Just before wine boils, work cheese in slowly, watching as it dissolves and disappears into the wine just like you disappear into the wine every night in a vain attempt to hide from yourself. Stir constantly, until the fondue bubbles gently. Stir in sherry, pepper, and nutmeg, and pour into fondue pot. Stand directly over pot to better reach cheese and dunk bread into fondue. Drink remaining wine and stop your whining.
VALENTINE’S DAY PARTY RYES FOR DIVORCÉES
You will need:
1 package hot dogs
½ pound Swiss cheese
1 loaf rye bread
4 gay men
Vodka
Grand Marnier
Cranberry juice
Juice of one lime
Martina McBride CD
Round up all the gals in the subdivision, ’cause this Valentine’s Day is going to be a blast! No more sitting at home moping and drooling over Keith Olbermann. Not this year. No, ma’am! In a large glass pitcher mix 2 cups vodka, ½ cup Grand Marnier, ½ cup cranberry juice, and lime juice, ’cause you sassy ladies are gonna drink cosmos! Wooo!
Call the boys too—they will love this! (Note: If you live in a so-called red state and can’t locate 4 gay men, look for attractive, single, good-smelling men over the age of forty.)
Preheat oven to 375°F. Cut hot dogs into small rounds. Place slices of rye bread on a baking sheet, top with hot-dog rounds, and cover with Swiss cheese. Bake in oven until cheese is melted and bread is toasted. Remove from oven, cut each piece of bread into quarters, and arrange on a platter in an attractive fashion.
When guests arrive, serve cosmos with party ryes. Some suggestions for activities include:Dance contest to empowering Martina McBride music, using
aerobics moves you learned at Curves
Pin the tail on the trophy wife
Watch First Wives Club and drink every time Bette Midler delivers
snappy insult to ex-husband
Alter old wedding dresses into cute halter tops or jaunty berets
Duck duck Grey Goose
Uh-oh! Sexy Officer Thunder has arrived to issue a noise complaint!*
Most of all, keep the cosmos flowing to ensure a good time for all!
* If Officer Thunder has indeed knocked on your door, you may need to see the following recipe.
ADMONISHED BY MALE STRIPPER FOR INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR TARRAGON SCRAMBLED EGGS
You will need:
1 Tbs. butter
3 eggs
Swiss cheese
½ Tbs. fresh tarragon, or
½ tsp. dried
2 Tbs. diced fresh tomatoes
$200
In a medium nonstick skillet, melt butter over low heat to coat pan. In a small bowl, mix eggs with tarragon and pour into pan. Continue to cook over low heat. Phone attorney and tell him whole awful, embarrassing story, making sure to point out that it was Doris from next door who started it all by taking off her clothes, and that never having hired a stripper before, you were ignorant of the rules.
Tell him that Steven (a.k.a. Thunder) is demanding $200 to not tell your ex-husband and screw up your pending alimony settlement. Ask attorney to drop the bribe money at the designated donut shop or back alley (it would be far too humiliating to see Steven again; not that you would recognize him without his badge). When eggs begin to set, add Swiss cheese and scramble by stirring constantly. Season with salt and pepper, and turn onto plate when eggs are just cooked. Top with diced tomatoes as plump as Thunder’s stubbly backside.
DOUBLE CRUST APPLE PIE FOR RECREATIONAL BULIMICS
You will need:
Mouthwash
6 Tbs. (¾ stick) unsalted
butter
2½ lb. firm tart apples, peeled,
cored, and sliced into ¼-inch
wedges
½ cup sugar plus 1 Tbs.
for sprinkling
Tooth-bleaching gel
¼ cup raisins
½ tsp. ground cinnamon
¼ tsp. ground cloves
2 Tbs. freshly squeezed
lemon juice
2 Tbs. cornstarch
2 frozen piecrusts
1 egg beaten with 2 Tbs.
milk
Melt 3 Tbs. butter in a large, heavy-bottomed sauté pan over medium heat. Add apple wedges and sauté for 3-4 minutes until slightly softened but still holding their shape . . . Actually, you’re just going to throw it up anyway. Forget it.
THE SLAMMIN’ CHICK FROM THE CLUB WAS NOT AT ALL A CHICK CHICKEN CLUB
You will need:
2 boneless, skinless chicken breasts
White bread
Mayonnaise
Lettuce
Tomato
2 slices bacon
Listerine
Dude, that was so wrong! Rub breasts with oil the same way you rubbed that guy’s breasts. No! Don’t think about it! Season with salt and pepper and throw chicken on grill.
Toast bread and slice tomato. Remember thinking at the time how curious it was that her face felt a little rough as you were making out. Dunk head in sink full of ice water. Cut off two slices of lettuce, resisting urge to take knife to your wrist. Man, this is so wrong! Call wingman to ask him, “What the fuck, dude?”
When chicken is done, spread mayo on bread, trying not to think of—No! Buddy, this is not something you’re going to just get over. Especially seeing as how you were trying so hard to get over on that she-male, bro. Place chicken, bacon, lettuce, and tomato on bread. Eat sandwich, wondering what it means that you liked it more than she did.
YOU FARTED LOUDLY IN THE ELEVATOR GREEN CURRY CHICKEN
You will need:
1 tsp. green curry paste
1 14 oz. can coconut milk
½ cup chicken broth
Small can bamboo shoots
Handful fresh basil leaves,
cut into slivers
2 cups cooked chicken
4 Thai eggplants, cut
into quarters
Salt
Beano
Combine curry paste and coconut milk. Bring to a boil like the boiling you felt in your lower colon after eating three Jamaican beef patties in the employee cafeteria. Stir for a while, but don’t let it burn like the noxious gas that seeped from your innards.
Add stock and return to a boil, trying not to imagine the conversation in the elevator after you got off—when the stench was at its peak. Add bamboo and eggplant, and simmer until eggplant is as tender as the area on your sphincter burned by the passing of the pungent pre-effluvia.
Make a promise to yourself never to eat the ethnic special at lunchtime. Enjoy the irony that you are, at this very moment, making curry. Check your e-mail to see if people are still sending funny notes about your flatulent indiscretion. Couldn’t Seth from marketing come up with something better to call you than Señor Fart?
Add chicken and basil, cook for 5 minutes longer, and enjoy with rice and double dose of Beano.
BREAKFAST SANDWICH FOR MORNING-AFTER REGRET
You will need:
Butter
2 eggs
2 slices American cheese
2 slices whole-wheat toast
Mayonnaise
Avocado
Tomato
Tater Tots
Ketchup
2 slices bacon
Coca-Cola
While ignoring the flashing light on your answering machine—probably angry calls from former friends you’ve offended—crack eggs into a hot buttered skillet. It’s much easier to scramble the eggs but tastier if you don’t. When eggs begin to harden, flip them over and top each with a slice of American cheese. Remember with horror that you called Toby’s mother a racist and then pointed your finger at her chanting, “Ra-cist! Ra-cist! Ra-cist!” Toast bread.
Pour yourself a Coke. It has to be a real Coke, not a diet Coke, or the nausea-fighting properties will be negated. Have a few sips while you slice some tomato and avocado. Wonder whatever possessed you to tell Sara that she wa
s “packing on the pounds.” Sara’s never done anything to you.
Preheat oven and cook Tater Tots according to package directions. Catch a glimpse of the massive hickey on your neck and try very hard to remember. Think. You were with your college roommate’s husband, hanging out in the stairwell, but who else was there? Oh God! His friend—his little-person friend! Check the lower part of your body for additional hickeys.
While Tater Tots are cooking, place bacon strips on a cookie sheet, put in the oven, and think, “Why? Why? Why did I go to that stupid party?” Pound fist on counter, as desired. Then wonder, “Do little people eat Tater Tots because full-sized potatoes are too big?” As a general rule, people don’t like gossip about their own boyfriends. Wish that you had thought of this before you told Barbara you know for a fact that her fiancé, Stuart, “experimented” with being gay in college, that his breath stinks, and that you’re not sure the two are unrelated. When bread is toasted, smear mayo on each piece and top with tomato, avocado, bacon, and egg.
Eat with Tater Tots dunked in as much ketchup as you can stand. Google “affordable pleasant places to live,” because this time an apology or quick stint in rehab isn’t going to work.
TOTALLY BOWLEGGED DOUBLE DEVILED EGG(ED) SALAD
You will need:
4 eggs
2 Tbs. mayonnaise
2 tsp. mustard
½ tsp. relish
Paprika
4 slices bread
Like a little penguin, waddle over to stove and plop eggs into a pot of cold water. Be careful not to trip over feet while doing so. Bring water to a boil, cover, and let rest 15 minutes. In front of mirror, practice dancing to see if you really do look like you’re a Kabuki actor. Yep.
Ride ’em, cowboy, to the fridge and get mayo and mustard. If you have a “galley” kitchen, you will have to turn sideways to get in there, as your knees splay out to the side too much for regular straight-ahead walking. Since you look like the Incredible Hulk when you’re running on the treadmill, it is a good idea to spare the calories and use light mayonnaise.
Mix mayo, mustard, and relish in a bowl. When eggs have cooked, run them under cold water and peel. Chop eggs and combine with mayo mixture. Remember how your mother used to tell you that you’d grow out of it, how you tried yoga and Pilates and even got rolfed, all to no avail. Decide that you should get some extra-large pants and put padding in the inner thighs so that you just look really large legged. Or perhaps you could invest in a hat, boots, some spurs, and a horse and rent yourself out for children’s parties. Sprinkle paprika on top of egg salad. Spread on bread and make two sandwiches: one for you and one for yer pardner.
STAYING TOGETHER FOR THE CHILDREN CHICKEN TETRAZZINI
You will need:
1 lb. spaghetti
½ lb. crimini mushrooms, sliced
1 stick butter
⅓ cup flourcup flour
Patience
1 large onion, sliced
4 cloves garlic, minced
1½ cups chicken broth
Hobbies
1 cup cream
1 large, soundproof box with
padded walls and floor
¼ cup dry sherry
4 cups cubed chicken
1½ cups grated Parmesan cheese
Salt and pepper
Preheat oven to 400°F. While watching Oprah, cook and drain spaghetti according to package directions. Sauté mushrooms, onion, and garlic in 3 Tbs. butter until lightly browned. In a sauce pot, combine remaining butter, flour, and chicken broth, stirring over low heat until thickened. Add cream, sherry, salt, and pepper.
Start scrapbooking! Find favorite family photos and fill two books, one with colorful tags and funny little sayings over the photos and the other with the pictures just shoved in the sleeves. Put the second book in the box of stuff you are already packing for your husband when you finally get rid of him.
Mix sauce, chicken, and pasta in a large, buttered baking dish. Top with Parmesan cheese and bake for 20 minutes. In basement, shut yourself in soundproof box and scream. Scream again—a loud, primal scream that emanates from your very core—as you throw yourself against the padded walls until you are completely exhausted and can no longer stand.
Return to house proper and eat with children, before husband gets home, planting seeds of hatred and distrust in their tiny, impressionable heads while extolling your own many virtues. Leave small amount of tetrazzini for the bastard, on a plate on the counter, to dry out to a hard, rubbery mess. Wait in awkward silence for 2-18 years, depending on ages of children.
¡ EL CHUPACABRA ATE ALL THE CHICKENS! CHIMICHANGA
You will need:
2 tortillas
Refried beans
Green chilies
Cheddar cheese
Oil for frying
Dios mío! You wake in the night and hear the terrible squawking of the chickens. You run outside to the henhouse. At first you can’t see anything, so dark is the night. But then you see it! At first you see only the eyes. They are red and glowing. You think, “What is this, a monkey?” But you don’t have monkeys here. Your cousin once had a monkey in his yard, but it turned out to be a neighbor’s escaped pet. Then you think, “A dog?” But this is no dog. And then it occurs to you and you whisper out loud the name of the dreaded beast, “¡El Chupacabra!”
You run back into the house, knowing that the poor chickens are lost. You cannot fight the Chupacabra, and of course you are afraid for your own life. You remain awake the whole night, listening the flapping of wings as the Chupacabra drains the blood away from your chickens.
In the morning, when all is quiet, you return to the henhouse. There you find the lifeless bodies of your beloved pollos. All gone. You return to su casa and place some frijoles refritos on a tortilla, sprinkle on some green chilies and queso. You fold the tortilla over and fry it in oil until it is browned on both sides, and you eat it with some sour cream. Later, you go to the market and buy some more pollos.
CEREAL SNACK FOR AGING POTHEADS
You will need:
Cap’n Crunch
Milk
Chocolate syrup
Put down the grass, man, slip your stinky feet into some Birks, and go to the food co-op wearing as much patchouli oil as you can stand. While walking there, think about how the universe is completely aligned to bring you this totally far-out morning, and that each little bird is a creature with its own reality, living in time and in space, and that perhaps those little birds are just figments of your imagination, man. Whoa! Maybe other people’s perception of those birds is totally different, like, when they see a bird, you know? Maybe when they see a bird it looks like a . . . like a . . . like a turtle, man! Or a Matchbox car! Kids are so cool. Also, think about how awesome Bugles corn chips are.
At the co-op, head straight for the cereal. Make sure to have a permanent smile plastered across your face and to say “Greetings, friend!” to those you pass in the aisles. Disdainfully regard anyone in a suit or anyone looking busy or productive. Then reconsider and give them your biggest smile. Tell them, “It’s all good, my friend!”
Consider changing your name to Obadiah Earth Dolphin Phil Lesh Lovely Moonbeam.
Grab the Cap’n Crunch and tell the Cap’n, “Ahoy there, dude!” Bring him home and pour cereal into your favorite handmade pottery bowl; you know, the one that is sort of a puce color that you made while tripping on mescaline. That was some gnarly shit. Good times . . . yeah, good times.
Pour milk over cereal, and then pour on the chocolate syrup, anywhere from two squirts to the whole bottle. Enjoy cereal while listening to your Sounds of the Rain Forest CD to drown out the noise of the neighbor kids stealing your whirligigs.
YOU SAW A GROUP OF GIRLS YOU WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH AT A RESTAURANT AND YOU WERE THEIR WAITRESS CHIPOTLE BEANS AND RICE
You will need:
½ cup pinto beans
1 X-Acto knife
3 cups chicken stock
&nb
sp; ½ cup rice
1 tsp. canned chipotle
chili in adobo sauce
Taking an old yearbook, carefully use X-Acto knife to slash photos of Lisa, Sophie, and Beth*. Leave Jeanne’s face alone, as she was at least nice enough to leave a big tip, but the others deserve to be removed from the yearbook altogether, especially Lisa for the way she kept talking about how you were her “server” and then complained about not only the food but also your attitude. After removal from yearbook, use match to burn Lisa’s photo.
Eat Your Feelings_Recipes for Self-Loathing Page 4