Magic and Mayhem: My Peculiar Road Trip (Kindle Worlds Novella) (Peculiar Mysteries Book 6)

by Renee George

  Chav pounced in front of him, all seven feet of her growled as her lips curled to expose two-inch canines. “No one talks about my BFF like that unless it’s me. Get it, kitty? Keep it up, and I will eat you up and shit you out like the fertilizer you are.”

  “Damn, girl, you are fierce,” Zelda said as she joined us in the square. “Go ahead. Ask Regina your questions. I’ll make sure she sticks around to answer them.”

  “It’s Reginald, you cretin,” the familiar said with indignation. “I am not female.”

  “You will be if you don’t answer our questions,” Zelda said.

  The white cat’s throat bobbed up and down with a gulp. “What do you want to know?

  “What kind of spell did Helen use on Hildy?”

  He hesitated. “It was a double-fold spell.”

  “And what does that mean?”

  “A double fold spell is when something is mirrored or made in the image of something else,” Zelda said. “But those usually aren’t dark spells. Give us the whole truth.” Shimmering gold sparks leaped from her fingers. “Unless you want to be singing soprano.”

  Reginald made a strangled sound. “She made herself in Hildy’s image. She thought if she could look like her, she could have her life.”

  “But Chuck didn’t buy it,” Willy said. “Did he? He could smell that she wasn’t Hildy, couldn’t he? From what I hear, the mate bond can’t be faked.”

  Zelda nodded. “It can’t be. And it can’t be broken either. Believe me. I didn’t want to be mated, but the bond gives you zero choice in the matter.” She smiled. “It does come with some unbelievably hot perks though.”

  “Oh.” I put my fingers over my lips. “Oh no.”

  “What?” Zelda asked.

  Chavvah looked at me. “Did you get another vision?”

  “Not exactly,” I said. “But I’m pretty sure I know where Helen Mirren is hiding.”

  Chapter Ten

  I’d taken off my shoes to keep up with running. It wasn’t just the therians and Shifters outpacing me, that freaking Zelda was a speed demon. We ran up Main Street past the hardware store, the barbershop, and the grocery store to the diner.

  Zelda blew the hinges off the diner door, and Wanda yelped.

  “That’s my business!”

  “Sorry,” Zelda said. “Heat of the moment.”

  Inside, all the tables were full of scared Shifters, and some people were huddled in the corners. “Shifter Wanker,” someone yelled. “Save us. My darling Brian disappeared this morning.”

  Zelda blinked. “Where is DeeDee?” Her voice boomed with anger as rainbow sparks glittered off her like a float in a Pride Parade.

  I scanned the room. I saw her chestnut hair bobbing toward the kitchen. “There!” I pointed to where she ran.

  “Freeze!” Zelda bellowed. Her fingers began to twitch as everyone froze in place.

  Zelda began to chant: Don’t even itch, you, stupid witch. Stand still as I break your will. You shall not pass. Or I’ll kick your sorry ass.

  DeeDee slowly pivoted to face Zelda. “How?” she asked.

  “Reginald told us about your little foray into Doppelganger Land,” I said. “And I remembered that you didn’t remember inviting us to stay this morning, or even where your tissue was in your own kitchen. You’ve been acting confused and blaming it on the strangeness going on in town. Mix that in with my vision of the real DeeDee all tied up, and it could only come down to one thing. You stole DeeDee’s face, just like you had with Hildy when you wanted her life.”

  “That’s impossible,” Bob said. “Witches can’t Shift. It’s in the rules.”

  “But she didn’t Shift,” Zelda said. “She took on DeeDee’s human appearance. She didn’t turn into a deer Shifter.”

  I crossed my arms. “Very clever, indeed.”

  “And you would have gotten away with it, too,” Chav said in her best Scooby-villain voice. “If it hadn’t been for a human psychic and her awesome therian friends you sucked into your vile scheme.”

  “Fix your mess,” Zelda said. “Fix it now, or I’ll use your skin as new drapes.”

  “Ew,” Ruth said.

  DeeDee blanched.

  A sudden warrior’s cry startled us all, as Wanda went flying across the diner to tackle DeeDee to the floor and started pummeling the woman. “Where is my friend, you, stupid cow? What did you do to her? I swear if you hurt DeeDee, I will pull out every hair on your body one at a time before I eviscerate you.”

  “She’s alive,” the witch wearing a DeeDee suit yelled. “She’s fine.”

  “Where do you have her tied up?” I asked. “I saw a blue with a pinky-purple couch.”

  Wanda stopped punching the doppelganger. “That’s DeeDee’s basement.” She got up and took off out of the diner in a sprint.

  Zelda nodded. “That’s one mystery solved. Now, Helen. Undo what you’ve done.”

  ****

  “I can’t undo the spellwork,” the strawberry-blonde witch said. She’d changed herself back to her normal appearance at Zelda’s insistence. Zelda had said that witches couldn’t turn into Shifters, but apparently, what Helen had done was use dark magic to turn a makeup glamour into something more substantial. It was weird looking at her in her real body. She was tall, leggy, and had boobs that could grace the pages of Plastic Surgery Monthly. “I’ve told you that a hundred times. I used a different kind of magic to get me here from the other reality, and it doesn’t work in this world. I’ve tried. Believe me. I’ve tried.”

  “When Baba Yaga gets here, your ass is grass,” Zelda said.

  “I want to go home,” I whined. “This town isn’t even a nice place to visit. I certainly don’t want to live here.”

  “That’s fair,” said Zelda. “It hurts a little, but it’s fair.”

  “Why Jane Tennison?” Willy asked. “Why that name?”

  “I got tired of saying, ‘no, not Helen Mirren, the actress.’ Do you know how tedious that is in your celebrity obsessed world? I figured taking the name Jane Tennison was only fair since Dame Mirren had made our name a household staple. It was a protest, of a sort.”

  “Lame,” Zelda said.

  “This is getting us nowhere,” I said. “If this isn’t fixed, we will all lose.”

  Just then, two handsome men, the first, a very tall and muscular dude was holding a baby girl, and a gorgeous blonde woman who looked like she took her fashion cues for 80s Madonna popped into the kitchen.

  “Sunny, Chavvah, Ruth, and Willy, meet my mate Mac, our daughter Audrey, Fabdudio, my dad, and Baba Ganush.” She gestured to us. “Family meet the gang from other-Earth.” She stood up and smacked the paralyzed Helen in the back of the head. “And this is Helen Stinkypants. Currently, the bane of my existence.” She rested her elbow on her center island and placed her chin in the palm of her hand. She looked at the blonde and said, “So what’s the plan?”

  “We let Helen go,” Baba Yaga said without fanfare.

  “No!” I cried out. “She has to fix this. We can’t stay here.”

  The blonde woman smiled, then adjusted her Borderline black-lace bow. “Letting her go, will fix this. Helen has to return to your reality. It’s the only way to reverse the mix of our worlds.”

  “Will we turn back into your human selves again?” Willy asked. “I’m getting married soon.”

  “Ditto that,” Chav added.

  Baba Yaga gave Chavvah an interested look. “I’ve never seen anything like you before. I wish I had time to study you.”

  “Like a lab experiment. No, thanks.” She shook her great head side to side. “Like Willy, I have a wedding to get ready for.”

  “Then you all are in luck,” Baba Yaga said. “I will strip Helen of her magic, and we’ll have to shove her into your world. Everything that came with her should go right back.” She smiled. “Including you.”

  “And my people?” Mac asked.

  “They should return here.”

  Fabdudio took Baba Yaga’s h
and and gave it a squeeze. “Carol will make this right,” he assured us.

  “Then let’s do this.”

  Helen moaned. “Nooooooooooooooooooooo.”

  “Shut up, Helen Mirren,” Chav, Ruth, Willy, and I said simultaneously.

  “It’s unanimous,” Zelda said. “Zip it, witch.” She wiggled her fingers, and Helen’s mouth clamped shut. She smiled at us. “Let’s get you guys home.”

  ****

  The entire town, what was left, joined us on the outskirts of town, just past the sign welcoming folks to Assjacket. I hugged Wanda. “Thank you for all your hospitality and help.”

  “You’re welcome,” she said.

  I shook Kurt’s hand. “You made a good temporary king. I’m sorry we had to screw up your short reign.”

  He chuckled. “I’m okay with giving up the crown.”

  To DeeDee, I said, “I’m sorry I didn’t realize you were in the basement sooner. My bad.”

  She smiled and nodded. “Not your fault.”

  Bob and Roger stood next to each other. “It was nice meeting you guys. See you...well, never, but you know.”

  Next was the four chipmunk brothers, who had walked us to our destination as animals then transformed into naked men again. “Well, scary-crows, I think I will miss you all the most. I won’t miss your dangly bits.”

  “You’re not a stranger anymore, Sunny,” Chip said. And when they all moved in for the hug, I jumped away and held out my hand. “This feels more like a handshake moment.”

  After we’d wrapped up our goodbyes, Zelda, Baba Yaga, and Helen were waiting for us. “You ready?” Zelda asked.

  “We are.” I watched, waiting for some spectacular magic to unfold, but instead, Zelda turned Helen toward the road and gave her a hard shove. The witch stumbled forward and disappeared into a mist.

  “Is that it...”

  Zelda and the rest of Assjacket disappeared in a blink, and I landed with a thud on top of a round table, my hand on the fortune teller’s wrist. I let go and rolled away from her like she was on fire.

  Chav stood up from her seat, Ruth and Willy cried out and hugged each other as they danced around behind me. “What just happened?” I asked.

  We all stared at Helen Mirren, who now had dark hair and dark eyes and was once again in her fortune teller costume.

  “Get out!” she shrieked. “All of you. Get out!”

  “Hey, you owe us an apology, you stupid—” A crystal ball winged toward my head.

  “I said get out!” she sobbed.

  Not needing to be told thrice, we all bolted out the door and into the casino. Zelda and Carol had explained that depriving Helen of her power, even the little she’d maintained on this side of the veil, was even worse than going to Witch Jail. At least with Witch Jail, there would have been some hope of parole.

  Miraculously, my shoes and my dress were now whole and nice again. My feet still freaking hurt though. I grabbed Chav’s hand. “Did all that really happen?”

  “I’m thinking mass delusion,” Willy said. “At least that’s the way I’m going to tell it.”

  “Do you think everyone in Assjacket returned safely?” Ruth asked.

  “Let’s not ever say the name of that town again,” Chav said.

  “Better not to borrow trouble,” Ruth agreed. “Maybe we should make a pact to never speak of it again.”

  “Agreed.” And at that moment, our friendship was solidified even more.

  “Hold on.” I rummaged my purse and pulled out my phone. Full bars and a clear signal, and hardly any time had passed since we’d walked into Madame Tennison’s salon. “I have to call, Babe.”

  As I punched in the number, I heard Willy ask Ruth, “Where can I buy a pregnancy test?”

  As a deep, masculine voice sleepily answered the phone. “Sunny,” he said. “You okay?”

  “Hey, Babe.” Every part of me relaxed as I steeped myself in his soft, sexy tone. “I’m just missing you.”

  “I miss you, too. You having a good time?”

  “I’d be having a better time at home in bed with you.”

  I heard the covers shuffle on his side. “Oh, yeah. Tell me about it.”

  I glanced over at my therian friends with their supersonic hearing and grinned. “Later.” We said our I love yous and hung up.

  “So, you all want to go to the midnight magic show?” Ruth asked.

  “No!” we sang in chorus.

  Ruth grinned. “Kidding.”

  The End

  Want more Peculiar?

  www.peculiarmysteries.com

  You’ve Got Tail (Book One)

  My Furry Valentine (Book Two)

  Thank You For Not Shifting (Book Three)

  My Hairy Halloween (Book Four)

  In The Midnight Howl (Book Five)

  My Peculiar Road Trip (Book Six)

  Furred Lines (Book Seven)

  CHECK OUT ALL THE AUTHORS IN THE MAGIC AND MAYHEM WORLD!!

  Robyn Peterman

  Michele Bardsley

  Boone Brux

  Mina Carter

  Ann Charles

  Saranna DeWylde

  Teresa Gabelman

  Renee George

  Mindy Klasky

  Cate Lawley

  Heather Long

  Lissa Matthews

  Isabel Micheals

  Julia Mills

  Kate Richards

  DC Thome

  More Humorous Paranormal

  Mysteries and Romances

  By Renee George

  Peculiar Mysteries

  www.peculiarmysteries.com

  You’ve Got Tail (Book 1)

  My Furry Valentine (Book 2)

  Thank You For Not Shifting (Book 3)

  My Hairy Halloween (Book 4)

  In the Midnight Howl (Book 5)

  Barkside of the Moon Mysteries

  www.barksideofthemoonmysteries.com

  Pit Perfect (Book 1)

  The Money Pit (Book 2)

  Pit & Run (Book 3)

  Witchin’ Impossible Mysteries

  www.romance-the-night.com

  Witchin’ Impossible (Book 1)

  Witchin’ Impossible: Rogue Coven (Book 2)

  Witchin’ Impossible: Familiar Protocol (Book 3)

  Witchin’ Impossible: Mr. & Mrs. Shift (Book 4)

  About the Author

  USA Today Bestselling Author, Renee George writes paranormal mysteries and romances because she loves all things whodunit, Otherworldly, and weird. Also, she wishes her pittie, the adorable Kona, could talk. Or at least be more like Scooby-Doo and help her unmask villains at the haunted house up the street.

  When she’s not writing about mystery-solving werecougars or the adventures of a hapless psychic living among shapeshifters, she dons her superhero cape and rescues kittens. Okay, the kitten totally showed up one day, and suddenly she’s got a new pet named Simon. Then another one showed up, and she ended up with another cat named Ash. She lives in Missouri with her family and spends her non-writing time doing really cool stuff...like watching TV and cleaning up dog poop.