Eat Your Feelings_Recipes for Self-Loathing

by Heather Whaley

  Hefty pinch crushed red pepper

  1 can kidney beans, drained

  1 red pepper, diced

  Xanax

  Install soundproofing to prevent neighbors from calling child-protection services when they hear you screaming at your children. Brown beef in a pan with onions, garlic, and pepper. Put toddler to bed. When she refuses to stay quietly in her room, take away Mr. Snuggles, her bear. If she still refuses to be quiet, tell her that you gave Mr. Snuggles to a little girl named Stacy, who knows how to be quiet at bedtime. If this still does not work, tell her that you have arranged for her to sleep at the neighbor’s house and have her put on her shoes.

  Drain fat from pan and add tomatoes, sugar, chili powder and oregano. Call in ten-year-old son to help you. When he accidentally spills some tomato on the counter, scream, “That’s it, you clumsy reject. I’m outta here!” Then tell him that you have no idea who his real father is. Bring all ingredients to a boil and reduce heat to simmer for 1 hour. Grab your keys and go out for a beer.

  Steal seventeen-year-old son’s cell phone and text all his super-hot friends to come over. Put on your tightest, shortest skirt and a push-up bra. Smear on some black eyeliner to distract from the bags. Add beans to pot and simmer for 15 minutes more. Enjoy chili with son’s friends, taking care to spill some on your heaving breasts and suggestively lick it off with your tongue.

  TWENTY-NINE AND STILL CAN’T PAY YOUR RENT VEGGIE SANDWICH

  You will need:

  Recycling center

  Absence of pride

  Internet access

  Bun

  Take one month’s worth of empty beer cans to recycling center. Stand in line and when it is your turn feed your cans into the machine and collect money. Do not be tempted to buy gum ball from a machine for twenty-five cents—that’s five cans! Instead head to a friend’s house (make sure they have Internet access) and post an ad on craigslist, offering whatever services you can. If you have no available services, consider offering your back as advertising space, donating body fluids, or medical testing.

  Head to nearest Roy Rogers and purchase a single, plain bun. Stop off at the free Fixin’s Bar and load that sucker up with all the lettuce, tomato, onion, and pickles you can handle. Smother in your choice of condiment.

  Call parents and beg for assistance with rent. Use as incentive the threat to donate eggs or sperm, painting vivid portrait of their potential grand-children on sale to the general public.

  CORN CAKE FOR INDIGENOUS PEOPLES

  You will need:

  Maize

  Squash

  Pelts

  Pumpkin

  Wampum

  Pheasants

  Grind maize with stones to make a grain. Add to this grain the sweet substance of the bee, salt, and water. Make into a pancake and cook over fire. You will be able to bring to palefaces who are camped near the shoreline. You hear the white men will offer three axe handles and much wampum for the Great Brother Mountain and cannot believe they would be so wrong-minded—who could own a mountain? You will gladly take the axe handles, for this winter will be harsh and much wood will be needed.

  Bring maize cake to camp. As you approach, put your hand up to show that you come in peace. Run fast when they take out their fire sticks and point their lightning at you. They must not have need for maize cakes.

  Decide that the white men need some pelts to keep them warm in the long winter that is ahead. This time, bring pelts and also squash, beans, and several pheasants, to show good will. As you approach, put your hand up and show them the pelts. When their womenfolk begin to scream, take this as a sign that they are going to get their fire sticks. Run swiftly as a deer into the cover of the forest.

  Seek help of your great chief, Massasoit, who took you in when the white folk tried to enslave you and then killed all your tribe. Massasoit counsels you to return again, because these poor confused people will have no hope of surviving the winter if you don’t help them with food and pelts. Massasoit advises to bring a pumpkin—among men is there one who does not like pumpkins? And his word is wise. Also bring wampum and beads for the women.

  Try to avoid giving the food to the white men with the funny shoes with buckles on them—they are skittish and quick to anger. If necessary, sneak into camp at night and just leave the food and pelts for them. Do not accept, in trade for food and pelts, any blankets from the white man! These blankets are covered with the germs of smallpox and will send you to the spirit world.

  One day these people will honor you for saving their lives, with the painting of a warrior chief. It will be on a hat that is worn in a game played with the skin of a pig. And you will have great justice when fat white folk in skins called “tracksuits” give you much wampum in large wigwams called “casinos.”

  YOU STOPPED SLEEPING WITH YOUR HUSBAND YEARS AGO PROVENÇAL TOMATO TARTLET

  You will need:

  1 package puff pastry, defrosted

  Olive oil

  1 can plum tomatoes, whole

  1 clove garlic, crushed

  1 onion, thinly sliced

  Small knob of butter

  1 cup Gruyère, shredded

  Sliced olives

  1 Tbs. herbes de Provence

  Preheat oven to 325°F. Wearing the velour tracksuit that has become your uniform, roll out puff pastry on a parchment-lined baking sheet and brush with olive oil. When husband enters room, try to hide disdain. Quickly move when he comes near you so as not to make actual bodily contact—don’t want to give him the wrong idea! Place tomatoes in a sauce pot and set on stove over medium heat. Add herbs and garlic.

  Using time you have saved by giving up painful personal-grooming appointments, slice onions very thin and sauté in butter over low heat until caramelized.

  Score the edge of the pastry, being careful not to push the knife all the way through the dough. Suspiciously eye husband to see if he is attractively dressed or smelling nicely or smiling for no reason. When it is certain that he is still the annoying, depressing guy he was when he left the house that morning, relax in the knowledge that he is not looking for sex outside the marriage. Or even if he is looking for it, that potbelly tells you he’s not getting it. Just because you’re not sleeping with him doesn’t mean you want him sleeping with anyone else.

  If husband looks at you in suggestive manner, employ one of the following techniques:1. Pass gas

  2. Talk about your yeast infection

  3. Ask if he has called his mother lately

  4. Casually ask if he has seen the maxi pads

  5. Play your Indigo Girls collection and excitedly sing along, using hairbrush as microphone

  Spread tomatoes on pastry and top with onions. Cover with shredded Gruyère and scatter olives over the top. While tart bakes, for 20-25 minutes or until pastry is golden brown and cheese is bubbling, pretend not to notice as husband takes unusually long time in the bathroom.

  RAINBOW SHERBET ’CAUSE YOUR BOSS IS A PERVERT

  You will need:

  Small tape recorder

  One wafer cone

  One scoop rainbow sherbet

  Attorney

  New job

  At work, act as though everything is normal. When your boss shouts out, “Hey! Who did you go home with last night—you’re walking a little bowlegged!” just ignore him. When he stands near your cubicle, sniffs the air, and says, “Smells like somebody’s in heat!” just keep your head down and say nothing. When he calls you into his office to show you photos of a woman in an acrobatic position with a horse, just say, “Oh, look at that.” Then leave.

  Quietly enter all of these instances into your journal. Turn on small tape recorder in your pocket and ask him if he likes your new shoes, so that you can record his response: “I’d like ’em better if your feet were up around your ears.” Tell your boss you have a dentist appointment.

  Take tape and journal to attorney. Stop by ice cream parlor of choice and ask for an extra-large cone of rainbow she
rbet. Return to office in time for process server to hand your boss the papers. When the papers have been handed over, shove cone in your boss’s face. Those added calories won’t help in your upcoming job search.

  EVIL STEPMOTHER’S ROCK CANDY

  You will need:

  Sugar

  Food coloring

  String

  Wax paper

  Galvanized washers

  Ajax

  Ipecac

  Tell your stepchildren that you are going to make them rock candy. Be sure their father is around when you make the announcement so that he sees how wonderful you are with his children. Invent a story about how the making of rock candy was a tradition in your family and you want to share it with them—your new family. Ignore blank stares and scornful scoffs.

  In kitchen, tell children to gather around the stove. When they reluctantly comply, boil 2 cups water and add sugar, stirring until dissolved. Pour boiling hot sugar mixture into as many jars as you have spoiled, selfish stepchildren. Do not “accidentally” spill insanely hot liquid on the children, as that would result in their father feeling sorry for them. That’s sympathy you’re entitled to.

  Ask them what color they would like their candy to be. Place each kid’s desired coloring into its respective jar. Tie one end of string to washer to act as a weight. Dip string into jar and then lay it flat on a piece of wax paper for a few days. Children will inevitably lose interest in the project. At this time, discard the lot and purchase rock candy from a store. For a particularly rotten stepchild, spray rock candy with cleanser containing bleach. If you go this route, be sure to have vomit-inducing ipecac on hand. No need to go to prison over these brats.

  PMS POT STICKERS

  You will need:

  40 wonton wrappers

  ½ pound ground pork

  1 egg

  Chocolate

  ¼ cup chopped scallion

  ¼ cup shredded carrots

  ¼ cup duck sauce

  Water

  1½ cups oil for frying

  Midol

  Someone to yell at

  ½ cup soy sauce

  1 tsp. sesame oil

  Remove medieval torture device otherwise known as a bra. Put on comfy sweat pants to allow for bloating. If someone should cross your path as you go to change, yell at them. If they cross your path again, give them a good shove so they don’t do it again.

  Preheat oven to 200°F. In a large bowl, combine pork, egg, scallion, carrots, and duck sauce. Eat chocolate. Place one wonton in front of you and brush sides with water. Place ½ tsp. pork mixture in center of wonton. Do not mindlessly eat pork mixture or confuse it with chocolate, as raw pork is teeming with deadly bacteria and will kill you. Fold wonton and seal edges. Place wonton on a baking sheet under a damp towel. Repeat with remaining wontons.

  Place a large nonstick skillet over high heat and add 1 Tbs. oil, to coat bottom. Take Midol to combat both cramps and the splitting headache that has resulted from the filling and folding of so many wontons. Rethink decision to embark on such a tedious endeavor. After all, pot stickers are just a phone call away. Consider the limp greasy mess that is a delivery order of pot stickers and place 10 dumplings in the hot pan and fry for 2 minutes until the bottoms are golden brown. Add 1 cup water and cover, cooking 5 minutes or until water is absorbed. Place on baking sheet in warmed oven and repeat with remaining wontons.

  Mix soy sauce and sesame oil together. Dunk pot stickers into dipping sauce while having a good cry and trying to remember that PMS is far better than the alternatives: pregnancy, menopause, or a complete hysterectomy.

  DUMPED ON NEW YEAR’S EVE MEATBALL SANDWICH

  You will need:

  1 loaf Italian bread

  Butter

  1 cup tomato sauce

  10 frozen meatballs

  ½ cup shredded mozzarella

  Parmesan cheese

  Large box

  Take off party dress—you aren’t going anywhere. Throw party hats and noisemakers in garbage. Close windows and turn on music very loud so as not to hear revelers in the street. But don’t discard the champagne—that would be a terrible idea. In fact, pour yourself a large tumbler of it and preheat the oven to 325°F.

  Slice bread lengthwise just as your former boyfriend sliced through your heart. Spread butter on both sides of bread and place in the oven until lightly toasted. Prepare meatballs according to package directions. Stop crying before handling hot meatballs. Take five deep breaths to calm heaving sobs. Remove bread from oven and place on a baking sheet.

  Arrange meatballs on bread and top with sauce and mozzarella, reserving two meatballs and a little bit of sauce. Take stupid snow globe that your ex-boyfriend thought was a romantic Christmas gift and throw it out the window just to hear it smash on the street. If it should hit a New Year’s Eve reveler on the head, all the better. In any case, they will most likely be too drunk to remember it.

  Sprinkle Parmesan cheese over sandwich and return to oven. Squeeze together reserved meatballs and sauce to resemble fecal matter. Place in box. Plaster with ex-boyfriend’s address and place by door so you don’t forget to take it to post office when it opens on January 2. Bake sandwich until cheese is melted and enjoy with more champagne as you consider that things could be worse—you could be Dick Clark.

  UGLY BABY CHEESE SANDWICH

  You will need:

  2 slices white bread

  1 pack sliced Monterey Jack cheese

  1 firm, ripe tomato

  CGI software

  1 pack of chips

  Toast bread until lightly brown. Place 3-4 slices of cheese on 1 piece of toasted bread. Cut 1 thick slice of the tomato and lay on top of cheese. Do not lay a picture of Shiloh Jolie-Pitt over your baby’s face, because although this will improve the aesthetics of the infant, it may cause suffocation or further disfigurement via paper cuts.

  Using CGI software, create images of how baby will look in ten, twenty, thirty years. It is best to brace for the worst, as ugly toddlers and teens can be even worse than ugly babies. Keep in mind—Bill Gates probably did not win any cutest-baby contests.

  Carefully take a handful of chips and place them on top of the tomato. Reinvest your baby’s college-fund money in plastic-surgery savings account and set aside extra money to purchase future prom dates. Gently press other slice of toasted bread on top. Microwave for approximately 25 seconds or until cheese has fully melted. Serve sandwich with side of chips and tell others your real baby was switched at birth.

  MIDLIFE CRISIS RIB EYE

  You will need:

  Ferrari

  1 large rib-eye steak

  Butter

  Salt

  Pepper

  Young girlfriend

  Wake to find gray hair where you previously had none. In a panic manifested by an overwhelming sense of looming mortality, divorce wife. Rent snazzy apartment in midtown high-rise and furnish it entirely in beige leather and hang portraits of famous boxers on the walls. At nearby butcher, buy meatiest, grizzliest piece of rib eye available.

  Once home, smear steak with butter, season with salt and pepper, and turn the grill on high, just like your blood pressure is going to be when this is all over. Call young lady friend (a former babysitter or daughter of a friend will do). She must be fifteen to twenty years younger than you, any more and it’s just gross.

  Place rib eye on grill and call Ferrari dealer. No need to take a test-drive: You’ve been dreaming about this car since you were eighteen, and you deserve it! Have them send over a Gran Turismo, in cherry red, with a white leather interior and a really loud sound system to blast your girlfriend’s Avril Lavigne CDs. It would also be a good idea to make it a convertible so that you can spend the summer driving around showing off the bulging muscles you plan to get after all those hours you plan on spending in the gym.

  After 3 minutes, flip steak, and return call from your children’s psychiatrist. Make appointment for tedious family therapy session. It’s
going to be a drag, so be sure to line up fun evening with girlfriend for later in the night—perhaps dancing?

  When steak is done, dig in with no fear of clogging your aging, tired arteries. So what if the clock is ticking? You only live once.

  INGLE MOTHER BEEF STEW

  You will need:

  4 8 oz. cans diet Red Bull

  1 lb. stew beef

  2 stalks celery, chopped

  2 carrots, chopped

  Babysitter

  ½ lb. new potatoes

  1 onion