Hellucination (Wrath Limited Edition)

by Stephen Biro

  They were a little bit taken aback; I had made headway with their grandson in a cult video store.

  When they picked him up, I said, “Hey, remember what I said, okay?”

  He said, “Yeah, keep painting the picture I want to leave behind.”

  I laughed and said, “Never forget about that picture. Sometimes you might not see it, but someday you will.”

  I closed up the shop and prayed I made a difference in his life. I know he made a difference in mine.

  I have never been able to remember that kid’s name. I used it a number of times as we spoke, but as soon as he left the store, it disappeared from my memory.

  I know what you’re thinking and so am I. He might have been another test or maybe even an angel. The innocence and the wonder of it all takes my breath away. A 14-year-old boy was at his wit’s end, ran away, came to my store and talked to me because I wouldn’t judge him.

  That night, I slept the sleep of reason. For a while, I worked and played and didn’t think much of the metaphysical world.

  Then one night, I slipped into bed and lay there, waiting for the soft envelope of sleep to overtake me. But it didn’t. Something was amiss. Something bubbled up into my subconscious and took hold. I didn’t know where it was going, but I felt it for what it was. My prayers—or possibly my nightmares—were about to be answered.

  THE LORD ANSWERS THE CALL AND THE BIBLE SPEAKS

  We find ourselves in the library again, but it’s different this time. Each book on each shelf is switching and spreading out like a piece of silly putty. Nothing can be sharply discerned except for the two of us. You look at the ceiling and the floor, and they’re not just breathing, they’re hyperventilating. The fire’s flames burn backwards. Hypno-condusive flames eat into each other instead of burning outward. The leather on your chair flows slowly, and you feel it spread down the body of the chair but still keep its form. You slide to the end of the chair and wiggle your ass back onto it. You see me trying to hold it together for both of our sakes. You look into my soul and find an unseen level of fear.

  Onyx spikes thrust from every inch of space around us. They stab the air, making their way towards us. You realize that I lost control of our library setting. I clutch my face in desperation. The sobs of my soul wrack my body to the hilt.

  “Stephen, I’ve seen where you have been, and I know what you need to do. Please, control your mind while I am here.”

  I try to hold back the terrors of what I witnessed. I gasp and almost fall over. But you’re here, giving me the support I didn’t have before.

  The onyx spikes suddenly stop about a foot away from us. You look around and see them wrapped around the whole room, ready to eradicate us. My tears continue, but I lean up and wipe the sadness from my eyes. I look and actually see you for who you are.

  I feel your pain and torture, your happiness and joy, and I can understand more than anyone else. But in turn, I know you feel my fury and suffering. I know you can understand my exhilaration and ecstasy. I know you’re a soul wanting the answers. I’m just afraid to follow through.

  The spikes melt onto the floor. I regain control of our surroundings, and you feel it. The fire burns like a fire while the melted spikes wash down the drain.

  I laugh and say, “Good thing you imagined that drain earlier. I wouldn’t have thought about it earlier, but that’s how everything happens.”

  I stand and continue, “I’m sorry for letting it get out of control for us. I never wanted to, and I didn’t think it would. Again, I’m sorry.”

  I pace back and forth, in front of the fireplace, and say, “I brought you to places that probably should have been off limits. But I thought it would be easier for you to understand.”

  You shift in the chair, uncomfortable.

  I’m still pacing. I say, “I’m about to meet my Maker and go into the bowels of Hell. You can’t come with me.”

  Your hands shudder as you grasp what I am saying.

  I say, “You can’t come.”

  The library is perfectly still, and you could read everything around you. But you’re staring at me. You know this is it. No turning back.

  I lean towards you and say, “I’m sorry. What I’m about to experience is only for me. I’m going to leave you on this level, and I am going forth into what the Lord wants me to. Think of it this way: I’m a deep sea diver, and you’re on the boat. We have an intercom, and I’ll be in constant contact. But I’m at the mercy of what I encounter. Nothing you can do will change my outcome.”

  You don’t know what is going to happen, but you know I’m about to say goodbye. We lock gazes and make up our minds to do what is right.

  “I don’t remember everything I experienced in Hell but I will try. The deeper I went, the more confusing it became. I hope you don’t mind. I didn’t take any notes as I did for everything else.”

  I breathe hard, and an electrostatic door opens in between us. The static electricity of it makes our hair stand on end. I lean around the door and say to you, “I wouldn’t be going back or even try to remember what happened to me. But it will always be here in my mind.”

  The door shifts and pulsates in front of me. It caves in parts towards me, and hands, forming themselves out of the static, grab me. They clutch my hands and ankles while trying to thrust me into the entryway.

  I scream. The last door of my life pulls me through.

  *

  I find myself lying in bed, trying to sleep.

  I felt something approaching but didn’t know what it was. My body tingled. I tried to roll over and go to sleep, but a dread came over me. Every cell in my body resonated with a low-pitched hum that gently shook me. It was like 1,000 monks all humming the same song in my head. I felt a presence of unknown power coming closer and closer.

  That’s when the room started to glow. It grew whiter with each second that flew by in my primitive mind. It culminated in a flash that grabbed my soul.

  The rumble started deep within me, as if I finally knew where my soul was. It grabbed hold of my soul and shook it, slowly at first, but growing increasingly stronger. It was as if the judgment of God manifested itself in me and wouldn’t let go until I knew.

  That’s when I realized I was gone, in a full-blown seizure. Every inch of me was seizing, and nothing—not an inch of me—was mine. Not a single atom of my body was in my control, and the Fear of God crept out of my soul and into my whole being. The whole bed shook as my body created a fever pitch of unrelenting spasms that were merciless. The Lord began to take hold.

  I tore into spastic fits that could be mistaken for a fucking earthquake. I knew the Lord was visiting me, and I looked around the room, wondering what to do. There was nothing I could do. Absolutely nothing, as in life and in death. All we can do is go with the flow, whether up or down, side to side, or Heaven or Hell. We are nothing but actual amoebas that are tossed and thrown away in our deaths. We have no say in the matters of our afterlife.

  The popcorn ceiling began dripping towards the floor. All my acid trips made the popcorn move like a wave on the ocean, but it had never dripped to the carpet. Thousands of nodules from the ceiling stretched and seeped in an amazing display of profundity that overtook me as my Lord moved closer to me.

  But it wasn’t done in a loving way. This was a Fear of God that seemed to say I was a fucked-up human being who should never have dared to try to find Him.

  I was finally getting a taste of—or even an actual nod from—the Lord, that he took my search and my quest as an actual desperate plea for His knowledge, His forgiveness, and an answer for life that I needed. I was willing to die for Him, in exchange for finding out what is actually real, in His eyes.

  Otherwise, I don’t think He would have given me an audience.

  This was between me and the Principalities and The Lord. The room spun, and I was tossing to and fro. I had never experienced anything like this, and I pray I never will again.

  I crawled out of bed, still in a full-blown
seizure. I knew in my soul that I needed one thing and one thing only. The brand new Bible I had bought was sitting in the living room. It had never been opened or read.

  Something inside told me I needed it. Whether it was my soul, The Lord, or even my personal angels. I knew I needed it. I stood up, my legs shaking and my body trembling in a full-blown fit. I staggered out of the room, trying desperately to find my Book.

  If you have never been in a full-blown seizure, this is how it can be best expressed: Your body is not your own. You want to control part of your body—say, a muscle or a ligament—but you can’t. There’s nothing you can do to stop your body from malfunctioning. Your mind is locked within your body, and you’re dealing with a breakdown between mind and body. While your thoughts and feelings race inside you, your body is at a total loss. You lose all hope.

  I could barely walk, but I managed to make it to my living room, looking for my Bible. It was on the coffee table, where I’d left it. I grabbed it without thinking twice, and I began to struggle back to my bed.

  All my muscles still working against me, I flopped down on my bed like a fish out of water, shaking and spazzing uncontrollably. I laid there, begging God for relief and for the knowledge I’d been searching for this whole time. I wanted a deep connection with my God, to make life right and to please him in everything I did.

  As my body flailed and shook, my mind was either given an idea or came up with it independently: Let the Bible open up, by itself, of its own accord.

  I let my new Bible open up for me.

  My spasms began to subside as the book opened. I held it in front of me, and my body became its old self again. The seizure stopped, and I looked at the Bible, and there it was:

  It was opened to the Ten Commandments. I was amazed and in total awe as the Lord showed me exactly what I needed to hear from him.

  I began to feel a calming effect and a peace I had never felt before in my life. I felt it in my soul and knew what I had to do. So I began to read the words of the Ten Commandments and take them to heart.

  I read those words in less than five minutes, and I closed the Holy Book and felt good for myself.

  That’s when the world began to shake again, and I began to spasm and seize, harder than before. I clutched the Bible and figured I mustn’t have taken the Commandments to heart.

  Perhaps I didn’t think about them hard enough, covering my whole life, reviewing what I have done to break them all in every minute and every moment of my life.

  So I opened it with my hands holding the back and front covers, letting it truly open to where it may, letting the Holy Bible guide me towards what I needed to know. It opened back up to the Ten Commandments.

  The Bible had never been read before this, so it had neither earmarks nor a single creased page. I was seizing and spazzing, and knew I was in God’s realm.

  The spasms died down, and my body became my own again as I re-read the Ten Commandments. This time, as every Commandment was read, I looked through my life and realized how I had broken them all.

  I took each Commandment as directed specifically towards me. I thought about them. And I asked for the forgiveness of each sin I’d committed against God.

  My body was my own again, but I also found a peace I have never known before. There I was in front of The Lord, who had shown Himself to me. Not because I was a sinner, not because I was Holy, but because He knew I needed Him.

  Yes, I had used drugs in my quest, but not this time. I was as straight as a lamb. I think He took pity on me because I was surrounded by evil in its many guises and still looked up to Him while all of those around me didn’t want anything to do with Him! This is a quote from my Bible that I know in my heart of hearts had an actual bearing on my journey!

  Matthew 7 :7-12. “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.”

  The door was finally opened, and I came to the last of the Commandments, with my very life hanging in the balance. I finished the sins of my life up until that point, and I exhaled my deepest sigh of relief. I closed the book and laid it on my chest and began to breathe the breath of the saved.

  My room slowly whitened, and I felt my body tremble again. I cried aloud, “Lord, please stop! What am I supposed to do now?”

  I could feel It, His presence. He told me to let the Bible open by itself again. Trembling, I let it open up.

  It opened to Proverbs, and thus was The Beginning of Knowledge by starting with the Fear of the Lord. I read Proverbs as if the Lord was actually talking to me from within. I was no longer trembling, and I finally learned what the Lord wanted me to know. I read and I read some more until I was at a place I knew I should stop. So I did. I laid the Bible on my chest because I felt something else.

  My heart began to beat again, and I felt the forgiveness of the Lord. But my spirit began to quicken. My body began to shift as I began the next leg of my journey.

  I wasn’t prepared for this. I didn’t need to know what was on the other side any longer. But my body tensed up and my eyes began to roll into the back of my head as the Lord began to push me beyond the realms of reality into something no man is ever ready for.

  No man wants to see the inner workings of the Lord, much less this. I didn’t know why I was being thrust down there. I knew I had been begging for it, but just because I had doesn’t mean I was ready.

  I could feel it well up and push me down. I began to fight it, but you can’t fight what the Lord wants you to see; you’re going to see it.

  My body quivered and shook as darkness enveloped me. The bed began to spread its mattress around me, and darkness coated the other side. I prayed to the Lord. My body began to fall to a depth I couldn’t fathom.

  I felt myself falling at the terminal velocity of death. I dropped like a bullet being shot out of a gun, leaving this earth and heading towards something I never wanted to see. My free fall had a purpose, and it took me straight to Hell.

  THE FALL INTO HELL, DEMONIC DRUGS AND THE MOUNTAINS OF GREED

  I fell into utter blackness.

  I’m not talking about the blackness that occurs when you close your eyes and you see light on the other side of your eyelids or even closing your eyes and seeing what seems like electricity. I’m talking about complete and absolute darkness that swept over me like a plague. Nothing encased in nothingness is the only way I can explain it.

  I gained momentum as I fell, desperately wanting to hit rock bottom. Time and space had no meaning during the fall. I lost everything and was just pure experience. There was nothing left of my personality. It was just pure terror and utter fear of meeting my own damnation that I had brought onto myself. That’s when I hit.

  I slammed to the ground and immediately felt like a prisoner encased in Hell, which is exactly where I was and what I was. I landed face first, and I laid there for a second until a cacophony began ringing all around me. It wasn’t like what you would expect of Hell; it was more of a pulsation, a constant sound and energy that emanated from everything.

  I’m going to try to explain every detail I experienced in a way that you can understand it. So you can feel it and actually picture it within your mind’s eye. This sound or energy was all purveying and drenched everything in its nature.

  When you take a hit of pot (or take drugs, or pills, or even drink), you get a “buzz”, or you “alter your mindset.” The buzz you get from altering your mind on Earth, while still alive, is totally different than the feeling or “buzz” you feel in Hell.

  The buzz you get on pot is nice and high, almost like a really high keynote on the musical scale. Alcohol is a little lower, a couple octaves below the pot high. But the cocaine buzz is a couple octaves higher than the pot high, but it moves up and down, like a sliding scale while you’re on it. Nitrous Oxide is a lot higher in the scale than pot, and that’s why it can knock you out—a matter o
f how the internal pitch of the drug interacts with your brain.

  The mind-altering substances that produce a sound may change slightly and waver some, but mostly they stay the same frequency until you come down. I know about the mind’s internal audio signals; they will alter your perception (writing this may get someone to actually document it).

  I’m giving you this example so you can truly understand the pounding awfulness of the sound inside one’s mind when in Hell. It was the lowest key in the scale, and it flowed into itself and through you like a divining rod that knew and spoke to you in terror.

  I had only laid there for three seconds when the energy of Hell engulfed me. It felt like an eternity as I tried to regain my senses. I opened my eyes and saw myself lying on the hard unrepentant ground. No bushes, plants or trees; it seemed like a marble surface that spread everywhere.

  I suddenly heard the voices of two creatures. One screamed, “There’s another one! Grab him!”

  I was tackled even though already down. They flipped me over so I was facing what should have been the sky but wasn’t; there was just emptiness. The two men were reptilian in nature, and they were screaming in my face as if I were the last person on earth.

  “You need to take this! You need some of this!”

  The first reptilian demonoid spat in my face with the contempt and disgust of what he was actually doing. The second demon stuck his face into my own and screamed, “You fucking have to do this!”

  Their knees pressed onto my chest as they—still screaming—pulled out huge hypodermic needles. I was desperate to scream but had no voice. It was lost, just as I lost my fear in the fall. I was ready to accept everything that happened to me. I accepted my fate and was ready for the Damnation of Hell.

  I saw a disgusting green fluid oozing from the hypodermics, and then I noticed the needle had barbs on it. I tried to struggle, but acknowledgment of your place in Hell tends to make a soul accept what it thinks it deserves.