Until Harry

by L. A. Casey

  The bruising on her forehead and the rest of her face didn’t look that bad, but logically I knew it was because she was dead, and that meant her body wasn’t working anymore. Her heart wasn’t pumping blood to give a distinct colour to her skin any longer.

  I didn’t know how long I stayed with her, but when I kissed her and left the room, I was shivering with the cold. Kale, who was sitting on the floor where I’d left him outside of the morgue, jumped to his feet when he saw me return.

  “Are you okay?” he asked.

  I shook my head but said nothing.

  “Darling,” he murmured.

  “She’s really dead,” I whispered. “I touched her. She is really cold, her skin is sickly pale and she has no heartbeat. She’s not moving, she’s so still . . . just lying there with a little white sheet over her body.”

  “Lane,” Kale sighed, and put his arms around my body, hugging me to him.

  It was a weird thought, but I wondered what Drew would do if she knew Kale was with me. She’d probably lay me up in the morgue right next to Lavender.

  “Sweetheart,” he murmured, “you’re scaring me. I’ve never seen you so withdrawn before.”

  I blinked up at Kale and said, “I don’t feel anything. What’s wrong with me?”

  He frowned. “It’s shock, that’s all.”

  I felt numb, and I didn’t like not feeling anything. I looked up at Kale then and decided I needed to feel something. Without warning, I lifted my face to his and brushed my lips against his. For a moment he applied a sliver of pressure, but then he broke away.

  “I can’t, Lane,” he whispered as he pulled back from me. “I’m with Drew.”

  I felt like I’d been kicked in the stomach, and my chest ached. I got what I wanted. I didn’t feel numb anymore.

  “I know.” I looked down, realising it was a shitty thing I’d just tried to do knowing good and well that he was taken. “I’m sorry.”

  “It’s okay,” he said, his voice low. “Do you want to go home?”

  I shook my head. “I want to go see my uncle.”

  Kale nodded and exited the hospital with me. He called Lochlan on the way out to come and pick us up. We waited outside in complete silence. Kale turned to speak to me a couple of times but never got the words out. It got on my last nerve, so after the sixth time he did it, I said, “Just bloody say whatever it is you have to say.”

  “Drew, she’s . . . she’s pregnant,” he blurted out.

  I stopped breathing.

  “She’s having my baby.” He swallowed audibly. “I’m going to be a dad, Lane.”

  I felt the blood drain from my face, and in that moment I was thankful I’d already puked today, because otherwise vomit would be covering Kale’s polished-up shoes.

  “Lane?” he prompted. “Say something, please?”

  I only knew one thing to say that was acceptable.

  “Congratulations,” I whispered.

  Kale took a step closer to me. “I didn’t want to tell you today of all days, but . . . but with what happened back there between us, I felt like you should know.”

  I let that sink in, then after a moment, I looked up at Kale’s face.

  “How long have you known Drew is pregnant?” I asked.

  Kale paled. “A few weeks now.”

  I took a step away from him. “A few weeks?”

  He tried to close the space between us, but I held my hand up in front of his chest.

  “Don’t,” I said, my voice almost a snarl. “Don’t touch me.”

  “I’m so sorry. I know how you feel about me, or felt about me, so I know this isn’t what you want to hear,” he divulged. “Hurting you is the last thing I ever want to do.”

  I felt like I should be crying, but the tears wouldn’t come. A fresh feeling of numbness rooted itself within me.

  “All you seem to do is hurt me, Kale,” I said solemnly.

  “I don’t mean to,” he whispered.

  I lowered my gaze to the floor. “I need to leave.”

  “Lane, please—”

  “Kale,” – I cut him off, my voice dropping an octave – “I need to leave. I don’t want to be around you right now, so please, just let me go.”

  “I can’t let you go,” he replied, his voice strained.

  I didn’t know how to take that, but in that moment, I didn’t care about Kale – or what he had to say.

  “Congratulate Drew for me, will you?”

  Kale’s breathing picked up. “Lane, please, let me explain—”

  “There is nothing to explain,” I said honestly. “You and Drew are dating, you have on and off for years, so it’s not a surprise that you would eventually get together for good and start a family.”

  It shouldn’t have been a surprise, but it bloody well was.

  “It wasn’t planned,” Kale blurted out.

  That didn’t matter. Drew was carrying Kale’s baby whether it was what they wanted or not, and that was absolute fact. Another fact was that I needed to get away. I needed to get far, far away.

  “I’m going to walk to my uncle’s house,” I said, turning away from him. “I need to walk.”

  “Lane!” Kale called out, the pain in his voice audible as I walked away from him.

  Thankfully he didn’t follow me, but I felt eyes on me as I walked from the hospital to my uncle’s house, and I knew Kale and Lochlan were following in the car to make sure I got to my uncle’s house safely. It didn’t surprise me.

  Lavender is dead, a cruel voice in my head reminded me.

  My best friend, and the only person who knew every single one of my secrets, was gone. My confidante and partner in crime was no more. She was the one person in the entire world I could talk to about anything. I could act any kind of way around her, and she’d never judge me; she’d just laugh and join in with whatever craziness I was doing.

  I never knew how much I loved her until I saw her lifeless body on that steel bed. I didn’t even know if she knew how much I loved and appreciated her, and that without her I would have gone off the rails even more than I had already.

  I took my phone out of my pocket, and I didn’t know why, but I dialled her number and placed it to my ear. It didn‘t ring out; instead it went straight to her voicemail.

  “This is Lavender, and there is a great chance that I saw your call but let it go to voicemail because I hate talking over the phone. What you should do now is text me. None of that leave your name and number bullshit – just shoot me a text and I’ll hit you up. Latersss!”

  I laughed as a beep sounded, indicating my message was recording.

  “I swear your voicemail is still the stupidest thing I have ever heard, but I love it, and I love you, Lav.” I swallowed. “Do you know where I just was? In the morgue, looking at you on a bed in a cold room. I’m really hoping you’re going to text me and tell me that you just pulled off the most epic and evilest prank of all time. I really hope you do that because I don’t want you to be gone. You can’t be gone, do you hear me? We have too much to do. We have to finish college and go to Ibiza, do you remember? We said we were going to go there and have fun after we were done with school. So you can’t be gone, we made plans and you can’t break plans like those. You just can’t . . . Please text me, Lav. I won’t even be angry at such a horrible prank. I swear on my life I won’t shout at you. I promise.”

  I neared my uncle’s house and frowned as I squeezed my phone.

  “Text me later, I love you.”

  I hung up just as I arrived at my uncle’s house, and used a key he gave me years ago to let myself in. I stood in the hallway of his house, and even though something horrible had just happened, I felt safe.

  “Uncle Harry?” I called out.

  “In the kitchen, darling,” came his reply.

  I walked into the kitchen and found him at the kitchen table, a cup of fresh tea in front of him, and one on a coaster for me. “Your brother called ahead,” my uncle said, answering my unspoken questio
n.

  I nodded and sat at the kitchen table, and took a sip of my tea.

  “I’m so sorry about Lavender, Lane.”

  I didn’t reply to him for a long time, but when I did, I felt like dying myself. “I’ve never had someone close to me die,” I whispered to my uncle. “I know Aunt Teresa died, and I’m sad she is gone, but I was only twelve when that happened. I didn’t understand then, but I understand now. Lavender is really gone, Uncle Harry, and she isn’t coming back.”

  I broke down when my uncle’s arms came around me. I cried the tears that hadn’t come in the hospital when I saw Lavender or her family, or when Kale told me Drew was pregnant with his baby.

  “Kale,” I sniffled. “He is going to be a dad. He and Drew are having a baby.”

  I heard my uncle mumble, “Fuck.”

  It mirrored exactly what I was thinking.

  “What are you thinking?” my uncle asked me.

  “I want to leave here,” I whispered.

  My uncle frowned down at me. “Darling, I don’t think leaving is the best thing for you—”

  “My best friend just died, and Kale and Drew are having a baby,” I said, cutting him off. “I can’t be here to watch him have a family with someone else. I don’t have Lavender to help me get though that. I need to get away from here, from him. I think it will help me finally get over him.”

  “Lane—”

  “I can’t be here anymore, Uncle Harry,” I cried. “I can’t do it anymore.”

  I felt my uncle’s gaze on me. “Do you really want to move away?” he asked.

  I nodded. “It hurts too much being here; it’s killing me.”

  “Then do what you feel is right for you, sweetheart,” he said after a lengthy silence.

  I wasn’t surprised by his support; I knew he’d give it to me.

  I sniffled. “I’m scared.”

  “It’s something new and unknown; of course it’s scary, but that doesn’t mean it’ll be impossible. People move all the time. You aren’t the first and you won’t be the last.”

  I wiped my face with the back of my hands.

  “Everyone will think I’m crazy.”

  My uncle sighed. “They’ll be hurt and will probably say things they don’t mean out of worry for you, but they won’t hate you. You’re precious to all of us, Lane.”

  I hoped he was right.

  “I don’t know where to start or how to start the process of moving.”

  My uncle asked, “Where are you thinking of going?”

  Far, far away.

  “I’ve been to New York with Mum and Nanny. I thought it was great there.”

  My uncle just stared at me. “America, Lane? Really?”

  “I need distance,” I whispered. “I need it.”

  He nodded his head and hugged me once more.

  We got down to it then. With the help of my uncle, I found somewhere in New York to rent that, from the pictures, looked to be a complete dive for a price I could afford. I could finish my online classes from anywhere in the world, so that was in my corner.

  I tried to refuse money from my uncle, but he gave me enough for my first six months’ rent, and he also bought me a one-way ticket to New York. He made me promise to start accepting editorial work because even though I wasn’t qualified to call myself an editor yet, he said I was good enough to edit anything that was given to me. He said he’d always known I’d work somewhere in the literary field because of my love for books and that I’d be damn good at my job. He even promised to set up a website for me because he said freelance editors needed to have something professional to engage clients. Once I agreed, he applied for an ESTA visa for me; it meant I could stay in the States for ninety days before I had to leave. As soon as I got over there, though, I would apply right away for a work visa to extend my stay.

  In the space of three hours after I cemented my decision to move away, we arranged everything, and it was set that I would fly out after Lavender’s funeral. I overheard in the hospital waiting room that her funeral was in four days’ time, so it left me virtually no time to break the news to my family that I was leaving. I knew the conversation would be bad, but my mind was made up. I had to leave. Staying in York just wasn’t something I could do.

  I was about to tell my family that I was moving away, and even though I had my uncle in my corner, I was still scared shitless. I leaned against the kitchen counter while my family sat around the table. My uncle was leaning against the wall opposite me, with his arms folded across his chest. They all waited for me to speak.

  “Lavender’s gone and she is never going to come back to me.” I sat, looking down at the floor. “And I haven’t even begun to fully comprehend that yet. She only died three days ago, and nothing feels real to me. I’m expecting her to text me or walk into my room.”

  “Darlin’,” my nanny murmured.

  I bit down on my lower lip. “I want you all to listen to me clearly when I say what I have to say. It’s important, okay?”

  I looked up and found each person nodding.

  “I love Kale,” I breathed.

  My brothers shared a look, and so did my parents before their gaze refocused on me.

  “You love Kale?” My father blinked.

  “I always have,” I said, nodding.

  My mother played with her fingers. “Are you in love with him?” she asked.

  “Yes,” I replied.

  My father set his jaw. “And him? Does he love you?”

  I shook my head. “Not in that way. He doesn’t even know that I love him. I’ve never told him.”

  “Why not?” Layton asked.

  Where to begin? my mind grumbled.

  “Because everyone has gone on and on about how much of a brother and sister we are to one another, when I’ve never thought of him like that. Not since I was little.”

  My mother paled. “I didn’t . . . I didn’t know it was love,” she blurted out. “I thought it was a crush.”

  I frowned at her. “It’s not your fault, Mum. I’ve kept how I felt about Kale to myself. Only Lavender and Uncle Harry knew how I felt about him, but they were both sworn to secrecy by me.”

  My father cut his eyes to my uncle and glared at him, hard. It surprised me because I had never even seen my dad and uncle argue.

  “Stop, Dad,” I chastised. “I made him swear not to tell.”

  My father cut his eyes to mine. “Something is going on here, something bigger than Lavender and Kale. What is it? Tell me. Now.”

  Bloody hell, I thought. Does anything get by him?

  I rubbed my face with my hands. “I can’t be here anymore,” I said, swallowing nervously. “Lavender is gone, and Kale . . . he and Drew are having a baby.”

  “What?” my brothers gasped in unison.

  “Drew is pregnant?” Lochlan asked.

  I nodded.

  “Oh, honey,” my nanny frowned.

  “I can’t stay here and watch them have a family. I can’t stay here without Lavender. I need to get away.”

  My father set his jaw. “Like on a holiday?”

  I shook my head. “No, Dad, not like a holiday.”

  Things were silent for a moment until Layton said, “You want to move away?”

  I nodded.

  “To where?” he asked.

  It’s now or never, I told myself.

  “To New York.”

  Silence.

  “Can you repeat that?” my father said, his voice dangerously low.

  I swallowed. “I’m moving to New York.”

  My father’s face turned a shade of red I had never seen before. He flicked his eyes to where my uncle stood, and he glared. “What the fuck is this?” he asked.

  My uncle’s shoulders sagged. “She can’t be here anymore, Tom. She needs to get away and clear her head.”

  “So go down to the country for a spa weekend or something,” my father bellowed when he looked back to me. “You are not moving to America. No fucking way.”
/>
  I pinched the bridge of my nose. “I’m twenty, Dad. I don’t need your permission.”

  “Don’t throw that in his face,” Layton snapped at me. “You aren’t thinking clearly; you can’t—”

  I cut my brother off: “I can’t ever think clearly here, Layton. I need to leave and figure myself out.”

  “Have you forgotten what happened to you last year?” he raged. “You could have died, and now you want to up and leave the country on your own? That’s fucking selfish of you. You can’t do that to us.”

  I pushed my hair out of my face. “I’m not trying to hurt anyone, Layton, but this is my decision.”

  “It’s a shitty fucking one!” he bellowed, surprising all of us.

  Layton was not one to fight; he was usually the peacekeeper, but not today. Today he was furious, and I was his target.

  “I’m sorry you feel that way,” I said calmly.

  Lochlan growled. “You aren’t moving to America.”

  I set my jaw. “Yes, I am. It’s all arranged.”

  “What?” my mother whispered.

  I looked at her and hated that I saw tears in her eyes. “I’m leaving tomorrow afternoon after Lavender’s funeral.”

  “What?” everyone screamed.

  I jumped and tried to think of something to calm everyone, but there was nothing I could say that would change the situation.

  “Lane,” Nanny shouted, getting my attention. “You cannot up and leave the country. You’re distraught over losin’ Lavender and about Kale startin’ a family, but this isn’t the right move, sweetheart.”

  “Staying here isn’t an option,” I replied. “I need distance. I need space. I need time.”

  “Are you hearing this bullshit?” Lochlan snapped at our uncle. “How can you stand there and be so calm when she is talking about leaving the country on her fucking own when she is in this state of mind?”

  My uncle locked eyes with Lochlan. “Talking her out of it was the first thing I intended to do when she mentioned it, but I saw in her eyes that she was leaving here whether we wanted her to or not. It’s be on board and help her or—”

  “Or nothing!” Lochlan snapped. “If she leaves, I’m fucking done. I refuse to worry myself sick over her. I’ve done it all my life.”

  “Are you kidding me?” I said to my brother. “I never once asked you to bother yourself with worrying about me. I never asked for anyone to do that, but you all did it, and I know it’s because you love me, but you can’t protect me from everything. I have to do this.”