Soul Survivor

by I Beacham

  “It doesn’t stop me from being sorry. Tell Mom that when you see her. Tell her I’m ready to sit down to dinner and be civilized.” She stopped and pulled back from him. “And tell her I love her.”

  He ran a hand down her face. “I will. Now I want the two of you to go home. There’s no point us all hanging around here. It’s late. I’m going to stay with your mother. I’ll let you know if anything changes. Go home.”

  “You sure?” Joey said.

  “I’m sure.”

  “I can stay if you want, Len,” Sam said.

  He smiled. “I’m hoping we won’t need you just yet, Vicar. Now get my daughter home.”

  Joey watched Sam stand and stretch. Until now, she’d been so quiet that Joey had almost forgotten she was present. Again, she didn’t miss that Sam was avoiding eye contact and Joey could sense her anger. She deserved it.

  As they walked back along the corridors that led out into the cold night air, Joey broke the silence that hunkered down between them like the Great Wall of China.

  “Thank you for being here. It means everything.”

  It was surely the shock of her mother’s collapse that jolted Joey enough to see sense. A thick mist was thinning and allowing the first rational thought she’d had in a long time. She suddenly knew what was right. There was no voice in her head telling her to push Sam away, telling her how hopeless things were. She had to let Sam know how much she needed her, how much she wanted that closeness back they had once shared. But as she looked at Sam, she wondered if that was possible. Sam’s face was unreadable, and her body language shouted distance. Joey trembled. Had she pushed Sam away one time too many? Did Sam believe the lies she’d thrown at her?

  “I couldn’t leave your father to cope with that.” Sam’s response was flat, her voice devoid of its usual warmth.

  “No, Sam. You being here means everything to me.”

  “How did you get here?” Sam ignored Joey’s declaration.

  “A cab.”

  “I’d better get you home. I’ve got your dad’s bike nearby.”

  “He lent you one?”

  “Yes, the BSA.”

  Her father never lent anyone one of his prize possessions. It said much about Sam.

  “Are you okay with that?” Sam interrupted her thoughts. “You can call a cab if you want.”

  “No. It’s fine.”

  Joey felt like she was slowly dying as Sam’s distance grew. They’d become polar opposites, and it was Joey’s fault. Had she destroyed it all?

  When they got to the bike, Sam handed her the only helmet. Joey thought of Maryland’s mandatory helmet law. Sam was thinking of it too.

  “You wear it, and pray we don’t run into the cops. If we do, you’re paying the fine.” Sam straddled the bike and kicked it into life.

  Joey hopped on too, and as she wrapped her arms around Sam, she felt her stiffen.

  They arrived back at the apartment without being pulled over, and Joey directed Sam down to the secure underground parking.

  Sam stood resolute by the bike silently daring Joey to turn her away. Joey didn’t.

  “It’s been a long night,” Joey said as they entered the apartment and she threw keys onto a table. She walked through the small lobby and into the sitting room. Sam followed like a shadow.

  “Do you want coffee, something to eat?” Joey hid her uneasiness behind politeness. It didn’t help as she reached a hand out to touch Sam’s arm, and Sam stepped back. She didn’t answer Joey as she slipped her heavy jacket and gloves off.

  How many times had Sam waited with relatives at a hospital, or been at the bedside of someone with not much time left? Any familiarity didn’t make her feel better. She felt sick because none of this might have happened if she’d declined Ann and Len’s invitation to stay at their home. Her clashes with Joey had only fueled Ann’s stress.

  Her sickness had turned to quiet anger when Joey entered the hospital waiting room.

  It was still with her now despite Ann’s stable condition.

  She eyeballed Joey who was standing in the middle of the room, and she could no longer contain herself. There were truths that needed airing.

  “Do you have any idea what you’ve been putting your parents through? You can’t do this to them at their age. They’ve been worried sick about you…as have I.”

  “I never meant for this to happen, Sam. I didn’t know Mom was ill.”

  “That’s no excuse. What the shit do you think you’re doing?”

  Joey stood facing her, white-faced and still. The usual signs of defense were gone. It was just as well because anything she did now might only make Sam worse.

  “This has got to stop, Joey. Stop hiding your head in the sand. You’ve got PTSD and all the nastiness that goes with it. It’s getting worse and nothing is going to stop it until you get help. But you don’t want that, do you?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I may be a provincial vicar in a county parish, but credit me with some intellect.” Sam was ready to deal the cards she’d always hesitated to for fear of upsetting Joey. But the proverbial gloves were off.

  “I know exactly what you’re doing, Josephine Barry. You’re trying to punish yourself, push away anyone who cares for you, your family…me. Is this what all this is about, some perverse desire to make yourself suffer because you of all of them survived? And you weren’t meant to?”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Only you know the answer to that.” Sam took a deep breath. “There’s something you’re not saying, something that happened out there. Your guilt over being the only one that made it back is way too excessive. You blame yourself, and only yourself, for what happened. You and the team knew what you were up against. It’s what you did…always did. You went into the front line, into the danger zone to get the story. You said that in your radio chats.”

  Joey’s eyes widened.

  Sam nodded. “Yes, I’ve listened to the last one…the one where you got me thrown out of the building. I can’t believe you did that. My God, but you’re running.”

  “I’m sorry for doing—”

  Sam put a hand up to stop her. “This is not the time for apologies, and that’s not what this is all about. I listened to that second interview over and over praying I’d hear something that will give me a clue into what’s going on in that crazy mind of yours.

  “You hold yourself responsible, and as a consequence you’re no longer allowed to be happy. You need to suffer. Of course you’ve refused counseling. Heaven’s forbid it worked, the nightmares diminished, and you started to feel better. You’re not allowed that.

  “That and your illness is why you walked out on me in England without a word. It’s why you keep closing the door in my face, avoiding me. You think you can make me angry and disillusioned, that I’ll up and leave you. Well, guess what, I’m not leaving, because I love you. It’s why I’ve come all the way over here to show you that. And I know you love me too, and if I have to win this battle going on in your head, so be it.”

  Sam watched as the pain raced across Joey’s face before it turned to understanding and then acceptance. Joey all but fell back into the seat behind her. There was a moment of silence before Joey spoke.

  “I hate what I’ve done to Mom. You’re right. I’ve been so busy thinking only of me. I never meant for any of this to happen…not just Mom. I thought if I pushed you away, I could salvage me, hold on to the little sanity I have left…cope. But all I’ve done is transfer the hurt to all of you, and at such a cost. I’ve been a fool.”

  “Why push me away, and don’t give me the crap about my pastoral workload.”

  Joey returned a wan smile.

  “It’s never been that, Sam. I never said it was. The truth is I don’t want you to see me disintegrate. I don’t want you to look at me like the others have who’ve walked away. I’m scared to be with you because I don’t want to lose what you feel for me.” Joey gave a half laugh. “Ironic, isn’t i
t. And I will lose you because I’m not getting any better. My control’s slipping…I think I’m going mad. But I thought if I could contain my life, push away and box the emotion, I could function on the most basic level and still work. Work could be my life.”

  “No love allowed…”

  “No. It’s safer this way.”

  “There’s no such thing as safe love. If you love someone you let your armor down. You give them the power to love you, to protect you when you need it, to nourish you…maybe even hurt you. That’s why when love goes wrong it hurts because you both get hit in the underbelly. Ask anyone going through a divorce.” Sam swallowed. She couldn’t believe they were suddenly communicating. Why did it have to take Ann’s health to achieve this?

  “But ask yourself this, Joey. Do you want to continue through life avoiding love because of what happened to you out there? Let me tell you, I’ve tried to run from my past. I thought I could live without love, and it’s almost eaten me alive.”

  Joey looked broken as she wrapped her arms around herself.

  “Sam, this is about me and my messy life, and now messing up yours. I’m going to destroy you if you latch on to me. I’m corrupting you. You’ve already walked away from the church—”

  “Yes, from church but not God. There’s a difference.”

  “You would still be there if it wasn’t for me.”

  “I’m not sure. I’ve been facing my own demons. Don’t you understand that I had no life until you came into it? You’ve reached somewhere deep inside me and made me feel alive.”

  “Tell me what to do Sam. I don’t know anymore.”

  As Joey looked up at her, something inside Sam softened. Her mantle of confrontation dissolved. Joey was vulnerable and exposed, and Sam’s fighting talk was over.

  “Sometimes to move forward, we have to go back. We have to return to the basics to rebuild the foundations. We have to ask questions and move forward based on the answers.”

  “I don’t even know what the questions are.”

  “Maybe I do,” Sam said. “The first one is crucial, and it demands a truthful answer. Do you love me, Joey?”

  “You don’t underst—”

  “Do you love me?” Sam repeated. “And look me in the eyes when you answer.”

  Joey was struggling, but Sam wasn’t taking prisoners.

  “Confession time, Joey.”

  “How can I answer that?”

  “With the truth. Do you love me?”

  Sam heard the quietest, “Yes.”

  “Louder, I’m not getting that,” Sam said.

  “Yes.”

  “I can’t hear.”

  “I said yes.” Joey raised her voice.

  Sam stepped forward and opened her arms. Joey stood and entered them.

  “Okay, there’s no need to shout,” Sam whispered into her neck.

  Joey held her closely, as if she was scared to let go. Sam felt something deep inside her, something right, recharging. How she’d waited—and prayed—for this moment. Her boss had delivered.

  “Don’t let me go,” Joey said.

  Sam realized this embrace was everything to Joey too. She hoped it was reviving her, giving her hope.

  “I have another question,” Sam whispered. “Why didn’t you tell me about the Stallion contract?”

  Joey’s arms tightened around her. “I was going to tell you that night of the dinner, but—”

  “The accident.”

  “I wanted it to be a surprise.”

  “And I ruined it.”

  “It was no one’s fault. That was an awful day for many.”

  Sam ran a hand through Joey’s hair. It was like silk.

  “I guess my parents told you I’ve accepted the job back in England.”

  “Do I have to confirm that?” Sam said.

  Joey laughed a little. “They really love you.” There was the minutest pause. “Me too. You’re amazing, Sam. You’re the only person, besides my parents, who hasn’t run a mile as soon as you’ve discovered my problems.”

  “Problems can be sorted.” She felt Joey shrug.

  “I think mine may take time.”

  “Another question,” Sam said. “Do you want to get better?”

  Joey grew heavier in her arms.

  “Yes. I’m so tired of feeling like this. Please stay with me, Sam. Help me.”

  “I’m not going anywhere.”

  They remained locked together. Sam closed her eyes.

  When she opened them, she found she was looking at the reflection of her and Joey in the apartment window. They looked good, like they belonged together. Sam gazed beyond their image and grew aware that something was falling outside.

  “What’s that?” she said.

  Joey loosened her grip and looked. “It’s snow, Sam.”

  “I know it’s snow.”

  But it was falling fast and heavy. The promised storm had arrived. She thought of the bike. It didn’t like snow, and Len had asked her to avoid it. It occurred to Sam that the boss was working overtime. She grinned. “I guess this means I’m staying the night.”

  “I guess it does. Are you all right with that?”

  “I am. I’m staying.”

  Joey started to say something more but Sam took no chances.

  “I’ve come all the way from England to be with you. I’m not spending another night at your parents. Delightful though they are, they aren’t who I want to be with.”

  “Okay.” Joey didn’t put up a fight and pulled Sam back into her arms.

  “This might not work,” Joey said.

  “The nightmares are worse?”

  “They’re no better,” Joey said.

  “And they won’t be until you talk…until you tell me what happened out there.”

  Joey pushed back, holding Sam’s arms gently. “I know.”

  It was an important first step. Sam knew it. So did Joey. The shock of her mother’s ill health had triggered a change in her.

  “Do you think mom will be okay?”

  “She’s in the right place. The doctor said she’s stable.”

  “I must see her, Sam. I have to tell her I love her…that I’m sorry.”

  “You will tomorrow if we’re not snowed in.”

  They walked over to the window and looked at the falling snow that was settling thick and fast on the ground below.

  “I’m going to have to talk with the boss about this weather.” Sam’s attempt to lighten the moment earned her a chaste kiss on the cheek. Its sweetness filled her soul with happiness.

  “Let’s have that coffee now. Second thoughts, have you got anything stronger?” Sam said. It had been a hell of a day for both of them.

  Joey flicked her hair back behind an ear and looked around. “I think Dad keeps some alcohol here somewhere.”

  As Joey removed her jacket and threw it over the couch, something hard hit the ground and rolled. It was a small shiny metal object that Joey picked up and held as if it was precious.

  “What’s that?” Sam asked.

  Joey held her hand out so Sam could see it.

  “It looks like a bolt—”

  “It’s my lucky bolt,” Joey said. “It’s the one you gave me. I keep it on me.”

  It was the way Joey was looking at her, as if the world had melted away and they were the only living entities left. Sam couldn’t breathe as she closed the gap between them and reached her hands out to cup Joey’s face. The touch sent electric shocks through her body.

  “I don’t really want a drink,” Sam said.

  “Me neither.”

  “Let’s go to bed.”

  “Are you tired?” Joey asked.

  “Not in the slightest.”

  Joey smiled at Sam as she led her to the bedroom.

  Their eyes never left each other as they undressed. Joey pulled Sam to her as they fell into bed, pushing her body tight up against hers.

  There was no foreplay. They were suddenly beyond that, and Sam felt her own
hunger rising inside, its power stronger than she’d ever experienced. She was barely breathing as her hands roamed Joey’s body needing to feel every part of her. Every touch of Joey’s skin sent an explosion of sensation through Sam.

  Joey’s arousal was strong too.

  “Touch me, Sam.”

  When she did, Joey moaned.

  Sam felt her grow hot and clammy, she felt her trembling. She smelled Joey’s sex. There was an urgency to their lovemaking; a starvation desperate for sustenance. It had been too long for both of them.

  Sam moved over Joey and slipped her hand between Joey’s legs. She found an abundance of wetness. She began to pump.

  Joey rocked beneath her.

  “Deeper,” Joey groaned.

  Sam pushed harder, faster, as she felt her own need grow.

  Joey came first, her body tense and stretching as she climaxed.

  Sam was losing her control as she felt Joey’s knee rise between her legs. It seemed like it was barely there a second, rubbing against her. Sam came. She arched her back and cried out.

  The room went quiet and all movement ceased. They wrapped themselves in each other’s arms.

  “That was quick.” Joey broke the stillness.

  “I’d have come just looking at you,” Sam panted.

  “Well, it’s sure going to save a lot of time.”

  “I prefer the old method. I’m a traditionalist.”

  “Me, too.”

  “I’m alive again,” Sam sighed.

  “I’ve been dating a corpse?”

  Sam laughed. “You know what I mean.” All her doubts—and she had had them since she’d flown to Baltimore—disappeared. Joey loved her. There would be obstacles. Joey had issues, but Sam’s faith was strong, and she knew the power of love. Together they would find a way through.

  “Will you say a prayer for mom?”

  Sam heard the worry in Joey’s voice. Their lovemaking had not chased all the fears away.

  “I’m way ahead of you, my love. I’ve been FedExing the boss,” Sam said.

  “Thanks, Sam. I can’t lose her, not like this.”

  “My child, you’re not turning to God are—?”

  “Can it.”

  Sam grinned. “Just asking.”

  *

  Sometime after they had slept, they found a stash of whiskey.