Reawakened by the Italian Surgeon

by Scarlet Wilson

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘Our whole family can love her just as much as you do.’

  Relief flooded through him.

  The phone line clicked and Giovanni turned and stared out at Rome. Their time was ticking down. They would be performing surgery any day now, and what then? What if, a few weeks after Hope and Grace were separated, Autumn was called elsewhere, to another surgery? How would he feel then?

  He knew the answer to that already. And he didn’t like it.

  * * *

  ‘Can we talk?’

  Autumn lifted her head and broke into a smile when she saw Giovanni standing in her doorway. ‘Sure—come on in.’

  Her head had been spinning, partly from how their relationship had rapidly developed, and partly because of how much it filled her heart with joy.

  She’d seen both Giovanni and Sofia the last two nights and, whilst part of her still had fears about letting go, she knew they were both stealing pieces of her heart. Which was why the large crease in Giovanni’s brow now made her stomach clench.

  He sat down opposite her.

  ‘What’s up?’ She watched as he shifted on the chair and put his elbows on the table, leaning towards her.

  ‘I wondered how you might be feeling about things.’

  It was the first time she’d ever really heard Giovanni sound a bit nervous. Now it was her turn to shift uncomfortably. ‘Feeling about what things?’

  It was an idiotic response. She knew exactly what ‘things’ he was referring to. But right now she was trying to buy herself some time to think of the appropriate response. Because I think I’m falling head over heels in love with you and your daughter and it completely terrifies me probably wasn’t the best response to give.

  He licked his lips. He knew she was stalling. And that was probably worse.

  ‘Do you plan to go back to London after the surgery? Or do you have another surgery lined up here?’

  Okay. That sounded a bit easier to answer. Except it felt as if he was asking her what her intentions might be. Towards him and his daughter.

  ‘I haven’t made any plans,’ she said quickly. ‘I haven’t been contacted about another surgery as yet. If things go well with Hope and Grace, I might go back to my place in London. I’m pretty much a free agent. I help out with general cases on a routine basis, but I can be called away at a moment’s notice.’

  Giovanni gave a slow, thoughtful nod, then his dark brown eyes met hers. ‘Would you consider transferring your base to somewhere else?’

  She knew she should say yes. Just about every pore in her body wanted to say yes. But the word stuck in her throat. Some people might call her crazy for considering upping sticks and moving her life and career to a new country, a new city, for a guy she’d only known for a few weeks.

  Getting swept off her feet had never been Autumn Fraser’s dream. In fact, she could almost feel the cells in her body panicking.

  Giovanni’s gaze was searing. The frown in his brow creased further and he leaned back in his chair. It wasn’t hard for her to read what his concerns might be. He had Sofia to think of.

  ‘I want to talk to you about something else,’ he said gruffly. ‘But maybe not.’

  Before she had a chance to reply their pagers sounded simultaneously. Both them looked to their waists and then their gazes meshed.

  ‘The girls,’ they said in unison.

  They both reached for the phone, but Giovanni got there first, dialling a number and asking a few questions in rapid Italian.

  ‘Eclampsia. We need to deliver the girls immediately. Lizzy and Leon are scrubbing in now.’

  She was on her feet in an instant. ‘They’re only at thirty-one weeks. We’d hoped to get a bit longer.’

  ‘We’re lucky we got this long. Let’s go.’

  There was no time for anything else. Both wanted to watch the Caesarean section and be ready to take over the twins’ care once they were out of the womb. It might be that the separation surgery would be required soon afterwards.

  There was no time for this.

  There was no time for them.

  She wished she hadn’t hesitated. She wished she’d reached out and grabbed him. But she just couldn’t be that person. No matter how hard she tried.

  Maybe it was time for a rethink.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  AUTUMN STOOD OVER the warming crib that held Grace and Hope. They were doing well. Although, to be honest, they had so many wires and monitors attached to them that it was virtually impossible to see any of their skin. But though they both had tiny knitted caps, and were obviously close together, Autumn could see their beautiful faces.

  She pressed her lips together. The scan of the liver hadn’t been great. In fact, it was going to require even more intense work than Autumn had planned for. The tiny blood vessels were so friable... She was actually scared.

  Her skill as a surgeon had never been questioned. But now she was questioning it herself. Did she really have what it took to give Grace the life she deserved?

  Her mind drifted to how comfortable the girls seemed. Neither of them had been upset or irritable since they’d been born. Breastfeeding was out of the question because of their positioning, and both currently had feeding tubes, but Gabrielle was hopeful that once her girls were separated, she would be able to breastfeed them both.

  How much trauma was she about to cause these babies? It seemed alien to so many people, but was there a chance that separating them would do more harm than good?

  Giovanni appeared at her side. ‘I know what you’re thinking.’

  His voice was deep and low. She sighed, feeling his breath at the back of her neck. Things had been awkward this last week. There hadn’t been time to sit down together and have the conversation that was badly needed. Both of them knew it wasn’t the time.

  There had been general agreement with all involved that they would allow Grace and Hope a few weeks of recovery time following the Caesarean section. Some time to establish their breathing, their feeding, and some time for Matteo and Gabrielle to get to know their daughters and to give the girls a chance to gain some strength for what lay ahead.

  Autumn had spent hours here since they’d been born. Checking all the scan results, then rechecking them. She’d also spent hours in the clinical lab upstairs, practising surgeries.

  ‘How do you know what I’m thinking?’

  The tone of his voice held an edge of regret. ‘Because I know you, Autumn. Better than you think. You’re considering the surgery. You’re thinking about childhood trauma.’

  Her skin prickled and then she smiled. ‘I am,’ she said softly.

  It felt good to know that someone could read her that well. She just wished she had the same confidence to know what Giovanni was thinking all the time.

  She heard him suck in a deep breath.

  ‘I think your work is excellent. I think it’s really important,’ he said. ‘But have you ever asked yourself why it’s an area of study you’re interested in?’

  She turned, automatically defensive. ‘What do you mean?’

  His fingers touched the bare skin on her arm. ‘You know the lasting damage all types of childhood trauma can do. Physical, mental and emotional. It’s the kind of trauma and behaviour that affects adults.’

  ‘I know that.’

  Her words were stiff. It was obvious he was trying to take her in a certain direction. But it was making her uncomfortable.

  The look he gave her was full of sympathy and regret. ‘Have you ever wondered why you find it so hard to give up control? To let go? To take a chance on giving a piece of your heart away—or even all of it?’

  ‘You’re saying I’m a victim of childhood trauma?’ She could hear the indignant tone in her own voice. Tears pooled in her eyes.

  He ran his fingers gently along her arm. ‘
You started this conversation with me some time ago. You told me your parents were never “bad” to you or your brother. But controlling behaviour can cause just as much damage as physical trauma. You must have thought about that sometimes, but I suspect you’ve just pushed it away.’

  Autumn shook her head fiercely. ‘This is ridiculous. Yes, they were controlling.’ She put her hand to her chest. ‘But me? I’m just me. Yes, I like to be in control of things. I don’t like it when things happen that I can’t plan for. That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with me. It’s just who I am—and what’s wrong with that?’

  She stepped away from the warming crib and Grace and Hope. She was getting angry and irritated, and she didn’t want anyone around to see two surgeons squabbling.

  Giovanni ran his fingers through his hair. She could see the tiny lines around his eyes.

  ‘I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with you, Autumn. I just want you to understand how you got here.’

  He put an arm around her waist and led her out of the unit and to one of the windows in the nearby corridor. For the first time since she’d got here Rome was gloomy. The rain was lashing down on the streets outside and the clouds were low and grey.

  ‘Have you ever gone outside and danced in the rain? Jumped in a fountain? Have you ever wanted to just turn up at the airport and pick the first flight that’s available?’

  She shook her head. None of those things were for her. The thought of turning up at an airport and getting a flight at random was ridiculous.

  ‘Why would anyone do something like that? What if you’ve packed summer clothes and you end up on a flight to Iceland? Why wouldn’t you want to plan your itinerary, get your currency in advance, know what you’re going to do every day of your holiday? Time is too precious to waste.’

  She saw his muscles tense. He closed his eyes for a second and she knew instantly that she’d disappointed him. This was why. This was why she’d tried to be so careful with her heart.

  When he opened his eyes again, he gave a slow shake of his head. ‘You are so right—time is too precious to waste. But what if, Autumn? What if my daughter hadn’t looked at that screen of surgeons? What if she’d pointed to someone else? What if I’d called some other surgeon?’

  Her skin chilled instantly.

  ‘Some things are just random, Autumn. Some things—some meetings—are just happy mistakes. Or just darn good luck.’

  She stared at him. Her head was flooding with thoughts. He could have picked someone else for this surgery. She’d still be back in London. In her flat. Alone. She’d never have met Giovanni. Or Sofia. Or Grace and Hope. Or Lizzy and Leon.

  Her breath was hitching in her throat. This world, this relationship...her brain wouldn’t let her believe it was all down to chance. To the pointing of a finger by a five-year-old.

  ‘I need to know,’ said Giovanni quietly. ‘I need to know that we can have a relationship together. I need to know that you can accept me and Sofia as a package deal. I’m not asking you to give up your life in any way. We can talk about all that.’ He took a deep breath and looked at her again. ‘But I need to know that you can give me your heart—your whole heart—just like Sofia and I will give you ours.’

  He took another breath, and when he looked at her she thought her heart might melt in her chest.

  ‘Because I love you, Autumn. We love you. And I want nothing more than to find a way to make this work between us.’

  Something twisted deep down inside her. She hadn’t expected this conversation. Not now. Not here. Her stomach was instantly in knots. These were words she’d wanted to hear but wasn’t entirely sure how to respond to.

  ‘Before you say anything else, I want to be honest with you about something,’ said Giovanni.

  He looked troubled. Autumn’s chest was tightening. She wanted to tell him that of course she loved him. That she could give him her whole heart. But that part...it was sticking.

  ‘Wh-what is it?’ she stammered.

  Giovanni fixed his eyes on the horizon. ‘You’ve probably heard people in the hospital talking about Anna.’

  ‘Yes?’ It came out as a question.

  He ran his fingers through his hair again. She’d realised that he only ever did that when he was either nervous or frustrated. Which was it here?

  ‘Most people had a picture-perfect view of our marriage. Which, for a time, might have been true. We grew up here. Met at the hospital. Fell in love, got married and had Sofia.’

  The pain sitting on Autumn’s chest seemed to deepen. She didn’t need to hear this. She didn’t need to hear about Giovanni’s perfect life. People around the hospital mentioned Anna all the time, with a sad and reminiscent look in their eyes. It was hard not to feel a little hostile about it. How could she ever compete with a perfect memory...a perfect ghost?

  ‘But things weren’t like that. Hadn’t been for a while, at least.’ He hesitated, then straightened his shoulders. ‘We...grew apart. And after Sofia’s birth Anna was frustrated. With me...with life.’

  Autumn frowned. ‘She didn’t like being a mother?’

  Giovanni shook his head. ‘No, not that. She loved Sofia entirely. But she felt trapped.’ He put his hand to his chest. ‘By me. We’d been talking about splitting before she fell pregnant. We stayed together because she was pregnant. I thought—I hoped—that things might get better, but they didn’t. She decided to return to work early and told me she still wanted to leave the marriage.’

  He shook his head again and Autumn watched him swallow.

  ‘We kept our fights away from our colleagues at the hospital. When Anna died... I found it hard. I had to pretend that my wife and I had still been perfectly happy and in love, when nothing could have been further from the truth.’

  Autumn felt frozen. The wave of relief that flowed over her at knowing that Giovanni hadn’t been in love with his wife was shameful. And now she was wondering about the authenticity of the man in front of her. This was the man she’d contemplated trusting with her heart. If he’d fallen out of love with his wife, would he fall out of love with Autumn too?

  She’d spent days questioning herself. Wondering why this gorgeous, hot Italian man seemed to have picked her, out of the hundreds of adoring women who were around him. Then she’d wondered why she couldn’t just jump into his arms and dance around the corridors with him?

  Was this why? Because she’d recognised something in his eyes on the few occasions he’d spoken about his wife? Maybe her subconscious had known he was hiding something from her? It could be that her instincts to hold on to her heart had been entirely correct.

  Her fingers wound around a strand of her hair.

  ‘I wanted to be honest with you—’ His voice was gravelly.

  ‘But you weren’t,’ she interrupted.

  ‘I’m trying to be,’ he said. ‘I want us to have the best chance of making this work. That’s why I want you to know everything I think you should know, before we take the next step.’

  Her brain was numb. ‘You’ve lived a lie these past few years.’

  He shifted uncomfortably. ‘But I’m the only person to know that. I had Sofia to think of.’ He held out his hands. ‘What kind of a guy speaks ill of his dead wife?’ He actually shuddered as he said those words. ‘And what was there to gain from telling everyone we would likely have split up had she not been killed? I want Sofia to remember good things about her mother. Surely that’s not too much to ask?’

  Autumn’s throat was dry. ‘But I’m not “everyone”. I’m the woman who met your daughter. Who shared your bed. If you weren’t honest about this—what else have you lied to me about?’

  She could feel the layers wrapping around her. Wrapping around her to keep herself safe. This was exactly what she’d feared about letting go and losing control of things—especially her heart. She would swear it was physically
twisting in her chest right now.

  It was about much more than honesty. But she couldn’t quite articulate that right now. The words seemed the simplest to say. But he’d told her he’d fallen out of love with his wife. A woman who had given her heart to him.

  Fear swept around Autumn, and again those feelings of a lack of control circled around and around. She couldn’t control how he felt about her. She’d never be able to do that. He said he loved her now—but for how long?

  She already knew how she felt about him. But she couldn’t tell him. She couldn’t tell him how much she loved and adored him. Couldn’t return those words. Not right now.

  In her head she could see pictures of being wrapped up in a family life with Giovanni and Sofia, only for him to change his mind a few years later and leave her on her own. Empty and useless.

  The thoughts overwhelmed her.

  ‘I haven’t lied to you about anything, Autumn,’ he said softly. ‘I wouldn’t do that. I didn’t lie to you about this either. I wanted to take the time to get to know you. To know that I truly wanted to make this work between us. Because I think we can make a go of things. And I’m telling you now because I want to start this relationship with all my cards on the table.’

  He was talking, saying words she wasn’t really hearing. All she could think about was the myth that followed Giovanni around about him and his wife. It didn’t matter that she’d found the whole thing intimidating anyway, and wondered how she could ever live up to the stories about his perfect wife. All that mattered was that it had all been an illusion. They hadn’t been in love. Not when she’d died.

  Did she really want to take a risk on something she had no control over? The future was so uncertain. Who was to say that in a few years’ time he wouldn’t want to walk away from her too? To take himself and Sofia back out of the life that she loved and leave her alone? She’d never risked her heart before—could she really do so now? It would be easier just to pull back, to insulate her heart the way she always had. To protect herself from any pain.

  Flashes of her parents came into her head. Her brother had had the same upbringing as herself. He’d walked his own way, turned his life around and taken a million chances. He was happier now than she’d ever known him to be. But deep down Autumn knew that she didn’t have faith in herself, or now in Giovanni, to do the same.