To Be An Israeli: The Fourth Book in the All My Love, Detrick series

by Roberta Kagan

  When they’d first married, she thought that she liked the feeling of control, but now she began to wish that Lucas would take the reins sometimes. She was getting tired of working and paying bills.

  He kept the studio and all of the classes, but he gave away more than he earned. Janice was sure that if Lucas had not married, he would have been completely satisfied to live all of his days in the back of his studio. Yet even though he drove her mad with his quiet acceptance and lack of ambition, she cared far too much for him to let him know that she was accepting money from her father.

  With the gift of a down payment from the Lichtensteins, the couple purchased a small house in Evanston. The following month, they both agreed that Janice should stop her birth control. She wanted a sibling for Bari, so they decided that she would have another child. With Maria’s help, they would manage. They had been in the house less than six months when Janice got pregnant.

  She said she would be uncomfortable sleeping on a mat on the floor once she began to grow big and demanded that they purchase a bed. Lucas wanted her to be happy, so he agreed. Although Janice did not realize it, Lucas had made as many sacrifices for her as she did for him.

  In the second month of her pregnancy, Janice woke up with intense uterine cramping. Lucas helped her to the car and drove white-knuckled to the local hospital. He refused to leave her side, even when the doctors told him that he must. Lucas was a powerful man, and the security guards were unable to move him. But several nurses and orderlies gently coaxed Lucas out of the room. He watched as Janice was wheeled down to surgery.

  For three intense hours, he sat cross-legged on the floor by the door of her room waiting for her to return. The doctor finally came to speak to him. Janice had lost the baby, but she was going to be all right. He was sad at the loss but relieved that he would not have to endure a life without the woman he loved.

  As soon as Janice was brought back to her room, Lucas was at her side. When she awakened and learned the news about the baby, he held her as she cried and told her how much he loved her. She was a strong-willed woman, but when she was hurting, it was Lucas that gave her the strength to keep from breaking.

  ***

  Bari Lynn was not what would be considered a pretty child. She was overweight with thick, frizzy, auburn hair, a round face, and a shy, self-conscious disposition. Her grandparents gave her everything a child could want materially. Growing up, she had the best clothes and the most modern bicycles available, trips to Disneyland, and even tickets to Bozo’s Circus. But except for her friendship with her stepfather, Lucas, Bari was a lonely child. What she longed for was acceptance. She started kindergarten as the outcast, and that same stigma continued through the first, second, and third grades.

  Every day after school, she went to the karate studio where she sat on the sidelines watching the classes. She knew she was clumsy and was afraid of looking foolish, so she didn’t get up to exercise and practice with the other children. Lucas never forced her. He knew how difficult life was for Bari.

  Her grandparents, in their overprotective love for her, had instilled a fear inside of her, a fear of everything. Bari was afraid to try anything new, afraid she would get hurt. Her grandparents warned against playing on the slide or the monkey bars. They warned about strangers, they warned about swimming. Bari was crippled with fear.

  Although Bari Lynn was eight years old and no longer needed a nanny, Janice wanted Maria to stay on. Maria, not meaning to hurt Bari, reinforced the child’s fears by constantly reminding Bari to be careful, and that the world was a dangerous place. When the other children played on the playground, they teased her because she was heavyset. Unlike her mother, she was unable to speak up for herself, so she withdrew even further.

  All of her life, her strong mother had been her voice, so when Bari was alone with children her age, she was awkward and unable to make friends.

  One afternoon, after school, Bari arrived at Lucas’ studio as she always did. He took one look at her swollen eyes and red, blotchy face, and he knew that she’d been crying. Class was about to start, but Lucas felt that he needed to talk to Bari alone in the back room, away from the others.

  “Mike, you take the class through beginning exercises,” Lucas said to one of the students. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

  “Yes, Sensei.” Mike bowed and began instructing the class.

  Lucas knelt beside Bari Lynn. “Hey, how ya doin’?” he asked in a Chicago accent meant to get her to crack a smile.

  She shrugged, and he sobered.

  “Let’s go in the back and have a talk.”

  She shrugged again. “I’m okay,” she said.

  “Come on.”

  Bari got up and followed Lucas. When they got into the back room, he pointed to a chair. “Sit down. Let’s have a talk.”

  She sat and looked at him then began to cry. “All the kids hate me, and everyone makes fun of me, calling me fat and ugly. And they’re right: I am fat and ugly. I hate my life. I wish I could die.”

  Lucas knew that it would help if she took up the martial arts, but Bari was too self-conscious to try. Every day, Lucas had watched her sit on the sidelines, leaning against the wall and observing the class. His heart went out to his adopted daughter.

  “Listen, I have an idea,” Lucas said. It was then that he knew she needed to be trained privately. Once trained, she shouldn’t feel like anyone would laugh at her and would not be so embarrassed and afraid of failure. If he was able to convince her, this just might be the answer. Lucas would make the effort. He would help her.

  “You know, I was thinking. Why don’t I train you in judo or karate, your choice? I will teach you privately. That way you won’t have to feel uncomfortable with the other kids. What do you think?”

  “I don’t really want to learn. I’m afraid to spar, even with you. I might get hurt.”

  “How about if you don’t spar? I’ll just teach you after the class is done. It will be just us until Mom gets here. What do you think?”

  “I’m so scared that I’ll get hurt or look like a fat cow…”

  “Bari, you can’t spend your life being afraid. And you can’t worry about what other people think of you. I won’t think you’re a fat cow.”

  “But I don’t know how to stop being scared.”

  “Listen to me,” Lucas said, and he took her hands in his. “Pull the energy and strength from your chi. Do you know what that is?”

  “No,” Bari said.

  “It’s your life energy. It’s right here.” Lucas pointed to the area of his solar plexus. “You have great inner strength in your chi. It’s a strength that you have never known was there. I promise, if you train with me, you won’t get hurt. And I promise you won’t make a fool of yourself, and I will never think badly of you. Will you try for me?” he asked.

  Eight-year-old Bari Lynn studied her stepfather. He’d always been so kind to her and her mother. His warm and sincere gaze never left hers. He was the only father she had ever known, and she trusted him completely.

  “Okay, I’ll try,” she said.

  “Good, then we’ll start tomorrow,” Lucas said, getting up. He wet a towel in the sink and handed it to Bari. “Here, wash your face. It will make you feel better, and then come on out and watch the class.”

  Bari Lynn did not excel at her training at first, but every day, Lucas continued to work with her. Lucas made it fun instead of work. When Bari messed up, he laughed with her rather than at her, and soon she was confident enough to laugh at herself.

  Three weeks later, Lucas and Bari Lynn decided that she no longer needed a nanny. Bari had become more self-sufficient and appeared to be coming out of her shell and growing up.

  She was uncoordinated because she’d never used her muscles, and it took her a long time to accustom her body to the martial arts. However, Lucas was patient.

  As they trained, Bari began to open up to Lucas even more than she had before, and he listened to her in a way that no one eve
r had. She had always loved him, always considered him a more than a father. He was a friend and easier to talk to than her mother. But now, she’d begun to tell him her deepest secrets: how her mother made her feel small and worthless, and how her grandparents did not see her as having any will of her own. Even though she was only eight, she wanted some voice in her family, some voice in her decisions, and some voice in her life.

  Lucas knew that because she was shy, lonely, and tied up in silence inside of herself, she’d made food her best friend. The other kids had been outside riding their bikes, but Bari had never joined them. Though she had the best bike on the market, no one had ever taught her to ride.

  Before she started studying with Lucas, all she ever did was come to sit on the sidelines of the class, and as soon as Lucas was finished, she asked to be taken home.

  Once she got into the house, she would change into a long tee shirt and sit in front of the television with a bag of potato chips and a coke. Her unhealthy eating habits had not only put extra weight on her body, but she’d begun to have problems with her complexion, breaking out in pimples which made her even more self-conscious.

  She had to study hard just to be an average student, so even the smart kids shunned her. Until she had begun training with Lucas, Bari was alone most of the time.

  Now every day, Lucas trained Bari after the rest of the students went home. Once they’d finished their work, Lucas and Bari would sit on the floor at the studio and talk.

  “Dad, I wish the other kids liked me.”

  “Before the other kids can like you, you have to learn to like you, Bari. If you don’t like yourself, how can you expect other people to like you?”

  “I don’t like me. I hate myself.”

  “I know, and you shouldn’t. You are a beautiful girl with so much potential. I can see the potential in you.”

  “Really, you can?”

  “Yep. I sure can. What would you like to do with your life?”

  “You mean when I grow up? I don’t know.”

  “If you had a choice of doing anything at all, what would it be?”

  “This is going to sound silly, considering I get such lousy grades.”

  “Nothing is silly. What is it you want to do?”

  “I’d like to be a veterinarian.”

  “I know you love animals.”

  “Mom doesn’t. She won’t let me get a dog. I’ve been begging her, but she says the dog will make a mess of the house.”

  “Maybe I can talk to her, and we’ll see if she might consider letting you have a pet,” Lucas smiled.

  “Do you think I could be a vet? I mean really, do you really think so? I mean, am I smart enough?”

  “Sure. I think you could do anything that you want to do if you put your mind to it.”

  “Dad…”

  “Yes?”

  “I’m going to try harder in school.”

  “Mom and I will help you every step of the way. And I’ll talk to Mom about getting a dog.”

  ***

  Janice didn’t want the responsibility of a dog. She thought it would be far too much trouble. So Lucas compromised, and they decided to get a kitten. “There is no training with a cat,” Lucas told Janice. “They automatically use the litter box, and they don’t chew.”

  “But they scratch, and they claw up the furniture. Oh, Luke, there you go again. You’re always trying to make someone happy.” She smiled and shrugged her shoulders. “You know that’s one of the things I love about you.”

  “Well, isn’t that what life is all about, Jan? Besides, Bari is a good kid. I know I’m not her birth father, but hell, I’ve raised her like my own child.”

  “Yes, you really have. I couldn’t have asked for a better father for Bari. You have been wonderful, not only to Bari but to me, too.” He has his faults, she thought, but so do I. “Sometimes, I don’t know how you put up with me.”

  “I don’t know how I do, either,” Lucas kidded.

  “Shut up,” Janice said, laughing. “You put up with me because you love me.”

  “I do, Jan, I really do love you. You’ve given me a home and a family and a life. Before you, I was searching. I always felt alone…”

  Janice leaned over and kissed Lucas. Then she closed the door and turned off the light. He walked over to her and kissed her and then began unbuttoning her blouse.

  “Have I ever told you that you’re the best lover?”

  “Tell me again. I love to hear it,” he said.

  ***

  Bari was thrilled the following day when Lucas took her to the local animal shelter, where she picked out a kitten. She named the cat Harry. He was a tiny black and white tuxedo cat, and he adored Bari. This little kitten gave Bari the love, acceptance, and fulfillment that she did not receive from children.

  The two became the best of friends. Harry followed Bari everywhere. As soon as she got into the house, Harry met her at the door. When Bari did her homework, Harry sat on the edge of the bed and waited. In the evenings after dinner, Harry played with Bari until they both fell asleep on her bed with his head resting beside Bari’s on her pillow.

  ***

  And so it was that her stepfather Lucas and the martial arts changed Bari’s life. Over the next nine years, she slimmed down, got her hair straightened, and became best friends with her stepfather.

  CHAPTER 61

  ISRAEL 1972

  The Offices of Mossad

  Elan Amsel had just returned to work after taking a week off to bury his mother in Jerusalem. After he had left Jerusalem to join Mossad, his mother had moved in with his brother and sister-in-law. At the funeral, they were polite, but Elan knew they resented him for leaving his mother and his father’s business behind.

  He shrugged it off. He was tired of caring. People demanded far too much. They expected him to spend his days living a life that was sucking the will to live right out of him.

  Five years ago when he returned from the Six-Day War, he realized where he belonged, and it was not selling tomatoes at the market. As soon as he’d joined Mossad, he felt a burst of rejuvenation. He began to see the world with new eyes. Aryeh had tried to tell him that he was turning his back on his responsibilities to his family.

  Sometimes, when he was alone at night, he felt bad about leaving his mother. But why was it always his duty to care for her? Why not Aryeh? He’d had her for a few years. It was time for his brother to take a turn. When he thought of it all that way, it was easy to rationalize his decision. Besides, guilt was a wasted emotion. It didn’t serve any purpose.

  Tonight he’d turn on some music and have a few drinks. In fact, he’d have as many cocktails as it took to forget all about the funeral and the accusing face of his brother, Aryeh.

  “Amsel, go home already, it’s late,” said Zui Zami, the director of Mossad. “Get some rest. I’m sure it’s been a long week for you with your family and all.”

  “I’m glad to be back, Zui. This is my home. This is where I belong.”

  Zui nodded. “I feel the same. I know what you mean.”

  Michael Harari picked up his briefcase. “Good night, you two. I’m exhausted. I’ll see you both in the morning.”

  Elan nodded a silent goodnight. He was the last one to go home, and nothing was waiting for him at his apartment but an empty fridge and an answering machine full of messages to call Marva. Marva—the last of a long line of women of whom he grew tired of as soon as they pressured him to get married.

  When Janice had divorced him, and then he had been rejected by Katja, he decided that he was never getting married again. And the more he dated, the more it seemed to him that was what every woman wanted. So when one of his girlfriends would start to nag about the future, he just dropped her cold without any messy explanations and went on to the next one.

  Elan knew he was handsome, and there was always another one in line. And quite frankly, he didn’t feel that any of the women he had been with were worth the effort. He lit a cigarette and le
aned back in his chair.

  “I’m going home, Elan. I’ll see you tomorrow, yes?”

  “Yes, of course, Zui. You have a good night,” Elan said.

  Now Elan was alone in the office, looking down at the street. He could hear the sounds of the automobiles and people outside, but in the room where he sat was peaceful. The sun was painting the sky in varying shades of orange and fuchsia. It had been a hot August day, and the following day was predicted to be just as hot. Elan thought that it would be a good thing if they got some rain to cool things off.

  In a few minutes, he’d leave and pick up a falafel sandwich from the café down the road then go home to watch the opening ceremony of the Olympics on television. He hated the fact that Munich had been given the honor of hosting the Olympics. The last time the games were held in Germany, Adolf Hitler, that son of a bitch, had been in power. Elan hated Germans. He could not forgive them for what had happened, and he blamed every German for not standing up to Hitler.

  Over the years, he’d made many friends who’d come to Israel after surviving the torture and death camps that the Germans built. And whenever he thought of Germany, it brought back memories of his one true love, Katja: the girl he could not marry because of her German blood. He didn’t want to admit that he knew in his heart, that she, too, was a victim of Hitler’s insanity. And if she was, how many other Germans were victims? It bothered him to be so soft. It was easier to hate than to forgive.

  Elan believed that Katja was the only woman he would ever really love. He’d tried to tell her. He’d tried to explain, but things had gone too far. So now he had a steady string of women who moved in and out of his life without too much excitement, like a slow-moving freight train. They gave him what he needed, but he didn’t give much thought to their feelings.

  After all, Elan Amsel prided himself in the fact that he never lied to any of them. He never promised any single one of them that he would marry her. Not once had he ever told one of these women that he loved her. The only two women he’d ever said those words to were his wife and Katja. And he’d come to believe that when he’d said it to Janice, he had been mistaken.