Soul Survivor

by I Beacham

  “I haven’t seen her since church service this morning, Joey. If I do, would you like me to say you’re looking for her?”

  “No, it’s okay. I’m just passing. I can catch her later.”

  Joey hated the forced casualness, as if there was no important reason to see her.

  Her heart was in her throat as she returned to her car. On an off chance, she phoned Neil and Miriam.

  Miriam answered. “Not here I’m afraid. We’ve got extended family with us this weekend, which I wouldn’t wish on my enemies, let alone people I love. Anything wrong?”

  “No. I just wanted to run something by her, but it can wait. It’s not an emergency.”

  Joey felt like she was going to implode. She was desperate to find Sam.

  She looked at her watch. It was nearly two o’clock. She headed for the vicarage.

  No one was there except Gloria who instantly felt she had to explain why she was present on a Sunday afternoon. Her Irish tones filled the kitchen with rhythm.

  “I wasn’t here at all on Friday as I’d a dental appointment in the morning, and an optician’s appointment in the afternoon. I didn’t have anything better to do today, so I thought I’d come over and change the bedding…which I normally do on the Friday.”

  Joey nodded politely as Gloria prattled on about the appointments and how she should have thrown in one for her hair and made it a complete day of fix me. Joey wanted to shake Gloria quiet and get her to tell her where Sam was.

  “Have you seen Sam?” she asked once Gloria shut up.

  “I saw her about one thirty when I arrived. She was just leaving.”

  “Do you know where she went?”

  “I do not. I only know she—” Gloria stopped mid-sentence, as though she didn’t want to say more.

  “What?”

  “Nothing. She just looked tired.”

  “Oh.”

  “I’d have left ten minutes ago, but I can’t find my glasses.” Gloria was prattling again, this time about her glasses. She was looking around the kitchen. Joey felt obliged to help her, but they didn’t find them.

  “Just as well I’m having a new pair,” Gloria said.

  Joey was stepping through the door to leave when Gloria stopped her. She started to say something but didn’t finish.

  “What is it, Gloria?”

  Gloria hesitated before she declared, “Nothing.”

  “You were about to say something.”

  Gloria shook her head. “No, it can wait.”

  “What can?”

  Gloria’s eyes narrowed. She donned what Sam affectionately called her clam look. Nothing would make her say more until she wanted to. Joey sighed and left. As she did, she noticed Sam’s bike was gone. Her heart sank. Sam could be anywhere. She’d never find her.

  She was just contemplating her next move when she spotted something on the ground by the bus stop. It was a pair of glasses. She picked them up and headed back to the vicarage.

  She knocked on the door again.

  “You’ve only just left,” Gloria said. “She still isn’t back.”

  Joey managed a smile. “Are your glasses gold rimmed?”

  “They are.”

  “Then these are yours.” She handed over the glasses and was heading back to the car when Gloria spoke.

  “Why are you looking for Sam?”

  “I need to talk to her.”

  Gloria frowned. “You know I like you, Joey, don’t you?”

  It was an odd statement that sent a chill through her. She waited for what was coming. The clam was opening.

  “I’m not a religious woman, and I’m not one for interfering in others’ lives. But don’t hurt Reverend Savage, Joey. She’s a special woman who does much for the people, regardless of their religious beliefs. She’s hugely respected…and I don’t want her getting hurt.”

  It was said in such a tender way, Joey reached out and placed a hand on Gloria’s arm. “I would never deliberately hurt Sam.”

  “I’m not saying you would, but…just be careful. Behind the clerical uniform, she’s a gentle type lacking in personal experience…you know what I mean. She fights in everybody else’s corner, but when it comes to her own battles, she’s got no suit of armor to protect her.”

  Gloria stared at Joey for a second before closing the door.

  As Joey drove away, she wondered what had happened that had made Gloria come out of her shell and give away how much she cared for Sam.

  Joey had to find Sam.

  *

  Sam rode the bike hard.

  A straight piece of road opened up in front of her that stretched way beyond, and she accelerated into it, feeling the power roar beneath her. Way ahead, she caught sight of a Sunday driver crawling along. She spotted the crest of the hill farther in the distance. Was there room to overtake, or should she drop speed until she was safely over the brow?

  Common sense and survival told Sam to play it safe and wait. It would add another ten seconds to her journey. But Sam wasn’t in the mood to be sensible, and she revved the bike and increased speed. She overtook the car, just missing an oncoming vehicle as it crested the hill. She caught the look of fear on the driver’s face, a man in a car with kids. Horns blew as she swerved onto her side of the road and left the scene behind.

  Undeterred by the close call, she rode on at speed, ignoring the voice in her head calling her an idiot and accusing her of trying to kill, if not herself, then others on the road. The shock brought her to her senses.

  She turned left, off the main road, and onto a quieter country lane where she dropped her speed and eventually pulled over into a lay-by. She removed her visor. She was shaking as she stared out across the fields and hedges.

  Sam hoped her bike ride would bring some peace and clarity, but it had been anything but a relaxing ride. All she could think about was Carrie opening Joey’s door wearing not very much, and the array of clothing all over the sitting room floor. Carrie’s voice was in her head again. She’s still asleep.

  Her cell phone buzzed inside her jacket. She unzipped it and removed the phone. There were several messages from Joey and some others. She put the phone back in her jacket. She waited another ten minutes before restarting the bike and heading back to the vicarage at a more sedate speed.

  When she got back, Gloria had gone.

  Sam was glad. She’d made a fool of herself earlier. Gloria had asked her a question twice, and Sam hadn’t been able to answer. Gloria had looked at her in alarm, asking what was wrong, but Sam had remained mute. It hadn’t really mattered. Gloria seemed to guess it had something to do with Joey and didn’t push further. When Sam left for her bike ride, she hadn’t even been able to say good-bye.

  This time Sam left the vicarage more in control of her emotions.

  She rode to Joey’s for the second time in the day. The first she’d been full of anticipation and nervous at having disappointed Joey. Now she felt nothing.

  When she got there, she could see Joey’s car was gone. She waited outside in the parking lot across the road.

  Eventually, Joey turned up. She spotted Sam immediately.

  Sam, still on her bike, waved her over.

  “What are you doing here?” Joey asked.

  Sam thought she saw relief on her face. It was the last emotion she expected to see.

  “I hear you’ve been looking for me,” Sam said.

  Joey looked confused.

  “You’ve been leaving clues all over the place. John rang from church…said you’d turned up. Then Miriam said you’d phoned. Gloria left me a note on the kitchen table saying you’d been there. You’ve been busy,” Sam said.

  “Aren’t you supposed to be doing evening prayers?”

  Joey’s concern for her schedule hardly seemed relevant, and Sam could only respond with a halfhearted smile.

  “Yes, but I couldn’t face it so I thought I’d test the system out and get someone to cover for me for a change.” She paused. “It works.”
/>   Sam’s success didn’t register on Joey’s pale face.

  “So, why are you looking for me?” Sam asked.

  “I’ve tried to phone you. I’ve left messages.”

  Sam had listened to all three voice mails asking her to ring back. She’d ignored them.

  “Why are you looking for me?” she repeated. Sam felt cold inside. She assumed it was shock. Her world was crushed.

  “Because you’ve got it all wrong. Because you left before I knew you were there…before I could explain,” Joey said.

  “What is there to explain? You slept with her.”

  “No, Sam. I didn’t.” Joey’s eyes never left hers as she shook her head. “I didn’t kiss her or hold her or whisper sweet nothings in her ear.” Joey straightened. “I know what you think you saw and what you think happened, but you’re wrong. I want to put this right. I want you to know what happened.” Joey shivered. “Can we discuss this inside?”

  “No.” Sam would hear Joey’s excuse and then leave.

  “Carrie called me yesterday afternoon and asked if I wanted to go out for dinner and then to a night club. I’m sure she had more on her mind than friendship. I told her I wasn’t looking for anyone and that I was already involved with someone. She accepted that and asked me out anyway. So we did. Just as friends.”

  “You’re telling me nothing happened?” Sam said.

  “I am. Sure, she came on to me once, but I made it clear I wasn’t interested. I told her to stop wasting her time. And do you know why, Sam? Because it isn’t what I want. Because she isn’t you. You’re who I want. You’re the one I love.”

  Sam watched as Joey ran a hand through her hair.

  “We spent time dancing in this really noisy, overcrowded club. I didn’t feel too good. It was hot so we stepped out the back to get some air. There was a group of guys there having some argument over who knows what. One of them struck a match to light a cigarette.” Joey paused. “Then do you know what happened? It must have been the smell of sulfur. I went into meltdown…a flashback. I was back in Syria as we were hit. All I can remember is falling to my knees and being violently sick. I created what you guys call a scene.”

  Sam saw the shame on her face.

  “And do you know what Carrie does?” Joey said. “This is the same Carrie who reminds me so much of my former self? She brings me home and puts me to bed. You know, I’m not sure because I don’t remember much after stripping off my vomit covered clothing in the sitting room…but yes, I think she slept with me. Slept. She was afraid I’d throw up again and choke to death. She lay beside me on the bed to make sure I was safe. Nothing happened, Sam. And why would it? Why would she want anything to do with me after a stellar performance like that? In your typical Brit reserved wording, Carrie conducted herself admirably. She made sure I was okay. What you saw…the scattered clothing on the floor, that wasn’t foreplay.

  “And my error in all of this? I shouldn’t have gone out with her in the first place, but I wasn’t thinking straight. I was feeling anxious and on edge. I kept thinking about things I just want to forget. One of the coping strategies the counselor told me was to get out and occupy my mind…to do something. I was feeling isolated, Sam. Frankly, the Harlem Gospel Choir of New York City could have invited me out, and I’d have gone.”

  The look on Joey’s face told her this was the truth. Sam groaned and dropped her head to rest on the handlebars. All that ridiculous angst she’d been through. It was misplaced. Joey had done nothing wrong. Far from it, Joey had suffered. Sam lifted her head and looked at her.

  “I leapt to the wrong conclusion.”

  “Yes, you did.”

  “I should have let you explain.”

  “Yes, you should, but the picture looked kinda skewed, didn’t it?” Joey said.

  Sam shook her head in disbelief. She was the one to feel ashamed, not Joey.

  “Oh, Joey, I’m sorry. Some minister I am. I’m supposed to see the good in people, not leap to conclusions, and not be judgmental. What a crap vicar I am.”

  “I’d never cheat on you, Sam.”

  Sam wished she could erase the entire day. “I’m sorry I’ve doubted you.”

  “You know my past. It was easy to connect the dots.” Joey was forgiving.

  Sam wasn’t the only one in shock. She saw Joey shivering, and her pale face was almost translucent. She hopped off the bike and grabbed Joey’s hand. “Let’s get you inside.”

  It warmed her when Joey smiled back at her.

  When they got to the door, Sam took her key out. It was the one Joey had given her.

  “Why didn’t you use it earlier?” Joey asked.

  Sam opened the door. “Because I felt bad for letting you down yesterday. It didn’t seem right.” Sam paused. “On reflection, be thankful. I’d have found Carrie on your bed and probably killed her. I’d now be on a murder charge.”

  “This is messy, isn’t it?” Joey said.

  Now Sam was shaking. “Joey, please forgive me. I’m an idiot.”

  Joey held her hand this time.

  “It’s okay.”

  “Are we okay?” Sam asked.

  Joey placed a light kiss on her forehead. “The greatest gains often come after the biggest hurdles.”

  “Who said that?”

  “Me. Just now,” Joey said.

  “Do you think we can avoid hurdles like this from now on?”

  “I’m game,” Joey said.

  Sam closed the door behind them and threw her arms around Joey.

  *

  Sam found Milo Granger in the admin office at the rear of St. Augustus church.

  He was a baldheaded man who wore dark-rimmed glasses. Short and wiry, he was unlike his son, Harry. Sam had only met Harry once. It was during her first year at St. Mary’s. He’d been staying with his parents when his marriage broke up. He was tall and had the muscular stature of a rugby player with broad shoulders and a thick neck. But he’d ended up no sportsman. Until medically discharged, he’d been in the army and done several tours in Afghanistan. He’d experienced a series of traumatic events where colleagues in his unit had been killed. He was a survivor, but it had left him with PTSD.

  It was why Sam wanted to speak to Milo. She knew he’d tried to stay close to Harry throughout his problems, even when Harry had tried to push everyone, including his parents, away. Sam was looking for any information that would help her understand what Joey was going through. She was desperate.

  “Milo, thanks for seeing me.”

  “I’ve always got time for you, Sam.”

  Sam grinned. It was true. If she ever set up a fan club, she was sure Milo would run it. They’d taken to each other from the moment they met…like flies on flypaper. She’d also spent time with him in quiet support on the rare occasion he’d spoken about Harry when things had got bad. He hadn’t said much of late. She wasn’t sure if that was a good or bad sign.

  “Are you okay chatting about Harry and his PTSD?” Sam asked.

  “Yes. You know someone who’s having problems, too?”

  Sam had mentioned this on the phone but kept Joey’s name out of it. She’d kept it all sufficiently vague. “Friend of a friend.”

  “Where do you want me to start?” Milo said.

  “I know what PTSD is, the definition. I’ve read plenty on the Internet, but…”

  “You don’t know what it really does to them, and how it affects their behavior. How it affects their family and friends?”

  “I don’t,” Sam said. “Anything you can tell me, I’d be grateful.”

  Milo sat down and beckoned Sam to join him.

  “You never knew the old Harry. Ever since he was a kid, he was always into everything. He joined clubs, he organized school events, and he belonged to debating societies. The school made him head boy. He was a real friendly guy who loved socializing. If anyone had a party, you always invited Harry. He was a joker, and a nicer man you’d have to go a long way to meet. I know I’m biased, but I was so
proud of him. He joined the army and made sergeant in record time. He cut a real dash in his uniform. Cheryl, his wife, adored him and they had two beautiful children. Then he went to Afghanistan.

  “The first time my wife, Helen, and I knew there was a problem was when he was medically discharged. Once he was back home, we quickly found out all wasn’t well. He was suffering from terrible nightmares and having flashbacks. He was wracked with anxiety and panic attacks.”

  It all sounded familiar to Sam.

  “Harry was drinking heavily and becoming physically abusive to Cheryl. The kids grew frightened of him. Despite this, he refused to admit he was ill, and he wouldn’t talk about it. He was the real tough guy who saw any request for help as weakness.”

  Joey was refusing to talk too, but thankfully, there was no substance abuse.

  “It got bad,” Milo continued. “Cheryl threw him out. I don’t blame her. She was walking on eggshells. He was unpredictable, and he lost that ability to have any successful interpersonal relationships. He kept pushing us away, becoming more and more isolated. He even distanced himself from the kids…he used to adore them. Cheryl was frightened of him, and the children were stressed and starting to have issues at school. Cheryl tried to help, but he wouldn’t have any of it. The mere suggestion of it made him violent.”

  Joey isn’t violent.

  “We weren’t surprised when Cheryl filed for divorce. Of course, Helen and I took him in. We didn’t want our boy on the streets. He was a mess, and becoming worse by the day.

  “I’d wake up at night and hear him crying. Sometimes, he would scream. I would go through to him, and—like a child—I would hold his hand, and he would squeeze it. He wouldn’t let go till the morning. He suffered from hallucinations…”

  Sam went cold.

  “…and we already knew he couldn’t control his emotions. He was very moody. He became more socially isolated and would lock himself away in his room for days on end. We watched him disconnecting from the world around him. If you could get him to talk, he saw nothing but hopelessness about his future. It was terrible, Sam. It was like he wanted to punish himself for living. Harry became more and more self-destructive. It all came to a head one night. It was when things changed.”