Time For Love Box Set

by Karen Deen

Numbers start to be called for the first round. Holding my breath waiting to hear mine, I freeze. There it is. Number seven. It’s time. This is what years of pain and passion have come down to. Please universe, let me reach my end goal. It’s now or never. This is the last throw of the dice.

  Walking into the room, I stand in line with the other waiting auditionees. I close my eyes, take a deep breath, focus and channel everything out. Opening my eyes, I know with every muscle in my body that I can do this.

  I’m ready.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Grant

  The afternoon turns to crap after Emily leaves. I appreciate her visit, but it means I took my eye off the ball, and now have scattered thoughts.

  I spent the rest of my day sorting out other people’s crap, including problems that should have been Luke’s to sort. I don’t even realize the office is now completely empty. The only light on is mine. Looking at my computer, the clock reads nine o’clock. No wonder everyone has left.

  It’s now I start feeling the effects from lack of sleep and emotional exhaustion. My body feels heavy. Time to drag myself home for food, shower, and a good strong scotch. Or maybe two or three. I need to drown away today. At least the scotch will help me sleep. Otherwise, I have a feeling I will be inspecting the bedroom ceiling all night again.

  Takeaway Thai is the obvious choice tonight. It’s my go-to food when the world just seems to piss me off or I can’t be bothered thinking. As shitty as I’m feeling, I’m still hungry. No matter what’s happening I’m always hungry. None of this bullshit of being so upset you can’t eat.

  As I push through the apartment door juggling dinner, my briefcase, and a few groceries I picked up on my way home, it hits me. Zara’s scent still lingers. It wraps itself around me as I walk in and drop everything on the table. The same table where her letter is glaring at me. I’m still not ready. I need food and a drink. Emily’s words are already going around in my head telling me to open it.

  Food, I need food.

  I struggle to eat with the letter still sitting on the table. It takes my focus no matter what I do to avoid it. My cell breaks the silence. Who the fuck would message me at ten at night?

  Only family, surely.

  I wonder if there’s something wrong. Maybe it’s Emily checking on me. I reach out to grab it only to stop as I see the name. It feels like fire in my hands.

  It reads Zara in big bold letters. No surname, just Zara. She doesn’t need anything else to get my attention.

  There aren’t many visible words. Instinct takes over and I swipe my phone to see the full message.

  Zara: I did it. I’ve been offered a position in the company.

  Zara: I’ve finally reached my dream.

  Zara: Losing my other dream in the process.

  Shit. How do I reply to that? My heart breaks but part of me is so goddamn proud of her. I know one thing. I don’t have the right to take away her joy.

  Grant: Congratulations, I am so proud and happy for you.

  Grant: Live the dream you deserve and know the other dream will never die.

  Grant: Good luck, Zara. Bye.

  Moving on auto pilot, I pour too much scotch into my glass. Snatching the letter, I sink into my leather chair facing the skyline. Somewhere out there, my baby is starting a new life and it’s one that doesn’t include me. I still cling to the hope that she will find a place for me in that life. In my heart, I have to now accept that it just isn’t possible. It isn’t fair to Zara and it’s just not meant to be. The universe obviously has someone else in mind for her that isn’t me.

  Draining half my glass, I pull my tie loose and undo the buttons on my dress shirt. I feel constricted. My shirt hangs messily over my black pants. In the middle of my lap sits the letter. It feels like a dead weight.

  Is there any point in reading it now?

  She isn’t staying. New York has claimed her. She’s leaving for an indefinite time, and no one, not even her, knows when she’ll return.

  Music plays in the background. Normally it would be to relax me, but tonight, I can’t even tell you what’s playing.

  Putting my head back, I swirl my scotch. I can still smell her, and Emily’s words keep repeating in my head

  “You should respect her enough to let her be heard.”

  Emily’s right. I can’t hurt any more than what I’m hurting right now. Pausing my thumb strokes over the paper, I try to imagine the words better than I’m sure they are. My heart cracks open. I flip the note open and read my goodbye letter.

  My big, strong, gorgeous Grant,

  I don’t know where to start or what to say. A month ago, my life was plain, boring and focused in one direction with no distractions.

  You came storming into it the night Thomas was born. You have never left. You dominate my thoughts, actions and life. You never asked, you just took control of me. I fought you every step of the way. As you know, I was determined no man would ever hold me back from my dream.

  What I failed to see was you never wanted to hold me back. Instead, you have done everything possible to keep my dream alive. Even if that meant putting yourself through hurt and pain. I am so sorry I didn’t see that until it was too late.

  Last night you showed me how much you cared and what life would be like with you. Beneath that stubborn arrogance is the sweetest loving man I have ever met. You need to show that to the world more. I know you only ever share that with me and of course Sophia and the women in your family. But the world needs to know the true Grant Stevenson.

  Since I was a young girl, to dance as part of the New York Dance Company has been my dream. It was my only dream until I met you. Now I want two dreams. I want to dance, but I want you, too. I know it’s not fair to ask you to wait for years as I go off and live my life, so I won’t do that. It won’t stop me from dreaming, though.

  I couldn’t bear to say goodbye this morning. You did so much for me last night and I’m ready to take on the world today. Such a selfless but brave act. Yet, I’m again being a coward and running from you. I wish it could be another way, but I am just not strong enough.

  No matter what happens today, I want you to know this.

  Our short time together has made me feel more for you than any other man I’ve ever met. Through every bit of banter, I always knew you were it. I may end up living in another city and our paths may never cross again. If that’s the case, I know I will always regret not telling you how I really feel.

  I love you, Grant, and I always will. My greatest wish in life is that you will be happy and find that perfect person who will love you like I do.

  Don’t be stubborn, and smile occasionally. It will power up half of the city.

  Be strong, don’t wait for me, move forward without me, and please be happy.

  You have my love forever and always. Goodbye

  Your Baby xoxoxo

  Tears flow down my cheeks. I can’t hold back. No matter how strong I am, this has totally brought me to my knees.

  The words of Keith Urban’s song ‘Tonight I wanna Cry’ glide through the apartment and it could not have been timelier.

  His smooth voice drowns out the quiet sobs escaping my mouth. I continue to stare out the window, watching my world slip away.

  Truer words could never be spoken. My only companion tonight is the glass of scotch that will take me to a point where I can no longer cry. The point where I can just be numb and stay that way. The tough arrogant man Zara described will be back tomorrow. That will be the only way to get through this.

  But just like Keith’s song, ‘Tonight I wanna cry’ and that’s all there is to it.

  Zara

  Tears fall. On what should be the happiest night of my life, I feel my heart being ripped out. It lays on the floor, bleeding and in pieces.

  Grant has done what I needed him to do. He said goodbye. Deep down, I thought he would push harder and fight for me. Fight for us. I thought he’d ignore me telling him to move on. But his reply told me t
he choice he’d made. He was hurt but he was letting go.

  As I board the plane to head home, the hostess places her hand on my shoulder asking if I’m all right and need anything. In her other hand is a packet of tissues which she can see I need.

  “Thank you, but the only thing I need is time. Time to move past the hurt.” She nods as if she knows exactly what I mean. I pull my seat strap tight and turn to the window while praying I end up without a person next to me tonight. I just can’t cope with it.

  I don’t know how she managed it but the mom and child that were heading my way are offered a change of seats so the little boy could have a window seat, by the same hostess. They smile like they’ve won the lottery and she looks back and winks at me. I must look pretty bad for her to do that. She knows what a bad state I’m in just by one look.

  I’d phoned my parents as soon as I found out I was accepted. Mom cried so many happy tears. Natalie and Xavier where next. Nat screamed down the phone at me. It’s like they had achieved this with me. Which to be honest, they have. Hours and hours of hard work, me complaining while they ignored me. They just kept pushing me anyway.

  Honestly, the first person I wanted to tell was Grant. He should have been my go-to person with this news. But the sad part is, it wasn’t happy news for either of us. It just confirmed what we already know. The relationship we both desperately want was never meant to be.

  We were never meant to be.

  We are two souls that crossed in a universe. Crossing but only to continue on separate paths.

  Why is life so cruel to give me one love at the expense of another.

  Seeing the darkness from the window, it feels like looking into my heart. Just blank, dark and lonely.

  I got my wish. I achieved my dream on my own without a man. Little did I realize, it was at the expense of my happiness.

  It’s like I’ve sold my soul.

  I close my eyes and let the tears keep silently falling. That’s all I can do. Tomorrow, my life will be full of organization for moving to New York. I don’t have long before I need to be there for rehearsals. There will be no time for tears. Just like I’ve done before, I need to be strong.

  Move forward.

  Live the dream.

  Well, one of them.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Zara

  The morning brings puffy eyes, no sleep and a hell of a headache. The physical and emotional drain of yesterday has caught up with me. My feet hit the floor as I roll out of bed, but they just stay rooted to the floor. My body is not ready to start the day.

  I have to be at the gym in twenty minutes. I promised Nat and Xavier a workout with them before they take me for breakfast. Afterwards, I start the craziness of sorting out the studio.

  Crap. I just want to crawl back under the covers and hide.

  The last warning alarm starts vibrating from my cell. This was the one I’ve named the ‘fucking hurry up alarm, or you will be punished’. Xavier has a rule if I’m late. It always means twenty more pushups than normal. It sucks on any day but today, there’s no way I’m doing extra pushups.

  That gets my feet and ass moving. I get dressed quick smart.

  “There she is,” Natalie screams while running across the gym. A few of the regulars all clap and cheer. No need to guess who has filled them in on my news.

  It brings a smile to my face seeing her so happy for me. On the inside, I’m still sad and hurting, however no one needs to know that.

  We stand in the middle of the gym hugging and jumping up and down. It actually feels good to enjoy being excited. I need to keep telling myself that I do deserve this. I deserve to be happy.

  My morning workout is just what I need. This is a place I’ve stood many times and just focused on my journey. It’s still the same journey, I am just a little further along now.

  I can do this. No matter what happens, if I don’t live every moment of this dream, I will always live to regret it.

  Time to move forward.

  Unlocking the door to the studio gives me strange tingles. I’ve never really thought about how much this place means to me. At first, it was just a way to keep in touch with the dance world while I tried to rehabilitate my knee. It became so much more.

  My students gave me life with their love of dance. They didn’t see me as a broken dancer. They saw me as their teacher who gave them knowledge and fun every week.

  So many of them have started their dance journey with me, and now are passing exams at a high level. They could easily have dance as a career. I had approached my studio with a different angle than perhaps I would have if I hadn’t been injured.

  Although I concentrate on correct technique and style, having fun is also a priority. I am very aware of injury prevention. I never want any of my dancers to suffer my fate. I try to be a positive role model for them all. I want them to know their ability does not define them as a person. Dance can be such an individual art form and I never want any child to feel they are competing against other students. All I want is for each of them to reach their full potential, at whatever level that may be.

  Many phone calls later, I’m standing in the middle of the studio warming up ready for the afternoon classes. The students aren’t due for another thirty minutes, but I hear the door downstairs close and a couple pairs of feet running up the stairs. My heart stops, and I hold my breath.

  Hearing Sammy and Sophia’s voices, I freeze. Is Grant here? Do I want it to be him? My heart screams yes, but my head and my stomach yell no. I won’t be able to face him. Not yet, anyway. It’s still too raw.

  A part of me is annoyed by his message response. There was not one mention of the letter or a reaction to me saying I love him. Perhaps I misjudged what I mean to him. Maybe it isn’t as much as he means to me.

  The twins burst through the door giggling as they always do. Their smiles are contagious as they argue about who won the race.

  “Miss Zara!” Sophia races to me and hugs my legs.

  “Hi, gorgeous girl. How are you today? Hi, Samuel.”

  “Good, thank you. I’m excited to dance today.” She smiles up at me. This little girl has no idea how many hearts she will capture and melt as she moves through life.

  “I am great, Miss Zara,” Samuel calls from across the room as he stands at the bar and mirror, pretending to dance and pull faces at himself. Where Sophia will melt hearts, Sammy will bring smiles to hearts no matter where he goes.

  I’m unsure if I want to ask, but before I can, the door opens and I see Emily with Thomas in her arms.

  “I seriously need to lose some of that weight you left behind, Thomas, or Miss Zara needs to get a lift installed for the unfit mothers.” Emily chuckles to herself as she walks across to Sophia and me.

  Before I can say anything to Emily, a little voice speaks.

  “Did you win the competition, Miss Zara? Are you the best dancer?”

  “Oh, sweetie, it wasn’t a competition to be the best dancer. It was an audition to see if I could join some other dancers in a show. But to answer your question…” I look at Emily, “yes, I was chosen to dance with the New York Dance Company.”

  She jumps up and down with excitement while I watch Emily’s shoulders slump a little. She knows what that means. It’s only for a split second, but I see the sadness she instantly feels for Grant and me.

  Pushing that aside, she wraps me in her arms and congratulates me. Poor Thomas is squished between two sets of breasts. He starts to protest a little at this which makes us both look down and chuckle.

  “I bet when he’s older he won’t complain so much about that,” she whispers and grins at me.

  “You should be very proud of yourself. That’s the most amazing news. You are going to be living your dream. How exciting.”

  “The last forty-eight hours has been a whirlwind. That’s for sure. I am happy about it. It’s just…”

  “Grant.” Emily only has to say one word. She knows exactly what’s going on in my head.
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  “Zara, I know it hurts. He’s hurting too. He would never want you to give up on your dream, though. You do know that, right?”

  “How is he? Is he okay?” I already know the answer, but I need to ask the question.

  “Yesterday he was doing it tough.” I wonder if that’s from my letter.

  “Have you spoken to him today?”

  “No, have you?”

  “I can’t. It’s just too hard…for us both.”

  “Zara, he understands. He truly does. That doesn’t mean it hurts you both any less, but he knows you need to do this. You need to believe in yourself and do this, too. If it is meant to be then there will be a time where it will happen. It just isn’t meant to be now.”

  As much as I tell myself I won’t cry, tears fall down my cheeks.

  “Just never give up on either dream. Don’t give up on him.”

  “A bit hard when he has given up on me,” I mumble under my breath.

  “Don’t bet on it. He may be one of the most stubborn men I know but he isn’t stupid. Trust me.”

  Thomas again breaks the void in conversation.

  “I don’t have long before he’s due for a feed. I just want to see you and check on how you went. Make sure you’re okay.

  “Now, tell me the plans for the studio now that you’re moving.”

  Pulling myself together again, I explain about a friend who’s going to be running the studio while I’m away. I danced for years with her and she’s about the only person I trust with my students. Sophia is excited about me “winning”, as she said, but I know there will be tears when she finally understands it means I’m leaving her.

  More students start to filter in for class, so Emily heads out to feed Thomas at the park with Samuel. A part of me I never knew existed until now feels a longing for that to be me.