by Aja Cole
I reached out because I thought more about what Corie said, that maybe he was projecting because of his birth mom. She had a long-term boyfriend but she was having an affair with a married man. The first time she got pregnant, she’d had an abortion. The second time, she tried to end the pregnancy herself, but it hadn’t worked. She’d delivered him at home with the help of a friend, never took him to the hospital or anything and no one else really knew she’d had a baby. Not enough to be concerned when he just wasn’t there anymore.
They left him in a park when he was four months old, and that was the end of that. No one saw them, there was no DNA on record so they couldn’t go after them and my parents adopted him a few months later.
We know all of that now, because she wrote him a letter. My parents hired a private investigator, once my brother decided that he wanted to know where he came from. She explained in that letter, and asked that he not visit or show up because her marriage was in a good place and she didn’t want to cause any waves with her husband by “re-opening old wounds for him.”
I hate that he would even for a second put me in the same category as her, but I know that emotion can supersede logic and good sense. I’m nothing like her, and I would never do that to my child, choosing to toe the line over giving the littlest bit of closure after abandoning my flesh and blood. I don’t know what her life was like or how she grew up, but as far as anyone could tell, they weren’t struggling or unable to care for him.
Her husband didn’t want the constant reminder of her affair, and she wanted him more than Chris.
I won’t pretend to fully understand Chris or why this is the hill that he’s chosen to stand on, but I was at least willing to try and that’s more than he can say right now.
I thought about telling Jackson everything he’d said, but I don’t want to upset him and I don’t want either of them at each other’s throats over it. I’d rather just enjoy our little bubble of contentedness and keep anyone out who doesn’t have the same energy.
The video call ringtone fills the car and Jackson makes a humming sound, “It’s my mom. We’ll call her back later since I know she’s not calling to talk to me.”
“Answer it!” I demand, wiggling my palm for the phone. “Not being able to see won’t stop me from talking.”
He scoffs, “It’s not you I’m worried about.”
“Pretty please?”
I can hear him rolling his eyes, but he puts the phone in my hand and I hear the sound that says it’s been answered.
“Hey Marina!” I think I’m holding the phone in front of my face.
“Nomi! Oh my…what is that? Is that a blindfold? Ivan, I think we interrupted them…” She sounds so concerned that I can’t help laughing so hard that I snort. Jackson’s deep laughter fills the car and we finally get ahold of ourselves.
“No ma’am, Jackson’s just got a surprise for me and I’m not allowed to see where we’re going.”
“Oh! The surprise! I…yes, okay. That makes sense.” She laughs, “You’re going to love it.”
“Marina, I would really appreciate if you gave me a tiny hint.”
“Mom. don’t entertain her.” Jackson cuts in, and I pout, to which I can hear his parents amusement.
“Daughter, patience is a good thing.” Jackson’s dad says, his voice similar to his son’s. The first time we video-chatted, I was surprised at how much they all look like. Jackson’s a perfect mix of both of them, with his love of hockey from his father.
They are absolutely delightful, and they’ve been warm and welcoming since the first time we spoke. I was nervous that they might think badly of me or it would be awkward, but they blew all of that out of the water immediately.
I sigh dramatically, fighting back a grin. “But I’m already being patient about the baby, I feel like that should give me special privileges, like my boyfriend or his parents spilling what the surprise is.”
“It’s gonna be worth it, every little bit of it.” Marina soothes.
“We’re here.” Jackson extracts the phone from my hand gently, “We’ll call back later, guys.”
“Bye you three!”
“Bye Marina, bye Ivan!”
“Can I take this thing off now?” I question, already moving to untie it.
“Wait!” He barks.
I pause, startled into dropping my hands into my lap.
Well, more like on top of my belly since a direct drop into my lap isn’t exactly possible. A door opens and shuts and then I feel the air on my side when my door opens. Jackson extracts me then sets me on my feet, closing the door. I shift on my feet, as impatient as ever, but it sounded like he meant business before so I don’t ask to get rid of it again.
He steps up behind me and I feel his hands at the back of my head, undoing the knot.
“Sorry for raising my voice a little, I just wanted to take it off for you.” He murmurs.
I turn around, reaching up to rake back a few of his waves. His eyes are warm, and I respond to that warmth, bringing him closer so I can steal a kiss. "That was nothing, don't worry about it."
"Don't distract me, we have to go inside." He warns, turning me back around.
"It's a...warehouse?" I say slowly, confused.
"It's what's on the inside the counts, sweet cheeks. Come on, you'll understand." He links our hands together and guides me to the big door, pulling it open and leading me inside.
"Jackson! Right on time." A woman with tanned skin and beachy blonde waves moves towards us, a camera around her neck. "And this is Nomi, yeah?"
"Yes, that's me." I stick out a hand, shaking hers. "You're a photographer?"
"I am." She beams, "I'm Delia, Dom's sister, if you know him?"
"Oh! Wait," I glance at Jacksons, "Girl problems Dominic? On the team?"
He winks at Delia, "Yeah, that's the one. I thought since you like making the videos and taking pictures during the pregnancy, maybe you'd like some professional shots done to hang up or something. I was trying to figure out something you'd like that wasn't just food or decorating the nursery, and I asked around and decided on this." He searches my face, rubbing a hand over the back of his neck like he does when he's nervous about something. "But if today isn't a good day since you're not feeling the best, we can reschedule it. I just...I wanted to do something for you." He repeats again, and I do the only thing I can think of.
I wrap my arms around him tight, as close as I can get and I don't let go.
"It's perfect." I kiss his jaw, and his cheek and I lean up on my tippy toes and rain kisses all over his face. "You're perfect, and this is the best gift. Thank you."
"When you're ready, I've got hair and makeup artists here waiting and we can talk about the vision and what you might like to do while that's getting done. Jackson gave me a little bit of insight on possible direction, so we’ve got clothing changes for both of you to consider.” Delia says behind us, and I let go, leaning against Jackson's side.
"Thank you Delia, I can't wait.”
“These are gonna be so good!” Delia calls out, “You look amazing. This sunset behind y’all is giving the best glow.”
We’re on a bed in the warehouse in front of a big glass window, with a white comforter and messy sheets, Jackson is shirtless with blue jeans on, while I’m in a billowy white dress that has a little transparency. It’s just the right amount of sexy and I do love it when I get to admire his body. This is the fourth set up we’ve done, and my favorite of them all. My second favorite is the one we did where I was practically naked, because hey, it was fun. I’ve taken solo shots during each one, too. My makeup is light and natural, only a slick of Fenty gloss on my lips and my hair is in loose curls over my shoulders.
“You okay? You’re tense.” Jackson massages my calves where they’re over his thighs, and I smile weakly, taking a deep breath.
“Yeah, I’m glad this is the last one. I really want these shots, so I’m gonna push through. It’s just a little cramping, but they said that’s no
rmal to feel off and on as I get closer. It’ll be better when I have a chance to just lay down.”
“Okay, baby. But I’m sure Del would understand if we wanted to finish up another day.”
I shake my head, “No way, Jose. We’re almost done, it’s fine.”
“Okay, lean against each other and touch the baby.” Delia directs, but she doesn’t say how to lean. I like that she’s been doing that, leading us but leaving some of it up to us.
Jackson puts his hands on my belly and I cover his with my own, leaning my forehead against his.
“Hi.” I say softly, mouth curving.
“Hi.” He returns, stealing a kiss.
“I got that!” Delia laughs, and we laugh with her. “That too! Ugh, I love y’all together. You make my job easy. Now if you can get behind her Jackson and wrap your arms around them.”
He obliges, and I lean against him, letting loose a sigh.
“You can kiss, smile, make silly faces, whatever you want.” Delia snaps away at different angles.
“All three?” I mumble, and we move through smiling and making fun faces.
Then I turn my head, searching for his kiss.
I find it, and it’s the sweetest thing.
33
“Mmmm,” I press my lips together and rock back on my heels, stopping at the bottom of the stairs with my hand tightening on the railing. The cramp feels like it’s squeezing my entire belly, and I shuffle back towards the living room, stopping in the doorway.
“Jacks?”
“Hm?” He glances at me, fingers still moving across the game controller.
“Can you run the bath for me down here? I don’t think the stairs and I are gonna get along right now.”
Bless him, he jumps up immediately. “Back still hurting?”
“Yeah, and the cramping. I think it’s just Braxton Hicks though, they talked about this.”
“Well, Evelyn and Yvette said to call if we had any questions, you sure you don’t want to? You’ve been feeling crappy all day.”
“I’m sure.” That tightness hits again and I breathe low, nodding…then I shake my head. “I’m not sure. I’m not sure at all. Uhm, bath and we can text Evelyn. But it’s too early.”
Sinking into the warm water gets a sigh of relief from me, and Jackson sits on the floor, texting Evelyn. After he texts what I tell him, he’s quiet for a few moments before he relays her messages.
“She said not to panic, but every labor is different. She told us to time the cramp things you’re feeling, and if they’re regular and steady or get more intense, call her. If they just fade out or stay far apart and not regular, then we’re probably fine but she’s going to move up your appointment to tomorrow to check you out.”
I nod, pulling up the contraction timer app on my phone because it makes sense to use that one in case they do come more regularly, versus me using the regular timer and logging the times in notes and that’s just an extra step that I can avoid.
“I’ll feel better if you make sure everything is in the hospital bags. It’s already longer than the last one, so I think we’re good for tonight.”
He brushes small hairs back from my forehead. “You sure you don’t want me to stay with you?”
“Yes, go. For my peace of mind. We’re good here.”
“Yes ma’am. Shout if you need me.”
“Wait Jacks, can you make me a quesadilla?” I call out and he laughs outside the bathroom door.
“Quesadilla, then bag check. Got it.”
“Maybe two!” I amend, sinking back down into the water.
“Evelyn?” I try to speak softly, because I don’t want to wake up Jacks if there’s no need to yet. He’s been so damned great and attentive and the man deserves to get some uninterrupted shut eye because I have a feeling that things are about to get very real.
“Nomi? What’s going on?” I did wake up my poor doctor though, which I feel a little bad about, but I didn’t have much of a choice because according to Google, this might be the real thing.
“I’m leaking, and I’ve been doing that a little bit all day so I’ve been wearing a pad, but uhm…yeah that’s not really doing much. Could my water have broken?”
“You’ve been cramping and leaking all day?” I hear rustling, like she’s moving around in bed. It’s nearly midnight, and I wince again, feeling bad for waking her and because my lower abdomen is starting to seize up again.
“Yes.” I push the word out, breathing out after. Fuck, this is not fun.
“I’d rather be safe than sorry so let’s meet at the hospital and take it from there, okay? Start timing those cramps again this time.”
“Okay.” I nod, even though she can’t see me.
I go to get up from the seat but my legs are shaking and I’m not sure that I can make it to the door with all this damned space between the bathroom and the actual door because it’s freaking huge in here. I’ve never been annoyed at the size of this bathroom until right this very minute.
So, I do the next best thing.
“Hm? Hello?”
“Hey baby, can you come help me out of the bathroom? No rush or anything, but I’m like, 90 percent sure that my water broke and Evelyn is gonna meet us at the hospital.”
He doesn’t say anything, but I hear a thud from the bedroom and I think my poor man fell out.
I start to giggle, and that turns into full out laughter, so he’s looking at me like I’ve lost my mind when he appears in the doorway.
“Don’t panic.”
“I’m not panicked.” He says immediately, but his face says otherwise and I start laughing again, hiccing up as I finish.
“Sorry,” I hiccup, “That was funny.”
Then I groan, hissing through my teeth when a contraction hits me again. I think I should call them what they are at this point, because hot damn, this shit hurts.
“I’ll start timing, you get the bags and put them in the car. I don’t think I want to get into your truck like this, and uh, maybe a towel down. Text the group chat with our parents, just tell them we’ll call them if this is like, happening tonight.”
He’s nodding, somewhere between still sleep and wide awake. “Okay, yeah. Yeah.” Springing into action, he scoops me up from the toilet set after I manage to get up my shorts. The next fifteen minutes are almost a blur, and I time two contractions while I’m getting dressed and Jackson carries me down the stairs. Somehow, we end in the car, I have four more contractions during the twenty-two minute drive and I’m getting a little scared.
She’s early, if she comes now. But maybe they can stop labor. I read they can do that with a shot and give her more time to grow before I need to deliver.
But wait, is that only if my water hasn’t broken? I can’t remember. Ughhhhhh.
I keep Evelyn updated when I can text and I try to keep my shrieking to a minimum because Jacks is gripping the wheel so tightly that his knuckles are turning white and I don’t want to scare him anymore. I can ha—
“HOLY FUCK!” I slam my hands against the top of the glove compartment, whimpering immediately after. I pant, nausea rolling through me after about a minute. I’m sweating and I know I ask Jacks something about how long, but I have no idea what he says. I think I even fall asleep a little bit in between the needle stabbing at my back and abdomen, and before I know it, I’m in a wheelchair and being wheeled up to Labor & Delivery and I’m answering questions and Evelyn is right there and Yvette too. We say our hellos and hugs and introductions but I’m just trying not to throw up in their faces.
They hook me up to some monitoring equipment and start doing tests. My water is definitely broken, I’m three centimeters dilated and they give me a steroid shot for the baby and start an IV.
All I can think is holy shit, I’m about to have a baby.
“Okay darlin’, we’re gonna keep monitoring you. Your cervix is soft and we’re early but not so early that we need to be worried, okay? We’re just gonna let your body do its thing. One of
my favorite NICU nurses is gonna come in and tell you what to expect and I’m gonna go check on a few things, alright?” Evelyn pats my arm, rolling away from the bed.
“Okay.”
I trust her and I don’t even want to think about how much more scared I’d feel if I had a random doctor that I wasn’t as comfortable with. The neonatal nurse, Carly, with cheery bears in pink caps on her white scrub top, is really warm and thorough.
She tells us that babies tend to do really well at 34 weeks, especially girls. She says to expect around four weeks in NICU and her to potentially need respiratory support and a feeding tube, but that they’re not worried and things are looking very positive.
We FaceTime Jackson’s parents, and even talk with mine for a bit. I think an hour goes by and my contractions are much milder and more manageable. Corie comes and she and Jackson talk quietly on the couch while I fade in and out of sleep, just trying to relax.
Sometimes around four a.m., Jackson and Corie are both napping and my eyes spring open.
I don’t know what wakes me up but I can’t go back to sleep and I gnaw on ice chips, watching The Witcher on the iPad that I made sure to grab. I keep shifting my legs because I just feel pressure, but it comes and goes.
Then the beeping starts.
The door opens and Yvette comes in, checking the monitors. Her face does something weird and I sit up straighter, hand flying to my belly.
“Yvette, what’s wrong?”
“Hey, it’s okay. Baby’s heart rate is just fluctuating. Let’s get you checked again.” She moves between my legs and I get into position, breathing low and slow as she checks me after snapping gloves on. It seems like she’s down there a little longer than expected.
“Yvette?”
She pops up, “Well miss thing, it looks like Baby Smirf here is as impatient as her mama. You’re eight centimeters dilated and I’m gonna get the doc so we can get this show on the road, okay?” She hustles from the room and I can’t help but feel like she didn’t tell me everything. Everything starts to move quicker than I ever expected from there and Evelyn comes in with a few other people. Jackson and Corie wake up and Jackson comes to talk into my ear and just be generally great. My contractions are right on top of each other now and my whole body feels too hot. I’m pushing then I’m not pushing then I’m pushing and they tell me to stop and I’m overwhelmed, there’s so much going on and it fucking hurts and I hear something about the baby being in distress and I just lose it, bawling and clutching at Jackson’s arms around me while he presses kisses to my face and tells me that he loves me and I’m doing amazing and he’s so proud of me.