by Flynn, Poppy
That was when he felt it.
Like someone had just punched him in the gut, causing enough pain to double him over.
She was there, had been there all the time. She obviously just didn't want to see him.
Their eyes met and clung for several long seconds until Xavier wrenched his gaze away and forced himself to turn around and carry on walking as if his heart hadn't been wrenched out of his chest and hurled onto the ground then trampled into the dust along with that small kernel of hope.
She may not have said the actual words, but Grace had spoken to him loud and clear.
There was nothing left for him here, after all.
* * *
Grace's eyes widened as she saw Xavier looking straight at her. For a moment, she was tempted to run after him, but sheer obstinacy made her hold her ground. It was up to the man to do the running as far as she was concerned. And Xavier needed to do just that if he wanted to convince her that she should bother speaking to him again, regardless of how much she missed him.
Except, as their eyes clung, she saw and was shocked by the brief flash of hurt she saw in his.
She sucked in a sharp breath, ready to tell her admin to let Xavier back in when he turned around and came back for her, but suddenly, whatever it was that she thought she'd seen in his eyes was quickly replaced, his eyes going hard and his mouth firming into a hard line, and Grace couldn't help feeling like she'd lost something precious.
She broke his gaze and headed for the door. What the hell was wrong with her? All she had wanted was some kind of sign that she meant something to him. Something that proved he was willing to fight for their relationship as much as she was, now that she'd had the chance to calm down and think through her actions.
But she'd fucked up all over again, because he had come, just like she'd wanted him to. And instead of greeting him with open arms, instead of even talking things over like the mature woman she prided herself as being, she'd had him sent away.
She wrenched open the main entrance door and raced down the steps, almost stumbling in her high-heeled shoes in her haste, but it was too late. All she could see of Xavier was the pungent, grey plume of exhaust fumes that his car left as he gunned the engine and raced away from her.
Oh, God! What had she done?
As a feeling of desolation and loss swept over her, Grace was left with the certain knowledge that pride was an exceptionally cold bedmate.
Chapter 15
Xavier sat, subdued, in his practice office and studied the letter that had come across his desk that morning for what must be the tenth time.
It wasn't like him to be so distracted on a workday, but today wasn't any normal workday…well, not any more anyway.
Looking over the correspondence one more time, he realised that the words had simply started to blur together into a black and white filament of nothingness. But it didn't matter. He could probably recite the entire page word for word without having to look at it.
Bringing it back into focus, he tried to decide how he felt about the information it imparted and pretended that the subtle quiver of the paper wasn't his hand shaking.
Here was something else he wasn't quite comfortable with, but something which had reared its head more and more in the weeks since he had last seen Grace.
Sighing, he knew there was no way around having to deal with the reality, regardless of how he felt about it.
Grace had apparently changed her GP details to his practice when she had come here that first time, something Xavier was still kicking himself at missing. He would have advised her against it, or at least had her placed on one of his colleague's lists, if he'd realised.
Now Xavier was being asked, as her registered doctor, to provide medical and psychological comment on her suitability to join a donor programme that would enable her to have the baby that she so craved.
Obviously, she was determined to go ahead with her plan to have a child, even if she wasn't in an ideal family situation, just as she said she would.
Well, there was no real surprise there, but Xavier found he didn't like the odd sensations that were pinging through his chest at the thought of Grace continuing on with a life that didn't include him.
He might have been doing his best to avoid dissecting how he felt about it all, but now, it seemed there was no place to hide any more.
Sadness: that was the first thing that ran through his mind at the idea of Grace moving forward without him. There was no denying that he had wanted her in his life.
She may have spurned him and decided that theirs was a relationship which was no longer worth pursuing, but that didn't mean that his own feelings were quite that easy to switch off.
Was Grace having the same kinds of misgivings? he wondered morosely. Did she sit at night and wonder 'what if', just like he did, whenever he found himself not working himself into a hefty enough state of exhaustion. The type where he wasn't capable of doing anything except crumpling into a puddle of weariness at the end of a manic day, the bone-weary kind of tiredness that stopped him from doing anything else but sleep.
Xavier knew he had been using his work as a crutch, with the deliberate intention of not having time to think about any of the realities that were going on around him. But now, things had finally caught up with him and he knew he was finally going to have to face the situation head on, whether he liked it or not.
Slapping his hand down on the intercom, he did something that he had never even considered in all the years in which he had been practicing.
"Penny," he said to his receptionist. "Something important has come up and I'll need you to cancel all of my appointments for the rest of the day."
"Certainly, Dr. Diaz," came the brisk reply. If she was surprised, then she was far too professional to say anything.
He tried to busy himself by filling out the necessary paperwork for Grace's treatment, but every time he tried to concentrate, he found himself hobbled by the intensity of his own feelings toward the proposal.
Damn it, none of this was right. He didn't want her to have children without a support system in place.
And that had nothing to do with being selfish. Quite the opposite, in fact. The thought of Grace bringing a child up on her own, with no partner to share the load, with no extended family to support her, simply didn't sit well with him.
He didn't want to think about her struggling all on her own through night-time feeds and bouts of colic or infant sickness without anyone there to share the burden, with no one available to give her a break when she was exhausted or suffering with the baby blues, or just plain needed a few precious moments to herself.
And it wasn't that he didn't think she would make a fantastic mother. Xavier already knew that she had a whole lot of love that she was just waiting to give and that she was mature enough and secure enough to provide a good, stable life for any child.
But when would she ever have any time for herself? Xavier certainly wasn't sexist enough to believe that she wouldn't need some down time. It was a basic thing that everyone needed in their life from time to time, no matter how together they thought they were. It was something that was innately necessary to maintaining a healthy and happy outlook in life. It brought Xavier's thoughts to his mother and the rest of his extended family, to how close they were and how they were always there for each other, chipping in and helping out with enthusiasm and good spirits. Family was the fundamental core ethos to Latino cultures like his own. Sure as hell, his mother and his ninety-year-old grandmother both lamented loud and expressively about the fact that he had yet to settle down and gift them with yet another generation to add to their already bursting clan, as if there weren't enough already.
And how was Grace going to get her kink fix? It wasn't that long ago that she had ended up in A&E, trying her best to disguise the wounds the lashes had left on the silky soft skin of her body.
Like him, what Grace craved was a good play session in order to wind down from the stresses of the day. The
y might be peculiar in their choice of kink, and others may not understand the mind set, but for people like him and Grace, this was their way of relaxing.
Where was she going to find that now? Because she sure as hell couldn't go off for hours during an evening with a young baby, without some kind of support system in place.
He knew she hadn't been back to Club Risqué since their break up. Not that he had been, either, if he was entirely honest. The idea of scening with anybody other than Grace just didn't do anything for him. Instead, he had thrown himself into his work, and when Micah had contacted him and asked if everything was all right, he had used his work as an excuse and continued to do so. But he also knew from that short contact that Grace hadn't been back either.
Was she staying away because of him? Had she gone back to her old club and the dumb fucks there who couldn't work out how to tap into her deep well of masochistic affinity with anything more than a brutal beating? The mere thought turned his stomach.
Was all that soft, creamy skin once again marred with a violence that had less to do with true sadism and more to do with sheer savagery? Xavier had to forcibly wrench his mind away from the idea of her scening with somebody else before he gave in to the sudden impulse to punch something.
Everything that jumbled around in his head just brought up more and more questions. None of which seemed to have any answers, except those that pertained to his own feelings. There were answers there. He just didn't like them.
And as there was nothing he could do about them, since Grace had made it clear that she didn't want to see him anymore, then there was little point in pursuing them. The only direction left for them to take was a direct route to heartache.
The real problem was that Xavier had realised, after a whole lot of soul searching, that he was most definitely in love with her. And what the hell was he supposed to do with that now that she had discarded him?
He had tried his best to put things right, to tell her that he was willing to explore their relationship and see just where it might take them. But since she had cut him dead, there was no suitable outlet for all the uncomfortable feelings swirling around in his head. If he dwelled on them too much, he thought they might just drive him crazy, because what he was left with was a whole lot of unwanted emotions that he had nowhere to channel. Even the club was lost to him, because he couldn't bear the thought of being there without her.
They might not have had the longest of times together, but it had made a lasting impact on his life. And there was nothing more he could do with all of the pent-up affections he was harbouring, except hope that one day they might become bearable.
Or was there?
Xavier considered the forms in front of him for a little longer.
The idea of another man, even a faceless donor, being the father to Grace's children was abhorrent to him. So much so, that Xavier realised in that moment, that despite the current state of their relationship—or lack of one—he wanted those children to be his. It was a stunning revelation and not one that he had expected, but the more he thought about the idea, the more it took root in his mind.
Telephoning the contact number on the paperwork in front of him, Xavier made a life changing decision. It might have been considered spur of the moment, and it might never even come to fruition, but to him, it made complete sense.
As he placed the phone back in its cradle once the call had been made, Xavier found that he felt more at peace with himself than he had since Grace had walked out of his life.
* * *
Grace hung up the phone with a visibly shaking hand and tried to make sense of all the information she had just been given. Her heart was hammering at a hundred miles an hour and it felt like it was going to burst completely out of her chest.
But what did all of this mean exactly?
Well, she knew, in theory, what it meant. But what about the intention behind it? How was she supposed to read the wholly unexpected offer that had come her way? Perhaps the only way to know for sure was to go directly to the source.
She wasn't quite sure how she felt about seeing Xavier again. In truth, she had forgotten that she had changed her GP details over to his practice. Now, that meant he would obviously be involved in the medical evaluation of her suitability as a candidate for the sperm donor programme.
He could have made things horribly awkward for her, she realised. But instead, he had extended…what? Was this an olive branch, perhaps? If it was, then it was one heck of a loaded one!
And it seemed that the only way she was going to get any answers was if she bit the bullet and got them straight from the horse's mouth.
There were so many times she had wanted to get in touch with him. But the dreadful way in which she had behaved always held her back. Instead, she had convinced herself that he wouldn't want to see her…and she wouldn't have blamed him.
She had treated him appallingly, in a purely defensive bid to stop herself from getting hurt. And in the process, all she had ended up doing was hurting herself even more. And him as well.
But now? It was almost looking like there might be a resolution after all. The question was, was she brave enough to take it?
* * *
Xavier hadn't been back very long. Having had the idea and spoken to the sperm bank that Grace was using, he had acted immediately on something that might very well turn out to be a completely crazy idea.
In truth, he was well aware that the only reason they had even entertained his hare-brained notion was because of his own impeccable medical credentials and the fact that he had a cursory, but solid relationship with the director of the facility.
Not that that had given him free access by any means. He had still had to argue, long and hard, in order for them to facilitate his proposal, and in turn, he had agreed that the only steps they would take would be to provide the raw information to Grace, as they would with any potential candidate, but provide the addition of a name, in his case, which was against normal protocol.
Most sperm donors obviously didn't want their identity to be revealed, for obvious reasons. But then Xavier wasn't most donors. He was providing a single sample—potentially—for a single candidate.
Grace would be provided with the information, along with all the other potential donors' she received for evaluation. The rest was up to her.
Now that he was back in his office, Xavier wished he hadn't cancelled all of his appointments, because suddenly, he had far too much time to think!
A commotion coming from the reception area caught his attention. He could hear someone shouting and banging on the security door that prevented people from just barging into his office and the consulting rooms.
An irate patient, no doubt, upset that his appointment had been cancelled on short notice. Sick people weren't always the most patient. Xavier was well aware of that. Pain made people rash and irritable and provoked them into acting in ways they wouldn't normally consider.
As he stood and rounded his desk to find out what was going on, his receptionist came hurrying through the door. "Dr. Diaz, I'm so sorry," she flustered. "The woman just wouldn't take no for an answer. It never occurred to me that she would barge her way—"
The words were cut off by the familiar, dulcet tones of a voice he knew all too well. "Hello, Xavier. I'm sorry I appear to be causing a problem, but I needed to see you and your receptionist refused, even though there isn't anyone else in the waiting room."
Xavier's eyes latched onto Grace and his breath stuttered. His brain short circuited and he just stood there, drinking her in like a man who was weathering a drought.
It seemed like forever before he got his wits about him again, though it was surely only a few brief seconds.
His receptionist was wringing her hands and threatening Grace with security, and Grace had a look of fierce determination on her face that said she wasn't budging.
Shaking himself mentally, Xavier took control of the situation. "Don't worry, Penny. It's fine," he addressed the f
retting woman soothingly. "I'll speak with Ms. Miller in my office."
He checked his watch. "It's almost time to close up anyway, and since there are no other appointments this afternoon, why don't you take an early day?" he suggested.
Penny looked at Grace suspiciously. It was clear she wasn't happy with the interloper, but the expression on her face also belied that the lure of an extra hour appealed to her.
Xavier acted on her indecision and directed Grace to his office, while he ushered Penny back toward the reception.
"Just put the latch on the main door so we don't get any unexpected walk-ins, and I'll lock up properly when I'm done," he instructed her decisively as he held out her coat and tried to curb his impatience.
Grace was right here with him, and his heart ached to find out what she was going to say.
There was a chance it wouldn't be what he wanted to hear, of course, but that small kernel of hope had somehow rejuvenated. It was alive and well and telling him that if she wasn't open to the gesture he had extended, then she most likely would just have ignored it, rather than acted on it.
As Penny closed the main clinic entrance door behind her, it was time for Xavier to face the music and find out once and for all whether there was any future for him and Grace. Or whether the new dreams he had dared to harbour were about to be scuppered once and for all.
Chapter 16
Grace sat anxiously perched on the edge of the visitor chair in Xavier's office, her knee jigging uncontrollably.
Now that the initial edge of determination and the subsequent burst of adrenaline from trying to get past his receptionist had worn off, all she was left with were nerves and a throat so dry, she wasn't sure she'd be able to speak.
Everything that had seemed so obvious and clear cut when she had made what must surely have been a somewhat rash decision, on the back of receiving the surprising call from the donor programme, she was now finding herself second guessing.