Turn on television just for the sound of the voices. Drink brandy until you fall asleep, comforted by the thought that when you wake up it won’t be Christmas anymore.
HARDTACK FOR LONELY SEAMEN ON WHALING VESSELS
Ye will be needin’:
4 cups flour
4 tsp. salt
2 cups rainwater
For the times betwixt the spottin’ of the great fish and the oily material wherewith, this recipe is mighty good for fixin’ ye some hardtack to quiet the rumblin’ o’ the tummy whilst ye are achin’ for the love of your lassie.
Stir up the flour and the salt while the ship be layin’ still so as not to cause the mixture to spill or be blowin’ off in the hard wind. Mix in the water, stirrin’ it around with the swiftness of a gale, till the paste be not a-stickin’ to the hands. Roll out the dough to resemble a tablet, smooth like the sea in a dead calm, anon piercing it with your fingers as ye would a whale’s blubbery sides with a harpoon.
After the dough is rolled flat like a sail on a windless morn, shape into a rectangle and cut into squares, 3 inches by 3 inches, or exactly the size of the cap’n’s boot buckle.
With a bit of scrimshaw fashioned to a point, press into the dough a pattern of a whale or a maiden blowin’ a horn, but use a gentle hand, not to punch through, but just to press into the dough as ye would dip the rudder in the briny sea. Do this on both sides as ye like, mayhap puttin’ in the likeness of your lassie’s countenance on the aft side; then bake in an oven set to the temperature of 375°F. After 30 minutes, or the amount of time it takes to cleave the pieces of the monster in the blubber room to yield the whale oil, take the hardtack out o’ the oven and eat forthwith.
LEFT AT THE ALTAR PETITS-FOURS LOG
You will need:
Receipts
Linger at the altar no longer than 10 minutes. Be sure when leaving to storm straight down the aisle, not looking at anyone. You have two roles to consider: the poor, heartbroken bride or the angry, vengeful bride. I would opt for heartbroken, as your guests may not expect their gifts to be returned if they feel sorry for you.
Do not take off dress, no matter how uncomfortable you become, as wearing a wedding dress entitles you to order people around. In back of the church or reception hall, demand bridesmaids bring you all the lovely little cakes you and your bastard fiancé spent eighteen months picking out. Send maid of honor to fetch three bottles of champagne.
Take all petits fours and squash them into two log shapes, imagining they’re your fiancé’s face. When the maid of honor arrives with champagne, open one bottle and drink. Glass unnecessary. When mother of the groom arrives to offer sympathy, throw empty bottle at her, being careful to miss her head, as nobody will feel sorry for you anymore if you kill her.
Screaming in a loud voice, tell everyone that you want them to “Leave!” If necessary, push or shove them out of the room, including your closest friends and family members. Turn attention to the gifts. Tear open packages and sort contents into two piles, one for keeping and one for returning. Be sure to keep any gift receipts included with the returns.
Eat second petits-fours log, and tell everyone you know that fiancé would only have sex with you if you wore a blindfold and called him Boss Hog, being sure to elicit additional sympathy by pretending this was confusing and disturbing to you.
PEPPERONI PIZZA FOR AGORAPHOBES
You will need:
1 package dry yeast
1 cup lukewarm water
Pinch of sugar
1 tsp salt
3-3½ cups white flour
Phone
The year was 1994. O. J. Simpson was driving the California freeway in his Bronco, the soundtrack from the motion picture The Bodyguard topped the charts, and thousands of flannel-clad grungies mourned the loss of Kurt Cobain. It was also the last time you left the house. You’ve been getting by on frozen dinners, but now you have a hankering for some fresh pizza.
Put yeast in a warm bowl and pour in water and sugar. Mix well with a fork and leave until yeast starts to foam, about 5-10 minutes. (Leave the mixture—you don’t actually have to leave the house, no need to panic just yet.)
Using a wooden spoon, add salt and aboutof the flour, stirring until dough comes away from sides of the bowl. Sprinkle some of the remaining flour onto a smooth surface and kneed dough, adding a little flour at a time until it is elastic. In the approximately 10 minutes this should take, mentally prepare yourself for procuring pizza toppings. Use tapping therapy, gently knocking on the backs of your hand, on your brow bone, and on your collarbone while you think about how freaked out you’ll be when you have to meet the delivery guy from the grocery store.
Put dough in a lightly oiled mixing bowl and cover with a damp towel. Leave in a warm place for about an hour.
Phone grocery store and ask them to deliver:1 can pizza sauce
1 package shredded mozzarella
1 pepperoni
Have at the ready:1 can opener
1 large ziplock bag
1 paper bag
When deliveryman arrives, brace your back against the wall to steady yourself, as the floor will appear to be dropping out from under you. While tapping vigorously on your collarbone, yell through door at delivery guy to put cheese and pepperoni through the mail slot. When the items are safely inside, quickly pass can opener and ziplock bag through the mail slot and instruct the delivery person to open can, squeeze tomato sauce into plastic bag, and pass it back to you through the slot. If delivery man is uncooperative, shout, “Just do it, man!” over and over, all the while tapping under your eyes with increasing vigor, until he complies. Place paper bag over mouth and nose, and inhale deeply to control hyperventilation.
Preheat oven to 475°F. Stretch or roll dough into a pizzalike shape. Spread sauce over top and cover with cheese and pepperoni. Bake until bubbling, about 15 minutes. Ice collarbone to avoid bruising. Cut pizza into quarters. If delivery man is still outside waiting for a tip, slide one slice of pizza out to him. Assume he’ll find his own napkin.
RELUCTANT BREADWINNER’S QUICHE FOR RESENTFUL WIVES OF STAY-AT-HOME DADS
You will need:
1 whole-wheat piecrust
6 eggs
⅔ cup heavy cream
1 cup milk
Large hunk of Swiss cheese, grated
1 onion
1 Tbs. butter
Rush home from soul-destroying but well-paying job to spend time with your children. Find husband chatting with mommies on urbanbaby.com while children watch Noggin. Give dirty look to husband. When he says, “What? Dora enhances children’s language skills and interpersonal relationships,” give him a second dirty look. When he turns back to the computer to tell his online mommy friends how controlling and judgmental you are, give him a swat to the back of the head.
In kitchen, poke holes in piecrust and preheat oven to 425°F. Line crust with aluminum foil and fill with dried beans or pie weights. Bake in oven for 15 minutes or until golden brown. Slice onion into paper-thin rounds and ask yourself why you married a man who claimed to be an artist but never really created anything. Ask yourself why that didn’t occur to you before you had three children. Sauté onion in butter, over low heat, until golden and caramelized.
Beat together eggs, cream, and milk. Season with salt and pepper. When husband announces he has a “gig” as a DJ at a bar mitzvah next weekend, just ignore it. Grate cheese and spread it around piecrust. Top with onions. Place crust on a baking sheet to avoid spills in the oven—Lord knows, you’ll have to clean it up yourself. Enjoy brief fantasy of husband cooking and cleaning, wearing an apron, and handing you a cocktail when you walk in the door. Snap back to reality when he tells you he needs a little “mad money” because he’s having lunch with the ladies from Baby Yoga tomorrow. Think that if you had known you would be the sole breadwinner for a family of five, you might have majored in economics or math rather than anthropology with a minor in theater arts.
Realize
that if you had not minored in theater arts, you might never have met your husband. Sigh.
Pour eggs over onion and cheese, and bake for 30 minutes or until filling is baked through. If crust gets too brown, cover edges with aluminum foil and continue baking until done. Enjoy with several glasses of wine and irritation.
REJECTED BY SKIDMORE AND THAT WAS YOUR SAFETY SCHOOL CHICKEN FRIED STEAK
You will need:
2 5-inch skirt steaks
1 cup beef broth
2 cups flour
¼ stick butter
Salt and pepper
Season steaks with salt and pepper. Pour broth into one bowl and flour into another. Compose letters to perfidious social studies teacher and guidance counselor who were supposed to write you great recommendations and obviously didn’t—because everyone knows you are a superlative student and an excellent candidate for Skidmore. (Everyone except Skidmore, that is.)
Make preemptive, face-saving strike by composing a letter rescinding your applications to as yet unresponsive colleges and universities. Mark all Skidmore paraphernalia, including mugs and sweatshirts, for your mother’s next yard sale.
Dredge steaks in flour, swish them in broth in a circuitous manner, and then dredge in flour again. Next dredge out your high school transcript and try to figure out what the hell happened. Consider resigning from the National Honor Society, which clearly means about as much as your position as treasurer of the Orienteering Club.
Without becoming querulous, call admissions office at Skidmore. Ask to speak with the dean. When dean is unavailable, ask the receptionist if they realized that you have been on both the Science Olympiad team and the lacrosse team (and not JV, by the way). Hang up when she asks for your name. Who does she think she is anyway? Some sort of plenipotentiary ?
Melt butter in skillet over high heat, add steaks, and cauterize until browned. Put away SAT vocabulary study guide: It’s too late for that now. Enjoy with gravy, if desired, and arrange a trip out of town for your first “semester,” perhaps a job with a traveling Renaissance Faire. Refer to college as stifling to your creativity.
YOUR BIRTHDAY IS SEPTEMBER 11 CHOCOLATE MUD CAKE
You will need:
4 oz. unsweetened chocolate,
chopped
3 oz. best-quality bitter
sweet chocolate, chopped
1½ sticks butter
1½ cups brewed coffee
5 Tbs. bourbon
2 eggs
1 tsp. vanilla
2 cups cake flour
1¾ cups sugar
1 tsp. baking soda
¼ tsp. salt
Dash cinnamon
Cups of liquid
Invitations
SOME TIPS FOR THE PARTY
Begin two weeks prior to birthday by sending out invitations printed as follows:
Please come for a party to celebrate my birthday!
Where: My house!
When: Second Saturday in September
Do not mention the date or the numbers nine or eleven. Remove all calendars and other indicators of date/month from your home. In fact, avoid the decade in question altogether and make it a seventies theme party and play disco music!
Do not hold the party between 9:00 and 10:00 a.m., to avoid those respectful yet awkward moments of silence.
Place cups of liquid randomly throughout house.
No flags! In fact, there should be as little to remind people of what country they are in as possible. That means rethinking your “America the Great” decorative plate set.
Do not talk about firemen or fire, and refrain from using the words “finest” or “bravest.”
Good topics for conversation are other days in September. Try, “Labor Day is also in September. Labor Day is great!” If the tragedy should come up in conversation, quickly grab nearest cup of liquid and spill it on somebody.
Be sure to open presents first, just in case the mood turns. Don’t forget to tell people how safe and secure they are and, whatever you do, don’t mention Osama bin Laden.
FOR THE CAKE
Preheat oven to 275°F. Butter two 8-inch springform pans, line with parchment paper, and dust with flour. In a large pot, melt chocolate with butter and coffee—make sure the coffee is extra strong to keep people peppy! Stir constantly until smooth. Remove from heat for 10 minutes while you practice disco moves.
Beat in bourbon, eggs, and vanilla, then sift in flour, sugar, baking soda, salt, and cinnamon. Stir until smooth and divide between pans, then bake for 1 hour or until cake tester comes out with bits of cake gently adhering to it. Turn onto a wire rack to cool before frosting with bright, cheerful colors (avoid red, white, and blue).
IT’S TIME TO SETTLE SPAGHETTI CARBONARA FOR WOMEN IN THEIR “THIRTIES”
You will need:
1 lb. spaghetti
4 slices bacon
2 cloves garlic, sliced
2 eggs
½ cup Parmesan cheese
1 Tbs. chopped fresh parsley
Cook bacon in a large skillet until crisp. Pour off most of fat and sauté garlic. If drinking wine while cooking, do not send “sexy” text message to your ex. Neither he nor his frustratingly younger new girlfriend will appreciate the interruption.
Cook spaghetti in a large pot of boiling salted water until al dente, as you have done many, many lonely nights before. Reply to e-mail from your mother’s coworker from the regional sales office’s flirty cousin. Drain spaghetti and reserve a small cup of the cooking water.
Whisk together eggs and Parmesan and try to figure out what went wrong. You had boyfriends. Lots of them. Lord knows that if you’re single for long enough the numbers add up. Some of them even seemed to like you. Maybe you’ve been too picky. It’s not that you’ve been too focused on your career, because professionally speaking you’re not that impressive. If the thought arises that the problem is that you are unlovable, push it down while gradually adding reserved pasta cooking water to egg mixture. Submit online profile to Match.com and hope you don’t get a psychopath, or if he has to be a psychopath, that he has a respectable day job and can wear a suit well.
Return pasta to the skillet and pour egg mixture on top, stirring until eggs are no longer raw. Think of your own eggs, which are presumably hard boiled by now. Find name of sperm bank, just as a backup. Stir in bacon and parsley and enjoy with your cat.
YOU ARE OVERQUALIFIED FOR YOUR JOB AND THEY MAKE YOU GET THE DONUTS SUPER VEGGIE DOG
You will need:
Veggie dogs
Buns
Mustard
Ketchup
Relish
French-fried onions
Place Band-Aids on fingers to prevent mustard from getting in all the paper cuts you received while stuffing envelopes at work. In back of closet, find diploma from Harvard Business School. Decide to place it in a prominent place in your cubicle to let all the assistants know just who it is they are sending on errands. If you did not attend Harvard Business School, or any other school of recognizable worth, purchase banners, school posters, or athletic memorabilia from Harvard to create the appearance that you did.
Prepare veggie dogs according to package directions. In a small bowl, mix together mustard, ketchup, and relish. You should be able to calculateof each condiment using skills learned when you acquired each of your several financial licenses (six, to be exact). None of which has thus far proved entirely necessary.
Spread condiment mixture on hot dog bun, place hot dog snugly inside, and top with french-fried onions. Eat hot dog as you run to pick up the dry cleaning for your firm’s IT guy. Be sure to keep receipts for reimbursement on the off chance that you actually get reimbursed this time.
NOT EVEN A TOTAL LOSER WOULD SLEEP WITH YOU OATMEAL COOKIES
You will need:
3 cups brown sugar
3 cups butter
6 cups oatmeal
1 Tbs. baking soda
3 cups flour
Lower standards
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What went wrong this time? Sexy outfit? Check. Big beautiful hair? Check. Glimmering, pouting lips? Check. So how come you’re home at 9:30 with the wrappers still on the condoms? Perhaps, as you suspected at the time, he really was autistic. Preheat the oven to 350°F.
Eat Your Feelings_Recipes for Self-Loathing Page 7