Eat Your Feelings_Recipes for Self-Loathing
Page 1
Table of Contents
Title Page
Copyright Page
Dedication
HAMBURGER CASSEROLE FOR WHEN NOBODY LOVES YOU AND NEVER WILL
DRUNK AND DISORDERLY DONUT PUDDING
BABY WON’T STOP CRYING NACHOS SUPREME
OCD BLT
BEST FRIEND IS A TOTAL BITCH GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH
THE WHOLE OFFICE READ YOUR JOURNAL YUMMY OATMEAL MUFFINS
WORST DATE EVER NUTTY CHEESE BALL
YOUR BROTHER REALLY WAS MOM’S FAVORITE PEACH PIE
FAILED THE GED CREAMED SPINACH FOR IDIOTS
YOU WALKED ALL THE WAY TO YOUR OFFICE WITHOUT REALIZING YOUR SKIRT WAS TUCKED ...
YOUR DECOR HASN’T CHANGED SINCE COLLEGE PIZZA LOAF
SKY-HIGH BANANA CREAM PIE BECAUSE YOU ARE DATING A MARRIED GUY
JALAPEÑO POPPERS FOR WHEN YOUR ONLY FRIENDS ARE PEOPLE YOU MET IN A CHAT ROOM
FORECLOSURE FIESTA
WHO’S THE DADDY? FLAPJACKS
FORTY YEARS OLD AND FIRED FROM STARBUCKS CHEWY FRUIT AND NUT COOKIE STACK
GRAVY CHEESE FRIES FOR A BIG FAT FATTY
NOBODY THINKS YOU ARE FUNNY ORANGE-GLAZED PORK CHOPS
COCKTAIL NIBBLES FOR ALCOHOLICS
POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER SWEET POTATO PIE
STINKING NO GOOD BROKEDOWN CAR BUTTERMILK FRIED CHICKEN
SPICY NUTS WITH HONEY ’CAUSE YOU MARRIED FOR MONEY
HALLOWEEN COSTUME PROVED OFFENSIVE TO ALL YOUR COWORKERS CHOCOLATE SMORGASBORD
CHEESE FONDUE BECAUSE YOUR THERAPIST FELL ASLEEP ON YOU
VALENTINE’S DAY PARTY RYES FOR DIVORCÉES
ADMONISHED BY MALE STRIPPER FOR INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR TARRAGON SCRAMBLED EGGS
DOUBLE CRUST APPLE PIE FOR RECREATIONAL BULIMICS
THE SLAMMIN’ CHICK FROM THE CLUB WAS NOT AT ALL A CHICK CHICKEN CLUB
YOU FARTED LOUDLY IN THE ELEVATOR GREEN CURRY CHICKEN
BREAKFAST SANDWICH FOR MORNING-AFTER REGRET
TOTALLY BOWLEGGED DOUBLE DEVILED EGG(ED) SALAD
STAYING TOGETHER FOR THE CHILDREN CHICKEN TETRAZZINI
¡ EL CHUPACABRA ATE ALL THE CHICKENS! CHIMICHANGA
CEREAL SNACK FOR AGING POTHEADS
YOU SAW A GROUP OF GIRLS YOU WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH AT A RESTAURANT AND YOU ...
MOVING TO RUSSIA TO LOOK FOR WORK CHOCOBANBUTT PANINI
CINNAMON-SPICED APPLE FRITTER FOR WHEN YOUR HUSBAND RAN OFF WITH THE BABYSITTER
CHICKEN TERIYAKI FOR WHEN YOUR CAREER IN ADVERTISING HAS DESTROYED YOUR SOUL
MANIC-DEPRESSIVE BROWNIES, TWO WAYS! THE MANIC WAY
THE DEPRESSIVE WAY
POSTPARTUM POTATO PIEROGIES
MIL FROM HELL TACO BELL
EMERGENCY FOOD SOURCE FOR PLANE-CRASH SURVIVORS
CAUGHT MOM AND DAD IN THE ACT TATER TOT CASSEROLE
ALOPECIA PIZZA
MOM’S OLD-FASHIONED CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP FOR CLOSET CASES
YOU GOT DRUNK AND CALLED YOUR FRIEND A SLUT IN FRONT OF HER FATHER CHEESEBURGER SOUP
PERFECT MASHED POTATOES FOR DISAPPOINTED PARENTS
BAD BOTOX BOLOGNESE
YOU WERE A BULLY IN MIDDLE SCHOOL BANANA BREAD
YOUR MARRIAGE IS A DISASTER SICILIAN LASAGNA
YOU ARE GOING TO [VERB] [PERSON] FOR [ADVERB] [VERB] YOUR [NOUN] TWICE-BAKED POTATOES
LITTLE SISTER EARNS MORE THAN YOU HAM AND CHEESE TOASTIE
HE ONLY MARRIED YOU FOR HIS GREEN CARD CHICKEN SALAD
STIR-FRY FOR STRETCH MARKS
LONELY CHRISTMAS PUDDING
HARDTACK FOR LONELY SEAMEN ON WHALING VESSELS
LEFT AT THE ALTAR PETITS-FOURS LOG
PEPPERONI PIZZA FOR AGORAPHOBES
RELUCTANT BREADWINNER’S QUICHE FOR RESENTFUL WIVES OF STAY-AT-HOME DADS
REJECTED BY SKIDMORE AND THAT WAS YOUR SAFETY SCHOOL CHICKEN FRIED STEAK
YOUR BIRTHDAY IS SEPTEMBER 11 CHOCOLATE MUD CAKE
IT’S TIME TO SETTLE SPAGHETTI CARBONARA FOR WOMEN IN THEIR “THIRTIES”
YOU ARE OVERQUALIFIED FOR YOUR JOB AND THEY MAKE YOU GET THE DONUTS SUPER ...
NOT EVEN A TOTAL LOSER WOULD SLEEP WITH YOU OATMEAL COOKIES
A DHD ALPHABET SOUP
FOUND OUT YOUR BIRTH MOTHER WAS A CARNEY HOT BEEF SUNDAE
SALMON RUSHDIE FATWA SURPRISE
HELIKES YOUR ROOMMATE KEY LIME PIE
ACCIDENTALLY JOINED THE PTA PERFECT POTLUCK BAKED ZITI
DOUBLE- DETOX MILK SHAKE
HOME FRIES FOR THE UNINSURED
SLEPT WITH YOUR PROFESSOR AND HE STILL GAVE YOU A D BAKED BRIE
UNWANTED PREGNANCY KIELBASA AND SAUERKRAUT
THREE-ALARM CHILI FOR BAD MOTHERS
TWENTY-NINE AND STILL CAN’T PAY YOUR RENT VEGGIE SANDWICH
CORN CAKE FOR INDIGENOUS PEOPLES
YOU STOPPED SLEEPING WITH YOUR HUSBAND YEARS AGO PROVENÇAL TOMATO TARTLET
RAINBOW SHERBET ’CAUSE YOUR BOSS IS A PERVERT
EVIL STEPMOTHER’S ROCK CANDY
PMS POT STICKERS
DUMPED ON NEW YEAR’S EVE MEATBALL SANDWICH
UGLY BABY CHEESE SANDWICH
MIDLIFE CRISIS RIB EYE
INGLE MOTHER BEEF STEW
DEAD BROKE DUMPLINGS
HE’S BETTER OFF WITHOUT YOU LINGUINI WITH SUN-DRIED TOMATO CREAM SAUCE
YOUR DREAMS WILL NEVER COME TRUE HUNGARIAN GOULASH
YOU DID NOT SIGN UP FOR THIS CRAP CRÊPES SUZETTE FOR WIVES OF FORMER BANKERS
YOUR DAD IS A SCUMBAG MONKEY BREAD
HUMMUS FOR WHEN YOU WANT TO KILL SOMEONE
HUMMUS FOR WHEN YOU HAVE KILLED SOMEONE
FANNIE MAE AND FREDDIE MAC ’N’ CHEESE
Some places to eat your feelings:
Some books to read while eating your feelings:
Some people with whom to eat your feelings:
Some music to listen to while eating your feelings:
Some things to avoid while eating your feelings:
Acknowledgements
Index
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First published by Hudson Street Press, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.
First Printing, October 2009
Copyright © Heather Whaley, 2009
All rights reserved
REGISTERED TRADEMARK—MARCA REGISTRADA
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Whaley, Heather.
Eat your feelings : recipes for self-loathing / Heather Whaley.
p. cm.
eISBN : 978-1-101-14033-8
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For Frank, Buster, and Tallulah—
all good feelings.
Dear Reader,
What you are holding in your hands is not simply a cookbook. In these pages you’re not going to find the same tired old recipes with tedious instructions: add a “dab of this” and a “dash of that.” This won’t be merely a guide to roasting the perfect pork tenderloin, braising root vegetables fresh from the farmers’ market, or decorating your tablescape with fresh figs and absurd branches collected from your garden. On the contrary, dear reader, what you are holding is a book about eating. And not just regular eating but eating when you are on a mission, likely a solo mission, one filled with despair and self-loathing, and, most probably, in the dark.
Surely you already know how to make a lovely romantic dinner of sweetbreads in pear jus for that special someone, a sumptuous eight-course tasting menu for out-of-town guests, or poached lobster with truffles and seared foie gras for lunch when you’re feeling peckish. But what about all those other special moments? After all, who among us has not woken up after a night of drunken revelry only to have memories of their hideous behavior come crashing down like a freight train of humiliation? Who has not found oneself fired from a dead-end job, middle-aged and living with one’s parents? Who has not looked at their spouse and thought, “If he so much as brushes past me, I will rip his head off and drop-kick it across the kitchen like a soccer ball”? And, I ask you, who has not experienced explosive diarrhea in a public place or at their new boyfriend’s house? I know I have.
What is there for you to do in such moments? Sure, you could head for the nearest drive-thru or sit in a dark room muttering to yourself, as usual, or perhaps throw open the nearest window and contemplate the plunge. But wait, there is a better way: You can treat yourself right, with delicious, succulent, home-cooked comfort food.
Dear reader, I’d like you to think of this book not only as a collection of delectable treats, but as a hand to hold in those bleak moments—as your very own support group to remind you that you’re not alone. You are not alone. Yes, this is a call to arms for all emotional eaters: Stuff your face with something fantastically cheesy, salty, sugary, and soaked in booze. And cry. Don’t forget to cry. And when it’s over and your distended abdomen can hold no more? Look in the mirror and say aloud, “[insert your name here], it’s not your fault that you [insert fault here: binge drink, overeat, are a sex fanatic, accidentally got pregnant, et cetera].” Say it. Even if it is, technically, your fault.
With dearest sympathy,
Heather Whaley
HAMBURGER CASSEROLE FOR WHEN NOBODY LOVES YOU AND NEVER WILL
You will need:
½ lb. ground beef
2 cans condensed
tomato soup
½ box egg noodles
DVD of Kramer vs. Kramer
or Terms of Endearment
1 onion, chopped
American cheese slices,
orange variety
Salt and pepper
Go to the video store and rent something sad. Terms of Endearment is a good one or Kramer vs. Kramer.
Once home, preheat oven to 400°F. Brown beef in a pan. Add onions and sauté until beef is cooked and onions translucent. Boil noodles (duh). After you drain noodles, change into your fanciest outfit, since you are unlikely ever to get an opportunity to wear it in public.
In a large bowl, combine condensed soup and beef-and-onion mix. Add noodles and season with salt and pepper. Pour into a baking dish and top with cheese singles. Bake until cheese is melted and bubbly. Eat. Cry. Eat more while watching Kramer vs. Kramer. Cry some more. Eat the rest. Repeat for next fifty to seventy years, depending on age and life expectancy.
DRUNK AND DISORDERLY DONUT PUDDING
You will need:
1 box donuts, any variety
2 cups milk
¼ tsp. salt
3 egg yolks
cup sugar
1 tsp. vanilla
Once released from lockup, stop by donut store. Do not take donuts from the station house, as police tend to be territorial about their pastries. When home, preheat oven to 350°F.
Break donuts into large chunks. Warm milk together with salt in a small pot. Vow, with absolute sincerity, that you will never ever drink again. Place donut chunks in baking dish. Check fridge to see if you have any beer. You do. Natch. Have one.
Beat egg yolks, sugar, and vanilla. (Don’t bother with the electric mixer: a fork will do.) Drizzle into milk, then pour egg mixture over donuts. Put baking dish in a water bath (a larger dish filled partway with water) and bake for 45 minutes.
While it’s cooking, enjoy three or four more beers, as desired. Then prank call the officers who busted you last night; tell them you found Mike Oxlong’s wallet. Hang up. Enjoy more beer, as available. Take donut pudding out of oven; eat directly from baking dish. Pass out.
When you wake up, go down to precinct and tell the arresting officers in person what they can do with their warrants.
Repeat.
BABY WON’T STOP CRYING NACHOS SUPREME
You will need:
1 bag corn chips
1 container sour cream
1 Tbs. horseradish
1 jar salsa
½ lb. Monterey jack cheese,
shredded
½ lb. white cheddar cheese,
shredded
Chili powder
Put baby down gently, fighting urge to shake it. Preheat oven to 350°F. Using your most soothing voice, talk to baby, explaining that you are making nachos. Spread chips on baking sheet. Tell baby that nachos are a delicious treat that someday she will enjoy, particularly in college—if she makes it to college. Realize baby does not understand you—seems, in fact, to cry louder at the sound of your voice. Wonder if baby will always be ungrateful.
Top chips with shredded cheeses and sprinkle with chili powder. Put in oven. Mix horseradish with sour cream.
When cheese is melted, remove from oven. Pick baby up and begin to pace, rocking and bouncing her in intervals of four to ten minutes or until back gives out. Enjoy nachos with sides of sour cream and salsa. Curse generic condom manufacturer for its substandard product.
OCD BLT
You will need:
Ziplock bags
Cleanser with bleach
Alternate cleanser with bleach
Bacon
Ruler
Butter lettuce
Antibacterial soap
White bread
Mayonnaise
Alternate antibacterial soap
Tomato
Begin by blowing hard on all surfaces of kitchen to get rid of any germs that may have recently settled there. Wash hands. Use cleanser No. 1 to clean cleanser No. 2; then use cleanser No. 2 to clean all surfaces in kitchen, including bottoms of chairs and table legs. Place both cleansers in clean ziplock bags. Wash hands, being mindful of under-fingernail germs. Throw soap in garbage.
Remove bacon package from refrigerator and quickly trace brand name logo with finger. Remove skillet from ziplock bag, discarding contaminated bag. Wash hands. Using ruler, place desired number of bacon strips in skillet exactly ¾ of an inch apart, and cook over medium heat. Wash hands. Remove bread from ziplock bag; quickly trace brand nam
e logo with finger. You must do this fast! Faster! If not fast enough, use hand to slap self. Wash hands.
Place two slices of white bread in toaster and set dial to 6. Wash hands. Remove tomato from ziplock bag, discarding contaminated bag. Slice two exactly identical rounds from innermost portion of tomato (you may have to use several tomatoes to achieve identical widths). Discard remainder of tomato(es). Wash hands. Remove lettuce from ziplock bag, discarding contaminated bag. Remove two pieces of exactly identical color from interior portion of lettuce, discarding rest. Use ruler to cut lettuce into perfect ¾-inch squares.
Wash hands.
Remove mayonnaise from refrigerator, take out of ziplock bag, and discard bag. Quickly, using finger—really quickly—trace mayonnaise logo, really fast. Wash hands. Smear mayonnaise on bread; top with bacon, lettuce, and tomato; measure into perfect halves using ruler and cut. Wash hands.
Count to seventy-three as fast as you can. If you stumble on a number, you must begin again. This can take anywhere from thirty seconds to four hours. Enjoy sandwich. Wash hands.
BEST FRIEND IS A TOTAL BITCH GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH
You will need:
Two slices sourdough bread
Butter, lots of it
Cheese, any variety,
but Gruyère rules
Bacon