by Aja Cole
Not a single fucking one.
Until he’s deep inside me and my blood is thrumming in my veins to a rhythm that feels primal…powerful.
I drop my head, delving my tongue into his mouth without a single bit of finesse, just desperate to taste him. He wraps his arms around me, digging his hands into my hair to hold me in place.
But there’s nowhere else I want to be.
I want to lay against him, let him fuck up into me, claiming me, but the bump means that isn’t happening.
I need more.
It’s like he reads my mind because he sits up, pushing me backwards gently.
“On your knees, baby.”
I turn over, and I don’t even have time to mourn the loss of him because he sticks a pillow under my belly and then he’s right back where I need him, sliding into me on a slow, measured glide that lets me feel every inch.
I drop my chest, leaning on my forearms because fuck me, it feels so damned good. I can’t get the words out, but I let him know with my body, with the sounds I can make, moaning and pushing back for more.
“I missed you so fucking much.” I groan out, and he molds my ass with his hands, retreating before he pushes back in, the stretch feeling out of this fucking world amazing. It’s like we’ve never fucked before, but at the same time, it’s like we’ve been doing it for years.
He just feels…familiar. In a way that I can’t even fully articulate, and especially not right now.
“Never felt something so good.” His hand smoothes down my back to caress my nape, and I push up on my hands, turning my head.
“Give me more, Jackson. Please.”
He gathers me up, spreading his legs to take him lower while he palms my breasts, scattering kisses all over my upper shoulders and neck.
Then he starts to move his hips, fucking me slow…steady…deep. I grind down on him, covering his hands with my own, letting him take some of my weight.
Every thrust pushes me closer to the edge, and I pant, only able to clutch him tighter to me, wishing I could crawl into his skin and never leave.
The orgasm takes me by surprise, and I ripple around him, crying out into the dark room. And because he knows exactly how I like it, he doesn’t stop for a second, using my climax to spur on his own. Jackson jerks against me, whispering my name over and over in my ear while he finds his own release, hands roaming across every part of my damp skin that he can reach, like it’s compulsive.
He takes us to the bed on our sides, resting his face against my back.
“Damn.” He breathes against my skin.
“As good as I remember it being.” I whisper, gasping when he thumbs my nipple. But…my pussy squeezes again, and I can feel him growing inside me.
I can’t be ready to go again, right? Jackson tugs on my other nipple with his fingers and I arch my back, panting as a wave of need blankets me again.
Well, fuck.
“Mmm…maybe we should do it one more time, just to confirm…”
I miss sprawling on the mattress on my stomach, sigh. Rubbing my face against the pillow and laying on m side, I delay opening my eyes as long as possible, but finally do when I realize that I’m in bed alone. Grappling for my phone, I check the time and it’s only 7:26 in the morning. I need to start getting ready for work in about twenty minutes to make it in by nine and beat traffic.
I feel springy, and as light as I can feel with a butternut squash in my uterus.
That’s how big she’s supposed to be right now according to my baby app. Less than two months to go and it’s probably time to stop wavering on the nursery now that it seems that we’re going to be here longer than Jackson’s six month trial option.
I don’t want to be premature about it…but I don’t think I want to go anywhere. After last night, after realizing that with a little extra understanding and being willing to work together, we can get on the same page…I think our chances of success are looking pretty damned good.
It might’ve sucked, him doubting me because of that snake lying to him…but listening to him tell me where he was coming from, seeing the vulnerability when he talked about just being scared that I was slipping away from him again made up for it.
The bathroom door is cracked, and I start to push it open fully but I pause when I hear the low talking in favor of cracking it open just a little more, enough to hear better.
“…Baba and Deda can’t wait to meet you. That’s what I called my grandparents in Russia when we visited them, and I think yours will want that, too. But you could probably call them whatever you want and they wouldn’t care because they’re so excited. I’m excited, your mom’s excited, and I’m a little scared too. I want to give you everything you need, I want you to grow up knowing that we support you and love you and we love each other, too.” He pauses, “Crap, I gotta start over. Or well…no, no, it’s fine. You know what? I love your mama. You’re hearing it from me before she hears it, and depending on how old you are when you see these, hopefully you’ll understand why that’s kind of terrifying me just as much as meeting you. But it feels good, too. Anyway, I should wake up your mama, so I’ll talk to your later. Ya tibya lyublyu.”
I whirl around to head back to bed because I don’t want him to be embarrassed that I heard him, but the door swings completely open faster than I thought he would.
“We eavesdropping now?” He tsks, and I stop, turning back around.
“It was accidental, I didn’t realize you were in there.”
“Mmhm,” He comes closer, slipping his arms around my back, but the baby stops us from getting any more contact. “How much did you hear?”
“What do you want me to tell you I heard?” I counter. “Do you speak a lot of Russian?”
“Not regularly anymore, more when I was growing up because my parents still speak it at home. For the most part, they just sound Canadian, but you pick out the extra sometimes.”
“I wish I’d met you when you started boarding school, I bet your voice was so cute.”
He taps me on the nose, “What, it’s not cute now?”
“Far from it. Now it’s like, way too damn sexy and just hearing you over the phone makes me wet.” I admit, inhibitions just out the window. I watch different emotions cross his face, those thickly lashed hazel eyes darkening to a hot caramel, softening at the same time.
“I love you.” He makes a silly face, “Which I’m sure doesn’t come as a surprise since I’m betting you heard me say that too.”
“I did, but you saying it to me is different.” I assure him, “I love you, too. I don’t know if it’s stupid, being so quick to tell you, but it’s true.”
“We can be stupid together.” He drops a kiss to my forehead, and I rub my stomach, a little frustrated.
“Is it bad that I’m a little annoyed that this belly is keeping me from really being as close to you as I want to be? I just miss being squished against you.” I lean my head against his chest and he runs his hands over my shoulders and back, soothing me.
“You’re sharing space in your body, it’s a lot different. I think you can feel however you want to feel, and I won’t think any differently of you, and neither will she.”
“If you keep being like this, you’re never gonna get rid of me.”
He turns me around, herding us both back to the bathroom where he cuts on the shower, and we both step inside. “Good, that’s been my master plan all along.”
31
“Why is your brother sulking?” Corie steals one of my waffle fries, and the only reason I don’t snatch it back is because I have a chicken tender in one hand and Polynesian sauce in the other. I was really craving Chick-Fil-A for lunch today and Corie wasn’t too far from my office, so she met me.
“Why is your brother sulking?”
“Well, he’s been pissy since the day you moved so I made an educated guess that something happened.”
“Nothing important,” I dip a fry into honey mustard.
“Come on, Mims. I
don’t believe you.”
“Have you asked him?”
“Nope, because if he snaps at me again, I’ll have to really hurt his feelings and I don’t want to do that, so I’m giving him some space.”
“He told me what he really thinks about me being pregnant, and it wasn’t the most positive thing that I’ve ever heard and I’d rather not rehash it because it hurt me, a lot. So, anything else you wanna know?”
Corie picks up her peach shake, unimpressed. “You can be prickly with everyone else, but I changed your diapers, so I really don’t care how much shit you wanna throw at me.”
“You didn’t change that many diapers.”
She snickers, “I changed enough. Now really, how bad was it?”
“Where should I start? Him slut shaming me for sleeping with Jackson, after he told me not to of course, because we’re not adults who can sleep with whoever we want. Or with him thinking that I’m impulsive, hard-headed and selfish and that I won’t be a good mom. He thinks that I’m reckless and irresponsible, so…yeah. I guess he’s sulking because I don’t want to see him or talk to him right now.”
“He said all that?”
“Some of it exactly, yeah. I didn’t realize that he felt so strongly, but I can’t really worry about it right now and I’m not going to beg him to think differently.”
“I don’t think he meant it that way, Nomi.” She looks so conflicted, “I mean…I’ve never known him to think that about you. Are you stubborn and a bit impulsive, yeah. But you’re also thoughtful and smart and sweet and you love really hard. I don’t think you’re any less suitable to be a mom than any other first time parent.”
I focus on breaking apart a piece of chicken because I don’t want to start crying in the middle of CFA. “Thank you. Maybe he’s just really upset that I didn’t listen to him about Jackson, I don’t know. He’s my big brother and I hate that we’re not talking, but I don't want that vibe around me right now. And I don’t want him to take it back if he really meant it.”
“You know…it might not be about you at all.” Corie muses, and I can see the wheels turning behind her grey eyes. “Maybe he’s thinking about his biological mom. What if he’s just projecting and you’re the easiest target?”
“Then that’s something he has to figure out and solve. For now, can we talk about literally anything else? I’ve got twenty minutes before I need to head back to work and I don’t want to spend it guessing about Chris.”
My sister purses her lips, then rests her elbows on the table and puts her chin in her hands.
“Okay…so, hypothetically…if your sworn enemy happened to be really hot and you accidentally kissed them…would you hypothetically,” She emphasizes, “Pretend like it never happened or face it head on?”
I look at her with raised eyebrows, “Hypothetically, I’d tell my sister the full story and stop bullshitting because I know it sounds juicy as hell.”
“What can I say,” She sighs dejectedly, “He’s really, really hot.”
“Do you know anything about the shower?” Jackson asks, passing me a big bowl of buttery popcorn.
“Nope, I am leaving all the details in the capable hands of everyone but me. All I know is it’s this weekend.” I open the box of crunch clusters and empty them into the bowl, mixing it up like I used to do when I went to the movies. I just thought about it the other day and I couldn’t get them out of my head, so I picked up some on the way home from work and it seemed like the perfect snack for the baby videos we’re about to watch.
Not in-depth delivery room videos, just a birthing class video series that was recommended because we couldn’t find a time that worked for both of us for in-person classes.
It’s divided into three parts; Prenatal, Labor & Delivery and Post-Natal. Each video is around forty to fifty minutes long, so we’re going to just put it on auto-play and see how far we get today.
Between this series, he group chat that the hockey wives and women added me to and the generous book of tips and things to know from my co-workers; I’m thinking we’ll be as ready as we could be without her actually being here.
I know all the research in the world pales in comparison to “on-the-job” experience, but we just don’t want to go in blind.
I lean forward for Jackson to slide behind me, then I settle between his legs while he leans back against the pillows on the longer side of the sectional. I love the comfort I feel around him now, and we just seem to work together, even when we have to talk through having different opinions.
“All good?” He rumbles.
I nod, popping a handful of popcorn in my mouth. “Ready.”
We make it through the first two videos, taking a few notes and laughing at multiple points before we decide to call it quits for the day. The Postnatal video will have to wait.
I close my eyes and lean back against Jackson’s shoulder. He caresses my stomach leisurely, like he’s been doing most of the time. I think it’s a kind of comfort to him, and it’s definitely soothing to me. “I don’t know if I feel better or worse. Ignorance might just be bliss.”
“Oh, you weren’t relieved to hear how quickly things can go wrong?”
“Maybe we just…skip the last one and pray about it.” I groan, “The oh so helpful binder from my coworkers already told me the best brand of diapers after birth. I guess I feel a little more prepared, but I think I’m having information overload.”
“How about we have a date night, then? No baby talk allowed.”
“Oooh, I could go for that. I’ve enjoyed our baby shopping dates too, though.”
“Me, too but as today’s videos so helpfully reminded us, we better keep the romance alive and I’d love to tear a dress like the one you wore the other night off you for dessert.”
I can’t help my laugh, “Oh, that is just so romantic.”
“I know, I’m a complete catch. You’re lucky I let you grab me.”
“You’re lucky I wanted you.” I tease, but I do think I’m lucky to have found him when I did and lucky that the bit of combined baggage we have isn’t dragging us down. Logically, I know that there’s so much more to learn about each other, but I’m done worrying about when we’ll know enough or what it looks like to anyone else.
I’m done thinking. I’m letting my heart lead and I’ve got no complaints about it dropping me into the lap of one sexy, affectionate and open Jackson Smirnov.
“Let’s call it a draw.”
“Do you know, you’ve been more expressive and clear about wanting me than my ex had to be to get me to marry him? And I’ve spent much less time with you?” I talk out loud, “I think I’ll still be shaking my head in ten years when I think about why I even let that marriage happen.”
Jackson rests his chin on my shoulder, hugging me more firmly against him. “You can ask that question for days, I bet. About a lot of stuff that happens, just like I can ask myself why I fought to save a marriage that was failing from the start. But if things had happened differently, we might not be here right now.”
“Hot take…what if we push fancy date night to tomorrow night, and we just cuddle and watch stupid movies tonight. We can make mini pizzas for dinner, maybe some s’mores.”
He makes a sound like he’s considering it, “You wanna know a secret?”
“Duh.”
“That sounds like a damned perfect date to me.”
32
“Where are we going?”
It’s probably my tenth time asking since we got in the car.
“Annoying me into telling you won’t work.”
I snicker, resisting the urge to take off the blindfold. “Are you sure? Because I can definitely turn it up a notch.”
“Baby, we’ll be there in a few minutes, just trust me.”
“Okay, but I’m really achy today so as much as I love spending time outside the house with you like a regular couple, I hope it’s not something where I’ll be on my feet for too long.” I wince, because I don’t want to sou
nd ungrateful or like I’m complaining already.
I started feeling uncomfortable last night, and it took me awhile to finally fall asleep, even after those magic hands of Jackson’s rubbed nearly all my knots away. Today, my back feels like it has a constant dull throb and I just feel really pregnant, and not in the cute way.
“We are a regular couple now,” He laughs.
I slide my hand over into what I’m pretty sure is his lap, and it’s confirmed when he links our hands together on his thigh. “I know, I just mean that it came after you knocking me up, ya know?”
“Yeah, and don’t worry, you won’t be on your feet unless you wanna be.” He kisses the back of my hand before settling it on his lap again, “We’re almost there.”
“Okay, I’ll shut up and wait for the surprise now.” I smile easily. Even with the discomfort, even feeling more and more anxious with a little over six weeks to go, I can’t help but be grateful for what my life looks like.
I love my job and my coworkers, I’ve got a man who looks at me like I’ve always dreamed of and I’m having a child; and I didn’t exactly go searching for any of it.
Except for the job, but I didn’t expect the circumstances that took me there.
I definitely didn’t expect to be starting a family so early, and I’ve been trying not to let it bother me that it’s outside of marriage too.
But I was just inside a marriage and clearly, that wasn’t the best indicator of having it all figured out. I guess the only thing that really matters is that I feel loved and I know this baby will be loved, and that sounds like an amazing life to live, no matter what else goes on.
Like still not speaking to one of the people I used to trust most in the world.
I tried to reach out to him and he’s sent me to voicemail, so I guess he’s mad at me for being upset at him but I can’t babysit his feelings.