by Louis Sachar
“Terrence stole our ball!” said Jason.
“I wish you children would learn to share,” said Louis.
“Make him give it back!” said Stephen.
Louis started to say something, then stopped. He twirled his multicolored mustache. “Hey, Rondi,” he called. “Will you help me?”
Rondi crawled out of the bushes. “You wouldn’t help me,” she said. “Why should I help you?”
“Terrence stole their ball,” said Louis. “Make him give it back.”
“Her?” asked Stephen and Jason.
“Me?” asked Rondi.
Louis winked at her.
Rondi’s eyes lit up. “Okay, Louis,” she said. “That’s a good idea. That’s a wonderful idea!”
She hurried across the playground. Stephen and Jason ran after her.
Terrence kicked a red ball up into the air, then ran under it and caught it.
“Hey, Terrence!” said Rondi. “That’s not your ball. You stole it!”
“Drop dead, Ketchup Head,” said Terrence.
Rondi walked up to him, stared him straight in the eye, and said, “In your hat, Muskrat!”
That surprised Terrence. He took a step back. Then he collected himself and said, “Dig a hole, Milly Mole!”
Rondi took another step toward him. “Kiss a goose, Dr. Seuss!” she replied.
Terrence looked around. A group of kids had formed a circle around them. “Go to jail, Garbage Pail!” he said.
Rondi held her ground. “Go to the zoo, Mr. Jagoo!” she retorted.
Everyone was very impressed by how brave Rondi was.
“Now, give me the ball!” she demanded.
“You want it?” asked Terrence. “I’ll give it to you all right!” He raised his fist in the air.
“Good, let me have it!” said Rondi. She smiled, showing him her two new teeth.
Terrence shook his fist at her. “You’re asking for it,” he said.
“That’s right!” said Rondi. “I am.” Her teeth gleamed at him.
Terrence brought his fist way back behind him.
Rondi closed her eyes.
“Hey, look!” exclaimed Bebe. “Rondi’s got new teeth!”
“They’re cute,” said Jenny.
Rondi opened her eyes. “You think so?” she asked.
“No, you were cuter before,” said Paul.
“I think she’s cuter now,” said Todd.
They took a vote. Twelve kids thought she looked cuter with her two new teeth and twelve thought she looked cuter before. Three thought she should keep just one tooth.
So Rondi decided to keep her teeth. They were good for biting carrots.
“Uh-oh!” She suddenly remembered.
She ducked just in time.
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Chapter 24
Another Story About Potatoes
Joe was next in line. He had forgotten his lunch.
“And what would you like, Joe?” asked Miss Mush.
“What do you have?” Joe asked.
“Potato salad,” said Miss Mush.
“Anything else?” asked Joe.
“No, just potato salad,” said Miss Mush.
Mrs. Jewls had made Miss Mush throw away the rest of the Mushroom Surprise, and she made Miss Mush promise never to make it again.
“Okay, I’ll have potato salad,” said Joe.
Miss Mush smiled. She scooped a large glop of potato salad out of the vat and plopped it on Joe’s paper plate.
Sharie was next in line. She had also forgotten her lunch.
“And what would you like, Sharie?” asked Miss Mush.
“What do you have?” asked Sharie.
“Potato salad.”
“What else is there?” asked Sharie.
“Nothing,” said Miss Mush.
“Okay,” said Sharie. “I’ll have that.”
“Potato salad?” asked Miss Mush.
“No, nothing,” said Sharie.
Joe was the only one who ordered the potato salad. Everyone else ordered nothing.
He slid his paper plate over to the cash register and paid for his lunch. Then he went to the ketchup and mustard table.
He looked at the grayish-white mound on his plate. He thought it needed more color. He squirted squiggly lines of mustard all over it. Then he added several dollops of red ketchup.
“That’s very pretty, Joe,” said Bebe. “I didn’t know you were such a good artist.”
“Thanks,” said Joe. He looked for a place to sit.
“Hey, Joe! Over here!” called John.
Joe sat next to him. “Hi, pal,” he said.
“Hi, good buddy,” replied John.
They were best friends.
John had brought his lunch. He looked at Joe’s potato salad covered with yellow squiggles and red polka dots. “That’s very colorful,” he said.
“Thanks,” said Joe.
They both stared at it.
“I wonder what it tastes like,” said John.
“Who knows?” said Joe.
“There’s plenty more potato salad!” called Miss Mush. “Who wants seconds?”
Nobody wanted seconds of potato salad. Several kids went back for seconds of nothing, but soon Miss Mush ran out of nothing.
Finally Joe picked up his plastic fork and stuck it into the glop.
“What does it feel like?” asked John.
“Lumpy and gooey,” said Joe. He dragged his fork over the mound, swirling the mustard and ketchup together. “Kind of spongy, too.” The colors mixed with the potato salad. It turned a pale orange.
“It looks like a face,” said John.
Joe laughed. He shaped it so it would look even more like a face. He piled up some potato salad in the center, giving it a nose.
John had a plastic spoon. He dug out two holes for the eyes, then made eyebrows.
“That’s good,” said Joe. He gave it a big smiling mouth.
John made long, pointy ears.
They both laughed at their creation.
“I wonder what it tastes like,” said John.
“Who knows?” said Joe.
They stared at it.
“It kind of looks familiar,” said John. “Like somebody I know.”
“Who?” asked Joe.
“I’m not sure,” said John.
Joe noticed it, too. “It does look familiar,” he agreed.
“I’ve seen that face somewhere before,” said John.
“Me too,” said Joe.
The smile on the potato salad abruptly turned into a frown.
“Wow, did you see that?” asked Joe.
John’s eyes filled with terror. “I—I just figured out who it looks like,” he whispered.
“Who?” asked Joe.
“Mrs. Gorf.”
The potato salad laughed.
“Ha! Ha! Ha!” said Mrs. Gorf. “Now I’ll get you! You think you’re so cute, don’t you! Well, you won’t get away from me this time!”
She wiggled her ears, first her right one, then her left.
“Quick, Joe!” said John. “Eat her!”
The two boys dug their plastic utensils into the potato salad and shoveled it into their mouths as fast as they could.
Joe swallowed the final mouthful.
“Whew!” said John. “That was close.”
Joe rubbed his belly and sighed.
They both stared at the empty plate.
“You know, Joe,” said John, “that didn’t taste too bad.”
“It was pretty good,” Joe agreed.
They went back for seconds.
&nb
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Chapter 25
A Story That Isn’t About Socks
It was class picture day. The children were all dressed up in their best clothes.
Stephen came to school wearing a three-piece suit: gray trousers, a gray vest, and a gray jacket. Underneath his vest was a white shirt and a red-and-gold-striped tie. On his feet were hard, black, shiny shoes.
He was very handsome.
The other kids laughed when they saw him.
“You’ve worn lots of silly costumes,” said Bebe, “but this is the silliest one yet!”
Bebe was wearing yellow shorts, a red shirt with white polka dots, and a floppy green hat.
Mrs. Jewls rang her cowbell. “Settle down!” she said.
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The children settled in their seats. Stephen remained standing.
“Look at Stephen,” said Maurecia. “His jacket is the same color as his pants.”
“They’re supposed to be the same color,” Stephen tried to explain. “It’s a suit. And they’re not called pants, they’re called trousers.”
“Ooooooh,” said Maurecia. “Can you go swimming in your suit?”
“No,” said Stephen.
“I can go swimming in my suit,” said Maurecia.
Maurecia had on a black-and-white-striped bikini.
“I’m sure Stephen’s suit is good for other things,” said Mrs. Jewls.
“It is,” said Stephen.
“Like what?” asked Todd.
“Standing around and looking important,” said Stephen.
“What about sitting?” asked Todd.
“No, I’m not supposed to sit,” said Stephen. “The suit might get wrinkled. I’m just supposed to stand around and look important.”
“Oh,” said Todd.
Todd was wearing white shorts, a Hawaiian shirt, and sunglasses.
Deedee crawled across the floor to Stephen so she could get a better look at his shoes. “They’re so shiny!” she said. “I can see myself.” She knocked on one of his shoes with her fist. “They’re hard, too!”
“Deedee, get up,” said Mrs. Jewls.
Deedee stood up. She had on a black T-shirt that came down to her knees. In the middle of the shirt was a red heart. Above the heart in sparkling silver and gold letters it said LOVE GODDESS.
“I bet they’re good for kickball, huh, Stephen?” she asked. “Since they’re so hard.”
“No,” said Stephen. “I can’t run in them. And they hurt my feet.”
“Then why do you wear them?” asked Deedee.
“Because they’re uncomfortable,” Stephen explained. “You have to wear uncomfortable shoes if you want to look important.”
“Oh,” said Deedee.
“What’s that thing around your neck?” asked Paul.
“It’s a tie,” said Stephen.
“Does it keep your neck warm?” asked Paul.
“No,” said Stephen.
“Does it hold your shirt on?” asked Paul.
“No,” said Stephen.
“Well, what’s it for?” asked Paul.
“It chokes me,” said Stephen.
“Oh,” said Paul.
“The more it chokes me, the better I look,” Stephen explained. “See?” He tightened his tie.
“Oh, yeah,” said Paul. “You look real handsome.”
Paul was wearing cowboy-and-Indian pajamas.
Stephen pulled his tie tighter. “Now how do I look?” he asked.
“Wow, you look great!” said D.J. “Pull it tighter!”
Stephen pulled his tie even tighter. “How’s this?” he gasped.
“You look great and very important,” said D.J.
D.J. was wearing a toga made out of his bed sheet.
“Pull it tighter!” said Bebe.
Stephen pulled on his tie. He could no longer breathe.
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“Tighter!” everyone yelled.
Stephen pulled it even tighter. His eyes bulged and his nose turned blue. He had never been more handsome.
“Tighter!” they all shouted.
Stephen pulled his tie so hard that he ripped it in half.
“Ohhhhhhhhh,” the whole class groaned.
“Darn!” said Stephen. “Now I’m not great and important anymore.”
“Yes you are, Stephen,” said Mrs. Jewls. “You’re just as great and important as you ever were.”
“I am?” Stephen asked.
“Certainly,” said Mrs. Jewls. “The tie didn’t make you important. It doesn’t matter what you wear on the outside. It’s what’s underneath that counts.”
“Underneath?” asked Stephen.
“Yes,” said Mrs. Jewls. “If you want to be great and important, you have to wear expensive underpants.”
“Oh,” said Stephen.
Mrs. Jewls had on a flowered tank top and a grass skirt.
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Chapter 26
The Mean Mrs. Jewls
Everybody in Mrs. Jewls’s class thought she was a very nice teacher.
They were wrong. There is no such thing as a nice teacher.
If you think you have a nice teacher, then you are wrong too.
Inside every nice teacher there is a mean and rotten teacher bursting to get out. The nicer the teacher is on the outside, the meaner the teacher inside is.
As Mrs. Jewls was changing the bulletin board before class, a mean and rotten voice whispered inside her brain. “Give the children lots of busy work today,” it said. “And then make them do it over again if their handwriting isn’t perfect.”
Mrs. Jewls tried very hard to ignore the voice. She didn’t like giving busy work. Instead she tried to teach the children three new things every day. She believed that if they learned three new things every day, they would eventually learn everything there is to know.
There are some classes where the teachers give so much busy work that the children never learn anything.
“What do you care if the children learn anything?” asked the mean and rotten voice. “It’s not your job to teach them. It’s your job to punish them. Keep them in at recess. Hit them with your yardstick!”
The bell rang and all the kids scurried to their desks.
“We are going to learn three new things today,” Mrs. Jewls announced. “How to make pickles, seven plus four, and the capital of England.”
All the children paid close attention.
“The capital of England is London,” said Mrs. Jewls. “Seven plus four equals eleven. And pickles are made by sticking cucumbers in brine.”
On her desk she had a box of cucumbers and a vat of brine for a demonstration.
“Okay, Joe,” said Mrs. Jewls. “How much is seven plus four?”
Joe shrugged.
“But I just told you, Joe,” said Mrs. Jewls. “Weren’t you listening?”
“I don’t know,” said Joe.
“Okay, who can tell me how pickles are made? Yes, Jason.”
“Eleven!” Jason declared.
Mrs. Jewls frowned. “That’s a correct answer,” she said, “but unfortunately I didn’t ask the right question. Can anyone tell me how pickles are made? Yes, Bebe.”
“In London,” said Bebe.
“I suppose they make some pickles in London,” said Mrs. Jewls. “Okay, let’s start again. Calvin, what’s the capital of England?”
“Could you write England on the board?” asked Calvin. “I can do a lot better when I can see the question.”
Mrs. Jewls wrote England on the board.
“Oh, okay,” sa
id Calvin, now that he saw the question. “The capital of England is E.”
“Yes, that’s one capital of England,” Mrs. Jewls had to admit. “Okay, I will say it one more time. The capital of England is London.”
“Isn’t that where they make all the pickles?” asked Jenny.
“No, they don’t make all the pickles in London,” explained Allison. “Just eleven.”
“Well, where do they make the rest of the pickles?” asked Stephen.
“Shut up!” shouted Mrs. Jewls. “Well, that does it. You’re all staying inside for recess!”
Everyone stared at her. Mrs. Jewls had never told anyone to shut up. It was against the class rules for anyone to use that expression. If you did, you had to write your name on the blackboard under the word DISCIPLINE.
Mrs. Jewls put her hand over her mouth, then took it away. “Oh dear, I’m very sorry,” she said. “I don’t know what came over me.”
She wrote her own name on the blackboard under the word DISCIPLINE.
“Perhaps you’ll learn the lesson better if you write it down,” she suggested. “Everyone please take out a piece of paper and a pickle.”
Everybody laughed.
“Pencil!” snapped Mrs. Jewls. “I meant to say pencil. It just came out pickle.”
“I didn’t know pickles came from pencils,” said Jenny. “I thought they came from cucumbers.”
“I thought they came from London,” said Todd.
Mrs. Jewls made an ugly face. “Todd, didn’t I just tell you to shut up?” she asked. She picked up her yardstick and held it over Todd’s head. “Well, answer me!” she demanded. “Didn’t I tell you to shut up?”
“Yes,” said Todd.
“How dare you talk back to me!” snapped Mrs. Jewls. “Didn’t I just tell you to shut up?”
Todd kept his mouth shut.
“Well, answer me!” she demanded.
Todd didn’t know what to do. He nodded his head.
“Keep still!” ordered Mrs. Jewls. “Now I don’t want you to say another word, is that clear?”
Todd stared at her.
“Is that clear?” she asked again.