To Be An Israeli: The Fourth Book in the All My Love, Detrick series

by Roberta Kagan

  When he was sixteen, he’d broken into the main office of Children and Family Services, and he found his files. It wasn’t hard. He knew where his case worker sat. It was just a matter of breaking the lock on the file cabinet at her desk. Then he stole what he believed belonged to him–his files–and took them to the park where he sat under a street light alone and began to read.

  Lucas had been born to a girl of fifteen somewhere in the slums of St. Louis, Missouri. His hand had trembled as he held the paper, but he could not stop. He had to go on reading. It was time he knew the truth.

  That night, Lucas learned that he had a twin brother who died at birth. The case worker had written in smeared, blue ink that his mother had given birth prematurely, and the doctor believed that his twin died because of violence inflicted upon his mother during her pregnancy. She noted that she had reason to believe that his mother was a prostitute.

  After that night, his own rebellion had begun. Lucas dropped out of high school and was arrested for stealing. He carried a switchblade and wore a black leather jacket. If it had not been for a friend of his introducing him to the martial arts, Lucas was sure he would be dead or serving life in prison.

  Once he found the martial arts studio, his life changed. He found a purpose and answers to questions that burned in his soul. Questions like: Why had he been born? Was there a God? Why would God let him be born into such a bleak existence?

  The answers he had found were through meditation and the study of the Eastern ways. They were not cut and dry, by any means, but they were enough to help Lucas find inner peace. He became close friends with his teacher, his sensei. Studying hard, he advanced quickly to black belt. Sensei became the father that he needed so desperately, enlightening him not only with the wisdom of the Far East traditions, but also sharing friendship and understanding, something Lucas had never had.

  With the confidence he’d gained from working with his sensei, Lucas studied on his own for his GED. He passed the first time he took the test and got his high school diploma. Then Lucas had enrolled in junior college, taking courses in philosophy, but mostly he worked at the studio alongside his sensei, teaching the martial arts.

  Material things meant very little to him, so he hardly spent the money he had earned. Once when he was older, he’d looked for his birth parents, but he never found them. In the file he’d stolen he had a last known address for his birth mother, but when he went to that location, he found nothing. Nobody in the area had ever heard of her.

  When his sensei had died in a car accident, Lucas no longer wanted to stay in the city. He could not bear to go to the studio without his sensei. It was best that he start his life over in a new place. Over the years that he’d worked at the studio, Lucas had saved a nice sum of money, so he took what he had and left St. Louis on the bus. As soon as he arrived in Chicago, he opened his own studio.

  Lucas hoped that he’d done for Bari what his sensei did for him. And one thing he remembered that he could count on was that his sensei would always tell him the truth. No matter how harsh that reality might be. Perhaps that was why the lie that Janice had told Bari about her father bothered Lucas as much as it did. In keeping his wife’s secret, he felt that he was a part of the lie. Bari deserved to know the truth. If she chose to contact her father, for whatever reason, so be it.

  Janice hated Elan. Lucas did not believe in holding a grudge, but he understood why Janice felt the way she did, and he would not judge her for her feelings. Elan had hurt her deeply and, even though many years had passed, she still could not find it in her heart, to forgive him.

  But Lucas’ conscience was bothering him. There were no accidents. Everything happened for a reason. And for some reason, Bari was being drawn to go to Israel. Perhaps it was to learn the truth in spite of Janice. Lucas loved his wife, but he knew what he must do.

  CHAPTER 95

  Janice came home carrying her briefcase and a pile of papers. She threw her jacket on the dining room chair. Lucas watched her, and could tell by the way that she moved that she’d had another challenging day. Lucas took a deep breath. He dreaded the talk they were about to have.

  “Can I get you a drink, Jan?”

  “Yea, vodka and cranberry.”

  “Sure.” Lucas got up and began making the beverage. When he was finished, he handed her the glass.

  Janice stepped out of her black high-heeled pumps and sat down on the couch. “That bastard, Neilson. He’s pushing me far too hard on the budget. They want to cut funding for the arts again! Why is it always the arts? When there is a cut, they always take it from the arts! I don’t know what the hell he expects me to do, but he’s making me look like an asshole in front of my whole department!”

  Lucas sat quietly, breathing deeply, listening, and waiting for her to finish. He’d heard variations of this rant for the past two weeks. It was tedious, but he wanted to be as supportive as possible, so he continued to sit quietly and allowed her to vent. It took over half an hour and an entire drink before she quieted down from her day. When she did, Lucas got up and rubbed her shoulders.

  “You have always been so good at massaging,” she said, looking up at him.

  He smiled. “Your muscles are tight.”

  “I know. I feel on edge.”

  “Why don’t you take a hot shower, and then we can have dinner?”

  “That’s a good idea. And maybe after dinner, some alone time?”

  “Of course,” he said, “I look forward to it.”

  ***

  After they made love, she lay calmly in his arms. Now Lucas began to speak.

  “Jan, I want to talk to you about Bari.”

  “Bari?”

  “Yes. You know that Bari wants to go to Israel with Marilyn and the youth group from Marilyn’s synagogue. I think it would be good for her.”

  “I don’t want her going to Israel. I told you that before. There is too much shit in my past from Israel. I am not going to allow her to go there. That’s all there is to it.”

  “Jan, be reasonable.”

  “I am being as reasonable as I can. When I think of Israel, I want to scream. I am trying to stay calm. But I said no, and it’s no.”

  “She needs friends. Marilyn is her only friend. She needs to be with kids her own age. This would be good for her.”

  “Why Israel? Her father is there. She thinks he’s dead. What happens if she finds out he’s not? He’s such a bastard, Luke. I refuse to allow this to happen.” Her face was red with anger.

  “Janice, I know you’re not going to agree with me, but I think you’re wrong for lying to Bari about her father. It’s unfair of you. You should tell her the truth. Let the cards fall where they may, but she deserves to know the truth.”

  “What the hell do you care, Luke? She’s not your kid,” Janice said, turning away from him in the bed.

  “That’s not fair. I’ve raised her like she was my own, like she was my blood. Don’t be this way, Janice. Let her know that her father is alive. If she wants to meet him, let her meet him. You just can’t control everything.”

  “Fuck you, Lucas.” Janice sat up and crossed her arms over her chest. “You don’t know him. You don’t know anything about him.”

  “I know he hurt you. I love you, and I’m sorry for anything you went through, but you need to tell Bari the truth. If you don’t tell her, Janice, I will.”

  “Lucas! Who the hell do you think you are?”

  “I’m sorry. But this lie has been eating at me for years. It’s time she knew.”

  Janice glared at him in the dark room, lit only by a streak of light from the moon. “You had better not.”

  “I’m sorry, Jan, but I’m going to tell her. Then I am going to give her the money to go to Israel.”

  “You wouldn’t dare. I won’t sign the papers allowing her to go.”

  “Please, Janice. Please don’t do this. She’s eighteen. I think she can travel without your consent.”

  “Lucas, I forbid her.” />
  “You don’t want her to go because of your own feelings about what happened to you in Israel. I know you are afraid that she will meet someone and fall in love and stay there like you did. But Jan, you have to let her live her life. You can’t let what happened to you ruin things for Bari. She needs this. I don’t know if she needs a signature, but if she does and you don’t sign the release forms, I will.”

  Janice was angry, and she began to cry. Lucas leaned over and took her into his arms. At first, she tried to push him away, but he held her tightly until her body grew limp in his arms. Then he knew that she was ready to listen.

  “I’m just so afraid for her. I’m afraid of what she’ll do when she finds out that I’ve been lying to her all these years.”

  “Then I’ll tell her. I will make the peace between you for both your sakes.”

  “You always help me, Luke.” She laid her head on his chest, and he stroked her hair.

  “That’s because I love you, my little red-headed, stubborn brat.”

  She laughed. “I love you, too, Luke. How did I ever get so lucky to marry a man like you?”

  He kissed her. They sat for a while in each other’s arms. Then Lucas whispered in Janice’s ear, “I’ll go and tell her now.”

  Janice nodded. “I suppose you will have to tell her his name, too. Do you know that she doesn’t even know his real name?”

  Lucas shook his head. “It’ll be okay,” he said. He wasn’t about to reprimand Janice.

  Lucas put on his sweat pants. Lucas could see, by the look on Janice’s face, that she was worried. He gave her a smile of encouragement and hugged her shoulder.

  “By the way, I’ve never asked before. What is his name, Janice?”

  “Elan Amsel.”

  CHAPTER 96

  Lucas went into Bari Lynn’s room. They sat down on her bed and waited for a few minutes. Bari Lynn watched him. “So did you talk to mom? Did you ask her if I could go with Marilyn to Israel?”

  “Yes,” Lucas breathed. “And you will go with your friend. But first, Bari, there is something I have to tell you. Something you should know.”

  “Okay, Dad…”

  “Your mother made a mistake. She kept something from you that she thought would hurt you. She never wanted to lie to you, but…she couldn’t tell you.”

  “Tell me what, Dad?”

  “Bari, your father is alive. His name is Elan Amsel. He lives in Israel. I am assuming you might want to see him. I don’t know what you are going to find if you look him up. But what I do know is that you deserve to know the truth. Then whatever you decide to do about it should be your decision, not mine or your mother’s,” Lucas said.

  “Oh my God,” Bari said, staring at Lucas in disbelief. She was quiet for several minutes. Lucas gave her time to digest what he’d just told her.

  “You’re my dad. You’ll always be my dad, but I’m shocked, stunned.”

  “It’s understandable.”

  “I thought my birth father was dead, that he died in the Vietnam War. I never even knew he was an Israeli. I can’t help it, but I want to know who this Elan Amsel is and why he left my mom. I want to see him, to look at him, and to know where I came from. Does that make any sense at all?” Bari asked.

  “Yes, of course, it does. I understand completely. Please, Bari, don’t be too hard on your mom. For me…”

  She nodded. Her face was pale. “My mom is so damn controlling. I should have known this all of my life. She thinks it’s her right to keep things from me. It’s not fair.”

  “It’s only because she loves you, Bari.”

  CHAPTER 97

  The first time Ido kissed Ima, she felt like she was flying. It was as if she’d never been kissed before. All the men and all the memories of the horrors from her past dissipated like snow on a warm day. The first time they made love, Ima trembled with fear. She felt like a virgin, and in many ways, she was.

  Ido did not rush. He was careful, letting her set the pace. He felt her body trembling in his arms, and he knew she was terrified of her own emotions. So he stopped making love to her and just held her for a long time, whispering softly into her ear. He told her an old story that he’d once heard about a man who lived in ancient times, a man whose love for a woman had conquered all of her fears and made her whole again.

  As his quiet words soothed her nerves, Ima began to relax again, to breathe more slowly.

  “Are you sure you want to do this?” he asked.

  She nodded. “Yes.”

  ***

  Ima and Ido were married on the base. Ima finally felt she could write a letter to her mom and gram that she could send.

  Dear Mom and Bubbie,

  I just signed up for a second term in the IDF. The army has been a great experience for me. I met someone. He is the love of my life. His name is Ido, and I know you will both love him. This is going to sound a little strange, but we got married in a civil ceremony. Believe me, I know it was the right thing to do. I’ve messed up a lot of things in my life, but this isn’t one of them. Ido has helped me to realize how much I’ve hurt both of you over the years, and I am really sorry. I hope you can forgive me.

  Ido and I are coming to see both of you next week. We will only have a week to spend with you because although we have a longer leave, we’ve signed up for an extra assignment. The assignment pays well and since we want to buy a small house, we could use the extra money. The assignment seems like fun, actually. We are going to be escorting a group of American teenagers from a synagogue in the U.S. all around Israel. This should be interesting! Anyway, Ido and I look forward to seeing you both. By the way, my new name is Ima Hadar! Can you believe it?

  Love to you both,

  Ima

  CHAPTER 98

  Katja had to admit that Ima sounded much more mature, happier. But married? Just like that? Katja knew she must be thankful. After all, they had almost lost Ima forever. Before Ima went to serve in the IDF, her mother and grandmother were afraid that any day they might find Ima dead from suicide or an overdose of drugs. Katja was pleasantly surprised at the outcome of everything.

  Her friends, the other women who were a part of her organization, had told her to expect that Ima would come back from the IDF as a different person. “They’ll help her in the army, you’ll see,” one of Katja’s friends said. Katja had been hopeful when Ima left. She hadn’t known what to expect. And now Ima was married? Katja’s mind whirled. Married…to whom? How did it happen?

  When Katja told Zofia, somehow, Zofia was not surprised.

  “This was what Ima needed. She needed to grow up, and the IDF does that. It makes them grow up,” Zofia said.

  “But married?” Katja said. “I can’t say I expected that…”

  “Listen, they’ll be here next week. Then we’ll meet the boy, and we can get a better grasp on everything. Young love can happen very quickly, Kat. You forget, my sunshine.”

  “Yes, I suppose. That’s what age does to you, Mama.”

  Zofia laughed. She didn’t need to say anything. She understood. She was still young at heart. Even after all this time, she could still remember how it felt to be in Isaac’s arms. How even though they were living in the worst possible conditions when they first met, hiding in the forest from the Nazi persecution, she’d still felt such joy at his touch. So she understood young love, even now—maybe especially now.

  Although Zofia would never tell her daughter, when she was so terribly sick with the radiation treatment, she’d wanted to die because she wanted to be in Isaac’s embrace again. When she couldn’t eat because of the horrible way that the treatments left her feeling, she remembered the time back in the forest when Isaac helped her eat raw fish. She’d almost vomited, but then as he put the food into her mouth, he began to talk about the bread his mother baked. His voice was so calm and comforting that she could almost taste the warm, sweet dough. And somehow he had managed to help her to swallow the food. He saved her life.

  Oh Isaac, sh
e thought, I miss you so much.

  CHAPTER 99

  The wind seemed to jitterbug through the trees as Ima opened the door to her mother’s house.

  “So come in, this is where I live.” She smiled at Ido.

  “If I had known you were rich, I would have married you sooner.” He laughed.

  “That’s why I never told you.” She winked at him.

  “You know it doesn’t matter, don’t you?” he asked.

  “Of course, I know,” she said. “Mom… Grandma…we’re here,” Ima called out.

  Katja came rushing down the stairs and stopped short as she gazed down at her daughter whose arm was hooked into the arm of a strong, young, Israeli man. Katja felt her heart sink as she remembered herself long ago when she’d become engaged to Elan. She had looked so much like Ima that it caused her to shudder. Zofia came out of her bedroom, still in her housecoat. They had not expected Ima and her new husband until much later in the day.

  “Mom, Grandma…this is Ido.”

  “It’s a pleasure to meet you,” Zofia said, coming over and engulfing Ima first and then Ido in an embrace.

  Katja just stood frozen like an ice sculpture on the stairs.

  “Mom?” Ima said.

  Katja could not release her gaze. Ido reminded her of Elan, strong and so incredibly sexy. What would he think if he knew the truth? What if he knew that Ima was the daughter of a child born under Nazi direction into the Lebensborn? Elan had left her. Would Ido leave Ima? Even now, Katja’s past haunted her.

  Katja still stood, unable to move, and watched her daughter as if she were watching a movie. She closed her eyes tightly, trying to push the memory of Elan out of her mind. But instead, she saw Helga’s face appear in her mind’s eye. Helga, her birth mother, was crying, and then the image of the helmet of an SS officer shot through her brain, and Katja’s knees buckled.