by Karen Deen
It feels good to laugh and be able to just talk to someone about everything.
Now to face Lilly and keep my feelings under control. Easier said than done.
I hear her voice and laugh before I even see her, as we come through the doors of the gym. Standing with Alesha, Nat and some guy I don’t know. They’re laughing and he’s putting his hand on her arm as he talks to her. The calmness I was starting to feel after talking to Xavier is now gone in a split second.
Stalking over to her, I give this guy the look that says back the fuck away from my girl or I will cut off the limb you are touching her with. He sees me before I even make it to them. Getting the picture loud and clear, he takes a step away from her.
“Anyway, I better run. Bye, girls.” The wimp is already on his way. Just as well.
I feel a hand grab my arm from behind, and I swivel, ready to flatten whoever’s touching me.
“Breathe, man, he was just talking to her. That’s it. Remember, no attachment.” He saves me every time. He keeps walking ahead of me to give me time to calm down.
The girls turn at the sound of his voice.
“Hello, my girls.” Alesha’s eyes light up at the sight of him. Nat rolls her eyes, but my spitfire Lilly can’t help herself.
“Ah, just clarifying. Not your girl, that would be just awkward.” Everyone laughs including me as I get closer now. I greet them all good morning with a kiss on the cheek, leaving Lilly till last and lingering that few seconds longer just to inhale her scent and whisper in her ear.
“Morning, my Red.” As I draw away and see the fire I lit in her eyes, and hear the slightest gasp, it has my cock twitching. Telling her she’s mine is feeding my inner caveman but in turn just making me be a bigger asshole. I’m just setting her up for more hurt.
Xavier takes over and creates the distraction I need to pull back.
“Okay, ladies, none of this standing around chit-chatting. That includes Kane, you big girl. We have a lunch to be at today and anyone who’s late, you’re on your own with Sophia. I’m not upsetting my future mother-in-law. So, let’s get started.”
I take this as my cue to leave and bid them farewell, telling them I’ll meet them there. I head to the locker room to grab my gear. I feel her eyes on my back, but I don’t turn around to acknowledge it. I’ve got a few things I need to do before this lunch and one of them is work out how the hell I’m going to let Lilly down gently.
My mother taught me you never show up at someone’s home for a meal empty-handed. I do enjoy baking sweets, although I don’t really get time much to do it. I want to show Lilly my skills. I make a mean batch of red velvet cupcakes. I’m not sure the kids will appreciate them, so I’ll whip up a set of plain chocolate and vanilla ones. Besides, I need a distraction this morning to stop me overthinking Lilly and the lunch with her whole family today. It’s easy to pretend when there are just a few people around, but being with all the couples and kids I have a feeling is just going to add to my confusion.
If there is one thing I’ve seen since meeting all of Lilly’s family, it’s how close they are. They may bicker and stir each other up and push all the buttons. But their love and protection of each other is far stronger than the annoyance that you get from siblings. The strength they have as a family unit helped us all get through that awful night, where we thought we’d lost Xavier. No matter what, they will always be there for each other. That is what I will be missing out on by not marrying or having my own children. That unconditional love. I get it from my parents, but I’ll never be able to feel it with my own family I create.
I need to stick to the plan. It’s for the best.
My phone chimes while I’m trying to get the volume of batter in each casing even, so the batch all looks the same. I almost ignore it, but when it chimes a second time, I give in. Setting down the bowl and spoon, I see it’s from my Sergeant. Shit, I hope this isn’t what I think it is.
Reading the text, my heart sinks. Monday is the day.
So, this is it.
Tonight is my last night with Lilly.
This will be a night neither of us will ever forget.
I can guarantee it.
I should break her loose before tonight, but there’s no way I can do that.
Being the selfish bastard I am, I’ll take my fill, and tomorrow we say goodbye.
Tomorrow I break her heart, and maybe mine too.
Chapter Nineteen
Lilly
Grabbing our bags from the lockers in the changeroom, I still don’t know if I should ask her or not. I don’t even know if I’ll be able to do it. It’s not like I’ve been down this path before. Shopping off the internet is different. Will she even cope with it if I take her?
“Lilly, what’s wrong, you’re staring off into space, it’s not like you.” Lesh is standing in front of me looking worried. I nervously look around to see if we’re on our own. I’m trying to work out how to ask her.
“Seriously, Lil, are you okay?”
Taking a deep breath, I try to think but it’s too late, I just blurt it out.
“I want you to come shopping now with me to an adult sex shop.” I don’t know what to do or where to look. I’m supposed to be the confident one and yet I feel like a little kid waiting for a reaction from my parent for saying something naughty.
Oh god, please say something. I’m dying here.
Finally, she goes to open her mouth then closes it.
Her cheeks redden and then she starts to giggle. Not like a little laugh but a full giggle, with tears running down her cheeks.
“Well, that’s not the reaction I was expecting but okay.” I’m still at a loss as to what her answer is. “Can you at least say yes or no?” I ask a little huffily.
“I don’t even know how to answer that. I have so many questions.” Still trying to catch her breath, I’m getting more frustrated at Alesha. My embarrassment is showing and my sister who’s supposed to be the quiet one can’t stop laughing at me.
“Answer first and then questions come later.”
Sensing my irritation, she tries to pull herself together. “I’ve never done that before, I’m not sure, Lilly. Won’t it be embarrassing?”
I knew I should have just done this on my own. “Don’t worry about it. Forget I said anything.”
Alesha reaches out and puts her hand on my arm. “I didn’t say I wouldn’t go, it’s just way out of my comfort zone. But if you need me to go with you, I will. As long as you promise not to tease me for my red face, and don’t ask me to touch anything. Got it?” She looks as nervous as hell but finally I feel like I can start to relax a little.
“Thank you, I won’t embarrass you, I promise. Just so you know, I’ve never been to one either. We’ll pop our sex-shop cherries together.”
Alesha groans as she drops her head into her hands. “I can’t believe I’m agreeing to this. Xavier is going to think this is hilarious.”
“Wait. We don’t need to tell him. Let’s just keep this between us girls.”
Her face tells me she’ll struggle with a secret. “Lilly, why are we shopping at a sex shop?”
I don’t know how much to tell her. I’m the one she’s always complaining about the oversharing of my sex life. Here I’m having the biggest crisis with my feelings, in a ‘non’ relationship with her fiancé’s best friend and I’m not supposed to say anything. It’s Alesha, though, I need to talk to someone, and she is the most trustworthy person I know. It’s not really fair to ask her to keep it from Xavier, but I need to tell her. I’m getting close to exploding.
Double-checking we’re still the only ones in here, I sit down on the seat and she follows me.
“You have to promise not to tell anyone this. Especially Xavier. He’s like the queen of gossip.” I pause for a moment. She looks worried because I’m never this serious. There’s no easy way to do this, I just need to say it quickly.
“Kane and I are sleeping together. A friends-with-benefits arrangement. No at
tachment or feelings. Which is why we aren’t telling anyone. Just a bit of fun. Hence the trip to the sex shop. I want to buy something for us for our fun times.” It all comes out fast and without taking a breath. For the first time ever, I can feel my cheeks blushing talking to Alesha.
“I knew it. I tried to tell Xavier and he said no way, Kane would’ve told him. I can’t believe it. Why the friends-with-benefits thing? You like him more than that. I can tell by the look on your face right now. Besides, this is the first time you’ve kept a guy from me. You’re playing this one close to your chest, aren’t you? You don’t want to lose him, so you agreed to this.”
I can’t help but giggle. “You read me so well, sis. But the only thing you got wrong is, it was my idea for the arrangement. Kane doesn’t do relationships. The sex the first night was out of this universe. You know I like a good night of hot sex, but with him the connection, it was so much more. I can’t even describe it. He makes me feel things. I wanted another night, and you know me, I’m not looking to be tied down either. What I wasn’t expecting, though, is the emotions he’s brought out in me. Oh Lesh, what have I done?” I lay my head back against the wall and close my eyes. I feel her hand on my leg for comfort.
“Why don’t we go and grab breakfast somewhere first and chat. Xavier is busy all morning with training clients, so I’m all yours.” I turn and hug her tightly. I didn’t realize how much I needed this. Just to be able to talk about Kane and everything going through my head. Thank god for my big sister.
We chat about general things while we order our food and wait for the coffee. I definitely haven’t had enough caffeine yet to get me up and buzzing. Just seeing Kane at the gym has me feeling tingly. The waitress places our coffee orders in front of us. Alesha takes a sip and then she turns to me.
“Right, start at the beginning, and I can’t believe I’m saying this to you, don’t leave out any details. Within reason, of course.” Not sure she really wants all the details and I, for the first time, don’t want to share everything either.
I give her the abridged version which has her gasping and gaping at different times. Imagine what she would’ve done had I told her the detailed version.
“It hit me last night when he called me, that this has already gone past everything we promised each other it wouldn’t. I tried to ask him, but he shut me down and told me to concentrate on what we agreed. It upset me, even though I get it. It’s his form of denial, I just wanted a little bit of acknowledgement from him that he’s feeling similar things. It’s just so confusing. One minute he’s pushing to keep my in the fuck-buddy zone and then this morning calls me his! What the hell am I supposed to think?”
“Well, I think that shows you exactly what you’re wanting to know. He’s feeling it too. His boundaries that he set up a while ago are now being tested and he isn’t sure how to deal with that. I get it, I was exactly the same with Xavier. I was so scared to let my guard down and I didn’t even have as many issues as Kane. Just be patient with him. Let him get there in his own time. He’s a good guy, and I know from what Xavier says, he deals with a lot of heavy stuff through his job.”
“I know, he loves his job. I have a feeling, though, that his job will always be what will comes between us. I just need to convince him that he can have both. I’m tougher than he thinks and can cope with his life no matter how he chooses to live it.
“Besides, I’m not giving up that hot fucking body and the best sex I’ve ever had without a fight.” Alesha just shakes her head at me and we both laugh at each other.
We take a break when the waitress arrives with our food and places it down. Just talking it all out with Alesha has helped me to calm my mind and see with a bit of clarity what I need to do. I’ll show Kane that he can’t live without me. He thinks he’s seen his Red as a little vixen? Well, he ain’t seen nothing yet.
“Right, time to get moving. We have some serious shopping to do at the sex shop. Wipe that bashfulness off your face, Lesh. Time to pull our big girl pants up and lose our virginity in the world of sex toys. Are you excited?” We walk out to the car with Alesha trailing behind me.
“Not exactly,” I hear her mumble.
“Come on, lighten up. It’s going to be fun. You might even find something you like.”
“Lilly, I told you to leave me out of this. I’m just here for moral support. That’s all.” She rolls her eyes at me as I start to perk up and fidget in my seat.
“We’ll see about that.” I shine my innocent little-sister smile at her.
“What have I gotten myself into?” She just shakes her head at me.
“I don’t know, but they probably have plenty of things for you to get yourself into.”
“Lilly, I’m warning you.” She smacks my leg and then lets out a little quiet giggle. I think deep down she’s a little curious, just no way will she admit it. This is going to be fun and take my mind off the worry.
I feel like a kid in a candy shop!
So much to look at, to touch and explore.
It’s like a department store full of sin. Aisle after aisle. This could take a while.
Alesha is walking slowly behind me, head down. Making sure she doesn’t make eye contact with anyone.
I have no idea what some of these weird-looking things are. I want to ask someone for help, but I know Alesha would kill me. Every time I stop to investigate anything, she just looks at me with a stare that says put it down.
In the background, all we can here are the sounds of sex and moaning from the television screens up on the wall around the edge of the shop, all playing different porno movies. Multiple partners, same sex couples. I nudge Alesha to get her to look up. As soon as she sees the screen with the foursome of three males and a female, she drops her head straight away. I promised I wouldn’t laugh at her but I’m biting my tongue to achieve that.
Looking towards the back of the shop, there’s a display running the full length of the shop of the big-ticket items.
“Damn, Lesh, look at that swing thing. Imagine if Xavier turned up with one of those at home for you. Bet you would die.”
“Do not even joke about it. He would never even think about it.” Alesha frowns.
“Well, you don’t know, maybe he does think about it, he’s just not game to buy it for you. Or he could get you one of those wood things over there on the wall with the restraints on it. That would look great in his gym. I know, maybe you could convert it into a playroom.” I can’t help myself. She’s getting redder by the second and it’s so funny. Well, for me anyway.
“Oh my god, Lilly, I warned you. I knew I couldn’t trust you. I’m going over there to look at the lingerie where it’s safe. Let me know when you’re ready to leave. In case you get lost, the handcuff section we are apparently looking for is in the next aisle. See if you can manage to just buy what we came for, minus the swing and whatever the hell that scary thing is. You have fifteen minutes and then I’m leaving without you.” She storms off over to the other side of the shop as I’m calling out to her to check out the vibrators on the way past. I don’t think my sister will ever come shopping with me again. Although, it has given me plenty of suggestions for wedding night presents.
I don’t know why I haven’t been here before. This is my kind of shop.
I’m not interested in the hardcore things but there are lots of fun things that take my fancy to come back here one day to purchase for a try. Maybe next trip I’ll come on my own.
I pick out a pair of handcuffs that are red and black leopard print, lined on the inside with a soft red fur. As much as I like the sound of using Kane’s police-issue metal ones, I’m scared of having marks on my arms and having to explain to my dad and brothers where they came from. I can’t wait to surprise Kane with these tonight. He wanted fun, so I’m going to give him much more than the average fun.
Heading to the checkout, I manage to pick up a couple of other little treats, some for him and the others are definitely for me. I can’t deny that. I
can feel the tingling down below at the thought of trying them out.
My shy sister is standing just past the counter trying really hard to hide the bag she has in her hand. I’m dying to know what she bought. But I decide I’m just going to let her be and feel excited that she’s trying something new with Xavier. Then again, maybe it’s something for herself, and if it is, then I’m cheering her on.
She doesn’t say much in the car on the way home or ask to see what I purchased. It’s like she thinks if she doesn’t speak, it’ll avoid any conversation that may embarrass her. I love her so much, she is such a special soul.
Blocking out thinking of Alesha and her purchase, my mind starts focusing on my night ahead. Wondering how Kane will react when I pull out the cuffs. His favorite color will get him started and then realizing, by letting him use these, that I’m agreeing to submit to his will, this is going to bring out the wolf.
What he’s wanted all along.
To control me.
I wish I could turn up at his place right now, but we have the family lunch, and my mother will hunt me down if I miss it. Sitting in the middle of all my family with Kane there is going to be sheer torture. Now with Alesha knowing, she’ll be giving me sneaky looks and watching us like hawks. Then again, Mom will be all over her obsessing about wedding planning so maybe I’ll get a reprieve.
Being so close to him and not being able to touch him is going to suck. I’m used to him having his hands all over me all the time we’re together. If I’m smart, though, I can use it to my advantage. I might struggle with the no touching, but just imagine how hard it will be for Kane. Time to look through the wardrobe for the perfect outfit and shoes. If I play my cards right, by the time we get to his place tonight, I won’t even make it past the front door before he has me stripped and moaning.
Shit, now I’m thinking about him touching me and that’s not going to help me for the next few hours.