Dear Mother: A gripping and emotional story that will make you sob your heart out

by Angela Marsons

  She approached the blue door to the side of the Chinese takeaway and hesitated. Perhaps she could escape under the cloak of darkness? But as she turned she saw Catherine’s watchful eyes gazing at her through the driver’s side window.

  Beyond the blue door were bare wooden steps that led up and out of a mauve-coloured hallway. The sound of her boots echoed around the building. At the top of the stairs one door was marked ‘Keep out’ and the other was slightly ajar. Alex took her chances and pushed open the one to her right.

  She quickly counted about eight people standing around. Some in pairs and a couple standing one their own and looking as uncomfortable as she felt. Was it their first night also?

  A woman clad in Marks & Spencer clothes approached her with a welcoming smile. ‘Hello, I’m Eleanor and we’re about to start.’

  Alex nodded as people began to take their seats. She wondered if there was any sort of hierarchy denoting where one sat at these things.

  While Eleanor gave a quick chat on the format of the meeting, Alex did a quick appraisal and tried to fit these people into the boxes she perceived as their lives. She always made up stories about people’s lives and invariably they were better than her own.

  ‘So, I’ll start. My name is Eleanor and I’ve been sober for three years and two months.’ Applause rippled around the group. Alex sighed inside. This was turning out to be like every B-movie that she’d ever seen. She had a strong instinct to launch herself from the chair and aim for the doorway before anyone could stop her. But then she thought of Catherine, sitting in the car, waiting for her, and she knew she couldn’t.

  All too soon it was her turn. ‘My name’s Alex and I’m gonna be sober for the next hour or so.’

  Her attempt at humour was met with blank stares and a couple of disapproving glances. She quickly realised that this was no place for humour. She cast her eyes down to avoid the chastisement of the group. I’ll just get through this meeting, she promised herself, so that I’ll have something to tell Catherine, and then never darken this doorstep again.

  As she gently clapped for other people, she wondered again what she was doing in this soulless room that held no clues as to what it did for a day job. She wasn’t like these people. She could stop drinking whenever she wanted. It had never caused her a problem and if it ever did she could handle it on her own. She could handle it.

  Eleanor stated that they would recite and discuss the twelve steps. Alex had no idea what she was talking about so remained silent, willing away the minutes until she was free of these people.

  ‘Step one: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.’

  Alex heard the words and discarded them until a vision of herself lying bleeding in an alleyway returned to haunt her. She pushed away the feelings that accompanied the memory and tried to view the event objectively. That night she had been powerless and her life had definitely become unmanageable. She remembered the sensation of her swollen, painful cheek resting against the cold, wet tarmac, unable to speak. Unable to move. The severity of the beating had paralysed her and she had prayed for help to come, but if she’d had to put a name to that help she would have been found wanting.

  ‘Step four: We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.’

  During the long repetitive hours in the hospital bed, the events of Alex’s life had passed through her mind while she tried to make sense of what had happened. In her forced state of sobriety she had been forced to question the direction of her life. What had gone so wrong to lead her to that point? What sort of person had she become to find herself in that situation? Was it a punishment for the harm she had done to all the people around her?

  ‘Step eight: We made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.’

  The image of Nikki flew into her mind. Alex was honest enough to know that Nikki had been her one true chance at a better life, but in her heart she knew she had never deserved it. She had treated Nikki badly and had taken her for granted and then when she could push her no further, she had simply walked out. She thought of Jay and the friendship they’d shared. They had been so close until the day that he had needed her and she hadn’t even realised it.

  Her mind began to swim in torment. She sat up straight and began to listen a little closer.

  Alex stared into her cup of black coffee as she stirred it distractedly. She didn’t have the will to raise her eyes and meet Catherine’s gaze.

  ‘The spoon’s getting dizzy,’ Catherine said, with a smile in her voice.

  Alex put it down, wishing that Catherine hadn’t bothered waiting for her. She would have preferred to be on her own. She needed to absorb all that she’d heard in the poky dismal room across the street and the feelings that now raged within. A lot of what she’d heard had made sense. A little too much sense.

  ‘Jesus, I really am an alcoholic,’ she said, brokenly.

  Catherine took her hand, and for once Alex made no attempt to pull away. ‘I know, sweetheart.’

  ‘But how did this happen? When did I lose control?’ Alex raked her free hand through her hair. The truth was emblazoned on her mind’s eye in aqua neon lettering. ‘At what point did I cross the line?’

  ‘At the point where your life became too difficult to deal with alone.’

  ‘But my life was fine until that bitch fucking died.’

  ‘No, it wasn’t. You’ve become everything our mother said you would be.’

  Alex snatched her hand away, stung. ‘Unlike you, Miss High and Bloody Mighty. You who has everything. I’m so very sorry I disappointed you and ended up like this.’

  Catherine grabbed her hand again. Her eyes blazed into Alex. ‘You could never disappoint me. You’re my sister and I love you with all of my heart. I know you don’t believe that, but I’m not going anywhere, so eventually you’ll have no choice but to believe me. I’m patient and I understand how hurt you are but I wasn’t making a judgement.’

  Alex’s anger dispersed as quickly as it had exploded. ‘But how did we turn out so different?’

  ‘We didn’t. The only things that separate us are material. Yes, I got the great family, nice house and good job. What have I got to show for it now? I’m separated from my family and home and I’ve walked out on my job. In truth, you had more sense than me.’

  Alex was intrigued by her sister’s admission. ‘How so?’

  ‘Because I’ve spent the last fifteen years forming my life around a picture that I painted all those years ago. It was built on determination and the need to prove someone wrong. Everything I’ve done has come from that single motivation. I’ve lived my life with Mother on my shoulder. Every decision and choice that I’ve made came from that one promise I made.’

  ‘But at least you have something in your life,’ said Alex, feeling lonelier than she’d ever felt.

  ‘There have been times in your life that you could have been happy, Alex. You don’t say much about her but I think you loved Nikki. You had the chance.’

  ‘And I threw it away,’ she said, bitterly. Not one day had passed when she hadn’t regretted her treatment of Nikki.

  ‘Because you didn’t think you deserved to be happy, so it became a self-fulfilling prophecy. You turned into what our mother expected of you because you don’t have enough self-worth to believe that you’re entitled to anything more.’

  ‘Said Doctor Catherine, shrink to the people.’

  Catherine chuckled. ‘Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. But be honest with me, Alex. How was your life when you were with Nikki?’

  Alex paused to find the right words. ‘Peaceful, loving, comfortable, exciting…’

  ‘And what did you do once that happened?’

  Alex grew uncomfortable with Catherine’s probing but she felt powerless to stop talking. She hadn’t shared any of these feelings with anyone. ‘I drew back. I started drinking, and other things.’ There were some things that she didn’t
wish to share with her sister.

  ‘You pushed her away?’

  Alex nodded, realising that she had in fact done everything she could to push Nikki away and one day it had simply worked.

  ‘You did so before anyone else could. Don’t you see? Always in the back of our minds our mother has been there in one form or another. In my mind she’s been goading me into everything she said I could never have, but with you she’s been there threatening to take it away. Once you found a good life with Nikki some part of you became scared that it was about to be snatched away, so you took control yourself.’

  Alex sat back. Catherine’s words made sense but she had never consciously decided to push Nikki away. She had simply slid into a pattern of behaviour that seemed to fit at the time.

  ‘How could I have been so stupid? I let the best thing in my life get away.’

  ‘Is there no hope that the two of you could—?’

  ‘No,’ Alex said, cutting off the thought in Catherine’s head. ‘She has someone else and she deserves better than me.’

  ‘Don’t say that,’ Catherine thundered. Alex was transported back to when they were children and Catherine would shout at her for not doing something quickly enough. Her words had often been harsh, but even then Alex had known that it was for her own good and that Catherine was only trying to protect her.

  ‘But she does.’

  ‘Don’t put yourself down. You have lots to give and you’re only going to get better. You’re gutsy and determined and loyal and trustworthy.’

  ‘I’m not a fucking puppy.’

  ‘I can see your good points, so why can’t you?’

  ‘Her new girlfriend won’t hurt her the way I did.’

  ‘What exactly did you do, Alex?’

  Alex shook her head. She was too repulsed by her own actions to utter them aloud, especially to her sister. For a reason that Alex couldn’t fathom, Catherine’s opinion meant something to her. She wasn’t sure why but it just did.

  Alex drained her coffee and stood. ‘Will you give me a lift to the other side of town? There’s something that I have to do.’

  Catherine reached for her coat. ‘Of course.’

  They remained silent during the fifteen-minute drive, each lost in their own thoughts.

  ‘Here, just stop over there,’ Alex said, as they turned off the main high street.

  ‘Will you be okay?’

  ‘Yes. I’ve just about got enough for the bus ride back.’

  Catherine fished in her purse. ‘Here, take this and get a taxi. For me.’

  Alex battled internally but decided to accept Catherine’s offer. She opened the door to get out of the car but before she did impulsively leaned over and kissed her sister on the cheek. ‘Thank you,’ she whispered, as she scrambled out of the car. No further words were necessary.

  The quiet familiarity of the street ahead almost forced the breath from her body. It was one of the best kept secrets in the area. A road that led to the back entrance of a furniture warehouse kept the traffic at a minimum. On each side of the road were tidy Victorian semis with neat hedges and Cotswold-stone walls. It was a gentle street filled with couples and young families. And it had once been her home.

  As she approached the racing-green door, her eyes raised to the first-floor window. A vague shadow passed by the curtained glass. Alex instantly recognised the figure and felt a rush of fear in her stomach. She turned to walk away, briefly intending to use the money in her pocket for a bottle of something that would ease her escape from the terrorism of the feelings that now held her under siege. She took two steps and then turned again. She had to do this while she had the courage.

  She pressed lightly on the button under which a single name stood where there had once been two. She knew that if pressed too hard the button refused to reset, sounding a continuous buzzing sound in the room above.

  Nikki’s gentle voice sounded questioning over the intercom.

  ‘It’s Alex,’ she said, simply.

  Alex felt Nikki’s hesitation and understood it. She didn’t need a drunken idiot making a fool of herself at this time of night.

  ‘I’m not drunk and I don’t want anything from you. We can talk down here if you’ll come down.’

  Alex heard the buzzing of the door and gratefully stepped inside. As she mounted the steps Alex heard the distant muffling of the television. Nikki had opened the door for her as she had always done when they were together.

  Alex cautiously entered the flat and looked around. Her eyes rested on Nikki, who stood in the kitchen. Alex caught her breath. She wore cropped jeans and a vest T-shirt despite the temperature outside. Nikki was always warm. Alex thought she had never looked lovelier.

  ‘I’m sorry to disturb you,’ Alex said, casting a furtive glance around the room.

  ‘I’m alone.’

  Alex was not prepared for how relieved she was to hear those words. She accepted that Nikki had moved on with her life, but she didn’t particularly wish to meet the lucky lady.

  ‘Coffee, tea, anything?’

  Alex knew what the anything meant and she shook her head, refusing all three options. This wasn’t a social call. It was a necessity. Alex understood that now.

  ‘Sit,’ Nikki instructed, pointing to the sofa.

  Sarah McLachlan’s haunting voice sounded from the stereo.

  Alex did as she was told and, after tidying an A3 sketching pad and watercolour pencils into a pile, Nikki took the sofa opposite. It was the stance they had often taken for a serious talk. Alex eyed the art equipment fondly. Many nights they had been content for Nikki to sketch out pictures in the lounge while Alex tapped away at the computer in the spare room. Those nights had been idyllic and Alex missed them more than she cared to admit.

  ‘I’ve come to apologise,’ Alex stated.

  ‘Look, if this is about the night you got drunk and stayed here you have nothing to apologise for.’

  ‘Not for that, although I am sorry that you got lumbered with me that night, but this is something else. I’m sorry for the things that I did.’

  Alex saw the pain that came into Nikki’s eyes and felt the sickness rise in her own stomach. They had reached the point where they could exist as acquaintances, even as tentative friends, providing that they pretended their past had happened to other people in another time.

  ‘Which particular part?’

  Alex realised that this was not going to be a Girl Scout picnic but she owed Nikki the truth, or the best truth that she had to give. She had to relive the pain from the beginning so that Nikki would understand what she had meant to her.

  ‘I couldn’t believe my luck when we first met. I used to pinch myself after our evenings together, unable to comprehend that you wanted to spend time with me. Before you there was only sex with strangers. My longest relationship was approximately three hours, and that was only if I couldn’t get rid of them quicker, but you were different. At first I thought it was some kind of bet or a cruel joke but then I came to trust you and eventually fell in love. It was a strange sensation for me because it was something that I’d never felt before.

  ‘I was frightened and exhilarated all at the same time. I moved in here and somehow all the bad things went away for a while. The loneliness that I rarely admitted to seemed a thing of the past. You made me feel like someone special and I revelled in the feelings. I began to trust your love for me and eased into the idyllic life that we created. For the first time in my life I was truly happy.’

  ‘So, what went wrong?’

  ‘It was all too easy. My mind began to play tricks on me and little voices started telling me that the axe was about to fall. I managed to ignore the voices for a while but they grew louder. I became convinced that it was only a matter of time before you realised how worthless I was. Once the thoughts took hold I couldn’t get rid of them. They followed me and mocked me every waking minute. If you stayed late at work it was because you were seeing someone else. If you suggested going out fo
r a drink it was because you were bored with me and wanted to go looking for someone new. Everything you did was because you had finally woken up and realised that I was a useless sack of shit.’

  ‘How could you even think that I felt that way?’

  Alex held up her hands to command silence. ‘It’s not your sympathy I’m after, Nic. I’m way past that. I just need you to understand what happened and why it all went so horribly wrong. I became suspicious of everything. If you suggested that I go into the room and write it was because you wanted to get rid of me. I felt that you were bored with my company and wanted me out of the way. There was nothing that you could do or say that I didn’t manage to find an ulterior motive for, however tenuous.

  ‘I started to do things to test you. I’d deliberately want to make love on nights that you were physically exhausted so that I could confirm to myself that you no longer found me attractive. I would intentionally invite an attractive woman over to our table at the bar so that I could see how you acted. It didn’t matter if you showed no interest because then I just convinced myself that you were a good actress and were burying your attraction. There was no way that you could win. I began to put undue pressure on you to see how much you could take before giving up.’

  ‘I didn’t pass that test too well then, did I?’

  ‘You put up with me for longer than anyone else would have done but you couldn’t win. There was always going to be a breaking point and I wouldn’t have been satisfied until I found it. I was like a child who needs to test the unconditional love of their parents, but I wouldn’t have rested until you finally threw me out. Every torture would have been more cruel and imaginative until I got the result that my head was telling me was a foregone conclusion.

  ‘Please understand, Nikki, that the outcome of our relationship was beyond your control. It was always down to me and there was nothing you could have done to stop it.’

  ‘When did you start being unfaithful?’

  The sickness rose in Alex’s stomach and she feared that the recent coffee was travelling upwards.