by Louis Sachar
“Yes,” Todd said meekly.
Mrs. Jewls slammed down the yardstick. Todd quickly moved out of the way. The yardstick banged against his desk and broke in half.
Mrs. Jewls stared at the eighteen inches she held in her hand. “Oh my goodness,” she said. “I’m sorry, Todd. I don’t know what’s the matter with me today. I must have gotten up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.”
She put a check next to her name under the word DISCIPLINE.
“Okay, let me try to make this very simple,” she said. “If I have seven cucumbers. And then I get four more cucumbers. And then I drop all the cucumbers in brine and take them to the capital of England. What do I have? How many? And where am I?”
“Huh?” said D.J.
“What?” asked John.
“Could you write the question on the board, please?” asked Rondi.
“Shut up!” Mrs. Jewls yelled a third time. In a mocking voice she said, “ ‘Could you write the question on the board, please?’ You kids think you are so cute! Well, we’ll see just how cute you really are.” She picked up the vat of brine from her desk. “How would you like it if I poured this on your heads? You won’t be so cute when you’re all shriveled up and covered with warts, like pickles!”
She walked up and down the aisles carrying the pickle juice and glaring at the children.
No one dared make a sound.
She stopped next to Leslie. “How about you, Leslie?” she asked. “How would you like pickled pigtails?”
Leslie trembled. Her pigtails wiggled.
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“Well, I’m going to ask you three questions, Leslie,” said Mrs. Jewls. “And if you don’t answer them all correctly, I’m going to dump this on your head.”
Leslie gulped.
“Question one,” said Mrs. Jewls. “How much is seven plus four?”
Leslie quickly tried to count on her fingers but she didn’t have enough. “Eleven?” she guessed.
A look off disappointment came over Mrs. Jewls’s face. “Okay, question two: What is the capital of England?”
“L-London,” Leslie said nervously.
“Rats!” said Mrs. Jewls. “Okay, question three.” She looked down at the vat of brine she was holding and shook her head. She thought a moment, then smiled. “What is the name of my cousin who lives in Vermont?”
Leslie had no idea, so she just had to take a wild guess. She closed her eyes and said, “Fred Jewls?”
“Wrong!” exclaimed Mrs. Jewls. She raised the vat of brine high above Leslie’s head and started to tip it over.
Paul jumped out of his seat. Those pigtails had once saved his life. Now it was his turn to return the favor!
He pushed the vat of brine back the other way. He was just trying to push it up straight, but he pushed too hard. It poured all over Mrs. Jewls, drenching her.
Paul froze in terror.
Mrs. Jewls blinked her eyes. Pickle juice dripped down her face. “Thanks, Paul,” she said. “I needed that.”
The brine had cured her.
She circled her name on the blackboard and sent herself home early on the kindergarten bus.
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Chapter 27
Lost and Found
Joy and Maurecia were best friends. They sat down on the grass to eat their lunches, but then Maurecia remembered she needed chocolate milk. She went to get some from Miss Mush.
When she returned, she couldn’t find her lunch.
“What happened to my lunch?” she asked.
Joy looked up at her, then shrugged her shoulders.
“I set my lunch down right here!” said Maurecia. “You saw me, didn’t you?”
Joy shook her head.
“I put it here, then I went to Miss Mush’s room to get some chocolate milk. I had a peanut butter and banana sandwich! And there’s no way I can eat a peanut butter and banana sandwich without chocolate milk.”
Joy shrugged her shoulders.
Maurecia didn’t know what to do.
“Ca’ I haf a thip uff your milk?” asked Joy.
It was hard for Joy to talk, because her mouth was full of peanut butter and bananas.
Maurecia handed Joy the carton of chocolate milk.
Joy took a big drink, then swallowed.
Maurecia looked all around for her lunch. She crawled in the dirt as she searched through the bushes.
“Any luck?” asked Joy as she finished Maurecia’s chocolate milk.
“I found it!” Maurecia exclaimed.
Joy coughed on the chocolate milk. “You did?” she asked, then coughed again.
Maurecia crawled out of the bushes holding a paper sack. She sat back down next to Joy and opened it.
“Is it your lunch?” asked Joy.
“No,” said Maurecia.
“Too bad,” said Joy.
“It’s money!” exclaimed Maurecia.
Joy’s eyes nearly popped out of her head as she looked at the paper bag. It was stuffed with dollar bills. And they weren’t just one-dollar bills. There were a few five-dollar bills, some ten-dollar bills, but mostly twenty-dollar bills.
“We found a million dollars!” Joy whispered.
“We?” asked Maurecia.
They counted the money. It wasn’t a million dollars. It was twenty thousand six hundred and fifty-five dollars.
“Let’s split it,” said Joy. “You take half and I’ll take half.”
“Maybe I should show it to Louis,” said Maurecia.
“Louis!” exclaimed Joy. “Are you crazy? Let’s spend it. We can buy a skateboard, or a bicycle, or a horse, or a fancy car, or an airplane!”
“I like taking the bus,” said Maurecia.
“You could buy ice cream!” said Joy. “All the ice cream you ever want for the rest of your life.” She knew Maurecia loved ice cream more than anything else in the world.
Maurecia smiled as she thought about it. “No, I better show it to Louis. He’ll know what to do.”
“You’ll just get in trouble,” warned Joy. “Louis will think you robbed a bank. You’ll go to jail for the rest of your life.”
“Louis knows I’m not a bank robber,” said Maurecia.
“But what if the real bank robbers find out you have their money?” asked Joy. “They’ll come after you and murder you.”
“Oh, I didn’t think of that,” said Maurecia.
“You better give it to me,” said Joy.
“Louis will protect me,” said Maurecia. She walked across the playground.
Louis was talking to Terrence. He said, “If you ever tie Leslie’s pigtails to the tetherball pole again, I’ll—”
“Louis, look!” said Maurecia. She held the paper sack up to his face.
“No thank you, Maurecia, I’m not hungry,” said Louis.
“It’s not my lunch,” said Maurecia. “Look inside!”
Louis took the bag from her and looked inside.
“Very nice,” he said, then gave it back to her. “Now I want you to go untie Leslie and tell her—”
He suddenly stopped talking and blinked his eyes. He looked at Terrence, then at Maurecia, then at Terrence, then at Maurecia, and then at the paper sack. “Let me see that again,” he said.
Maurecia gave him the bag.
“Hey, what about me?” asked Terrence.
“Get lost, Jack Frost,” said Louis.
Terrence ran away.
“Did you rob a bank?” asked Louis.
“No, I found it in the bushes,” said Maurecia.
“I believe you,” said Louis. “We’ll have to put it in the lost and found.”
“I know,” sa
id Maurecia. “Whoever lost it is probably very sad.”
“But if no one claims it in two weeks, you can have it,” said Louis. He took the bag of money and headed to the office.
Joy was waiting for Louis at the door. “Hey, Louis,” she said. “I lost a bag full of money. Have you seen it?”
“Help!” Leslie screamed from the tetherball court.
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A week later, Maurecia was eating lunch alone. She was eating a piece of sweet potato pie. Joy was crawling around in the dirt looking for more bags of money.
“Maurecia,” said Louis, “I’d like you to meet someone. This is Mr. Finch.”
Mr. Finch was an old man with white hair and a long white beard. He shook Maurecia’s hand with both of his hands.
“It’s your money, isn’t it?” asked Maurecia.
Mr. Finch nodded. “It was my life’s savings,” he said. “For fifty years I made pencils. I got a penny for every pencil I made. I hate pencils! But finally I saved enough money to quit my job and do what I always wanted to do.”
“What’s that?” asked Maurecia.
“I’m going to open my own ice cream parlor,” he said, then started to cry. “When I lost that money, I thought I’d have to start making pencils again.”
Maurecia cried too.
“Here, I want you to have this,” blubbered Mr. Finch. He gave her an envelope containing five hundred dollars.
It was the second largest amount of money Maurecia had ever had.
“And I will give you free ice cream for the rest of your life at my ice cream parlor,” he promised.
“Thank you!” said Maurecia.
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“No, thank you,” said Mr. Finch. “I’m so glad someone as kind and as honest as you found it. There are so many dishonest people in the world. It’s good to know there are still good people too.”
They hugged each other.
Joy crawled out of the bushes. “Hey. Who’s that?” she asked.
“This is Mr. Finch,” said Maurecia. “It’s his money. Look, he gave me a reward of five hundred dollars. And I’ll get free ice cream for the rest of my life!”
“Well, what about me?” Joy demanded. “Don’t I get anything?”
“Oh, dear me,” said Mr. Finch. “I didn’t realize there was someone else involved.”
“Maurecia would never have found the money if it wasn’t for me,” said Joy.
“Why, what’d you do?” asked Louis.
“I stole her lunch!” Joy said proudly.
Mr. Finch gave her a pencil.
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Chapter 28
Valooosh
Mrs. Jewls rang her cowbell. “I have some wonderful news,” she said.
The children stopped what they were doing and looked up. They waited for Mrs. Jewls to tell them the wonderful news.
“You are a very lucky class indeed,” said Mrs. Jewls. “Mrs. Waloosh, the world famous dancer, will be coming here to Wayside School! She will teach you how to dance!”
Everyone was still waiting for the wonderful news.
“Isn’t that exciting?” asked Mrs. Jewls. “You will see her every Wednesday instead of going to P.E.”
“Will girls have to dance with boys?” asked Jenny.
“I suppose,” said Mrs. Jewls.
“Gross!” exclaimed Leslie.
“Yuck!” said Dana.
“Will boys have to dance with girls?” asked Ron.
“Obviously,” said Mrs. Jewls.
“No way!” said Eric Fry.
“I’d rather dance with a dead rat!” said Terrence.
Everybody started talking at once—about cooties, and warts, and other horrible diseases you get from touching girls or boys.
Mrs. Jewls rang her cowbell again and told them to settle down.
“Mrs. Jewls, I don’t need to take dancing lessons,” said Eric Bacon. “I already know how to dance!”
“Yes, Eric, I’ve seen you ‘dance,’” Mrs. Jewls said sarcastically.
Eric Bacon was a great breakdancer. But breakdancing was no longer allowed at Wayside School. That was because every time Eric danced, he broke something.
“Mrs. Waloosh will teach you the grace and beauty of classical ballroom dancing,” said Mrs. Jewls.
Everybody groaned.
On Wednesday they all headed down to their first dancing lesson. Except Myron. Myron went to P.E.
“How come Myron never has to do anything?” asked Jason.
“I don’t know!” said Calvin. “I’ve been wondering about that too.”
“Myron’s father must be friends with the president,” said Bebe.
“I think Myron gave Mr. Kidswatter a thousand dollars,” said Todd.
“No, I bet he’s blackmailing Mrs. Jewls,” said Jenny.
“How could he do that?” asked Benjamin.
“Maybe Mrs. Jewls got drunk!” said Jenny. “And then she danced on top of her desk with a lampshade on her head. And Myron took her picture. And so now Mrs. Jewls has to let Myron do anything he wants, or else he’ll show the picture to Mr. Kidswatter!”
“That makes sense,” said Mac.
“Except if she had a lampshade on her head, how would Mr. Kidswatter know it was Mrs. Jewls?” asked Todd.
No one knew the answer to that.
They entered the room on the second floor.
“Velcome!” said Mrs. Waloosh, a strange-looking woman with bright red hair. It looked like her head was on fire. “My name eez Meez Valoosh. It’s so vonderful to be here at Vayside School.”
She wore pink tights and a sparkling pink top. “I hope ve vill be friends, yes?” she asked.
Nobody said a word.
All around were red and green balls. There was also one yellow ball. This was the room where Louis kept the balls for lunch and recess. It was also the room that was always used for school dances. It was the ballroom.
“So!” exclaimed Mrs. Waloosh. “Who vill be first?”
Everyone tried to hide behind someone else.
Mrs. Waloosh put her hands on Ron’s face. “Vhat eez your name?” she asked.
“Ron,” he squeaked.
“RONALDO!” bellowed Mrs. Waloosh. “King of the Gypsies!”
“I don’t know how to dance,” said Ron.
“Dahnce?” asked Mrs. Waloosh. She looked very surprised. “Ve are not going to dahnce,” she said.
“We’re not?” asked Ron.
“No, Ronaldo,” whispered Mrs. Waloosh. “Ve are going to tango!”
She put her left arm around Ron’s waist. Then she grabbed his left hand with her right and stuck it way out in front of them. Suddenly the music started.
Mrs. Waloosh dragged poor Ron across the room as she stomped her feet in time to the music.
Domp. Domp-domp. Domp-domp. Da-da-domp. Domp! Domp! Domp! Domp! Domp-domp-domp-domp-domp, “HEY!”
When she yelled “HEY!” she threw Ron up in the air and clapped her hands. Ron turned a somersault in midair; then Mrs. Waloosh caught him. They tangoed back to where they started. Ron’s eyes were spinning in opposite directions.
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“Hey, that looked like fun,” said Maurecia. “Do me.”
“Very vell,” said Mrs. Waloosh. She grabbed Maurecia and tangoed with her across the room. Domp. Domp-domp. Domp-domp. Da-da-domp. Domp! Domp! Domp! Domp! Domp-domp-domp-domp-domp, “HEY!” She threw Maurecia up in the air and clapped her hands.
Maurecia turned a double somersault before Mrs. Waloosh caught her. They tangoed back to the front.
“My turn,” said Terrance.
As Mrs. Waloosh tangoed
with Terrence, the other kids stamped their feet along with Mrs. Waloosh. They all yelled “HEY!” at the same time and clapped their hands.
One by one, Mrs. Waloosh tangoed with every kid in the class. The other kids danced with each other. Boys danced with girls, and girls danced with boys. They didn’t care. Paul danced with Leslie. Dana danced with John. Terrence danced with Rondi. Allison danced with Jason. D.J. danced with Kathy. Todd danced with Joy.
“HEY!” they all shouted together.
Of course, they weren’t strong enough to throw each other up in the air. Instead, they tried to trip each other and throw each other to the ground. “HEY!”
Even Kathy was having fun. “HEY!” she shouted as she kicked D.J. in the rear end.
They also threw the balls at each other. “HEY!”
Mrs. Waloosh began to get tired. Sometimes she didn’t catch the children after she tossed them in the air.
Deedee crashed to the floor. “Wow,” she said, “this is more fun than murder-the-man-with-the-ball! HEY!”
At last the music stopped. Domp! Domp! Domp! Domp! Domp-domp-domp-domp-domp. And everyone shouted “HEY!” one last time.
Mrs. Waloosh clapped her hands. “Vonderful!” she exclaimed. “Fahntasteek!”
They all staggered out of the ballroom, cut up, bruised, and bleeding.
“Next veek, ve valtz!” Mrs. Waloosh called after them.
“So how did everyone like dancing?” asked Mrs. Jewls when they returned.
“Dahnce?” asked Ronaldo, King of the Gypsies. “Ve didn’t dahnce.”
“You didn’t?” asked Mrs. Jewls.
“No,” said Ronaldo. “Ve tangoed!”
Everyone cheered.
“It vas vonderful!” exclaimed Kathy.
“Fahntasteek!” said Terrence.
Myron was sorry he had missed it.
“I can’t vait till next Vednesday,” said Todd.
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Chapter 29
The Lost Ear
Mrs. Jewls was teaching the class about mammals. “All mammals have hair,” she said.
Bebe raised her hand. “Is my father a mammal?” she asked.