Eat Your Feelings_Recipes for Self-Loathing
Page 11
Warmest Regards,
Heather Whaley
Some places to eat your feelings:
Bathroom
The office
The White House
Hallways
Public toilets
Airplanes
A stairwell
Across the street from your ex-boyfriend’s house
Across the street from where your ex-boyfriend works
Across the street from where your ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend lives
Under your ex-boyfriend’s bed
Church
In midair while skydiving (not recommended)
Criminal courthouse
Halfway inside the refrigerator
The Laundromat
The DMV
Food court (preferred)
In your parked car
In a friend’s parked car
The attic
In bed
Parole office
Window ledge
Floor of the stock exchange
Bus depot
The prom
Some books to read while eating your feelings:
War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy
The Catcher in the Rye by J. D. Salinger
You’ll Never Eat Lunch in This Town Again by Julia Phillips
Helter Skelter by Vincent Bugliosi
People magazine
Don’t Make Me Stop This Car: Adventures in Fatherhood by Al Roker
Flowers in the Attic by V. C. Andrews
Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov
Things I Overheard While Talking to Myself by Alan Alda
Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret by Judy Blume
User’s Manual Guide to Troubleshooting iMac and iPhone
Don’t Let Your Kids Kill You: A Guide for Parents of Drug and Alcohol Addicted Children by Charles Rubin
Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book by AA Services
Twilight by Stephenie Meyer (good for unattractive teens and stay-at-home moms)
Classified ads
Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix
Class with the Countess by Luann de Lesseps
Racing forms
Talking with Serial Killers: The Most Evil People in the World Tell Their Own Stories by Christopher Berry-Dee
Madame Bovary by Gustave Flaubert
Secrets of the Baby Whisperer by Tracy Hogg and Melinda Blau
Justin: The Unauthorized Biography by Sean Smith
Sex for Dummies by Dr. Ruth K. Westheimer
Diary of a Wimpy Kid by Jeff Kinney
Some people with whom to eat your feelings:
Stranger resting on a bench,
Stranger hiding in a trench.
Stranger sitting on a box,
Stranger winding up the clocks.
Stranger swimming in a tank,
Stranger working at a bank.
A baseball coach or Phyllis Diller,
A crossing guard, a serial killer.
Someone who is very fat,
Someone who just stole your cat.
Someone who is nice and lean,
Someone who will stop and clean (your dishes).
Someone who is feeling cozy,
Barney Frank and Nance Pelosi.
Someone who knows all your flaws,
Jack and Jill and Santa Claus.
A friend you’ve known for very long,
Someone who makes egg foo yong.
The president, a Minotaur,
Mr. T, Pat Benatar.
A hot dog man, or Peter Pan,
The troll inside your garbage can.
You, yourself, and no other,
Definitely not your husband’s mother.
Someone small or someone tall,
Anyone and one and all.
Some music to listen to while eating your feelings:
“I Am a Rock” by Simon and Garfunkel
“Blue” by Joni Mitchell
“Making Love Out of Nothing at All” by Air Supply
“Another Saturday Night” by Cat Stevens
“Send In the Clowns” by Melissa Manchester
“I Guess That’s Why They Call It the Blues” by Elton John
“I Am . . . I Said” by Neil Diamond
“I Got a Name” by Jim Croce
“Womanizer” by Britney Spears
“You’re So Vain” by Carly Simon
“Don’t Look Back In Anger” by Oasis
“No Woman No Cry” by Bob Marley
“I Ain’t Missin You” by John Waite
“Take This Job and Shove It” by Johnny Paycheck
“Lookin’ for Love” by Johnny Lee
“Fooled Around and Fell In Love” by Elvin Bishop
“Never Surrender” by Corey Hart
“The First Cut Is the Deepest” by Cat Stevens
“Wave of Mutilation” by the Pixies
“Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover” by Paul Simon
“Creep” by Radiohead
I’m a Loser by Doris Duke (whole album)
“Not the Girl You Think You Are” by Crowded House
“Raining Blood” by Slayer
Nothing by Michael Buble
Nothing by Josh Groban
Nothing by Celine Dion
Nothing by James Blunt
Nothing by Dan Fogelberg
Nothing by Steely Dan
Nothing by Bruce Hornsby
Some things to avoid while eating your feelings:
Conversation
Confrontation
Competitive fencing
Cage fighting
Cage diving with great white sharks
Utensils
Mirrors
Clothing
Paparazzi
Children
Skiing
Performing in the ballet
Making important speeches
Getting married
Filing taxes
Choking
Newscasting
The man
Children
Space flight (zero gravity not conducive to rapid eating)
Forensics
Scales
Video cameras
Tricky wrappers or child-proof containers
Traffic accidents (especially when eating on the go)
Acknowledgments
There are a number of people I need to thank, as this book would not have been possible without the generosity and humility of a lot of people.
First off, I am truly fortunate to have a husband who is as supportive and awesome as mine. His advice and guidance have been, and continue to be, invaluable. Thanks, Frank. To Buster and Tallulah, thank you for being patient while Mommy is immersed in the computer, and for being so hilarious and enthusiastic and imaginative and inspiring.
The rest of my family: Jason Bucha—everyone should be so lucky as to have a brilliant attorney in their family, but my brother is the best. For real. Lindsay Bernsohn and Becky Bucha helped with so many of the photos and read so many drafts and, most of all, provided inspiration for many of the recipes (not saying which ones). I love you guys. My grandmother, Mary Bucha, bestowed upon me many of the recipes herein. My mother, Carolyn Bucha, imparted still others, as well as ideas and encouragement. You used to say one day I would write a cookbook, but I bet this isn’t what you had in mind. My father, Paul Bucha, and his wife, Cynthia, took part in a hilarious impromptu photo shoot at a rest stop on the New Jersey Turnpike. My mother-in-law, Josephine Timilione, has the most obscure and wonderful cookbook collection and was kind enough to lend it to me. Matt Bernsohn didn’t mind me exploiting him or his employees and hooked me up with so many people to photograph. Chris Baran not only gave me photos, but drew me a super-excellent chupacabra to boot.
Many people helped me with either time, inspiration, photographic excellence, or by allowing me to take pictures of them in compromising positions, they are: Stefanie Badwey, Seth Bardelas, Nicole Brodeur, An-drew Kirk, Tuki Lucero,
Kelly McCann, Marianne O’Brien, Michael Pam palone, Matthew Rudnicki, Ella Solomons, and Sophia Wood.
And finally, to my very dear friend, Luke Dempsey, who can’t get rid of me as easily as he thought; the amazing Erin Malone and Jennifer Walsh at WME; Clare Ferraro, Anna Sternoff, Elizabeth Keenan, Alexandra Ramstrum, Caroline Sutton, and everyone at Hudson Street Press, thank you for making this dream come true.
Index
Aging
Bad Botox Bolognese
Caught Mom and Dad in the Act Tater Tot Casserole
Cereal Snack for Aging Potheads
Cinnamon-Spiced Apple Fritter for When Your Husband Ran Off with the Babysitter
Forty Years Old and Fired from Starbucks Chewy Fruit and Nut Cookie Stack
It’s Time to Settle Spaghetti Carbonara for Women in Their “Thirties”
Midlife Crisis Rib Eye
Stir-Fry for Stretch Marks
Twenty-nine and Still Can’t Pay Your Rent Veggie Sandwich
Valentine’s Day Party Ryes for Divorcées
You Were a Bully in Middle School Banana Bread
Your Decor Hasn’t Changed Since College Pizza Loaf
Alcoholism
Breakfast Sandwich for Morning-After Regret
Cocktail Nibbles for Alcoholics
Double-Detox Milk Shake
Drunk and Disorderly Donut Pudding
The Slammin’ Chick from the Club Was Not at All a Chick Chicken Club
You Got Drunk and Called Your Friend a Slut in Front of Her Father Cheeseburger Soup
Apples
Cinnamon-Spiced Apple Fritter for When Your Husband Ran Off with the Babysitter
Double Crust Apple Pie for Recreational Bulimics
Bananas
Moving to Russia to Look for Work Chocobanbutt Panini
Sky-High Banana Cream Pie Because You Are Dating a Married Guy
You Were a Bully in Middle School Banana Bread
Beef
Bad Botox Bolognese
Dumped on New Year’s Eve Meatball Sandwich
Found Out Your Birth Mother Was a Carney Hot Beef Sundae
Hamburger Casserole for When Nobody Loves You and Never Will
Midlife Crisis Rib Eye
Rejected by Skidmore and That Was Your Safety School Chicken Fried Steak
Single Mother Beef Stew
Three-Alarm Chili for Bad Mothers
You Got Drunk and Called Your Friend a Slut in Front of Her Father Cheeseburger Soup
Your Decor Hasn’t Changed Since College Pizza Loaf
Your Dreams Will Never Come True Hungarian Goulash
Your Marriage Is a Disaster Sicilian Lasagna
Betrayal
Breakfast Sandwich for Morning-After Regret
Cinnamon-Spiced Apple Fritter for When Your Husband Ran Off with the Babysitter
You Did Not Sign Up for This Crap Crêpes Suzette for Wives of Former Bankers
You Got Drunk and Called Your Friend a Slut in Front of Her Father Cheeseburger Soup,
Beverages
Double-Detox Milk Shake
Biology
Caught Mom and Dad in the Act Tater Tot Casserole
Found Out Your Birth Mother Was a Carney Hot Beef Sundae
Home Fries for the Uninsured
It’s Time to Settle Spaghetti Carbonara for Women in Their “Thirties”
Midlife Crisis Rib Eye
PMS Pot Stickers
Stir-Fry for Stretch Marks
Totally Bowlegged Double Deviled Egg(ed) Salad
Unwanted Pregnancy Kielbasa and Sauerkraut
You Farted Loudly in the Elevator Green Curry Chicken
Breads
Corn Cake for Indigenous Peoples
The Whole Office Read Your Journal Yummy Oatmeal Muffins
You Were a Bully in Middle School Banana Bread
Your Dad Is a Scumbag Monkey Bread
Breakfast
Admonished by Male Stripper for Inappropriate Behavior Tarragon Scrambled Eggs
Breakfast Sandwich for Morning-After Regret
Cereal Snack for Aging Potheads
Double-Detox Milk Shake
Gravy Cheese Fries for a Big Fat Fatty
Reluctant Breadwinner’s Quiche for Resentful Wives of Stay-at-Home Dads
The Whole Office Read Your Journal Yummy Oatmeal Muffins
Who’s the Daddy? Flapjacks
You Did Not Sign Up for This Crap Crêpes Suzette for Wives of Former Bankers
You Were a Bully in Middle School Banana Bread
Your Dad Is a Scumbag Monkey Bread
Cake
Your Birthday Is September 11 Chocolate Mud Cake
Candy
Evil Stepmother’s Rock Candy
Cannibalism
Emergency Food Source for Plane-Crash Survivors
Casserole
Caught Mom and Dad in the Act Tater Tot Casserole
Hamburger Casserole for When Nobody Loves You and Never Will
Cereal
Cereal Snack for Aging Potheads
Cheese
Alopecia Pizza
Cheese Fondue Because Your Therapist Fell Asleep on You
Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac ’n’ Cheese
Gravy Cheese Fries for a Big Fat Fatty
Little Sister Earns More than You Ham and Cheese Toastie
Slept with Your Professor and He Still Gave You a D Baked Brie
Ugly Baby Cheese Sandwich
Worst Date Ever Nutty Cheese Ball
You Got Drunk and Called Your Friend a Slut in Front of Her Father Cheeseburger Soup, You Stopped Sleeping with Your Husband Years Ago Provençal Tomato Tartlet
Cheese Ball
Worst Date Ever Nutty Cheese Ball
Chicken
Chicken Teriyaki for When Your Career in Advertising Has Destroyed Your Soul
He Only Married You for His Green Card Chicken Salad
Mom’s Old-Fashioned Chicken Noodle Soup for Closet Cases
Staying Together for the Children Chicken Tetrazzini
Stinking No Good Brokedown Car Buttermilk Fried Chicken
Stir-Fry for Stretch Marks
The Slammin’ Chick from the Club Was Not at All a Chick Chicken Club
You Farted Loudly in the Elevator Green Curry Chicken
You Walked All the Way to Your Office without Realizing Your Skirt Was Tucked into Your Underpants Sesame Chicken
Chimichanga
¡El Chupacabra Ate All the Chickens! Chimichanga
Chocolate
Cereal Snack for Aging Potheads
Lonely Christmas Pudding
Manic-Depressive Brownies, Two Ways!
Moving to Russia to Look for Work Chocobanbutt Panini
Your Birthday Is September 11 Chocolate Mud Cake
Cookies
Forty Years Old and Fired from Starbucks Chewy Fruit and Nut Cookie Stack
Not Even a Total Loser Would Sleep with You Oatmeal Cookies
Corn
Corn Cake for Indigenous Peoples
Crêpes
You Did Not Sign Up for This Crap Crêpes Suzette for Wives of Former Bankers
Dessert
Cinnamon-Spiced Apple Fritter for When Your Husband Ran Off with the Babysitter
Double Crust Apple Pie for Recreational Bulimics
Double-Detox Milk Shake
Drunk and Disorderly Donut Pudding
Evil Stepmother’s Rock Candy
Halloween Costume Proved Offensive to All Your Coworkers Chocolate Smorgasbord
He Likes Your Roommate Key Lime Pie
Left at the Altar Petits-Fours Log
Lonely Christmas Pudding
Manic-Depressive Brownies, Two Ways!
Post-traumatic Stress Disorder Sweet Potato Pie
Rainbow Sherbet ’Cause Your Boss Is a Pervert
Sky-High Banana Cream Pie Because You Are Dating a Married Guy
You Did Not Sign Up for This Crap Crêpes Suzette for Wives of Former Bankers, Your
Birthday Is September 11 Chocolate Mud Cake
Your Brother Really Was Mom’s Favorite Peach Pie
Your Dad Is a Scumbag Monkey Bread
Disappointment
Failed the GED Creamed Spinach for Idiots
Found Out Your Birth Mother Was a Carney Hot Beef Sundae
He Likes Your Roommate Key Lime Pie
It’s Time to Settle Spaghetti Carbonara for Women in Their “Thirties,”
Not Even a Total Loser Would Sleep with You Oatmeal Cookies
Perfect Mashed Potatoes for Disappointed Parents
Reluctant Breadwinner’s Quiche for Resentful Wives of Stay-at-Home Dads
Ugly Baby Cheese Sandwich
Worst Date Ever Nutty Cheese Ball
You Stopped Sleeping with Your Husband Years Ago Provençal Tomato Tartlet, Your Dad Is a Scumbag Monkey Bread
Your Dreams Will Never Come True Hungarian Goulash
Disorders
ADHD Alphabet Soup
Alopecia Pizza
Double Crust Apple Pie for Recreational Bulimics
Manic-Depressive Brownies, Two Ways!
OCD BLT
Pepperoni Pizza for Agoraphobes
Postpartum Potato Pierogies