Because of Lucy: 2016 Revised Edition (Butterfly Days #1)

by Lisa Swallow

  Evan touches me on the shoulder and I jump back to consciousness.

  “Is Lucy okay?” I ask.

  Tiredness sits beneath his eyes, but Evan’s colour is back. He’s not happy, but better.

  “She will be. Nothing happened to her, as far as we know. But we don’t know where Lucy’s been. She’s not very coherent.”

  I nod even though I don’t understand. “So, what do you do now?”

  “I don’t know what to do. Dad wants to leave her here; but she’s panicking, and she won’t agree. If he pushes for Lucy to stay and she refuses, they’ll have to section her and keep her here against her will in a locked ward so she can’t disappear again. And the more agitated Lucy gets, the more likely that is to happen.” Evan heaves out a breath, to follow his nutshell explanation.

  I balk at the barbaric attitude. “What? Why doesn’t your dad want to take her home? She’s not dangerous…”

  “No, but Lucy is a danger to herself. Look what happened. Her wandering around like she didn’t know where she was. She can’t just go to the hospital in Lancaster; there’s no room. If they keep her, she stays here, in Emergency, until they have a bed, and that could be days.”

  “She needs to stay in hospital?”

  “She’s not well enough to come home. I think Lucy needs time in hospital; but she doesn’t want to be locked away. She’s confused and unhappy, but I’ve seen her worse. It would be best if Lucy could go back to the hospital she was at before, in Lancaster. Like I said, that’s not possible.”

  I grasp at words but find none suitable.

  Evan sits on the uncomfortable plastic chair next to me. “I don’t know what to do.”

  “Let your dad decide.”

  “He doesn’t understand.”

  “Then let the doctors explain to him.”

  He shakes his head.

  “Evan, please listen. You need to let go of this. When Lucy realises you’re not the answer, she’ll stop coming to you for the answers you don’t have. For what you can’t give her.”

  “She needs me. Look what happens when I’m not there.”

  “You need to live your life. And you are doing all you can.”

  I dig my nails into my palms to stop myself saying more he won’t want to hear. The situation, him, everything is frustrating me. He’s drowning in his sister’s illness. Evan leans forwards onto his knees, arms wrapped around his head.

  The helplessness I feel is a drop in the sea of the troubles he has.

  34

  NESS

  I leave the next morning, take Evan and his dad home, and return to Leeds. Persuading Evan to come back to Leeds too fails. Lucy remains at the hospital in Manchester, so Evan leaving her for Lancaster is a big step I guess. A few days later, Lucy moves to the hospital in Lancaster Evan mentioned. We talk a few times on the phone over the next couple of weeks. I think Evan living close to her is unhealthy for both of them.

  Most of my house is boxed up now. Work has finished and I’m counting down until I leave. But something no longer feels right. Listening to Evan speaking to the hassled looking registrar, and to stories of Lucy’s lack of consistent treatment, and seeing her reality pushed me into a world I was unaware of.

  I’m confused and, as the days pass, my thoughts of Evan become a longing to see him. Phone calls aren’t enough anymore. I have to talk to him in person.

  We’ve spoken a few times since the day in the garden; but so much is hanging over us, and I can’t leave the country without speaking to Evan again. But I don’t want to visit him in Lancaster; it will be good for Evan if he leaves Lucy for a while. Evan agrees to come and see me on the day he returns to pack up his room.

  * * *

  Evan arrives at the house and I’m relieved how much better he looks. The essence of the confident, happy Evan is back. He hugs me awkwardly and I embrace him tightly, to indicate it’s okay, but he draws back. Evan glances at the stack of boxes around the room.

  “When is it you move out?”

  “End of the week.”

  He bites his lip. “And you escaped the farm?” he asks with a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes.

  “Thank God.”

  The awkward small talk from months ago has resumed; Evan’s hidden again.

  “How about you? All packed?” I ask.

  “Yeah, I’m leaving tomorrow.”

  I hover and he taps the edge of the sofa. “Before I go. And you go. I want to take you somewhere,” he says.

  “Oh. I hope it’s a picnic?” And I hope he can join the light-heartedness.

  “Somewhere I think you’d like. Just for the afternoon. There may be picnics involved.” He smiles, the Evan smile I’ve missed for so long.

  * * *

  We drive across the city, not out towards the motorway as I expected. I wriggle backwards in my seat, happiness bubbling inside me.

  The car fills with conversation skirting around the things we need to talk about, and I hope we’re not going back to ignoring the situation again. He tells me about Matt; I tell him about Abby, the call centre… Outside of these subjects, we can’t mention anything else and the conversation stalls. He doesn’t mention Lucy. I don’t mention my plans.

  We arrive at a park, acres of green grass leading to a lake and lined by woods. Evan’s car tyres crunch over gravel as he parks near a single-storey building.

  “Where are we going?” I ask as I step out.

  “Leave your jacket in the car, it’s warm.”

  The June skies aren’t clear of clouds and I shiver slightly. “No, it isn’t.”

  “Inside, where we’re going. It’s humid in there.”

  I frown at him and wrap my arms around myself, my short dress not warm enough for the outside temperature. As we approach the wooden building, I look at the sign.

  “Tropical World?” I ask and frown at him. “What’s that?”

  Evan eases me forward with his arm around my shoulder. “It’s fun, believe me.”

  By the time we’ve meandered through the strange indoor zoo, I understand why Evan told me to leave my jacket. The moisture in the air is breathable, pooling on the misting windows. Past the meerkats, who will forever remind me of Lucy, we come to a curtain of strips of thick plastic hanging from the ceiling. I raise a quizzical eyebrow at Evan as he pushes the curtain open; I walk inside.

  The humidity here multiplies; a domed greenhouse of plants is interspersed by wooden walkways and bridges.

  “This is what I wanted to show you,” he says, leaning to whisper into my ear.

  I decide he’s lost the plot because I’ve never once expressed any interest in horticulture. There’re some beautiful tropical plants in here, the greenhouse filled with strong fragrance from the flowers, which stretch to the ceiling and wind their way across the bridges. But not my thing.

  “Nice.”

  Evan laughs. “Funny, Ness, you couldn’t lie if your life depended on it. Come here.”

  Evan takes my hand and leads me to the edge of a wooden bridge. “Stand still. And look.”

  A bird of paradise plant bends towards me, the bright orange beak in full bloom. Behind it are bushes of hyacinths, and on them are white butterflies. Movement catches my eye and I look around. Butterflies in multitudes of sizes and colour flit around everywhere, and I pull back as a bright blue one drifts towards me.

  “Stand still, the butterfly might land on you,” Evan says.

  I freeze and turn my eyes to him. He leans against a wooden handrail, which crosses a small indoor stream, and the look Evan has I’ve seen before. Peaceful as his bright smile fills the world around him with happiness. His eyes shine as he watches the small butterflies around us.

  A lump rises in my throat, and I choke. I never thought sentiment would be something to move me like this. “Butterfly days?”

  “Before you go, there are butterfly days. If you want.”

  There’s hesitancy in his voice as he looks at my tearing eyes; the fear he’s upset me cr
osses his face. I go to him, wrap my arms around Evan, and bury my head in his chest. Evan’s warmth and comfort surround me flooding my mind with memories and need. His strong arms hesitantly wind around me, and Evan strokes my hair as I rest my cheek against his soft shirt.

  “You’re not crying are you?” he asks.

  “No.” I look into his worried eyes and touch his lips. “You’re a surprising person.”

  “What can I say? You bring out the best in me.”

  All I want now is to kiss him. I don’t care about people, butterflies, Lucy, or anything. Just Evan. I stumble into him, weaving my hands into his hair and tug Evan’s face towards me. He’s surprised; when my lips meet his, he’s not ready, and for a moment I’m unsure I’m doing the right thing. But when my kiss is returned with the same tender insistence, I know everything is okay.

  Evan wants to talk, but I don’t want to listen. I just want to be in the moment with him and turn this into a memory.

  35

  NESS

  Evan spreads out a blanket, halfway down a grassed slope looking towards the large lake. Despite being a weekday, there are plenty of people enjoying the half-hearted summer day, and when the sun shines through the clouds, it’s sticky. My arms and legs are exposed by the length of my dress, and the rough blanket scratches my legs as I sit down.

  The first time Evan took me for a picnic, I couldn’t see the connection between the romantic Evan and the Evan who’d taken me to bed. I’d considered it a trick, part of his girl-chasing repertoire. After months of knowing him, I’m aware this side of him is a bigger truth than the guy I thought I’d figured out back then.

  Evan pulls out a large bag of crisps and a bottle of Coke, sets them on the blanket, and grins at my expression. “You said guys should bring this to picnics.”

  I laugh at my Evan showing through. “Good, but I prefer cheese and onion flavour.”

  Evan shakes his head, and pulls out sandwiches. “Okay, you’ll have to have one of these instead. I’ll get cheese and onion next time.”

  Next time. Evan pauses and won’t look up at me.

  “Is Lucy going okay?” I ask him. We may as well work through our list of unspoken things: Lucy, me leaving, him, me. Us. But I have something to tell him.

  “Better.” He pours Coke into a plastic cup. “I think she’s starting to get it.”

  “Get it?”

  “Understand. Lucy apologised; she hasn’t done that before. I think she’s beginning to realise I’m not the answer.”

  I lean back on my elbows and look at him. Does he also understand he’s not the answer? “That’s good.”

  “Yeah. I hope so.” He turns to me. “I’ve been talking to someone myself. A counsellor. To help me understand what… the situation is doing to me.”

  I put my hand on his outstretched leg. “I’m really pleased to hear that; you need to.”

  “Because of you. I see what you’ve been telling me now, about Lucy and the effect on me.”

  As I unwrap a sandwich, I consider his words. This explains why he’s more relaxed, more the Evan who shared my life for those few months before the misunderstandings.

  “About what I said. In the garden,” he blurts, the words of someone holding them in too long.

  The sandwich doesn’t look appetising anymore, and my stomach flips over as I wait for what he has to say.

  “I want you to know I mean it. I’ll wait for you to come back. If you’ll wait for me.” I shake my head because I can’t talk, throat constricting again. His eyes widen, and then he turns and lies back onto the blanket. “Okay, I understand. A year is too long.”

  “No, I mean I’m not going. For a year, I mean.”

  “What do you mean?” He props himself on his elbow, brow knitting.

  “I’m only away for the summer now. I made some decisions and changed my mind about going for a year. It’s not the right thing to do.” I take hold of my cup and gulp the contents.

  Evan’s mouth parts slightly. “I’m confused. You never said.”

  Never said. When was the right time? The decision formed in the days in Lancaster, in the aftermath of Lucy. In my time alone surrounded by boxes, Evan wasn’t around to talk to about my plans, and I needed to know the decision was all mine.

  “I’m not confident enough to go alone. Not halfway across the world.”

  His hand curls around mine, the touch grounding me further. “You? Not confident? Ha.”

  “And something else.”

  Why am I saying this? I haven’t finalised everything. I looked into the possibility, and spoke to the right people, swallowed a huge lump of pride and asked my dad to pull strings. But sitting here now, with Evan, amongst the summer noise of children in the park and birds in the trees is my world. There’s a serenity with Evan and I’m certain this is the right choice.

  “I’m taking a place at Leeds in September. To study medicine.”

  To my surprise, Evan drops my hand and sits up. “No. You don’t want to do that. You never did.”

  “I always did, but because my parents made such a big deal and made me feel like I had to do what they wanted, I refused. Do you remember that night, when you said I was letting people control me by doing something I didn’t really want to do? That I was only doing that so I didn’t do what they expected? You saw inside me, and I don’t know how. I took that stupid job only so I didn’t do what they wanted. That’s messed up.”

  Evan drags a hand down his face and I wish I could fathom the thoughts. Is everything too late?

  “My decision is a little bit because of Lucy. I want to help people like her, and I can if I become a doctor. I think I’m selfish if I don’t use the skills I know I can achieve, to make a difference.”

  Without a word, Evan pushes himself to his feet and walks away from where we’re sitting. He looks over the expansive lake at the bottom of the slope. I curl my arms around my knees, the fought-back tears returning at his rejection. The attraction I have to him never once waned, even the days and weeks without him. I spent months with Evan unaware how tangled we truly got. Standing there now, I appreciate the snug fit of his jeans; the muscled arms and broad shoulders tensed in the moment we’re in.

  Evan turns back to me. “This is what you want to do? Not because of…”

  I can’t tell him. Not yet. I stand and fill the space between us, reaching my hand to his face. “Part of the reason is because of you. With you in my life, now isn’t the time to leave. I don’t know about the future, but I want to spend the now with you. If you want to.”

  Evan pulls my hand from his face and envelops me in the arms I’ve just been admiring. He kisses me until I can’t breathe, until I have to push him away. He cups my face in his hands, his eyes searching my soul.

  “Of course I want you to stay here. I love you, so bloody much.”

  I nod and smile, though a tear pushes its way down my face. Evan remains, holding me, as if he never wants to let go. The serenity around us spreads. This is natural, normal. Now.

  * * *

  As we arrive at the car, Evan pauses by the driver’s door and leans across the top towards me, keys dangling from his hands.

  “What’s wrong?”

  He walks around, and folds his arms across his chest. He’s frowning, but the Evan smile hints at his lips. “I’ve told you again today; you haven’t told me.”

  “What?”

  He mouths the words at me and I cross my arms in return. “Do you really need me to now? After what I’ve said?”

  His face folds into alarm, but I’m chewing inside my lip, trying not to laugh. I reach out and touch his face. “‘When I saw you, I fell in love and you smiled because you knew’.”

  “Shakespeare, huh? You’re getting good at this.” A smile curves his mouth. “It’s not true anyway. You didn’t like me when you saw me.”

  “Okay, the first time I didn’t.”

  “Or the second.”

  “True.”

  Evan plants
a gentle kiss on my nose. “By the third time?”

  “Growing on me, I think.”

  Winding my hand into his hair, I pull him forward and bite his lip. He makes a small noise in his throat and grabs me by the rear, pulling me in to him.

  “So it was the poetry!”

  I laugh at him. “That never ceases to amaze me.”

  “What doesn’t?”

  “You. Poetry.”

  “Byron was a poet and he’s a bit like me. Apparently.”

  I was going to wait, but I can’t now. “That’s why we’re going.”

  “Going where?”

  “To Tuscany. Where the original Byron liked to go.”

  Evan rests against the car. “We?”

  Summer stretches in front of us, three months of freedom before I become a student and Evan returns to his study. “Europe. I’m going for the summer. Coming?”

  “When?”

  “In a couple of weeks. Cashed in my flight ticket and I’m using the money for a summer European tour instead. I don’t want to go on my own.” I rest against Evan’s chest, enjoying the sensation of his body beneath mine.

  “I can’t afford that, Ness.”

  “We’ll get work when we’re there, and I have money to start with. Do you seriously think I’m leaving you behind? We can drive there.”

  Evan tips his head and looks at his car. “In yours maybe.”

  This is as close to a yes as I need. Grinning, I wrap my arms around his neck and our foreheads touch. “I hoped you’d want to come. Want me.”

  “I’ve always wanted you. I just didn’t want to need you.”

  I begin to reply, to tell him how he walked into my life and made me understand the beauty of letting go. But I can’t because, as soon as I begin to say the words, Evan crushes his mouth against mine, kissing as if he never wants to stop. We press together, against his car, wrapped in desire and understanding. Being with Evan is as natural as breathing. Even when I can’t breathe, because he shuts me up with hard kisses that leave me breathless, shaking, and wanting.