Blind Vigil

by Matt Coyle

  “Rick! Oh my God! What happened to you?”

  Arms around my neck. Lips against mine. Tender, careful of my latest injury. A wet nose snuffled my hand. Midnight. Home. With my family. I melted into Leah’s arms. She walked me over to the couch with Midnight prancing at my side and I sat down.

  “What happened to your face?”

  “I’ll tell you in a minute. I want to breathe you in first.” I pulled her down into my lap and her lips met mine again. We embraced, tight and warm. Silence. Time stopped. The last week faded away.

  Leah finally rose from my lap and time started up again.

  “We have to get some ice on your nose. Right away.” Her slim outline rushed into the gray background of the kitchen.

  Leah. We’d been together for less than two weeks when I was shot. We weren’t even really a couple yet. Desperate circumstances forced us together and our relationship didn’t have a definition when Leah stopped her life to help me start my new one. I hadn’t seen her face in almost a year but I still saw her sunrise ocean blue eyes and warm blanket smile every night I closed my eyes in bed. Honey blond hair and square-chinned beauty. Smart, funny, and loving.

  A gift. I believed her when she told me she loved me, but I’d never know if we would have survived this long together if I hadn’t almost died.

  Midnight’s head pressed against my hand. I scratched him and heard the vacuum of the freezer door opening, the clank of ice cubes, then a splash of water from the faucet. Leah’s shadow came back to me and sat down on the couch.

  “Here.” Firm cold cloth placed gently against the bridge of my nose. Pain vibrated along my nose and under my eyes. “Lean your head back and hold the ice. I’m going to clean the blood off your face.”

  I did as told with the ice and felt a warm damp cloth wipe my face. She had to use some pressure to get the dried blood off.

  I used to keep ready-made pain-portioned bags of ice in my freezer when I was a private investigator. They came in handy every few months. After Santa Barbara and the loss of my vision, I thought all that was behind me.

  Leah cleaned me up, went back into the kitchen, and returned with a bottle of water.

  “Do you want me to take over on the ice?” A sweet upturn in her voice.

  “I’m good. Thanks.” I reached out my free hand, and she filled it with her own.

  Leah was the first woman I’d been able to love completely since Colleen died. A true partner who’d been forced to handle too much of the burden of everyday life over the last nine months, while I rehabilitated, drifted, and avoided making a decision on what to do with my new, different life. How would she react when I told her I’d finally decided the next stage was going to be the same as the last stage? The one that had gotten me shot and stolen my vision.

  Leah rested her head against my chest for the next ten or so minutes that I iced my nose. The pain numbed a bit, and I loaded up with 2,000 mg of Tylenol that she grabbed from the medicine cabinet.

  “Maybe we should go to the emergency room?” She moved her head close to my face like she was examining me.

  “Let’s give it a day or two.” I tried to inhale through my nose. A sliver of air twisted through my left nostril. Nothing through the right. I’d had my nose broken before. Sometimes all it takes to mend is ice and time. “If it’s not better by then, I’ll go to a doctor.”

  “Okay. I guess.” She leaned back against the couch; her face still pointed at me. “Now, tell me what happened.”

  That would be tough to do, but I couldn’t lie to her like I did to the police. She already knew about Shay’s murder from an earlier phone call. I told her about Turk’s kick to my face and his arrest.

  “Turk did that to you?” She pulled away from the sofa back and sat erect.

  “He was trying to get away from the police. He panicked. I don’t blame him. Your freedom taken away is a scary thing. Especially when you’re innocent.”

  “When you’re innocent.” Her voice flat as a concrete slab.

  “What do you mean by that?”

  “I talked to Moira yesterday.” Another discussion that I didn’t know about.

  “Okay.”

  “She thinks Turk could have killed Shay in a fit of rage.” Delicately stepping over each word.

  Shit. The two most important women in my life, the two most important people in my life, thought Turk was guilty.

  “He’d never do that.” The throbbing in my nose, a stark counterpoint to my statement.

  “Rick, you’re a fiercely loyal man. That’s one of the reasons I love you.” She took my hand in both of hers and held it to her chest. “We both know the police are wrong sometimes, but most of the time they’re right. They wouldn’t arrest someone without compelling evidence. Let the system take its course.” The cop DNA that bled through her father, brother, and sister ran through Leah’s veins.

  “I know Turk. I know in my gut he’d never kill the woman he loved.” I also knew people did it all the time.

  “Your gut has been wrong before.” Flat and sad at the same time.

  I got off the couch and walked into the kitchen. No cane needed, no steps counting off in my head.

  “I’m sorry.” I heard the release of the couch and footsteps coming toward me.

  My gut had been wrong before. But it wasn’t now. Not about the man who’d saved my life. It couldn’t be.

  “Don’t apologize for speaking the truth.” I walked to the refrigerator and pulled out a beer. I’d cut back on my drinking after I went blind. Getting from one place to another was difficult enough when you couldn’t see. Stacking loss of equilibrium and clear thought on top was the kind of stupid I knew to avoid. Today I needed a beer.

  “I just don’t want you to get hurt.” Leah.

  “We’re not going to agree on this so let’s not argue about it and spoil your homecoming.”

  I took a sip of beer and walked to the butcher block island in the middle of the kitchen and sat down on a wooden stool. The sun glowed in from the kitchen windows and put the island’s outline in relief from the golden background. Color I could actually see.

  “Why didn’t you tell me last night that you were coming home today?” I asked.

  We talked every night on the phone while she was in Santa Barbara. My daily dose of tranquility during the turmoil of the last week. When I told her about Shay’s murder, I left out the part about Turk being the prime suspect. I didn’t want her to worry about my involvement and I needed the respite. A quiet reminder of my calm life with Leah the last nine months.

  Apparently, I hadn’t been the only one holding back pieces of the truth.

  “I wanted to surprise you.” Leah sat across from me and put a hand on my arm.

  “You did. It’s a nice surprise.” I took her hand in mine. “How long before you have to go back up?”

  Silence that sucked the air in the room into a vacuum. Whatever she said next wasn’t going to be good news.

  “That’s why I came back down today.” Hesitant. Uh-oh.

  “I say back up. You say back down. Which is it? I thought San Diego was your home now.”

  “That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.” Her voice lifted with joy. “I think I’ve found a solution for both of us.”

  “O-kay.” Life in the dark void had made me more reliant upon people, but even more protective of the insulated world I had left. I selfishly clamped onto it and didn’t want to let it go.

  “I discovered this nonprofit called DefenseAble and—”

  “Defensible?”

  “No. Defense and Able together. DefenseAble. They teach self-defense to people with physical disabilities.” Real enthusiasm in her voice. And a hint of desperation. “I talked to them about you and they already knew your story. They’d love to have you come work for them. It would be a great opportunity for you. You’d be able to help people. I know that’s why you became a cop and a private investigator. This would give you a chance to make a tremendous impact on pe
ople’s lives who really need it.”

  “And I’m guessing this is in Santa Barbara?” My voice was less enthusiastic than Leah’s.

  “Yes. People up there think you’re a hero.”

  Anti-hero to hero in fifteen short years. But hero or anti-hero didn’t really matter to me. San Diego was my home. And where I was needed.

  “I’m in the middle of Turk’s case right now.” Not officially, but I was all in.

  “You don’t have to make a decision right this minute. But the job is there if you want it. All you have to do is meet with Mike Higginbotham at DefenseAble in Santa Barbara.”

  “What’s the job?”

  “You’d be kind of an ambassador for them. Meet with people and help advance DefenseAble’s cause.”

  “You mean I’d be a fundraiser?”

  Or a figurehead. The job I was suddenly most capable of doing whether it be for Turk Muldoon’s defense or people trying to help the disabled. I was a symbol. An icon. An emoji. A representation of what was supposed to be. Instead of what was.

  “Not really.” Flustered. “That might be just a part of it. Why don’t you talk to Mike and find out? He really wants to meet with you.”

  “I doubt he’ll be willing to wait a year or more, because that’s probably how long it will be before Turk goes to trial.”

  “He might. You should talk to him and find out.” Zero inflection. I’d drained the enthusiasm out of her. She took a deep breath. “I just signed a contract to finish a 20,000 square foot home in Montecito.”

  “That’s fantastic!”

  “Thanks. This is the job that will change my business. I can’t be a one-woman shop anymore. I’m interviewing people for two associate design positions and an assistant.” Something was missing from Leah’s voice. Joy. “I have to drive back home tomorrow. This job will take all of my time and focus for the next six to eight months, at least. I’ll be living full-time in Santa Barbara.”

  CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO

  SANTA BARBARA. THE home for Leah that San Diego now could never be. A hole concaved my chest and sank into my stomach. The discordant, yet happy little life I’d greedily clung to was over. If I wanted to grab hold of what remained of it, I’d have to move to Santa Barbara. Shouldn’t be a hard choice. The woman I loved lived there. A ready-made new life was waiting for me.

  All I had left in San Diego was responsibility.

  I didn’t say anything.

  “Let’s get a fresh start in Santa Barbara. Where we fell in love.” Leah’s lips pressed against my cheek. “You know I love Midnight and he liked my house and my yard. As long as he’s with you, he’ll be happy. This is a chance of a lifetime for me and a chance for you to start your new life.”

  “My life is here.” My voice, a hollow echo.

  “It doesn’t have to be.” A wavering thread of optimism clung to her voice. “I understand that you want to be here for Turk. We don’t have to decide anything right now. Let’s drive up to Santa Barbara tomorrow. You, me, and Midnight. I have to interview potential assistants all day tomorrow and Thursday, but Friday and the weekend, I’m yours. Maybe you could talk to Mike at DefenseAble while I’m interviewing people. I know he’s really excited to meet you.”

  Arms around my neck and another kiss on the cheek.

  “Turk’s arraignment is tomorrow. I have to be there.”

  “We can leave after the arraignment.” Her grip around my neck loosened. “If you really think you have to be there, I can push my interviews back a few hours.”

  “I want to be there. I can’t go up to Santa Barbara with you tomorrow. I’m sorry.”

  “I understand your wanting to be at the arraignment to show support for Turk. And I know you have to be here every day for the trial.” Her arms released from my neck. “But what are you going to do between now and then?”

  “I’m going to help with his defense.”

  “How?” No derision in her voice. Leah didn’t mean it as an insult. She genuinely didn’t understand how I could aid the defense investigation. I was blind, not yet DefenseAble.

  “Elk Fenton wants me to be by his side at every press conference.” I realized as soon as I spoke the words that they didn’t give credence to my belief I was vital to Turk’s defense. My only contribution was as a figurehead.

  “He’s not going to give a press conference every day or even every week. You can come down to San Diego when Elk needs you and then stay during the trial. I’m sure you could work something out with Mike Higginbotham if you take the job.” Another long exhale. “Why are you making excuses not to come with me to Santa Barbara to at least hear what he has to say?”

  “I don’t want to be the sun-glassed face for DefenseAble. A symbol they prop up at a podium whenever they’re on a fundraising drive. And even if I did, they wouldn’t want their figurehead to be seen in court supporting an accused murderer. The kind of person their service was supposed to protect against.” I couldn’t tell her that I didn’t want to live in Santa Barbara. That it would always be the place where Colleen was murdered. “I know you’re trying to help, but that kind of job is not for me. I’m not exactly a people person.”

  “Can’t you at least talk to Mike?” Desperate. “I’m sure the job is more than that. Whatever it is, it will be a new challenge. Something you may grow to love.”

  “I love you, Leah.” My throat tightened. “I know the last year hasn’t been fair to you. That I’ve been drifting and not doing my part while you tried to juggle living in two cities. You have to pursue your dreams in Santa Barbara. I want you to be happy. But in all the time I’ve been drifting, I missed the one thing that gave my life meaning. And I finally found it again.”

  “What?” Anxious.

  “Pursuing the truth.”

  “What the hell does that mean?” The outline of her arms rose, like her palms were open in front of her chest.

  “Helping people who have no other place to go. Working as a private investigator.”

  “Does Turk have nowhere else to go?” Her voice rising. “Are there no other investigators in San Diego who can help in his defense?”

  “This is what I need to do.”

  “But how much can you really help? You can’t drive. You can’t see.” Hard truth.

  “Elk Fenton thinks I can help with Turk’s defense.”

  “Doing what? Standing next to an accused killer while his lawyer lies to the press? The kind of symbol you don’t want to be for a nonprofit that actually helps people? Innocent people.” Grit in Leah’s voice. “Moira sent me a link to the press conference in front of police headquarters. Fenton and Turk are using you. You think either one of them cares about your well-being? About what this job has done to you? Turk doesn’t. He broke your nose trying to run away from the police when you tried to keep him from getting shot. Is that what an innocent person does? Is that what a friend does?”

  “Nobody knows how they’ll react to facing the possibility of living the rest of their life behind bars until the police knock on their door. I know. I’ve been through it. I thought about running when my time came.”

  “But you didn’t run because you were innocent. Only guilty people run.”

  “That’s not true.” But I knew it was ninety-nine percent of the time. I’d convinced myself Turk was in that rare one percent.

  “I know you, Rick. You can’t just be an impartial investigator taking direction from some lawyer or client on a case. You have to follow the facts wherever they take you, even if that puts you in danger.” Frantic now. Her voice pleading. “You lost your eyesight because you wouldn’t wait for the police to catch up with you on the bastard who killed my sister. You don’t have a badge. You can’t even see. This job almost killed you when you were completely physically capable. What’s it going to do to you now that you’re disabled?”

  There it was. Disabled.

  “I can’t live cushioned in a bubble-wrapped world.” I looked at the rounded outline of Leah’s face. She lifte
d her arm up to it. To wipe a tear away? I didn’t have comfort for her. Only the truth. “And my vision is starting to come back.”

  “What? You can see?” Joy blanketed in tears.

  “I can’t see objects, but I can see fuzzy outlines. I can see the yellow light of the sun coming through the outline of the kitchen windows, but I can’t make out the color of your clothes. I can’t see the beautiful features of your face, but I can see the outline of your head.”

  Arms around my neck pulled me to Leah’s face. Her cheek, wet with tears, pressed against mine. Her body convulsed in gasps.

  “I’ve prayed for this every day since you came out of the ICU.” Her face pulled away, then I felt wet lips pressed against the concave scar under my left eye. “At first I prayed for you just to survive. I didn’t care whether you could see or talk or even walk. I just wanted you to live. Once you got out of the ICU, I almost felt greedy to ask God to give you back your sight after he answered my prayers for you to live. But I asked him anyway and he’s still listening.”

  “I don’t know if I’ll ever get my full vision back. I saw my ophthalmologist a few weeks ago when I first noticed a slight change, and she did some tests and didn’t discern any change. She put it down to Charles Bonnet Syndrome. But it’s real. The outlines of things are becoming clearer every day. I haven’t gone back to Doctor Kim because I don’t want her to tell me I’m not seeing what I’m seeing and convince my brain to stop registering it. I don’t want scientific proof of what I can’t see.”

  We held each other until Midnight wedged himself in between us. Leah laughed and pressed her head against his, probably in a kiss.

  “You’re the best man I’ve ever known, Rick. And the most stubborn, the most infuriating, and the most dangerous.” Hands held each side of my face and Leah pushed her face close to mine. “But I don’t want to lose you. You’re my miracle. You should have died on my living room floor, but you didn’t. Your will to live and God saved you. He saved you for a reason. We can figure out Santa Barbara and San Diego. We can make this work. Don’t you want to try?”

  “Yes.” A tear ran down the edge of my broken nose.