by Karen Deen
This is going to get messy, I can just feel it.
Shit.
I’m not sure I can stop what I’ve started, though.
From the way Kane acted this morning, he’s not ready to either.
My bed just isn’t cutting it tonight.
There’s something missing.
The big comfy pillows, and the white-and-gold patterned quilt that’s wrapped around me doesn’t feel snug. The soft mattress feels lumpy.
I just can’t seem to settle. I’ve been lying here for three hours and sleep is not even close. I’ve tried, scanning my social media, watching Netflix, closing my eyes and listening to a podcast. I even resorted to a meditation sleep app on my phone. Nothing is helping.
It just feels all wrong and I have no idea why.
Well, that’s not entirely true. I have an inkling but I’m definitely not admitting to myself that spending a night in Kane’s bed, wrapped in his arms, has ruined me for every night without.
Nope, definitely not admitting his smell on his shirt I’m wearing tonight keeps taunting me and making me dream of where I’d rather be.
I’m punishing myself but I don’t care.
Screw it. The clock says twelve fifteen am but it’s a Friday night so that’s not late. Well, technically it’s a Saturday morning but hey, that’s just being picky.
Lilly: You awake?
Kane: Nope, sleep texting.
Lilly: Sorry, go back to sleep.
Kane: I’m joking. Yes, I’m awake. What’s up?
Lilly: Really? Do you want to answer that?
Kane: Was an innocent question but if you want to go there already, then he’s getting there.
Lilly: Haha. Since you asked, I can’t sleep.
Kane: Obviously, so you need me to help with that?
Lilly: No, I’m just bored and need company.
Kane: Note to self. Lilly has no humor when she’s tired. Good to know.
Lilly: Yes, and it will pay to remember that. Why is your bed so comfy?
Kane: Ummm, didn’t realize it was. It’s just a regular bed.
Lilly: No, it has something extra.
Kane: Yes, one hot studly cop
Lilly: The ego! But yes, I’ll admit you’re right.
Kane: I miss you being here too, Red.
I don’t know how to reply to that. It seems too intimate for what we’re supposed to be doing.
Kane: Where’d you go?
Kane: Red?
Kane: Lilly, are you there?
Why do I feel stuck on talking to him? I’m frozen looking at my screen as the messages pop up in front of me. I startle when it starts ringing in my hand. I know if I don’t answer this he’ll start freaking out. Swiping to answer, I just sit silent.
“Lilly, are you okay? What’s wrong?”
How do I say to him that I’m freaking out because I know I’m falling in love with him and it will never be returned?
“Goddammit, Lilly, if you don’t answer me, I’m on my way over there right now!” His voice is starting to sound panicked.
“Kane,” I whisper
“Lil, what’s wrong?” His voice has changed to the gentle one that always calms me.
“Where is this going?” I wait through the moment of silence.
“Don’t do this, Lil, we both know that’s not what we wanted.”
But what if ‘wants’ change? What if wants also become needs. The type of needs you feel lost without.
“I know. I’m sorry. I must need sleep,” I start to try to back out of the conversation. “Or stupid hormones. Don’t worry about it. I should go and let you sleep.”
“It’s hard, I know. You aren’t the only one, but we need to stick to what we agreed. It’s the only way it can work. Let’s just have fun.” The conversation pauses again as we’re both battling with our thoughts. I need to get on top of this, otherwise I’ll lose him. I’d rather hide my feelings than lose what we have.
“Yeah, let’s have fun,” I mumble
“Wow. Don’t sound so keen. Don’t you think I’m a funny guy?” I know he’s trying to make me laugh and lighten up, it’s just I’m struggling.
“No. Not a chance. Cheeky, definitely.” Starting to find a way out of the melancholy I’m feeling, I try to throw back at him. “When did we have fun?”
“Oh, you did not just say that. You are in big trouble, Red. Big, big trouble!” He roars laughing down the phone.
“Why, what are you going to do? Spank me for being naughty?” I can do this. I can be the vixen and keep the touchy, feely Lilly locked away.
“You have no idea what you’re in for tonight, Red. No fucking idea how much fun, punishment and hardcore fucking we’re doing. All while you’re cuffed, helpless on my bed. The one you’re desperate to get into again. Let’s see after tonight how much you love my bed. Be prepared to come like you’ve never come before.” The wolf has shown up now, and all my worries are squashed. He always takes me to a place where I don’t need to think. Kane is in control and that’s what I love.
I never imagined I would want to be dominated sexually but he has awoken something deep in my soul.
Now I can’t imagine my life without Kane, my Wolf, and the places he takes me, and the pleasure he gives me there.
If this is all I can have then I’ll happily take it.
I’ll be his Red.
Chapter Eighteen
Kane
This is why I don’t do relationships. This shit plays with your head and has you strung up tighter than you imagined. I feel like my balls are in a vice, and every time I see Lilly, she just turns the handle a few more twists. That woman could have me on my knees saying yes ma’am if she really knew how much she affects me. I tried to steer her away from the mushy thoughts last night, and back to the hot sexual feelings we stir in each other. Ending the phone call with her screaming my name and my hand firmly attached to my cock while I make a mess was one hell of a distraction.
The trouble with pushing our sexual connection to new heights is that there are these underlying feelings we’re both trying to deny. To be honest, I’m the one denying them and even worse I know the time is coming where I’m going to have to step away and that’s going to be tough. I’ve got to keep reminding her this is just a bit of fun.
Fuck buddies.
That’s what we are. That’s all we can be.
“Oh, shit. What’d you do that for?” I stop running on the treadmill and rub the back of my head where Xavier has just whacked me.
“Because whoever the chick is you’re dreaming about, she must really have you on the hook. I called you three times and you just ignored me. You’re warm enough, now get over to the punching ball and give me ten minutes going through the normal routine.”
I walk over to where he’s pointing, trying to clear my head.
“So, who is she, anyway? You’ve been a bit quiet this week. Haven’t seen you much. Too busy buried in pussy?” His stupid grin tells me he’s baiting and ding, ding, ding he’s a winner.
“Don’t you ever talk about Lilly like that!” I growl and then it hits me. Oh fuck, what’ve I done.
Xavier looks at me stunned, slowly blinking three times.
“Holy fuck. You’re fucking Lilly, aren’t you? You sneaky, little rat.”
“Don’t you dare tell anyone and that includes Alesha. Got it?” I’m literally yelling at him while I’m mentally smacking myself around the back of the head. “No one can know. There are things happening that are about to make this messy.” Now I’m rambling like a girl. “I just can’t explain everything, but please, I need you to keep this to yourself. She’ll kill me.”
Xavier has gone from shock, to laughing, to a serious face, trying to work out what the hell I’m going on about.
“You need to take a breath, man, and slow down. I think we need to skip the session in here and grab a coffee and walk. You have some explaining to do and I have a feeling some work shit to get off your chest too. We can’t do i
t in here. Let’s go.” Not taking no for an answer, he’s pushing me towards the café to grab our coffees.
All I can think about is Lilly and how she’s going to be pissed that Xavier knows. He just caught me off guard on a morning where my head’s messed up. I should know better. My job depends on me never saying things without thinking about what’s coming out of my mouth. Do that sort of thing on the job and you can get someone killed. Or even yourself for that matter. Maybe he’s right. I need to unload some of this to straighten out my head. I just don’t know if it’s even possible where Lilly is concerned. She has barreled in there and is digging in her fuck-me heels and wants to stay. She doesn’t plan on going anywhere. God help me.
We walk the first five minutes without a word between us. Xavier knows what I need. Space to filter and then I purge what needs to come out. Maybe I was meant to blurt that out before. Time to unload, which I haven’t done in a while.
“Okay, so like I said, you can’t tell anyone but yes, Lilly and I are having a bit of fun. No attachment, just a friends-with-benefits thing. Mutually beneficial without the bullshit of a relationship.”
“You’re fuck buddies then?” When Xavier says that it makes my skin crawl, yet I’ve been saying it all along and thinking it’s funny.
“Watch it.” I’m giving him that look. The one that he knows means back off.
“Pretty touchy for no attachment. Just saying.”
“You’re so frigging hilarious, aren’t you? I was stupid enough to think I could do it. But you’ve seen her. You know what she’s like. Holy shit, man!” I gulp down another mouthful of coffee, seeing all these visions of Lilly running through my head like a movie reel. “She is so hot and, man, the sex is out of this world. I never expected to feel like this. You know how I feel about relationships. I’m too fucked-up in the head to be the man I should be, to any woman. I don’t have the safety and stability to give anyone. Plus, no one deserves to know the dark shit in my head. Only you get that privilege.” I slap him on the back as he starts laughing at me.
“Yeah, and I’m going to start charging you by the hour before long. My couch has your name plaque already attached to it.” I know he’s joking but I do feel guilty sometimes for the amount I unload on him. After this undercover operation, it might be time I find myself a professional therapist so I can save my best friend from carrying my burdens.
“You’re not worth paying more than the beers I turn up with.” We both smile and keep walking a bit farther. I could use more coffee to get through this. Why is it I don’t find it hard talking to him about some really awful things I see and do, yet I’m finding talking about Lilly the hardest conversation of all.
“We had this night in New York which led to Lilly coming up with the friends-with-benefits deal. That night was one neither of us could let go of and wanted more. I knew she was trouble, I mean, look at her, she just oozes it. I don’t know what I was thinking. I laid out my rules and made her promise she wouldn’t get attached.” Running my hand through my hair, I know I’ve fucked this up.
“Told her I just want fun. Oh yeah, the funny thing is, the joke’s on me. She’s making me feel things I have never felt before. I’m thinking about things that I scrubbed off my life plan years ago. I can’t get her out of my head, man. Is this what it’s like with Alesha?” I hear his feet stop and turn back to look at him.
“You are in big trouble, my friend. It’s written all over your face. You’re falling for her, aren’t you?”
“Fuck no!” I turn to walk away and then stop. Who the hell am I trying to kid? This is Xavier who knows me better than I know myself. Shit. He slowly walks up and stands beside me.
“I know that petrifies you. Can I tell you this, though? From the moment Ally stole my heart, I have never looked back. My life has become so much more. I can’t even describe it. But I’ve got a feeling you finally know what I mean.” Xavier guides me to a park bench so we can just sit and chat about this properly, without me running away from what I’m feeling.
“How is Lilly with this whole thing?”
“Falling just as hard. I see it in her eyes, I hear it in her voice, and I feel it in her touch. But she’s just as scared as I am to admit it. Plus, she doesn’t even know the half of it.” I drop my face into my hands. Here comes the painful part.
“What do you mean, man?” Xavier sounds confused and I get that. This whole thing is crazy.
“This is the exact reason I never wanted to be with anyone. Here’s the kicker to this story. Any day now, I’ll be going undercover again and don’t know for how long. It’s to do with this case I’m working on that we think has merged into another one. I can’t tell you much and you have to keep the fact I’m going undercover to yourself. This is top secret even in my station. I think they must feel there’s a cop involved somewhere. Anyway, let’s just say I have no choice but to tell Lilly it’s over. She can’t be with me while I’m working this case and she can’t know where I am. It’s fucked, Xav. I’m going to break her heart. I already know that. I should have backed off straight away, but I just can’t. I’m selfish and want to have every last minute I can get with her, before she never wants to see me again.”
“What makes you think she won’t come around when you finish the case, or can’t you tell her to wait for you?” His thoughts are good but will never work.
“I wish it were that easy. No one can know I’m undercover. Plus, I’m damn sure once she finds out where I’ve been working, she won’t want to touch me.”
“What makes you so certain?”
“Because I’m going undercover into sex clubs, and if needed, I may have to get involved in the activities if we’re getting close to the suspect. How do you think she’ll cope with that?” I sigh with some relief that I’m finally able to talk to someone about what’s been weighing on my chest.
“With a knife, and it will involve her cutting your dick off, then stringing you up by your balls on a flagpole. Holy shit, Kane, what have you gotten yourself into?”
“A whole world of hurt, Xav, a whole world of hurt!” We sit there for a few minutes just processing everything that’s been said. I need to ask him one question that is important to me. “Promise me one thing?” He looks at me waiting. “You’ll look after her while she’s hurting and keep her safe while I’m gone?” I need to know that someone is watching her.
“That’s a given, man, but you need to promise me one thing too. Actually, two things. First, that you’ll be careful and stay safe. Don’t take unnecessary risks and if it gets bad, then get out. Not worth your life for some other deadbeat’s life. The second one is, you better promise me that you will be back for the wedding. I can’t get married without my best man.” We exchange the love that we share but we don’t often mention. “I mean it, Kane. I need you, buddy, don’t get hurt. Understand?” It’s the first time in a long time he’s gotten forceful with me. We have that brief man hug that means more than both of us will ever put into words.
“Promise on both counts. I didn’t save your ass on that mountain to miss you handing over your balls to Ally. I’ll be there. No matter what.” We both start to laugh. This whole situation is so crazy you just have to laugh it off. Who would even imagine an undercover operation involving nightly visits to sex clubs? A month ago, being single, I would have thought I’d won the lottery with this assignment. Now all I can see is a whole world of hurt.
“How long do you think you’ve got before you’ll get the call?”
“Could be days, could be weeks, or even tomorrow, but let’s hope they catch the bastard before I’m needed.”
“When are you going to tell her?”
“No idea. It’s not easy. Every time I think about doing it or what I’ll say to her, I just get pissed off instead. I just end up seeing her happy when we’re together. My next vision is one of heartbreak and it makes me feel devastated that I’ll be the cause.”
“You know the longer this goes on, the harder it’ll be for yo
u and the more heartbreak there’ll be for her.” He’s looking like the expert therapist he certainly isn’t. Xavier glances at his watch and starts to move.
“Sorry, man, I have to get back to the gym. Ally and Lilly are due in for their personal training session. I can cope with Ally if I’m late, but Lilly scares the hell out of me. Good luck to you, I say.”
Laughing, we head back to the gym at a light jog.
“Yeah, I’m going to need it. I think you should be more worried about my safety with Lilly, than when I’m undercover. At least I have a gun to protect myself when I’m working. My balls are already shriveling up inside trying to hide from her.”