Because of Lucy: 2016 Revised Edition (Butterfly Days #1)

by Lisa Swallow

  “Doesn’t she have a doctor? A psychiatrist? Or someone.” Someone else. Not you.

  “Yeah, but Lucy misses appointments and slips through the cracks if no one reminds her to attend. The doctors are overstretched and don’t have time for people who don’t want to help themselves. Until things get really bad, then the doctors have to do something.”

  Evan fidgets with the paper napkin holder, drifting away again. Talking about this now, so soon, isn’t what he needs from me because I’m part of where he goes to escape this crap. I grasp at something to say, anything, as long as the words are a million steps away from the subject of his sister.

  “We should take a drive out somewhere again today. Get away,” I say.

  Evan smiles for the first time since he walked in, softening the tired lines on his face. “Escape for a few hours? Count me in.”

  * * *

  We seize the day and return to the town we went to on our recent date. Date. The word sounds so quaint, but I guess that’s what the day was. This is our happy place, distant from any part of Evan’s nightmarish world of the last week and the escape he needs. Walking hand in hand along the canal towpath, our breath mists in the air and the serenity of the situation fills me with warmth from being close to Evan again. My new Evan who’d always been underneath, and who I’m falling in love with harder and faster.

  We eat fish and chips from paper, sitting on a wall by the low river. The water flows over the rocks, and I laugh as Evan feeds the ducks swimming against the current towards us. In the warming early December sun, we snuggle together and talk about everything and nothing. Everything from our normal lives and nothing from the darkness. Evan’s face gradually loses the dull expression he brought into the café this morning. Every time he holds me tight, I want to stay in his arms forever, not just today. Stay here and never let him go back to his pain.

  “If only every day can be like this,” I say, popping another fat chip into my mouth.

  Evan hugs me to him and kisses my hair. “Fish and chips every day? We’d die of heart attacks before we hit thirty.”

  Resting my head on his chest, I listen to his slow, steady heartbeat. “We’d get more than our butterfly days.”

  Evan lifts my face towards his and rubs his cold nose against my cheek. “They’d never be enough; I lied.”

  “Good.”

  His cool lips warm as soon as they reach mine, soft at first, then an urgency comes with his kiss. This is the kiss of someone who’s missed the feel of your mouth on theirs. We squash together on the bench, the stinging cold on our faces burnt away by the heat of our embrace. The tingling I’ve carried inside all day turns to trembling as the physical need I have for Evan overwhelms me, amplified by the emotions we’ve shared recently. When he pulls back and strokes my face, Evan’s eyes burn with the same fervour.

  “I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Ness. You’re amazing.”

  Instantly, the memory of the words breathed heavily in my ear when we entangled on his bed returns. The fire of the images colours my face, and in his, I can see he chose the words deliberately. Evan’s smile, the small tug at the corner of his mouth that always somersaults my stomach, disappears as he moves in to kiss me again.

  Later, we stumble back through the door into my house, the winter evening threatening snow. I immediately light the tiny gas fire in the corner of the lounge. Evan blows onto his hands and I rub mine on my legs. Northern winters demand thermals, not woollen jumpers. Of course the house is trashed, kitchen piled with dishes and cupboards empty of food. I send Evan for milk from the corner shop and he returns with a bottle of wine. We forget the tea and curl up together on the sofa to enjoy the peace. Saturday night, Abby will be home with a crowd by 2 a.m. Only the clicking of the gas fire and Evan’s gentle breathing surrounds me.

  “Thanks for today,” I say.

  “Feels good to be with you, Ness.”

  I can’t tell Evan how overwhelming just having him with me is; the physical pull he has, which drew me straight to bed with him weeks ago. Now, with this new connection, I’m engulfed by him. I secretly hope the heart-breaking love he has for his sister leaves enough for other people, maybe one day for me. Unable to find words, I shift around to face him, placing my hands against his chest as I look at him. Sometimes words aren’t needed, and when you find saying nothing says everything, hold onto that person. Evan strokes my hair lightly.

  “I feel calm and safe with you,” he says. “I met someone who understands, but doesn’t judge.”

  The past can’t encroach, not now, not in this moment. “You only had to let go and trust someone,” I say and kiss his neck, hoping to distract him. “Besides, I did judge you.”

  “You didn’t know me. I didn’t want anyone to know him.”

  The neck kissing isn’t working so I slide my mouth past his ear and across his face. “Thank you.”

  “What for?”

  “Being Evan with me.”

  “I’m looking for him still, Ness. He got lost over the last few years.”

  No more dragging himself back to Lucy and his pain. I cover his mouth with mine. Evan understands, and his cool hands slide beneath my jumper. I jerk away. “That’s cold.”

  Evan laughs and whispers, “No, you’re hot.”

  I roll my eyes at him in an exaggerated way. “Oh please…”

  Evan’s eyes fill with emotion he wants to contain, and desire he doesn’t. “Oh yes, you are.”

  We crush each other in an embrace of two people who don’t want to let go, a need to anchor each other in the world. The longing I’ve had for Evan since the day he came back, before Lucy, explodes inside me and I pull him to me. I delve my cool hands under his shirt, but he doesn’t flinch, his own finding their way under mine too. Evan’s fingers are warmer now as he traces up my side, the sensation tickling and arousing me at the same time. He cups both hands around my breasts, pushing his hands inside my bra. I arch towards him as he gently rubs my nipples between his thumb and forefinger. Gulping down a breath, I suppress a moan and he pulls his hand away, sliding his palm up my leg.

  “I’m probably completely out of order asking this, Ness, but I want to take you upstairs and do inappropriate things with you.”

  I laugh at his mock formality and lean my head against his forehead, his lashes tickling my cheek. “What? No poetry?”

  “No, not tonight. I’m all out.”

  As if I’m going to refuse the chance to take this new Evan to my bed. He’s become more than the sexy guy I straddled on his bed all those weeks ago. We discovered each other’s bodies before we discovered who we were; and now that we’re connected on a deeper level, the desire for him is intense and more urgent.

  There’s something uncomfortable about leading a guy into my bedroom, aware of unspoken plans. I’m barely through the doorway when Evan kicks the door shut and spins me around, pressing me against the wood. My already aroused body flares into desire as his mouth covers mine, tongue delving into my mouth. I grab his hands as they slide around to my backside and squeeze his fingers.

  He pulls his head away, eyes searching mine in the dim light. “Okay?”

  “You took me by surprise.”

  Evan steps back, releasing my waist and I steady myself on the wall. “Sorry.”

  “No, it’s fine.”

  His slow, signature smile appears. “Oh, in that case…” Pushing me back against the door again, he trails feather light fingers along my side. “Was I too eager? Do you want me to slow down?”

  My skin burns where he touches, the delicious feeling hardening my nipples before his hands get anywhere near them. I grab Evan’s hair and pull him to me, tugging his lip into my mouth whilst pushing beneath his shirt to grip the knotted muscles of his back.

  Evan stops kissing me and holds his head back. “I’m trying to slow down.”

  Licking my lips slowly, I enjoy the effect the action has on Evan’s breathing. He makes a sound in his throat, and I smile
into his lips as they hit mine. As he holds me against the door with his hips, I disentangle my hands and unbutton his jeans. His hard length presses against the material and I touch him lightly, teasing a finger up and down the rough denim restraining him. Evan inhales sharply so I free him from his jeans, continuing to stroke. In response, he deftly unfastens my jeans and delves a hand inside, fingers slipping into the fabric of my panties. Embarrassingly, I groan against his mouth.

  “I don’t think I can do slow. I’ve been thinking about this all day,” he says, his breath tickling my ear.

  I giggle at the speed in which we undress each other. Clothes pile around the room as we step out of jeans, pull off tops, and lose everything. Evan presses me onto the bed and I grab his hard biceps, pulling him onto me. The heated thrill of his body against mine is outdone by the awareness of his arousal pressing against me. Evan barely has to touch me; my body’s overwhelmed and aching for him already.

  Supporting himself on his elbows, Evan looks down at me with his hair falling across his face. I think he’s going to say something, but he doesn’t. Instead, he leans forward and covers my face and neck with butterfly kisses, which progress down towards my breasts. I wrap my legs around his hips and he stops, gently pulling away.

  “Wait.”

  Foil tears and I wriggle in anticipation. But he doesn’t slide into me, instead resuming his attention to my breasts. Once he’s kissed every available inch of skin, I’m shaking with need for him, and finally he pushes himself inside me. As he does, he pauses, looking down at me and kisses my nose.

  “I was wrong, you’re not hot,” he says. “You’re absolutely fucking awesome.”

  The sensation of Evan holding still inside me is too much to bear. I grab his head and kiss him until I can’t breathe, all the while drowning in the urgency of his new movement inside me. The pressure builds as the movement bumps my clit. He pulls up one of my legs and I curl it around his hip. I’m shocked by how quickly everything overwhelms me into a world of sensation, as I edge towards the orgasm I crave. The world doesn’t exist, only Evan; inside me, over me, consuming me, and I clutch his waist giving in to the explosion, blinding my vision. Evan’s hips tense as I tighten around him, breathing out his name. Evan pushes hard into me one more time, swearing as he comes.

  Afterwards, Evan supports himself on one arm and leans over me, face glowing in the dim light. I map his face with my fingers as we watch each other.

  “You’re right, I wish every day could be like this,” he says.

  I playfully bite his arm. “I told you.”

  Lying down, he tugs me into his arms and squeezes me tightly, our naked bodies fitting together. I tuck the duvet under my chin, glad of the heat emanating from him.

  “You know, I think this idea students are promiscuous is wrong,” I say.

  “Oh, really? When did you change your mind about that?”

  “When winter came. It’s survival. Winter here is so bloody cold students need to huddle together for warmth. If they don’t find a partner quickly, there might be no one left to prevent hypothermia.”

  Evan chuckles. “Yes, that’s exactly why. And I’ll warm you in your bed anytime you want.”

  Waiting for the peace of the night to be shattered by Abby, we lie quietly, again no need for words. Even if only a few days were like this, the rest of life could be coped with. With Evan, it’s as if gravity doesn’t exist and he’s what I need to hold onto or I’ll drift away from the world.

  24

  EVAN

  Opening up about Lucy and admitting I can’t cope brings with it a flood of emotion I struggle to deal with. The fear I’ll be judged for abandoning Lucy followed me these last few weeks, and now Ness has opened my eyes to how skewed that thinking is. She attempts to persuade me to see a counsellor, but I refuse. I’ve coped and I’m okay, and I have Ness to talk to when I feel the need. I’m still determined to put the struggle behind me and move on. I just need to compromise with Lucy and support her, but on my terms. I catch the doubt in Ness’s eyes sometimes, but she doesn’t understand. Lucy needs me.

  Life’s been fucking weird for me over the last few years. When I made the decision to leave Lancaster for Leeds, none of this is what I imagined. I had a reputation at school I brought with me. Parties? I was there. Alcohol? Give me. Girls? Hell, yeah. Nobody knew what I was using all this to escape from, apart from Matt, and he didn’t understand.

  What was the point in allowing somebody close? I’ve been hurt too much by people who’re supposed to love me, why risk anybody else taking a knife to my heart?

  The lifestyle continued in Leeds because I’m a good-looking guy with something about me girls fall for. Does my vulnerability hover around? Something in my eyes draws in girls who want to fix me? Who the hell knows, but it worked, and this time there was no sister for me to go home and check up on.

  I was free.

  Then Ness. The first time I saw her, Ness stormed through the room with a sour face and yelled at Abby. Drunken Evan stared at her gorgeous ass. The second time, she sat at the table in a corner, drinking from a mug and watching Abby’s group of drunk friends. I was bloody wasted, but I couldn’t stop staring at her face as she ate, her lips full and plump and pink and…hot. I pictured myself holding Ness to me, feeling those lips against mine, and discovering exactly how far this aloof girl would go with me. Impressive I could focus on her through the cloud of alcohol.

  Ness never noticed me, and that pissed me off. Girls always notice me. I challenged myself to persuade this beautiful girl to not only acknowledge me, but also give herself to me. Why the hell not? No girl had said no so far.

  What actually happened screwed with my head. Yeah, I wanted her; but when we kissed, hell I wanted all of Ness. The girl on the edge of the life I’d thrown myself into drew me away from the dumb shit I was doing. Suddenly, I wasn’t Evan the student tipping into chaos, but a guy as lost as she was, unable to figure out where we were going in life. I’m pretty damn sure her life hasn’t been as shit as mine, but Ness was running and hiding too. Lucky for her, she’d succeeded in escaping when I hadn’t.

  Now that Ness knows about Lucy, I’ve lost the chance to hide, and Ness has almost all of me. Almost.

  We meet in a favourite place of ours. Some days and weeks, Ness’s work shifts clash with my classes or visits to Lancaster, and we snatch time together. On the shit days, she re-energises me with her understanding and humour, and her clouds lift too when we’re together.

  “Hey, poetry boy.” Ness smiles up at me from where she stands waiting outside the café.

  I grin and brush my lips against hers. “Hey, butterfly girl.”

  Ness giggles at me and my heart surges as she snuggles in to me. I fold my arms around her; I’ve missed seeing Ness this week and holding her at a distance means not constantly texting or calling. Ness needs her space too and we understand.

  “Lunch then back to yours?” I whisper, and grab her backside.

  “Maybe.” Ness closes her teeth around my earlobe and a shiver trips down my spine.

  “Don’t tease.”

  “You know the answer. I missed you this week.” Ness’s brown eyes hold desire to match mine and we share a slow, reuniting kiss. Why do a few days away from Ness feel like a month?

  The café is above a bookshop, mismatched high back leather chairs and sofas circle low wooden tables where a mix of couples chatting and individuals reading sit. The first time I brought Ness here, she barely hid her surprise, teasing me about the lack of beer. This was my secret place, when the other Evan would retreat to his other escape. There’re a good few guys in my English course, but still there’s a weird stigma about guys who read. Chapter One is where I’d spend afternoons with mugs of tea and class texts, forgetting to highlight passages as I was dragged into the stories.

  Ness doesn’t read a lot and I recommend books to her. I’m going through a phase of reading gothic literature from the nineteenth century. I always read horror a
s a kid, and now I’m back to its roots. Ness borrows my books, but I’m unsure she reads them.

  We sit in a corner, our corner, and Ness undoes her coat. Her curves are hidden beneath a baggy blue jumper, but it’s so bloody cold right now, she wouldn’t wear anything else. Would be too distracting anyway.

  “End of term next week, isn’t it?” she asks.

  “Almost Christmas. Are you staying in Leeds?”

  “No. Home. Mum is big on family Christmases. You?”

  “Home.” Dad isn’t big on Christmas. I expect to spend most of the time catching up with friends, in the pub most likely. “Just for the week.”

  Ness pokes at the slice of carrot cake she bought. “I’ll miss you.”

  I just nod.

  “I can’t get much time off work, but I’m definitely staying away as long as I can,” she says in a tone lighter than she feels. I can read her eyes, she expected me to say the same.

  “With your parents? I thought you were escaping them.”

  She laughs. “Call centre versus home comforts for a few days. No brainer. Besides, I have to break the news I’m going away in June.”

  That. Ness’s plans to leave. I’m stupid to worry; our relationship isn’t serious. We’re close, enjoy our time together; but I’m not ready to plan long-term. But, this is another reason not to let myself fall deeper into a relationship with her. So why do her words push a lead weight into my stomach?

  “That’ll be an interesting conversation.” I sip my coffee, hiding my false smile.

  “Can’t wait to escape the English weather for a few months.”

  “A year,” I remind her.

  “I wonder where I’ll be this time next year.”

  “Somewhere you’re happy.”

  Ness’s brow puckers for a moment. Are my thoughts showing? I lean across the table and kiss away my mouth’s attempt to turn down. But it doesn’t push away the unwarranted hurt.

  “Lucy will be happy you’re going home for Christmas.” Ness pauses. “How is she?”