Wayside School Is Falling Down

by Louis Sachar

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  For Friday everyone had to write a report and read it to the class. Bebe wrote her report about George Washington. She stood at the front of the room and read it out loud.

  “… George Washington never told a lie. Not like Mrs. Jewls. She lies all the time. That’s why her nose is so big. And she snores when she sleeps, so Mister Jewls has to wear ear plugs.”

  Everyone was laughing.

  Bebe stopped reading. “What’s so funny?” she asked.

  “Come here,” said Mrs. Jewls.

  Bebe shrugged, then walked to Mrs. Jewls’s desk.

  Mrs. Jewls showed her what she had just read.

  “Did I just read that out loud?” Bebe asked.

  Mrs. Jewls nodded.

  “I was just reading it,” Bebe explained. “I wasn’t listening.”

  “It was Ray again, wasn’t it?” asked Mrs. Jewls.

  “Had to be,” said Bebe. “Yesterday he put toothpaste in my socks. Then my mother got mad at me for making a mess and wasting toothpaste.”

  Bebe got an A+ on her report and another Tootsie Roll Pop.

  After school Mrs. Jewls called Bebe’s mother on the phone. “Hello, Mrs. Gunn. This is Mrs. Jewls from Wayside School.”

  “What’s Bebe done now?” asked Mrs. Gunn.

  “Bebe hasn’t done anything wrong,” said Mrs. Jewls. “She’s a wonderful girl.”

  “Well, that’s a surprise!” said Mrs. Gunn. “She’s always causing trouble at home.”

  “I wanted to talk to you about that,” said Mrs. Jewls. “I think you’re being unfair to Bebe. I think she often gets into trouble when really Ray is to blame.”

  “Ray?” asked Mrs. Gunn.

  “Yes. I know you think he’s a perfect angel,” said Mrs. Jewls, “but some children can be angels on the outside and devils underneath.”

  “Yes, that sounds like Bebe,” said Mrs. Gunn.

  “I’m not talking about Bebe. I’m talking about Ray.”

  “Ray?” asked Bebe’s mother. “Who’s Ray?”

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  Chapter 4

  Homework

  Mrs. Jewls was teaching the class about fractions and decimals. She explained that .5 was the same as 1/2.

  Mac raised his hand.

  Mrs. Jewls pretended not to see him.

  “Oooh! Oooh!” Mac groaned as he stretched his hand so high that it hurt.

  Mrs. Jewls pretended not to hear him.

  Jenny raised her hand.

  “Yes, Jenny?” said Mrs. Jewls, glad to call on anyone besides Mac.

  “Mac has his hand raised,” said Jenny.

  “Um, thank you, Jenny,” muttered Mrs. Jewls. “Yes, Mac, what is it?”

  “I couldn’t find one of my socks this morning,” said Mac. “Man, I looked everywhere! In my closet, in the bathroom, in the kitchen, but I just couldn’t find it! I asked my mother, but she hadn’t seen it either.”

  “That’s very interesting, Mac,” Mrs. Jewls said patiently, “but what does that have to do with decimals?”

  “Because,” said Mac, “I only could find half of my socks!”

  “Oh. Right,” said Mrs. Jewls. “Does anybody else have any questions about decimals? Yes, John?”

  “Did you look under the bed?” asked John.

  “That was one of the first places I looked,” said Mac, “but it wasn’t there.”

  “Did you check the dirty clothes?” asked Ron. “Maybe it was never washed.”

  “I checked,” said Mac.

  “Do you have a dog?” asked Bebe. “Maybe your dog took it.”

  “No, my dog doesn’t wear socks,” said Mac.

  “Why didn’t you just put on a different sock?” asked Allison. “Even if it didn’t match?”

  “I thought of that,” said Mac. “See, but then if I wore a sock that didn’t match, I’d be left with only one sock of that color for tomorrow. And then if I wore that sock, I’d have to wear a sock that didn’t match with it. And so on for the rest of my life! I would never wear matching socks again.”

  “Well, be that as it may,” said Mrs. Jewls, “we really need to get back to decimals. Yes, Stephen?”

  “Once I had both my socks on,” said Stephen, “but I wasn’t wearing my shoes. My mom had just waxed the floor, too. I slid all around on it like I was skating. It was a lot of fun until I fell against the kitchen table and broke two dishes. Then I got in trouble.”

  “What’s that got to do with my socks?” Mac asked impatiently.

  Stephen shrugged.

  “Did you ever find your other sock?” asked Leslie.

  “Yep,” said Mac, “but you’ll never guess where. In the refrigerator!” He held out his arms in bewilderment. “How did it get there?”

  No one knew.

  “See, here it is,” said Mac. He climbed on top of his desk so everyone could see his feet. He pointed to his left foot and said, “This is the sock I had from the beginning.” He pointed to his right foot and said, “And this is the sock I couldn’t find.”

  His socks were red with gold lightning bolts down the side.

  “Ooh, hot socks!” said Maurecia.

  “No, it was cold after being in the refrigerator,” said Mac, still standing on top of his desk. “I made it up a song, too, while I was looking for it. You want to hear it?”

  He sang:

  “I got one sock!

  Lookin’ for the other

  One sock!

  Lookin’ for its brother.

  When I find that sock!

  I’ll tell you what I’ll do.

  I’ll put it on my foot.

  and I’ll stick it in my shoe!”

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  The bell rang for recess.

  “Since we didn’t finish the arithmetic lesson,” said Mrs. Jewls, “you’ll have to do the rest of it for homework.”

  All the kids groaned as they headed outside.

  After recess was science. Mrs. Jewls was teaching the class about dinosaurs. She told the class that there were two types of dinosaurs: those that ate meat, and those that ate only vegetables.

  “You mean like broccoli?” asked Rondi.

  “I don’t think they had broccoli back then,” said Mrs. Jewls. “Just as there were different kinds of animals back then, there were also different kinds of vegetables.”

  Mac raised his hand.

  Mrs. Jewls pretended not to see him.

  “Ooh! Ooh!” Mac groaned. He looked like he was going to explode.

  Mrs. Jewls pretended not to hear him. She called on Myron.

  “Mac has his hand raised,” said Myron.

  “Um, thank you, Myron,” muttered Mrs. Jewls. “Yes, Mac?”

  “My uncle grew the biggest watermelon you ever saw in your whole life. Man, it was huge! It was so heavy I couldn’t even lift it.”

  “Mac, what does this have to do with dinosaurs?” asked Mrs. Jewls.

  “Because that must have been the kind of watermelon that dinosaurs ate,” said Mac.

  “Did you eat it?” asked D.J.

  “Not all of it,” said Mac, shaking his head. “Whew, it was too big for me, and I love watermelon!”

  “What did it taste like?” asked Maurecia.

  “Delicious!” said Mac. “But lots of seeds. You shouldn’t eat the seeds. Otherwise a watermelon might grow inside your stomach. I once heard about a lady who was so fat that everyone thought she was going to have a baby. But she didn’t have a baby. She had a watermelon!”

  “Was it a boy or a girl?” asked Joy.

  Everyone laughed.

  Mrs. Jewls never finished her lesson ab
out dinosaurs, so she had to assign it for homework.

  After school Mac walked home with his girlfriend, Nancy. Nancy’s class was on the twenty-third floor of Wayside.

  Mac carried his arithmetic book, his science book, his reading book, his language book, and his spelling book.

  Nancy didn’t have any books. “I’ll carry your books for you, Mac,” she offered.

  Mac gave Nancy his books. “Don’t you have any homework?” he asked.

  She shook her head.

  “Man, it’s unfair,” said Mac. “Mrs. Jewls assigns more homework than any other teacher in Wayside School.”

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  Chapter 5

  Another Story About Socks

  Sharie brought a hobo to school for show-and-tell.

  They stood side by side at the front of the room.

  “This is a hobo,” said Sharie. “I found him on the way to school.”

  “Ooh, how neat!” said Maurecia.

  The hobo had long dirty hair and a scraggly beard. His shirt was covered with stains. His pants had lots of colorful patches. His coat was too big for him, but it wasn’t as big as Sharie’s coat.

  Sharie was a little girl, but she wore the biggest coat in all of Wayside School.

  The hobo wore old black shoes that also looked like they were too big for him, but that might have been because he wasn’t wearing any socks.

  “Tell the class something about your hobo,” said Mrs. Jewls.

  “His name is Bob,” said Sharie. “I heard him ask a lady for spare change. The lady told him to take a bath. I tried to give him a quarter, but he said he never took money from kids. He said he likes kids a lot. He said he was once a kid himself.”

  “Does anybody have any questions they’d like to ask Hobo Bob?” asked Mrs. Jewls.

  All the children raised their hands.

  The hobo looked around the room. “Yes, you,” he said, pointing at Jason.

  “When’s the last time you took a bath?” asked Jason.

  “I never take baths,” said the hobo.

  “Oh, wow,” said Jason. “You’re lucky!”

  “What about a shower?” asked Myron.

  “I just walk outside in the rain,” said the hobo.

  “When it rains, I have to go inside!” complained Myron.

  “Where do you live?” asked Joe.

  “All over,” said Bob. “In the winter I jump on a southbound train and ride until it’s warm enough to jump off. In the summer I go north, where it’s not too hot.”

  “How come you’re not wearing any socks?” asked Leslie.

  “I don’t believe in socks,” said Bob. “Yes, the boy in the green shirt.”

  “Were you really a kid once?” asked Todd.

  “Yep,” said Bob.

  “Did you get in trouble a lot?” asked Todd.

  “No, I never got in trouble,” said Bob.

  Todd smiled and nodded his head.

  “Did you like to pull girls’ pigtails?” asked Paul.

  “Of course,” said Bob. “Who doesn’t?”

  “Did you like ice cream?” asked Maurecia.

  “I loved it,” said Bob.

  “What was your favorite subject?” asked Jenny.

  “Spelling,” said the hobo.

  “Spelling!” exclaimed Jenny. “I hate spelling!”

  “I once came in first place in a spelling bee, out of all the kids in my school,” Bob said proudly.

  “Well, how come you became a hobo?” asked Dameon. “I mean, if you’re such a good speller?”

  “I’m not sure,” said Bob. “When you grow up, you’re supposed to turn into something. Some kids turn into dentists. Others turn into bank presidents. I didn’t turn into anything. So I became a hobo.”

  “Did you ever try to get a job?” asked Calvin.

  “I tried,” said Bob. “But nobody would hire me because I didn’t wear socks.”

  “So why didn’t you just wear socks?” asked Eric Fry.

  “I told you. I don’t believe in socks. Yes, the girl with the cute front teeth.”

  Rondi lowered her hand. She was missing her two front teeth. “What do you eat?” she asked.

  “Mulligan stew,” said Bob. “My friends and I collect scraps of food all day, and then we cook it up in a big pot and share it. It’s always different, but very tasty.”

  “Why is it called mulligan stew?” asked Stephen.

  “There was once a hobo named Mulligan,” said Bob. “He made the first mulligan stew.”

  “Was he a good cook?” asked Todd.

  “No, he was eaten by cannibals.”

  “Yuck!” everyone said together, except for Dana, who was very confused. She thought Bob had said he was eaten by cannonballs.

  Allison raised her hand. “Can’t you just wear socks, even if you don’t believe in them?” she asked.

  “Socks!” Bob shouted so loud it scared everybody. “Is that all you kids ever talk about? Socks! Socks! Socks! Albert Einstein didn’t wear any socks! Why should I?”

  “Who’s Albert Einstein?” asked Eric Ovens.

  Mrs. Jewls answered that question. She said, “Albert Einstein was the smartest man who ever lived.”

  “Was he also a hobo?” asked D.J.

  “No, he was a great scientist,” said Mrs. Jewls.

  “Why didn’t Albert Einstein wear socks?” asked Joy.

  “Because socks make you stupid,” said Bob.

  “That’s not true,” said Mrs. Jewls. “Albert Einstein was just too busy thinking about big important things to remember to put on his socks.”

  “Maybe,” said Bob. “But remember I told you I won the school spelling bee? Well, the day I won it, I forgot to wear socks. Think about it.”

  Everyone thought about it.

  “So after that I never wore socks again,” said Bob.

  Mac raised his hand. “Once I could only find one of my socks,” he said. “Man, I looked everywhere for it! Under the bed, in the bathroom. You’ll never guess where I finally found it.”

  “In the refrigerator,” said Bob.

  Mac’s mouth dropped open. “How’d you know?”

  Bob shrugged. “Where else?”

  Everybody had lots more questions for Hobo Bob, but Mrs. Jewls rang her cowbell. “Show-and-tell is over,” she announced. “Let’s all thank Bob.”

  “Thank you, Bob,” everyone said together.

  “You’re welcome,” he replied.

  “Do you know the way out of the school?” asked Sharie.

  “I’m not sure,” said Bob.

  “Just go straight down the stairs,” said Sharie.

  “Thank you,” said Bob.

  “But don’t go in the basement,” warned Sharie.

  “I won’t,” said Bob. He shook Sharie’s hand, then waved good-bye to the rest of the class and headed out the door.

  Everybody waved back. Sharie returned to her seat.

  It was time for their weekly spelling test. “Everyone take out a piece of paper and a pencil,” said Mrs. Jewls. “The first word is—”

  “Wait a second!” called Calvin. “I’m not ready yet.”

  Mrs. Jewls waited while all the children took off their socks.

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  Chapter 6

  Pigtails

  “Hi, Leslie,” said Paul.

  “Hi, Paul,” said Leslie.

  They were friends now. Paul hadn’t pulled either of her pigtails for a long time.

  Paul sat in the desk behind Leslie. Once, a long time ago, he had pulled Leslie’s pigtails. It felt great!

  That is—Paul thought it felt gr
eat. Leslie didn’t think it felt too good.

  But that was earlier in the year, when Paul was younger and immature. Now he knew better.

  Still, her two long brown pigtails hung in front of his face, all day, every day.

  The bell rang for recess.

  “Leslie,” said Paul. “Can I talk to you a second?”

  “Sure, Paul,” said Leslie.

  They were alone in the room. All the other kids had rushed down the stairs. Mrs. Jewls had run to the teachers’ lounge.

  “I’ve been good, right?” asked Paul. “I haven’t pulled one of your pigtails in a long time, have I?”

  “So what do you want, a medal?” asked Leslie.

  Paul chuckled. “No, well, can I ask you something?”

  “Sure,” said Leslie.

  Paul took a breath. “May I pull just one of your pigtails?” he asked. “Please?”

  “No!” said Leslie.

  “Please?” Paul begged. “I won’t pull it hard. No one will have to know. Please? Please? I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t important! Please?”

  “You’re sick!” exclaimed Leslie.

  Paul lowered his head. “I’m sorry,” he said. “You’re right. I don’t know what came over me. I won’t ask again.”

  “Good,” said Leslie. She shook her head in disgust.

  Paul watched her pigtails waggle. “Can I just touch one?” he asked. “I won’t even pull it. I promise.”

  “No!”

  “What’s wrong with just touching one?” Paul asked.

  “Yuck, you’re gross!” said Leslie as she turned and marched out of the room.

  As Paul watched her go, her pigtails seemed to wave good-bye to him.

  He slapped himself in the face with both hands. What’s wrong with me? he wondered.

  He walked to the side of the room and leaned over the counter. He stuck his head out the window to get some fresh air. Down below, he could see the kids playing on the playground. They looked like tiny toys.

  Leslie stepped back into the classroom. “I’m getting my hair trimmed tomorrow,” she announced. “If you want, I’ll save the pieces for you. It’ll just be some split ends.”