by S. Nahar
“I’m fine, Tasneem. Seriously. A couple days of good sleep would make feel like a rising beauty,” I joked with her.
She reluctantly let go of my sudden mood change, and continued her conversation with Alexis about Damon and Kaylie. I felt jealousy and agony engulf me, restricting my breaths. I wanted to break down and scream at them to stop. I wanted to yell at Damon for putting me in such a vulnerable state, but I held it all in.
I tried hard not to let them know that I am dying inside. I neither wanted to be judged nor be called ‘weak’. Although my friends would never do that, something was stopping me from telling them the truth.
You’re afraid, a voice whispered.
I shook my head. No, I wasn’t. I know how I feel about Damon. I also accepted the fact that I brought this burden upon myself.
You’re afraid of the pain you are about to endure, my inner self stated.
I put my head down on the palms of my hand as they rested on the table. That’s exactly what I was afraid of. If I loved something, I loved it with all my heart. I was too careful about the people I chose to be in my life, but I’ve never fallen in love with a guy before. This was a new experience. Something I had no idea how to control.
This uncomfortable prickling of thorns in my chest was foreign to me. It felt like my heart was being ripped apart every time I hear his name. When they mentioned Kaylie, I thought I was going to cry a river for something she had that I couldn’t have.
“Amira, seriously, what’s wrong?” Alexis asked.
“It’s nothing,” I mumbled with my head still in my hands.
“Amira, please let us help you. Tell us what’s wrong,” Tasneem pleaded.
“Just a really bad headache,” I said quietly.
I felt fingers wrap around my arms and pull me up. I looked at Alexis with raised eyebrows. “You’re going to the nurse.”
I didn’t even try to fight back with her. Maybe if I rested a bit, this pain would go away. Ms. Nelson sent me away with a pass and I gathered my things. I walked out into the long, narrow hallway.
I felt myself wobble a little, and tried to focus on walking instead of this pain pounding inside me. I felt blood rush to my head, and everything went dizzy. I paused. The thought of Damon in someone else’s arms hurt me so much. I didn’t want to let him go, but I had to. I didn’t want to see him kiss another girl when he told me he loved me.
I placed my hands on the lockers for support and took deep breaths. Allah will help me ease this pain. I went through a lot of difficult times and survived; I watched my sister die, and saw my brother suffer through depression. I saw people I loved leave me, and got bullied for my beliefs. I know I could surpass all these. I just had to be patient with everything and put my trust in Allah.
I felt a little lighter and proceeded walking to the nurse’s office. However, nothing prepared me for what I saw. Damon was sitting on a bench outside the nurse’s office with his elbows on his knees. His head was down and his shoulders were shaking.
Was he crying?
. We were both feeling this pain and I felt sympathy for him. The only difference was that one of us was going to get hurt more, and it would most likely be me. As I approached him, I saw Kaylie touch his shoulders. I didn’t even realize she was there and I froze.
“Damon, baby, what’s wrong?” she purred.
His voice was broken as he said, “I messed up.”
Chapter 36
Torn Apart
Damon Winters
Guilt trickled down my spine like claws of reminder. Kaylie’s lips felt so wrong on mine and I wanted to push her away.
“If you really loved me, you’d let me go.”
Her words kept replaying in my head as I bury my head in my hands. I couldn’t believe I kissed Kaylie. I shouldn’t have left her but I was a fucking idiot who couldn’t even hold the hands of the girl I loved.
“Damon, it’ll be okay,” Kaylie whispered as she rubbed my back.
I pushed her hands away. “Look, Kaylie,” I paused.
Across the hall, Amira stared wide eyed at me. Her eyes were glassed over as she held my gaze. Pain and confusion swirled around her dark brown eyes. Her lips trembled, yet she didn’t look away from me. I scanned her face; oh, she was so beautiful. How could I let such a jewel slip away from me like this?
I cleared my throat as I felt Kaylie’s gaze burning holes at the side of my face. I opened my mouth to turn her down, but she spoke ahead.
“Look, I know there’s a girl you really like and she doesn’t feel the same, but Damon let me help you. Let me take that pain away from you. I will love you the way she never would,” she said with sincerity.
I knew Amira heard Kaylie’s little speech, because I saw her body tense up and fists clench. Could I really let Amira go and be with Kaylie? Amira was a jewel. She deserved better than me but I only kept on hurting her. I couldn’t save her the way she saved me. Deep down in my heart, I knew Kaylie was wrong. And Amira would love me. She did love me.
Then why hasn’t she ever shown it?
I still didn’t understand why she couldn’t love me. She was the only person who I truly loved; like my personal angel sent to save me in darkest times; who shined brighter than the stars.
“Okay,” I told Kaylie. “I’ll be your boyfriend.”
As soon as I said it, I instantly regretted it. My heart broke into a million pieces and I felt dizzy. I could feel my breathing come out uneven. Kaylie quickly grabbed me and I leaned against her.
Damn. Why did my chest hurt so much?
My eyes wildly searched for Amira. However, she was gone, and the spot she was standing in was empty.
***
In class, my mind felt numb and I was unable to focus on anything. I kept glancing back at the empty spot near me, Amira still hadn’t shown up. She disappeared as if she never even existed.
The love we shared was much more than a figment, yet I couldn’t see the future with a tornado of doubts to come by. Amira would marry a good man one day, one who wasn’t as damaged as I was, or had the same religion as hers.
Our teacher gave us some free time at the end of the lecture, telling us to work on any missing assignments. Amira told me to leave, but it still hurts to think about it.
I didn’t want our conversations and laughter to end. I didn’t want to lose the one girl who made everything right with just her smile. I knew we couldn’t be ‘just friends,’ because none of us would be contented with that.
“Damon, you alright man?” Tye asked, settling in the seat next to mine. He tilted his head with his small eyes narrowing at my sorrowful expression. “You don’t seem as thrilled as you were this morning.”
“Who would have thought how badly this day would turn out?” I asked no one in particular. “Life sucks.”
“Doesn’t it, always?” Tye chuckled, but he quickly stopped himself when he realized I wasn’t laughing along with him. “So, there are some rumors.”
“There are always rumors about me.”
“Well, this one is different.”
I raised a brow. “How so?”
Tye nervously shifted his gaze to the wall behind me, seeming afraid to even bring up rumors that he knew I hated. Tye was a curious fellow, so I didn’t blame him for trying to find out the truth.
“They say that you’re dating someone again.”
“And?”
He snapped his dark eyes back to me with confusion swirling through them. “Guess what? I thought you were into Amira. This morning you couldn’t stop swooning about her!”
“Shh!” I hissed, noticing the strange looks we were getting from the class. “Don’t tell the whole world now. We have to respect Amira’s privacy.”
He lowered his voice. “What the hell, man? Wasn’t she your dream girl? Why’d you start dating someone else that fast?”
“I’m a mess, Tye.”
“I call so much crap on this,” he muttered to himself.
“Why do you care so
much about my love life?” I asked. “There isn’t much to talk about except that the rumors were true.”
Tye became silent for a while, his lips thinning with distaste at my actions. I was too far from reality to even care. The classroom was a mere buzz while my mind continued on its inward torment, where all my memories of Amira shattered against my skull, clawing at me to remember all the good times, and to fight for our love.
But she had denied me.
My friend’s voice cut through my silence. The voice was low enough for my ears to hear. “Why do you let rumors and the past control you?” he asked.
“What? We’re not even talking about the past.”
“But you still let it hold you back. Don’t you get it, Damon? You screw things up for yourself because you tear yourself down all the time. You’re not a broken mess. You’re Damon Winters. My best friend, a king at soccer, and a complete jerk in video games,” he said softly. “Your only enemy here is yourself.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Damon—”
Ring Ring.
I stood up, ignoring his desperate attempt to grab my attention. I tuned myself out, falling into the pit of voices in my head instead.
It doesn’t matter. This is what she wants, so this is what she gets.
Chapter 37
Misery
Amira Sarker
I felt like I got punched in the stomach after hearing what Damon had said. I ran to the bathroom, rushed to the sink and gripped the counter. This can’t be happening. The air in my lungs seemed to be ripped away from me.
Breathe. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Come on, Amira.
I wobbled uneasily to the wall. I pressed a palm against the cold surface while touching my forehead. Why did everything feel so slow? I was seeing blurred images as my eyes filled with tears. My body didn’t seem to cooperate with my mind. I felt my knees shaking and soon enough, I lost balance.
My head slammed against the tiles on the floor. Pain seemed to be erupting from everywhere toward the center of my being; my heart. There was pounding in my head, but it was nothing compared to what I felt in my tender heart. There was emptiness that couldn’t be filled. What was this?
Amira, no. Get back up. Don’t surrender yourself to this pain.
The need to just lay there in self-pity was so strong, but I knew better. I had to fight back. I had to be strong. Though my vision was hazy, I pushed myself off the floor and; managed to stand up.
***
“You’re bleeding!” the nurse exclaimed.
I gripped onto the doorknob as my body heavily leaned against the wooden door. Am I bleeding?
“Sweetie, what happened?” she asked, as she rushed to my side and I collapsed in her arms.
“I-I fell,” I whispered. My head felt heavy, as if an axe was wedged into my skull. The constant pounding got worse, and it didn’t stop.
Oh Allah, what’s wrong with me?
The nurse pulled me to one of the beds. She told me to take my headscarf off, and pulled the curtains around us, in case anyone came in.
“Oh dear,” she mumbled, as she cleaned up the area.
Her gentle hands placed band-aids on my ripped skin, applying gentle pressure to the wound. I looked at her and saw pity in her cerulean eyes. Why does she pity me?
“Call your family,” she said, and gave me a phone. “You shouldn’t stay in school in this condition.”
“Am I okay?” I asked.
She nodded. “You only have a concussion. Consider yourself lucky because usually a situation like this calls for immediate medical assistance at the hospital,” she explained seriously.
Damn, did I fall that bad? Wow, Allah certainly saved me today.
I eagerly took some painkillers she gave me although these painkillers wouldn’t take away this sorrow buried deep within me. They only distracted my mind from it and the distraught still pressured my body. Everything felt dull and lifeless. It was like my heart was drowning in my own self-pity. Stop, Amira. Don’t do this again. Be strong.
I sighed and dialed a number. The nurse left the room to give me some privacy. Finally, the phone rang. Please pick up. Don’t leave me when I need you most. Allah, please make him answer. Desperation clawed me and I called my brother for help. He knows that I couldn’t tell my parents, yet.
“Hello?” his groggy voice answered.
I felt tears rushing to my eyes. They streamed down my face live a river as I furiously wiped at my eyes.
“Bhaiyah (brother,)” I croaked with an uneasy voice.
I heard shuffling from the other line. I only called him ‘bhaiyah’ when there was something wrong.
“What’s going on, Amira?”
I sniffled. “Please take me home. I don’t wanna be here right now,” I cried. It hurt as if thorns were pricking my fragile heart.
“I’m on my way,” he said and hang up.
I dropped the phone and laid my head down on the pillow. I cried with heavy sobs ripping through my chest. I knew this would happen. I should have stopped things before it got worse. I should have ignored him; but I fell in love.
The realization echoed through my mind. I love him with a forbidden love. I couldn’t love him. He and I could never be, but somewhere inside of me had a shimmer of hope. I thought that there could be a miracle that would make us to be together. However, dreams don’t always become reality if they were never meant to be.
I closed my eyes. Allah, make this pain go away. Make it all stop. I don’t want to feel so... broken. I hated to be weak, yet, I couldn’t help it. I sucked in a deep breath. I knew I had told him to move on, but why did it hurt so much?
“Amira?” a voice called.
I didn’t move. My head felt heavy and I let a few more tears drip down my face and onto the pillow. My heart was desperately beating to remind me that I was still alive.
I felt a warm hand touch my wound on my head. I cringed at the contact.
“Oh my God. What happened?” he asked.
I opened my eyes and was glad to see my brother came. I felt more tears brimming my eyes, but I held it back. Tanwir’s eyes softened when he saw my tear-streaked face, and quickly sat on the bed. He pulled me to his chest and I felt like everything I was holding in for such a long time just came out.
I wrapped my arms around his neck tightly and sobbed quietly onto his shoulder. It’s been so long since Tanwir showed this kind of affection towards me. He’s never hugged me before. The last time he did that was when I was little and Aisha was alive.
“Shh, it’ll be okay,” he whispered, as he tightened his arms around me.
I choked back a sob. “I—I was w—wrong. I’m s—sorry,” I said shakily.
He was quiet for a moment. I felt him pull away and disappointment filled me. Please don’t let him leave yet, Allah. I silently prayed.
He held my shoulders and wiped the tears from my cheeks. He fixed my hijab for me and I stared at him confused. He then gave me a sad smile.
“We’re humans, Amira. We all make mistakes and Allah knows that. It’s okay. I promise everything is going to be okay,” he reassured and hugged me again.
I rested my cheek on his chest and listened to his heartbeat. “It hurts,” I whispered, brokenly.
I knew he realized I wasn’t talking about my injury because he tensed up. “Shh, I know, Amira. It’ll get better. Don’t worry,” he said through clenched teeth. It was obvious that he was less than pleased about Damon.
“Please don’t leave me.”
“I promise I won’t. I’m your older brother. It’s my job to be there for you.”
I didn’t say anything. I didn’t trust my voice.
He sighed. “Come on, it’s time to go home,” he said, as he pulled away.
Something in his eyes told me that we were going to have a long talk, whether I liked it or not, yet, all I could think about was that he cared. Tanwir did care about me and this time he wouldn’t leave me.
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br /> Chapter 38
In Comforting Arms
Amira Sarker
Silence echoes into the room,
Fear of heartbreak fills her,
A void,
An everlasting pain that never ceases,
A shattered hope.
That has been buried under all the memories,
No one to hear her calls,
No one for comfort,
Welcoming arms do not greet her,
She’s too far away.
The light has been hidden,
Alone in dark-
“Amira, stop!” yelled a deep voice.
My pencil tip broke. I looked up. My hair covered my face from my brother’s angry expression. He paced back and forth in my room. His hands tugged his black hair in all different directions, as worry etched his face. I looked down.
“Stop drowning in your emotions like this, please,” he begged.
I felt tears prick my eyes as I thought of Damon. Everything about him seemed so perfect to me. His eyes, his lips, his earth-shattering smile, just... everything he was left a mark on me. I felt a wet tear trail down my cheek.
My vision blurred. Why did he have to go? Why did he do that? I thought he loved me. Don’t people fight for their love? Questions swirled through me and my shoulders shook as I let out a sob. The worst part of it was that I did all this while knowing it was wrong. I betrayed Allah.
“It’s all my fault,” I whispered.
Tanwir stopped pacing and stood in front of me. “What?”
I sniffled. “I said, it’s all my fault. Everything I did was my fault! I wouldn’t be hurt if I had just stopped talking to him! I wouldn’t be crying in bed if I never met him. It’s all my fault,” I cried.
I felt the bed dip besides me. Familiar arms wrapped around me and I was pulled to a chest. I cried more. Allah, please make this unbearable pain go away. Make it all stop, Allah.