Dear Mother: A gripping and emotional story that will make you sob your heart out

by Angela Marsons

  As she wrapped them in paper towels, Catherine felt her mobile vibrate in her pocket. She knew she should turn it off upon entering the hospital – she could read the signs that told her so – but Alex wasn’t hooked up to a heart monitor and she really needed to be contactable for work and the girls.

  Catherine looked at the phone but didn’t recognise the number. It couldn’t be Tim.

  She put the phone back into her pocket and finished sorting through the fruit.

  ‘I’ve sorted the rent arrears on your flat and paid one month in advance,’ Catherine said, hoping that it might put Alex’s mind at rest. Her landlord had turned up at the hospital two days ago demanding back payment or he’d throw Alex’s possessions onto the pavement. Catherine hadn’t liked him one little bit but she’d settled the debt so that Alex had a home to go back to.

  Alex moved on the bed and Catherine thought she saw a trace of fiery emotion in the deep hazel eyes, but just as soon it was gone and Alex’s gaze resumed its steady concentration on an invisible point beyond her eye line.

  Catherine took the seat beside her sister’s bed. She ached to take her hand or touch her arm but she couldn’t. Somehow she just knew that a faint distaste would pass over her sister’s features. And that was something she couldn’t bear. It was an expression she’d experienced enough from her mother.

  As her body settled into the chair, Catherine felt exhaustion seep into every fibre of her being. The long days and sleepless nights were beginning to take their toll. She rested her head in her hands.

  ‘Alex, please come back to me,’ she whispered. ‘I don’t know what to do.’ A silent tear fell from her eye and landed on her hand. She wiped it away quickly and berated herself. Displays of emotion were not going to help her sister get well.

  She felt her phone begin to vibrate again and reached for it. This time she did recognise the number. ‘I’ll be back in a minute,’ she told Alex, who didn’t respond.

  Catherine went into the visitors’ toilet area just outside the entrance to the ward.

  ‘Hello,’ she answered, breathlessly.

  ‘Catherine, thank goodness—’

  ‘Are the girls okay?’ she interrupted as the fear balled up in her stomach.

  ‘The girls are fine, sweetheart. They miss you and want you to come home but other than that they’re okay. It’s Beth… she’s been calling for you.’

  Catherine leaned back against the cubicle door. ‘Did she say what she wanted?’

  ‘She just needs to speak to you right away. She tried your mobile but got no answer so she tried here. Umm… Catherine, she didn’t sound good.’

  Catherine rubbed at her forehead. ‘I’ll give her a call.’

  She would have liked to stay on the phone to Tim and let his voice soothe and comfort her for a while longer but she needed to speak to Beth.

  She found the missed call on her phone register and hit the recall button. The phone was answered on the first ring.

  ‘Catherine, is that you?’

  Catherine could hear the panic and fear in her sister’s voice. ‘Beth, what’s wrong? What’s happened?’

  ‘Catherine, I need you. I’ve remembered. I’ve remembered it all.’

  Fourteen

  Alex

  Alex hovered at the edge of something but she wasn’t sure what. Sometimes it was a precipice that led into blackness. Other times it was a tunnel that led into the same darkness. Same result but with different ways of getting there. It was a big decision to make. The dense, comforting blackness was the same whichever way she looked, but she had to decide whether to trust the fall into the unknown or walk into it herself.

  She had spent hours considering each option, searching the darkness for the answers. Did the same blackness take her to different places? She suspected not. It was all about the choice. Either way she had to face the darkness that was imminent, but it was all about the choice. She knew that it was important.

  So many times she’d been poised at the edge of her decision when Catherine had arrived and distracted her from the task. During that time Alex was forced to deal with strong emotions of hate and anger. When Catherine left she felt exhausted and weary but relieved that she could mute the feelings once more and return to the most important decision of her life. How to enter the darkness.

  Only once had Alex been tempted to leave the safety of her ledge on the cliff face. Just once, when Catherine’s head had fallen into her hands, a small part of Alex had wanted to reach across and touch her hair. Just once and that feeling had been quickly extinguished.

  Alex had felt the vibration of the phone and had known that Catherine would have to go and answer it. Nothing ever changed. There was always something more important to Catherine than her. Everything was more important to Catherine than her. That’s why she had left all those years ago.

  Alex stamped on the thought and ground it out with her heel like an extinguished cigarette butt. She would not think of things like that. It was gone. It was in the past. It was over, her mind screamed, but her heart knew better.

  Catherine stormed back into the room, her face fixed in a frown.

  Alex took the opportunity to appraise her as she reached for her coat from the back of the chair. Her face looked pale, her skin pasty, but the thing that struck Alex most was the fear around her eyes.

  ‘I have to go,’ Catherine said, as she shuffled into her jacket.

  Some sort of problem at work, Alex thought, angrily.

  ‘You know I’d stay if it wasn’t urgent but I have to…’

  Catherine’s voice trailed off as it began to shake.

  Alex realised that this was more serious than work. She felt a stab of concern that there might be a problem with Catherine’s children. The concern was quickly quashed by the feeling that Catherine was leaving her again.

  She sensed Catherine hovering by the door. Her sister turned and lowered herself onto the chair, gently.

  ‘Alex, it’s important to me that you know that I love you and that I wouldn’t be leaving unless I absolutely had to. Beth needs me.’

  Fear coursed through Alex’s body. Her mind woke up and became alert at the mention of her sister’s name. Beth, their poor sister who had probably suffered more than either of them.

  ‘She needs me, Alex, I have to go to her now. She’s remembered what happened.’

  Alex felt her hand being squeezed. A blinding panic raged through her body. Beth needed them both.

  Catherine’s hand was on the door handle when Alex swallowed deeply to moisten her unused vocal chords.

  ‘Wait,’ she muttered, hoarsely. ‘I’m coming with you.’

  The effort of covering the distance from the bed to the car was evident in the pain that coursed around her body. Catherine had tried to help but Alex had pushed her away.

  After giving Catherine directions to her home to pick up some clothes, Alex remained silent during the journey. She’d spent the last few days in hospital in pyjamas that Catherine had bought for her, but her clothes from the night of the attack were ruined.

  To Alex’s regret, Catherine followed her into the building. For some reason unknown to her, Alex didn’t want Catherine to see where she lived.

  ‘It’s, umm… cosy,’ Catherine said, as they entered.

  Alex could hear the distaste in her voice and reacted. ‘Yeah, well, this is just while the penthouse is being redecorated.’

  Alex felt winded as Catherine encased her in a huge embrace. ‘Thank God, you’ve come back to me. Alex, I was so worried. I thought I’d never reach you. It’s so good to hear your voice properly and you sound so much like yourself.’

  Alex pulled away from Catherine’s arms. ‘Don’t touch me,’ she growled. She saw the hurt that passed through Catherine’s eyes but she didn’t care. Her only priority was Beth. Both the tunnel and the cliff edge had faded into the distance but she could still see them and they still beckoned.

  Alex changed as quickly as she could into black jeans
and a ripped T-shirt. She briefly looked around for her jacket before remembering that she’d sold it. She grabbed a thick grey fleece from the floor beside the bed, then followed Catherine back to the car and focused her gaze into the glare of oncoming headlights on the other side of the carriageway.

  ‘You know, Alex, some day, you’re going to have to find a way to forgive me.’

  The words filled the interior of the car and while it was moving Alex had no escape. ‘Why?’

  ‘Because you’re angrier with me than you are with our mother and that’s messed up.’

  ‘I don’t want to talk about it.’

  ‘You have to. For your own sake.’

  Alex could hear the frustration in Catherine’s voice and felt a small stab of triumph. ‘I don’t have to talk about it. It won’t change anything that happened. It’s not like we’re ever going to be close. This is the plan. We’ll go see Beth and try to help her as best we can. Then we’ll all go our own separate ways and get on with our lives.’

  As she said the words, Alex had no idea what that entailed for her. It hit her that she had no friends, no family, no job, and very soon would have no place to live.

  ‘So, it’s back to the bottle for you then?’

  ‘Shut the fuck up.’

  Alex didn’t need reminding that she hadn’t touched a drop of alcohol for days. Her body craved the warm embrace of vodka. She was honest enough to admit that the moment she could get her hands on something she would.

  ‘So tell me why you hate me so much?’

  ‘Leave it, Catherine,’ Alex spat, feeling the rage build inside her stomach.

  ‘I have a right to defend myself against your hostility. Explain it.’

  ‘I’m warning you.’

  ‘I’m not backing off. Let me have it. Give the rage somewhere to go. Aim it my way but at least do it honestly and tell me the truth instead of hiding behind your silence.’

  ‘Just shut up,’ Alex screamed. If she wanted to cloak herself and protect herself inside of the hatred she felt for her sister then it was her choice to do so.

  ‘Come on, Alex. Just say it. I’m an adult; I can take your accusations and rage. I’ve lived with them in my head for years. Just get the words out so that we both know. Tell me why you hate me so much.’

  ‘Because you fucking left me.’

  The words exploded out of Alex’s mouth so quickly that she couldn’t stop them. They hung heavily between them. Alex stared ahead but could see that Catherine swallowed deeply and her hands tightened on the steering wheel.

  ‘When did I leave you, Alex?’

  Catherine’s tone was gently probing. Not what Alex had expected at all. In the few seconds since the words had escaped she had anticipated strong defences and arguments that would boil down to a whole lot of excuses. Alex was ready to deflect them.

  ‘The night of Beth’s accident.’

  ‘Don’t call it an accident, Alex. We both know that it wasn’t. What do you remember of that night?’

  ‘You ran away.’

  Alex used the least number of words for each thought deliberately. She always avoided reliving that night and the realisation that Catherine had left her.

  ‘Tell me exactly what you remember. It’s important.’

  Alex didn’t want to remember. There was no point to it. ‘I can’t…’

  ‘For fuck’s sake, Alex, just do something for someone else for a change.’

  Catherine’s words shook Alex to the core. She recognised the tone from when they were children.

  ‘I remember the sirens of the ambulance and then being taken away somewhere. It’s a bit blurry but I do remember that night when I waited for you to come back. I couldn’t sleep because you weren’t in the bed opposite, watching me. I waited all night for you to come home but you never did,’ Alex said, accusingly. ‘And the next day Mother told me that you’d run away and left me.’

  ‘And you believed her?’

  ‘I had no choice. You weren’t there for me to fucking ask.’

  Catherine shook her head in the darkness. ‘How is it that you can remember some of the night so clearly yet completely blank out the rest of it?’

  ‘What are you talking about?’

  ‘The sirens came from the police as well as the ambulance. They took us to a children’s home while Mother was at the hospital with Beth. They were trying to get us to tell them what had happened, but we’d been so well trained that we wouldn’t say a thing. We just sat there, clinging to each other in a small white room while different people tried to question us.’

  Alex shook her head. ‘No, I don’t remember…’ But she did remember something. She remembered white walls. She couldn’t recall exactly where she had been during that time but she did have a vision of plain white walls.

  ‘Mother came to fetch us,’ Catherine continued, as she overtook a juggernaut that was moving slowly in the left-hand lane. ‘But she only took you. You didn’t want to go. You clung to me and screamed the place down. It took Mother and two orderlies to get you off me. I could hear your cries as they took you away.’

  Alex dared to glance at her sister, hearing the pain in her voice, but her eyes were fixed on the road ahead. She didn’t want to hear any more. She wished she was a child again and that covering her ears would block out anything painful, but she felt compelled to listen.

  ‘I didn’t know where they’d taken you but Mother came back. She had told the police that it was all my fault. She persuaded them that the family would be better off if I was taken into care so that I couldn’t harm either of you again. She signed me over to the state, Alex.’

  Alex stared straight ahead, her vision blurred by the emotion in her sister’s voice and a startling revelation that everything Catherine said to her was true.

  Catherine pulled the car onto the hard shoulder and flicked on the hazard lights. Alex felt herself being turned towards Catherine whose face was haunted by the memories that she was being forced to share.

  ‘It broke my heart being torn away from the two of you. You were my whole life, but it wasn’t my fault. I tried to see you but Mother threatened that she would make your lives unbearable if I came anywhere near you. She promised to treat you both better if I stayed away. I had to try and protect you even if I wasn’t right there. Don’t you understand? I had no choice.’

  Anger-filled tears rushed over Alex’s cheeks, cleansing her of the hatred that had driven her for so long. She had no memory of the time that Catherine recalled but she also knew that Catherine had no reason to lie.

  ‘I loved you both so much,’ Catherine said, reaching for her hand. Alex allowed her to take it. ‘My life was empty without you but I had to try and make something of what I had. If only to prove her wrong.’

  ‘Yeah, I did a great job of that, didn’t I? I managed to turn into everything she said that I would.’

  ‘But it doesn’t have to stay that way, Alex,’ Catherine murmured, as Alex felt herself being drawn into the protective circle of her sister’s embrace.

  ‘Are you ready for this?’ Catherine asked as the comforting hum of the car engine faded away.

  Alex looked at her sister. ‘Are you?’

  Catherine shook her head. ‘No, but we owe it to her to listen. It’s the least we can do.’

  Beth opened the door and immediately balked at Alex’s appearance.

  ‘Oh my goodness, what happened to you?’

  Alex waved away the question. ‘Nothing, it’s not important. And, anyway, you should see the other guy,’ she joked weakly.

  Beth ushered them all in the front door and through to the lounge.

  ‘I’ll make tea. You must be—’

  ‘No, Beth, no tea,’ Catherine said, blocking her path to the kitchen. She gently guided Beth to the sofa and sat beside her. Alex took the single chair.

  ‘What happened?’ Catherine asked, taking Beth’s hand and holding it tightly.

  ‘I picked up the poker to dust underneath it but I
couldn’t put it down.’

  Alex noted that the dark metal instrument lay on the hearth.

  ‘I wanted to put it back but I just couldn’t let it go and then it was like I was back there, seeing it, reliving it.’

  Catherine moved closer and looked at Alex who desperately wanted to look away, run away, but she didn’t. Beth had to face this and so did they.

  ‘What did you see?’ Catherine asked, gently.

  A tolerant smile formed on Beth’s lips as her eyes wandered to the poker. ‘The two girls were arguing about something. It wasn’t serious but Catherine was telling Alex that the plates she had wiped were sopping wet. Alex was doing a cheeky dance and pulling faces.’

  Alex noticed that Beth recited the memory as though for the benefit of two strangers and not for the two people in front of her who had been with her that night and who could remember the whole thing clearly.

  Her eyes met Catherine’s above Beth’s distant gaze. Their shared guilt locked and mingled above Beth’s head.

  ‘Mother told you to stop it or you’d both be sorry.’

  Beth was right. Alex had barely touched the plates with the tea towel and had simply put them back in the cupboard. Catherine had noticed and was trying to chase her back into the kitchen to do the job properly.

  Alex remembered hearing the warning and had idly wondered what their mother was going to do. Would she beat them both?

  ‘Alex hid behind the sofa, in the gap that Catherine couldn’t reach. Catherine stretched her arm trying to grab hold. Alex was taunting Catherine and Catherine was trying hard to stay stern.’

  Beth swallowed but didn’t blink as she continued.

  ‘Mother was watching them both. Her face was hard and cold. She told Alex she had five seconds to get out or she would regret it for the rest of her life.’

  The smile dropped from her face. ‘Catherine stood aside but Alex didn’t come out.’

  Alex closed her eyes.

  ‘Mother counted to five and Alex still hadn’t come out.’

  Alex tried to hold back the emotion but it was useless. ‘I was stuck,’ she whispered through the tears.