All By Herself (A BWWM Pregnancy Romance Book 1)

by Tasha Blue

  The weeks following the break-up were the best since Zoë’s conception. Without Jakob around, the two could finally enjoy being Zoë’s parents without condemnation or sneaking around. They spent long days together at the park on Owen’s days off and her friend was there every evening to help her get Zoë ready for bed to give Anaya some support.

  Anaya loved those couple of hours each day when Owen was with her and she could pretend that they were a normal little family going through the bedtime routine. She could have watched Owen forever as he played peek-a-boo with his daughter with a wide smile and bright, loving eyes. Everything he did made it clear that he loved Zoë and that made Anaya love him all the more. He was so different from Jakob who was always criticizing and shirking his duties and being angry. Owen was constantly smiling and eager to help out and telling Anaya that she was doing an incredible job. His support and cheeriness filled her days and made her feel so content and whole. It was only when those evenings came to an end and he went to go to Lisa’s house that the reality of their situation came back to her and Anaya felt her heart plummet. Her worst fears had been realized. She was alone and Owen was with somebody else. It was her turn now to watch on from the sidelines as her best friend went through life with another person. She wondered if Owen had ever felt so hurt and dejected watching her with Jakob.

  Owen was forever thankful that Anaya had ended things with Jakob, but still had his concerns that somewhere along the lines she would get scared again and end up taking him back. He wished that he could drop everything and be with her, but he’d been with Lisa for almost a year now and he would be foolish to walk away from her to be with a woman who might only accept him because she was frightened. That wasn’t a good way to start a relationship, and it would only end in tears. He didn’t want to start a relationship with Anaya just because he felt she needed him and then find that somewhere down the line it all fell apart and Zoë would have to watch her parents go their separate ways.

  The decision was taken out of his hands one day when Lisa confronted him in her apartment one day when Owen had come by to pick her up for a movie date.

  “I was speaking to Sonia today,” she began with her hands on her hips and her eyes narrowed with suspicion. “She said that she saw you walking through town with some woman and a baby. It sounded like she was describing Anaya. She said that you were referring to yourself as ‘Dada.’ Owen, is there something you need to tell me?”

  Owen felt his heart sink and he sunk down guiltily onto her sofa. The moment had finally come when he could no longer pretend that he’d been working late and out running. He’d have to confess that he’d secretly been a daddy for quite some time.

  “I slept with Anaya once before we started dating,” he told his girlfriend truthfully. “It was a one night stand but Anaya got pregnant. She was with Jakob and I was with you and I don’t know why I didn’t tell you. I’m sorry.”

  “Is that it?” Lisa prompted furiously. “You’re sorry? You’ve been raising a child with another woman for God knows how long and you’re just sorry? What, did it slip your mind? Did you think I was just some dumb blonde who’d never find out?”

  “It wasn’t like that, Lisa.”

  “And now you’re out having long walks in the park with her and your baby and lying to me about it?” Lisa asked him. “How am I meant to feel about that, Owen?”

  “I know I should have told you. I’m sorry.”

  “You keep saying that, but I don’t understand how you could have kept this from me. We’ve been seeing each other for a year now. How long does it take to have a baby? Nine months. You’ve been lying to me all that time,” Lisa said tearfully. “I trusted you. I want you to leave now.”

  “Are you breaking up with me?” Owen asked her.

  “I’m telling you to get out,” Lisa repeated. “I need to think about this. I’ve got to try and understand why you felt you had to lie to me for so long. I don’t know that I can ever trust you now. You clearly have feelings for Anaya.”

  “Nothing has happened between us since we’ve been together,” Owen promised her.

  “Even if that’s true, Owen, an innocent man doesn’t keep secrets. If there was nothing to hide, you would have told me the truth,” she told him.

  “Would you have stayed with me if you know I had a baby on the way?” Owen asked her seriously. “I don’t think you would have.”

  “I would have liked the choice instead of finding out like this!” Lisa shouted back. “Leave Owen. Just get out.”

  Owen picked up his coat and left his apartment. He knew that he had screwed things up big time with Lisa, but in a way he was glad that it was at least all out in the open now. It wasn’t in his nature to be dishonest and he had struggled with lying to Lisa. He still didn’t know quite why he’d hidden Zoë from her for so long. The situation had just been so unexpected and tense that he’d not wanted to have to explain himself to her. It was done now. Everybody knew everything there was to know and all that was left to do was go on.

  Even though Owen was relieved that the truth was out, he still felt bad about hurting Lisa and fearful for the future. If Lisa was out of the picture and Anaya ended up with Jakob again, then Owen would be back to being the third wheel watching his baby be raised by Anaya and whomever she chose instead of him. All the same, it was Anaya he wanted to turn to for comfort when he was feeling guilty and ashamed over the way things had gone with Lisa. Anaya had lied to Jakob for a long time about seeing Owen during the pregnancy and after Zoë was born so he knew she’d understand why he had kept things hidden from Lisa.

  He drove straight to her apartment complex and knocked on her door. He felt better as soon as he saw her standing there with his baby daughter on her hip and her wild hair pulled up high into a ponytail. She smiled brightly when she saw him and Owen was glad that there was someone in the world who could still look that pleased to see him. He reached out to take Zoë from her and cooed over his daughter for a few minutes before looking up at Anaya with a guilty smile.

  “Can I come in?”

  “Sure,” Anaya welcomed him. Owen stepped into the apartment and returned Zoë to her crib. When she was safely playing with her stuffed animals he could finally turn to Anaya and confess what had happened with Lisa.

  “Oh, I’m so sorry Owen,” she said sincerely, her face creasing with sympathy when she heard about their fight. “Do you think that it’s over?”

  Owen shrugged morosely. “It’s hard to say. She was pretty angry.”

  “I suppose it looks bad,” Anaya agreed.

  “All I did was secretly have a child with another woman,” Owen attempted to joke.

  Anaya smiled and cast him an understanding gaze.

  “It’s been a stressful situation for all of us,” she empathized. “I can understand why you didn’t tell her. You didn’t want to scare her away.”

  Owen wished that he could tell Anaya the truth that he wasn’t concerned about scaring Lisa away, but about scaring Anaya away by being too available at a difficult time and tempting her into starting something she didn’t really want.

  “It’s not a good start to a new relationship,” he agreed.

  “You’ve always had a hard time meeting women,” Anaya said. “I thought she was really good for you. I’m sorry that it’s all blown up like this.”

  Anaya said the right things and consoled Owen the same way that he had consoled her a thousand times before. She had learned from his example not to go rushing in with proclamations of love when your friend was reeling from a breakup. There was no evidence to suggest that Owen felt anything for her other than affection as a friend and fondness for her as the mother of his daughter. To go in there now saying that she’d gladly take Lisa’s place and be with him would seem too desperate and the timing was just so wrong. She held her tongue and asked him if he wanted to watch a movie instead. Owen smiled and sat down.

  They began watching another romantic comedy, but neither were in the right
mind frame for the soppy love scenes and overblown romantic gestures. Owen rolled his eyes when the protagonist fell to pieces because her crush had taken another girl to the dance.

  “These are people with real problems,” he joked.

  Anaya laughed. “Oh God, I would love it if my biggest problem was not being invited to prom.”

  “I did invite you to prom,” Owen reminded her. “My high school had its prom the same night as yours and so you went with Michael Pearson instead. Remember?”

  “Michael Pearson...” Anaya recalled with a chuckle. “He was awful. He ditched me at the end of the night to go to McDonalds with his mates and I got a taxi home. I’ve always been good at picking them though, haven’t I?”

  “At least you’ve given it a go,” Owen told her. “I went to the prom alone and that’s pretty much how dating went for me ever since.”

  Anaya turned to him with tender eyes and looked once more at her best friend. Every time she looked at him now, she saw the man he had become rather than the boy he had been when they were young. She saw his strong muscles and kind eyes and sandy hair and could only feel love and attraction for him. That easy comfort that they’d always had between them had become something much deeper for Anaya since their night together which was hard to put into words. She leaned forward as if to kiss him, but then remembered how much trouble that had got her into last time and held back. Owen perceived the moment and weighed his options.

  The last time he had slept with Anaya it had been a drunken rebound. Now he had the opportunity to be with her when they were both sober and had a child between them. Perhaps this was the chance he’d been waiting for to make her see him not as that chubby-cheeked boy next door, but as a man who could take care of her, her child and her needs. Against his better judgment and every promise he’d made to himself, he leaned forward to start the kiss that Anaya had shied away from.

  She felt butterflies in her stomach when his lips pressed against hers and she shut her eyes as she swooned at the sensation. All the hectic things slowed down in his kiss and all the wrong things felt right. All the reasons not to be with him disappeared and all she cared about was staying in that moment with him and feeling loved and wanted. She knew that they were making the same mistakes all over again. Last time he had been her rebound and now she was his, but it didn’t seem to stop either of them from letting things heat up.

  Anaya didn’t know that for Owen this wasn’t a rebound, but that she was the one he’d wanted all along. For her, she was pushing down her true affections for him because she thought he was just trying to find an escape from the pain of a breakup and Owen believed that she was just reciprocating his advances because she was feeling alone. Even though the reasons that both had in their mind for why the other was returning that kiss were wrong and misguided, it didn’t stop them both from continuing to make what was no doubt another mistake. They both knew that they were long past the point of worrying about whether a steamy night would damage their friendship. They’d proven that their friendship could survive just about anything.

  Owen’s eyes traveled to his daughter who had fallen asleep in the crib and, wanting to be discreet with his child in the apartment, he scooped Anaya up in his arms and carried her to the bedroom, pushing the door shut behind them with his foot. Anaya giggled as he lay her down on the bed and unlike the last time that they had made love when they had both been drunk from the alcohol and not wholly aware of what they were doing, this time every fiber of her being was crying out for his closeness and knowing full well what she was doing. Owen laid her down on the covers and Anaya pulled him toward her and they continued to kiss deeply and passionately. It seemed that they were both giving in to something profound and sensual and Anaya didn’t understand how a rebound kiss could feel so loving and warm.

  This time they were both much more aware of their passion and of their emotions and desires, and as their mouths moved over each other, licking, sucking, teasing, and pleasing one another, their inhibitions vanished as they had before and it suddenly became the most natural thing in the world for him to cup her breasts and bite at her nipples, and for her to run her tongue and fingers over his erection, drawing gasps and sighs from him as she closed her lips around his thickness and sucked hard at him until he almost released himself in her, only to stop in time so that she could spread her thighs and move them over his legs, lowering herself down over his erection until it filled her and they moved together in abandoned passion.

  They wrestled and rolled in the sheets, loving each other until they both came together, and then fell into peace in one another’s arms, knowing that their bodies and hearts were in tune with one another.

  The nature of their embarrassment was slightly different the second time around. This time the looks that they exchanged after the act were the cheeky glances of frisky teenagers whose parents were nearly home. Their flushed glances were full of mischief and excitement. Owen didn’t leave with an awkward half-hug and a confused expression, but kissed her goodbye even though they both knew this had been a one-time thing.

  “Let’s not let this affect our friendship,” he joked.

  Anaya broke into laughter. “I think we’re beyond that now.”

  Owen reached out and brushed back her hair from her face lovingly. He sighed deeply.

  “I wish things were simpler,” he said. “Can I see you and Zoë tomorrow?”

  “Of course.”

  After he had departed, the two were left to process fresh new feelings over a fresh new event. Owen felt exhilarated that he had finally had the kind of passionate encounter with Anaya that he’d been dreaming of since he’d been a teen, but frustrated and disappointed that she still hadn’t asked him to stay with her or opened up about the bigger questions whose answers were still unspoken. He left her apartment not knowing if their lovemaking had been just another rebound, or a sign that something more meaningful was growing between them. He wished that he had a way to read Anaya’s mind and know if she was just looking for comfort or if she was starting to feel more strongly for him. Owen didn’t want to let himself get carried away with hoping because until Anaya confessed her feelings out loud, he could only assume that they’d progressed to friends with benefits a second time and nothing more.

  Anaya was frustrated with herself. Since falling pregnant with Zoë and seeing Owen as a sexual man and as a father, she’d found herself falling more and more deeply in love with him. She’d known it was love for some time now, but had been denying it even to herself because the situation was just getting more and more complicated and lying to herself felt like the only way to keep ahead above water. Now that he’d walked out the door without her telling him that she never wanted him to leave again, Anaya felt like she was drowning.

  Her best friend had come to mean the world to her. Owen was kind and patient and loving and everything that she’d ever been looking for in a man. She’d allowed herself to be blinded to his qualities by staring too long at another man who spoke more loudly and who commanded so much more attention than her quiet, shy Owen. It was his shyness and his quiet manner that had allowed her to overlook him for so long, but as soon as he’d stepped up to his duties as a father she’d seen all the strength in him that lay beneath the surface. Jakob had the kind of mannerism that made you think he could do anything at all when in reality he was a silly man who could barely keep his own goals in sight. Owen went through life steadily and determinedly, quietly achieving his goals and working hard to pull others up with him rather than dragging people down like Jakob did.

  The designer wished that she had noticed Owen for who he was sooner and scolded herself for having been dazzled by a man who was able to appear strong when he was weak at the expense of a man who appeared weak but was strong. When she thought back over her life, she realized that it was Owen who had been there for her at every turn. It was Owen who had celebrated with her each one of her successes and it was Owen who had put her back together again after each of her
defeats. Owen had already walked through so much of her life with her and Anaya had never had cause to feel disappointed in him or angry or hurt. They’d had a perfect twenty years together as friends and her heart told her that if she could only make him his then they could have plenty more perfect years together as lovers.

  She hadn’t spoken these things to him because she knew that she’d been distant too long. How would it appear if she had never paid him any attention before and then suddenly fell at his feet the moment she was alone with a baby? Anaya felt that if she professed any kind of love for him now that it could only be interpreted as desperation and, knowing Owen, he would drop everything to take care of her because that was who he was. Poor Owen had been single for so long and Anaya had been so glad for him when Lisa had seemed to make him happy. She didn’t know that she’d be able to bear the guilt of breaking them up because she felt overwhelmed. Owen would do anything for her, she knew, but if he ever came to her to be her partner, she’d want it to be because he loved her and not because he was trying to do the right thing.

  Anaya cried over him for many nights. Every time her thoughts turned to him she would well up again. She’d read so many stories and seen so many movies about the shy best friend who’d been overlooked until the very end of the story when she would magically take notice of him and find her happy ending, but her own happy ending seemed very unlikely. She’d ignored him now for far too long and the situation had become far too messy for her to make a move now. All she could do was go on and hope that one day he would find his way to her in love.

  *

  Owen had been spending more and more time at the gym since his break up with Lisa and second night with Anaya. He was searching for some kind of escape from the restlessness and disappointment within him. He had really hoped that after another night with Anaya that she would talk to him one day and tell her that she’d felt it too; that spark between them that Owen felt was impossible to ignore. He thought she’d find a way to tell him that she could tell he was madly in love with her and that she wanted to be more than just friends. She could have said it in any way or at any time. All Owen wanted to hear was that she loved him.