The Big Fang Theory (Magic Market Mysteries Book 8)

by Erin Johnson

  Prince Harry lifted both palms and looked between Will and Heidi. “Thank you both for such… er… enthusiastic welcomes, but please, no more curtsying or bowing—we don’t need any special treatment.”

  Iggy, the little flame, scoffed. “Speak for yourself.”

  “Everyone’s alright, though?”

  Heidi grinned and nodded. “Yeah, these dudes showed up at the door and tried to bang their way in, but your landlady turned into a dragon, and she breathed fire and everything!” She bounced the sloth on her hip and patted its back. “It was insane!” She grinned as I blew out a breath of relief. “We booked it down your fire escape and got here about an hour ago.”

  I nodded, my stomach still tight at the thought of what might have happened if Mrs. Kim hadn’t saved the day. Never thought I’d be thinking those words about my scary landlady.

  I told Will and Heidi how Madeline had gotten me into the palace and that I’d explained the whole situation to the royals.

  The princess beamed. “We’re here to help! Hank and I can change into animals and Francis into a bat, of course.”

  Will blinked at the princess, still apparently stunned to have royalty in his clinic. “Of course.”

  Princess Imogen set Iggy’s lantern on the coffee table littered with old magazines. She settled into a hard chair beside the kangaroo. They looked at each other, then the princess turned back to Will and Heidi.

  “We’re going to sneak down into Ludolf’s lair with Jolene—in disguise.” Her eyes shone—she was looking forward to this. “Then we’re going to help her steal the files for all these shifters.” She gestured at the flapping, hopping, and napping animals around the room.

  Prince Harry nodded, his eyes darting to the baby alligator at his feet. “Mm-hmm… and then the palace healers should be able to brew up cures, once we know what ingredients originally went into the curses.”

  Will nodded. “Sure, sure.” He looked to me, his lip curled back in a snarl. “And everyone thinks that taking the prince and princess and a celebrity vampire into Ludolf’s lair is a good idea, hm?”

  I lowered my voice to a whisper and rested my only slightly throbbing foot on the bottom rung of the stool. “It’s obviously a horrible idea, but it wasn’t mine. They volunteered, okay?”

  “Oh!” Will threw his hands up and took on a mocking tone. “Well, if their highnesses volunteered to go on a suicide mission, then we should definitely let them.”

  I glared at him.

  “Is this what we sound like?” Iggy used a little flame arm to gesture between himself and the princess.

  Wiley shrugged. “Kinda.”

  The princess and her flame flashed their eyes at each other. “Yikes.”

  Heidi giggled. “If you think that’s bad, you should see Jolene and Daisy.” She turned to Maple and said as an aside, “That’s her boyfriend’s police dog.”

  The two of them stood together. I followed Maple’s gaze upward and jerked, startled.

  Will let out a strangled cry. “Gah!”

  18

  PARTING WAYS

  Cat hung upside down from the light in the center of the ceiling, his bat wings extended and trembling. He craned his upside down head this way and that, his dark, globular eyes reflecting the room. He grinned broadly, all his sharp teeth bared.

  Will threw himself against my side, cringing. “What in the shell is that?!”

  The parrot and the bat flapped around Cat in a circle, over and over again, while a small group of animals gathered on the coffee table, straining to reach the monster, their eyes blank and mouths agape.

  Heidi bounced on her toes. “They’re sooo cute, they love him.”

  I leaned closer to Will, our eyes still glued to Cat and its group of worshippers. “From what I gather, it’s a mind control monster.”

  I slid my gaze to Will and found him staring at me. “Oh! Is that all?”

  I flashed my eyes at him and leaned close, barely breathing my words. “And I thought we were an odd bunch.”

  “I heard that.”

  Will and I jerked our heads up to find Francis the vampire staring at us and sitting on his girlfriend Rhonda’s lap. Well—almost. He hovered right above it.

  Francis lifted one perfectly sculpted brow. “Vampire hearing.” He then leveled us with a look so cold, goose bumps prickled my skin.

  I pressed my lips tight together, my stomach clenched. He wouldn’t eat me in front of all these people… would he?

  Then he threw his head back and chuckled with his deep voice, Rhonda cackling along with him. She pointed. “You should’ve seen your faces.”

  Francis pressed a long, pale hand to his middle as he laughed. Rhonda suddenly sobered and sniffed. “But in all seriousness, we should move all these shifters out of here and into the palace before the gangsters show up, yes?”

  Heidi hugged the sloth tighter to her side. “You—you’re here to take the shifters?” She gazed into the sloth’s shiny black eyes.

  “You’re both coming with us though, aren’t you?” Maple looked from Heidi to Will.

  Prince Harry nodded his agreement. “You must come stay at the palace.”

  Will held very still for a long moment. I could almost hear him telling himself to play it cool. “Well… if you insist.”

  I smirked. Will had grown up in the lap of luxury, and I knew he missed his silk sheets and fancy imported soaps. He was probably doing a happy dance on the inside at getting to stay at the palace.

  Prince Harry shook his head. “From what I saw of Jolene’s apartment, I don’t think you’ll be safe anywhere but the palace. At least until this Ludolf fellow is behind bars.”

  Francis rose, hovering above the linoleum, and Rhonda stood after him. “I heartily agree.”

  The princess put a hand on her hip. “I thought you got a vision that we could, quote, ‘trust Ludolf’?”

  Rhonda shrugged, her brows raised. “I don’t decide the messages, I just receive them.” She put a hand to the side of her mouth and spoke in a stage whisper. “But if you ask me, I’m not sure the spirits have got the right information in this instance.”

  Maple nodded and beckoned Cat back into her arms. As soon as he flapped over to her, the other animals seemed to snap out of their trances. “Rhonda, Iggy, Wiley, Cat, and I will escort everyone back up to the palace.” She pressed her lips together and leveled Princess Imogen with a serious look, a little crease appearing between her brows. “Please be careful down there.”

  The princess gave her a soft smile. “We will.” She shrugged it off. “We’ve got Francis with us. What could go wrong?”

  Maple made an unconvinced noise.

  Will clamped a beefy hand on my shoulder and spun me to face him. He shook his index finger at me, inches from my face. “If you die down there, I’ll kill you.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Gee. I didn’t know you cared.” Even though I glared at him for a moment, my expression softened, as did his. “I love you, buddy.”

  He held up his palm. “Don’t! No goodbye speeches.”

  I smirked. “Fine. But if I—”

  He flashed me a warning look, his bushy brows lifted.

  I took a breath and started over. “If I…” I searched for a way to avoid saying ‘never come back.’ “If I decide to go on vacation and never return…”

  Will looked prim but allowed me to go on.

  “…please tell Peter that I love him and to make sure to buy Daisy some plain bone broth next time he gets ramen—it’s her favorite.”

  After I spoke with each of the trapped shifters and told them the plan to get them up to the palace, we headed into the night. In the alley, before parting ways, Will pulled me and Heidi into a group hug.

  “Be safe.” I pointed at them.

  Will kept his arm around Heidi, who still carried the sloth, as they moved up the mountain toward the palace. “You, too, Jolene.”

  Princess Imogen, Prince Harry, and Francis and I headed downhill toward t
he sewer grate that led to the secret shifter underground.

  19

  THE LAIR

  We tromped through the sewers, our feet splashing in the few inches of murky water at the bottom of the tunnels. Rats scurried along the edges, clinging to a narrow, raised ledge.

  “Can you understand what they’re saying?” It was odd to hear the princess’s chipper tone come out of Viktor’s mouth, his gold teeth glinting in the flickering torch light. While the prince and princess had never seen my old pal Neo and his subordinate, the wiry, tattooed Viktor, I’d described them well enough that with enough tweaks, they’d both convincingly transformed themselves into the two.

  I listened to the rodents for a moment, then turned to the princess/Viktor. “One rat’s bragging about his kids to another—says they have the biggest front teeth he’s ever seen.”

  The princess/Viktor smirked. “Cute.” Usually, Viktor was twitching and giggling uncontrollably. It was unnerving to see the princess embodying him, so calm and upbeat.

  Princess Imogen and Prince Harry had explained that with their specialized swallow magic, they drew energy from other people, objects, or elements of nature and could therefore fuel more powerful spells than other magic folk, who drew their powers from within. This allowed them to use magic to convincingly disguise themselves as other people. I couldn’t fuel any spells, having lost my powers to the curse Ludolf had tested on me years ago, so I was impressed—and grateful to have them on my side.

  I snuck a glance to my right at Prince Harry, who looked almost identical to Neo with his slicked-back hair and even slicker clothes. Grateful, but still kinda weirded out. Francis winged near the top of the stone tunnel in bat form, just so he wouldn’t be recognized.

  So far, all our efforts to disguise the royal group had been overkill—we hadn’t run into anyone but the rats. Still, I listened hard for any sounds of footsteps, my stomach tight with worry. I’d barely made it out of here alive on my last visit. Now that Ludolf was even less pleased with me, evidenced by his little redecorating job at my apartment, I wasn’t eager for another encounter with the ol’ mob boss.

  We followed the twists and turns of the sewers, the tunnels growing so narrow that we had to fall into a single line. The prince/Neo had to duck through some parts, the walls and ceiling crumbling around us. I spotted a red glow up ahead, flickering off the rough stone walls, and slowed to a stop. I turned to the prince/Neo.

  “That’s it, up ahead. You’d better lead the way. Remember our story?”

  The prince/Neo nodded. “We caught you and are bringing you down here for Ludolf to test more potions on.”

  The princess/Viktor held up a finger with a tiny skull tattooed above the knuckle. “And he also asked us to collect some records for him.”

  I nodded. “Good.” I glanced up at where Francis circled overhead. “Francis, you’re backup in case we run into any trouble.” Sea goddess below, I hoped we didn’t run into any trouble.

  Prince Harry/Neo led the way, ducking through a half-collapsed doorway into the large, round potions room. I followed, with Princess Imogen/Viktor behind me. The space glowed with the red light of the fire in the giant hearth, which heated a cauldron of sizzling orange liquid.

  One of the three hunched old witches stirred a paddle around in it. The other two witches, who I guessed to be her sisters, since they looked identical with their white hair and crooked backs, worked at a tall table littered with animal feet, bottles of potions, and various beakers and spell books. They barely looked up, which I found more unsettling than if they’d grilled us.

  “Uh.” Prince Harry/Neo brought a fist to his mouth and cleared his throat. “We’re, uh, here because Ludolf—”

  “Mr. Caterwaul.” Princess Imogen/Viktor corrected. She seemed to suddenly remember my coaching from earlier about Viktor’s mannerisms and began jerking wildly, as if having some kind of medical emergency.

  Oh, this was not going well. Iggy’s words floated back into my head. He’d been teasing her about her “absolute zero chill,” as he put it, and inability to play it cool in tense situations. Snakes, he hadn’t been kidding at all.

  I stepped forward. “Bunch of detritus, if you ask me.” I crossed my arms and shot the prince/Neo a challenging look. “But whatever—bring it on. What’s one more potion?”

  I rolled my eyes, trying to act as snarky as I always did, then subtly jerked my chin to the large wooden cabinet at the far side of the room. It sat beside a second entrance—one I’d seen Ludolf enter through before. Icy fear ran through me—if the witches called our bluff and summoned him, we’d be done for.

  The prince/Neo followed my gaze and gave me a slight nod back. He turned to the princess/Viktor, who was still flinging her arms and legs in every direction. An A for effort, but a massive fail in execution. “C’mon, Im—I mean, Viktor.”

  I pressed my eyes shut, trying hard not to lose my cool. They were helping me, I reminded myself—or at least trying to. But these royals clearly had no street smarts.

  When I opened my eyes, the prince and princess in disguise were threading their way between the tables toward the cabinet full of records. I glanced behind me. Francis hung, in bat form, upside down from a rusted pipe in the tunnel, his dark eyes watching intently.

  I felt slightly better remembering that we had the vampire on our side, though I wondered how effective he’d be if Ludolf discovered us and sicced the entire shifter underground on us.

  The prince and princess stood in front of the cabinet and held their hands up, their lips moving as they no doubt muttered spells. While the real Neo and Viktor used wands, the prince and princess didn’t need them. Princess Imogen/Viktor consulted the parchment I’d given her with the names of all the trapped shifters on them.

  Blue light radiated from their hands, growing brighter. The wooden cabinet had a few wide, deep drawers in the bottom. One flew open, several manila file folders floating out and hovering beside the prince. Several more rolled scrolls flew from the lattice of cubbies stacked on top of the drawers.

  Good. It was working. Once we had the files and the notes about which potions and curses had been used to trap the shifters in animal form, the royal healers could reverse engineer cures for them. We just had to make it out of here first.

  The stack of files and parchment piled up, magically hovering beside the prince and princess. I bit my lip and bounced my leg. The three hunched witches didn’t look up, but a strange, quiet noise began to fill the space. Oh, no. This had happened once before. The witches gradually hummed louder and louder. The last time they’d done this, it had summoned Ludolf.

  I tried to catch the prince’s and princess’s eyes. I cleared my throat, and when Prince Harry/Neo looked my way, I flashed my eyes at him, then spoke loudly, as if to the witches. “You ladies don’t have to summon Ludolf—I’m sure he’s already on his way.”

  The one by the fire glanced my way and sneered between stringy locks of her white hair. Their humming grew louder, the song some strange, eerie melody I’d never heard before. Soon their voices were echoing off the round stone walls.

  “Should we, uh—come back another time?” The princess/Viktor asked. For good measure, she yanked her shoulder up toward her ear so hard, she winced and rubbed her neck after. I pinched the bridge of my nose and then waved them toward me.

  “Yeah, I think we’d better.”

  One of the witches at the tall table looked up, a bloody dagger in one hand and what appeared to be a dead rat in the other. “You’re not going anywhere.” Her voice came out raspy, as though she hadn’t spoken in years. I half expected moths to flutter out of her mouth.

  I bit the inside of my cheek and jiggled my leg. We needed to hurry.

  And then, as the prince and princess rushed toward me, skirting along the curved stone walls, the files magically hovering in tow, Ludolf himself stepped through the second entrance by the records cabinet. My breath caught. Oh, snakes.

  20

  VILLA
INS

  I expected Ludolf to show surprise and anger, but he merely glanced around the room, his eyes half closed as though he was bored or about to yawn. “What’s all this racket about?”

  The three witches looked his way, frowning. The one by the cauldron cocked her head, as though confused. “Master? We thought you’d wish to be alerted that the—”

  He stepped into the room, his skeletal frame casting a long, flickering shadow in the firelight. “That the subordinates I summoned are doing my bidding?” He glared at the three women. “And?” His voice came out deadly quiet.

  What was happening? My heart hammered in my chest. Had Ludolf actually sent for me and thought that this was all according to plan? Had he not noticed the dozens of files we were about to abscond with?

  The prince and princess rejoined me. The prince/Neo looked as wide-eyed and frightened as I was, but the princess/Viktor had an odd smirk on her face.

  The witch by the fire bent her head. “I’m sorry, master. We—we were wrong.”

  “Hmph.” Ludolf strode toward us, his bony shoulders hunched into his ears, his hands stuck in the pockets of his suit trousers. “I’ll deal with you all later. See that you don’t disturb me unnecessarily again.”

  I shivered as he drew closer, wishing I had my magic to defend myself with. I reminded myself that I was with two powerful swallows and a vampire. I squared my shoulders and thought of Peter and Daisy and our quiet nights curled up on the sofa together. I just wanted to be there, right now, not about to have a showdown with Ludolf.

  Princess Imogen/Viktor leaned close, Viktor’s high, weaselly voice coming out of her mouth. “Remember Rhonda’s vision.”

  I frowned. The insane vision where the seer had claimed we could trust Ludolf?

  But as the mob boss approached, he blinked slowly, lazily. He didn’t radiate the same intense, terrifying energy he usually did. He still felt massively powerful—just not quite as menacing. I blinked, confused.