Susie's Mammi (Amy's Story Book 2)

by Brenda Maxfield

  “I-I don’t think so.”

  “But she was still alive. After she fell, I mean. She had to have been still alive to … to … give birth.”

  “She was unconscious.”

  Mavis sucked in a loud breath. “Did you see her?”

  Amy shook her head. “Nee. By the time I got to the hospital, I think she was already gone.”

  “So, only Andrew saw her.”

  “I think so.”

  “Why? Why, Amy? Why was Grace climbing a ladder in her condition? Why would she do such a foolish thing?” Mavis asked, her voice now urgent. “It makes no sense. I can’t process it.”

  “I-I don’t know,” Amy choked out. “I’ve wondered about that over and over. I don’t know. I don’t think anyone knows.” Which, of course, meant that Andrew didn’t know, either.

  “And the … the funeral?”

  Amy put Susie to her shoulder to burp. “The house was packed. It was so crowded that people could only stand.”

  Again, Mavis sucked in a breath. In the thin light of the candle, Amy remembered. She remembered every minute of the funeral. Every minute of the burial. And her heart squeezed within her. Would she ever get over it? Would any of them ever get over it?

  “I … couldn’t come,” Mavis eked out.

  Amy swallowed. “Everyone understood that.”

  “I … I wanted to be here. Bart almost came alone, but I … needed him there. In Pennsylvania.”

  “Of course, you did,” Amy said, suddenly feeling ages older than Mavis. As if Mavis were the young woman, and Amy the woman getting on in years.

  “I wanted to come.” The last word was buried in a sob.

  “I’m sorry about your dat,” Amy whispered. “Truly sorry.”

  “He was old. It was his time. But Grace…” Mavis stopped, and there was a choking sound. “Grace was young. She had her whole life ahead of her.”

  “Jah.”

  “It ain’t right, you know. Just ain’t right.”

  “Nee.”

  “Susie won’t never know her own mother. Did Grace… Did Grace see Susie before she passed?”

  Amy was nearly positive that she didn’t. As far as Amy knew, Grace never regained consciousness. But Amy couldn’t bring herself to say it. Couldn’t bring herself to add to the woman’s grief.

  “I’m not sure. I would like to think she did. A glimpse at least.”

  “Do you think so?” Mavis asked, her voice a near plea.

  “Jah. I think so.” Grace felt the sting of her lie, but she didn’t take it back.

  “Then maybe, maybe Susie saw her mamm for a moment. Just a brief moment. A precious second or two.”

  “Jah,” Amy said gently. “A precious second or two.”

  “Can I…” Mavis pulled herself to her feet with a heavy sigh. “Can I take her now?”

  Susie had fallen asleep on Amy’s shoulder. Amy stood and moved to Mavis, handing the child to her. “Of course. She likes to cuddle a bit before going back down in her cradle.”

  Mavis reverently took the baby and clasped her to her chest. “All right. I’ll rock her a bit and then put her down.”

  Amy nodded, trying to breathe past the lump in her throat. Then she tiptoed out of the room and left the two of them alone.

  Chapter Twelve

  Amy awoke with great hopes. After the intimate conversation she’d had with Mavis during the night, she thought that perhaps they’d made progress—or at the very least, Mavis would feel less threatened by her. She got out of bed and dressed quickly, listened at Susie’s door, and then hurried downstairs to fix breakfast. The side door in the wash room was open with just the screen door closed, so she knew Andrew had already gone out. She wondered if Bart was out there, too; although, he’d been very tired the night before. Maybe he was sleeping in.

  She chuckled softly to herself. When had she ever known an Amish man to sleep in when there were animals to be seen to? Never.

  She decided to make pancakes that morning since Mavis was still upstairs with Susie. She had noticed that Grace had purchased two fairly large bottles of real maple syrup before her death, and they were begging to be used. Amy loved real maple syrup. On occasion, her mother used flavored sugar water or whatever it was that was sold for syrup these days. Amy didn’t like it—it tasted too sweet or fake or something. She took one of the bottles off the shelf and carried it to the dining room, setting it right in front of Andrew’s spot.

  Then she went back and started mixing up the pancake batter. She took out the heavy iron skillet and set it on the cook stove. If she got started cooking the pancakes right away, she could keep them warm in the oven. Otherwise, she’d miss breakfast entirely, having to stand over the skillet as she flipped and served.

  She waited until the skillet was hot, dropped in a dollop of lard, and then poured four pancakes onto it. They sizzled and steamed and immediately the delicious aroma filled the kitchen. She heard a cry from upstairs, so Susie was awake. She took out a bottle from the fridge and set it in the pan of water she already had warming. It would be ready by the time Mavis came down with the baby.

  She flipped the pancakes and waited eagerly for Mavis and Susie to show up. It was all she could do to keep from dashing up the stairs and into the nursery.

  “Get used to it,” she murmured softly. “You’re likely going home today.”

  The thought sent a pang of sadness through her. How was she going to make it through the day without seeing Susie? Without cuddling her at least once? Tears stung her eyes, and she blinked them away. She couldn’t have Mavis walking in on her in tears. But where was Mavis? She should be down there by now. Susie was still crying, so what was the problem?

  She moved the skillet off the hot burner and went to the stairs, ready to go on up. She stopped herself just in time.

  Let Mavis do it, let Mavis do it, let Mavis do it.

  When she finally heard Susie’s cries growing nearer, she darted back into the kitchen, sure that they were coming downstairs at last. She set the skillet back on the burner and purposefully looked completely occupied with her task.

  “Morning,” Mavis said, bringing the screaming child into the kitchen.

  Amy turned to her. “Morning. Her bottle’s warm.”

  Mavis snatched up the bottle and left the room. Why didn’t she just feed Susie in the kitchen? Amy peered through the doorway. Mavis had gone into the front room to feed her. She sighed. Clearly, Mavis didn’t want any interference from Amy. She was making a point of it, too.

  So, Amy’s high hopes were for naught. Nothing had changed since last night. Susie cried a bit longer and then went quiet. So, she was letting Mavis feed her. That was good, of course. So then how could Amy explain the disappointment that flashed through her? Was she hoping that Susie would never adjust to Mavis? Never let Mavis care for her?

  Amy sucked in a breath. That was exactly what she was hoping. Shame filled her. How could she wish such discomfort on the baby she loved?

  “You are horrible,” she whispered to herself.

  The side screen door slammed shut. She tensed. Andrew popped into the kitchen.

  “Something smells awful gut in here,” he said.

  Amy put on a smile. “Pancakes.”

  “Nice. Where’s Susie?”

  “Mavis is feeding her in the front room.”

  Andrew nodded and headed toward the front room. Amy heard him talking to Mavis, but she couldn’t make out what they were saying, and she purposely didn’t try. Perhaps it was better for her to go home today. She obviously wasn’t doing a very good job of controlling her emotions or her thoughts.

  Bart came in a few minutes later and Amy heard him washing up. He came through the kitchen, too, snatching a piece of bacon that Amy had already fried up.

  He laughed. “Mavis would slap my hand for this,” he said with amusement. “Glad to see you’ll let me get away with it.”

  Amy smiled at him. “I’ll have everything on the table in a couple minu
tes.”

  Right then, Amy missed Beulah. Her sister’s sassy comments often irritated Amy, but sometimes, they brought just the right amount of levity to the situation. And right then, Amy needed some levity.

  She carried the food to the table and went to the front room to call everyone in. Susie was done feeding and was lying on Mavis’s lap. Amy bit her lip as she looked at the precious baby.

  “I’m famished,” Bart said, still chewing on his piece of bacon.

  Amy led them all back to the table. She waited for everyone to be seated and then she sat, careful to avoid the spot next to Andrew where she had been sitting all these weeks. Andrew flashed her a puzzled look when she sank onto a spot in the middle of the bench.

  Mavis was watching them both, even as she balanced Susie on her shoulder. Susie wiggled in her grasp, and Amy had the fleeting idea that she was looking for her. Mavis turned her around, bracing her against her stomach. Susie’s eyes latched onto Amy. Amy smiled at her, her heart full of love. And then Susie’s face screwed up and she started to cry.

  “Why’s she crying?” Bart asked. “Didn’t you just feed her?”

  Mavis blinked. “Jah, I did. She’s likely tired.”

  “Or she misses Amy,” Andrew said bluntly. His words were followed by stunned silence from everyone but Susie, who kept fussing.

  “You’re probably right,” Bart said, seemingly ignorant of all tension in the room. “Why not let Amy hold her for a while.”

  It looked as if Mavis might bite his head off, but she simply pressed her lips together so tightly, they nearly disappeared. Then she got up and went around the table, handing Susie to Amy. Susie immediately settled in, making soft sucking noises.

  “Jah. That seems to be it,” Bart went on.

  Amy wanted to warn him to keep quiet, but she could hardly do that. Andrew’s gaze was on her, and she couldn’t miss the tenderness in his eyes.

  It’s for Susie, she told herself. For Susie.

  But her heart quickened, nevertheless, making her feel so uncomfortable she got up and went into the kitchen, saying she wanted to make sure she’d turned off the burner.

  When she came back out to the dining room, Mavis was in the middle of saying something, but upon Amy’s return, she clamped her mouth shut.

  Andrew looked up at her. “We were talking about you going home,” he said. Amy tried to discern what he was thinking about it, but his voice was neutral. “I know I kind of made you stay another night, and I reckon that was a bit selfish of me. We’ve taken all your time for weeks, and I imagine you’re eager to get back home to your own life.”

  Nee, I’m not… I’m not. Amy nodded. “I think Dat and Mamm expect me home today.”

  “Then, it’s settled,” Mavis said. “Amy, give me the baby so you can eat.”

  Amy swallowed and walked around the table to Mavis, who was getting up. Mavis took Susie and left for the front room.

  Bart watched his wife, shook his head, and then looked at Amy. “I’m sorry, Amy. I know Mavis seems harsh. She’s hurting…” He paused and cleared his throat. “We all are, I guess.”

  Amy’s throat tightened. She nodded. “Jah.”

  Andrew blinked back tears. “It’s just taking time,” he said, his voice cracking. “But Grace would be happy we’re all here watching over Susie.” He looked at Amy. “She’d be so grateful to you.”

  Amy shook her head. “Nee. I’m the one who’s grateful. I love—I’m right fond of Susie. It’s been wonderful gut to take care of her.” And then she rushed from the room, unable to say another word. She was ready to burst into tears, and that just wouldn’t do, not in front of both Bart and Andrew. It wouldn’t do at all.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Amy sat so stiffly in the pony cart that her muscles ached. She stared at the screen door, waiting for Andrew to come out. She kept thinking she could hear Susie inside, crying, but when she strained her ears, she didn’t hear her at all. Would she forever hear Susie’s cries in her mind?

  And how long would it take Susie to forget all about her? The thought was like a blow to Amy’s chest.

  “I’m ready,” Andrew said, coming through the screen door. He came down the porch stairs in two steps and got into the cart, picking up the reins. “Sorry for the wait. I was just checking on Susie before I left.”

  “I didn’t mind waiting,” Amy said. But she did. The longer she sat there, the more excruciating it became. She did not want to leave Susie. Or Andrew. That last thought was immediately tucked into the recesses of her mind.

  Andrew got the cart underway. For the first few minutes, neither of them said anything. Then Amy spoke. “Thanks for taking me home.”

  His brow rose. “Ach, what else would I do? You’ve done so much for me.”

  “Still… Thanks.”

  He nodded and focused back on the road. “We’ll miss you,” he said quietly. “I know I’ve told you this before, but I don’t know what I would have done without you these last weeks.”

  “And Beulah,” Amy added. She was leaving Andrew’s life now, and the more emotional distance she put between them the better.

  “Jah, of course. And Beulah.”

  In truth, Beulah had been a help—at least when she wasn’t sneaking off with Uriah. She had done a good portion of the cooking and cleaning.

  “So, what now?” Andrew said.

  “What do you mean?”

  His face colored red, and he shook his head. “Uh, I don’t know. Just making conversation, I s’pose.”

  “I guess I’ll resume my life.” Amy suddenly felt choked up. She could never resume her life the way it had been before. Grace wouldn’t be in it. She was gone. Her best friend would never come over again. They would never visit and laugh and drink tea and eat freshly baked banana bread together again.

  Grace was gone.

  Amy quickly wiped away her tears.

  “You’re thinking of Grace, ain’t so?” Andrew asked.

  She nodded.

  “It comes at the oddest moments, doesn’t it? I think I’m doing better and then it slams into me again.” Andrew’s voice was thick now and full of tears.

  “You said it would take time,” Amy said. “I guess enough time hasn’t gone by yet.”

  “When I’m with you…” He paused as if debating whether to continue speaking or not. “When I’m with you, I feel closer to Grace.”

  Amy swallowed and let his words surround her. She could understand his sentiment, but she didn’t want to… Didn’t want to what…? Her thoughts whirled. She didn’t want to be that to him—a reminder of Grace. Only a reminder of Grace. For some reason, it made her want to squirm. What was wrong with her?

  “Don’t you think that it’s Susie who makes you feel closer to Grace?”

  He considered her question. “Maybe. But I remember Grace with you. She cared about you so much. She was always excited when she was going to see you. Or when you were coming over. You’re like her in many ways. It’s like… It’s like—”

  Amy didn’t want to hear the rest of his sentence, so she interrupted him. “We weren’t all that much alike. But I did love her. She was my best friend.”

  He blinked and didn’t respond.

  “Do you think… Do you think I could come and see Susie now and again?”

  He grimaced and hesitated before speaking. “I’m sorry… It’s just that Mavis was quite adamant about it. She thinks that if you see Susie, it will confuse her. That she won’t understand. She’ll always wonder where you went.”

  Amy’s eyes burned with tears. “Don’t you think Susie is going to wonder now? I’ve been the child’s mamm for weeks. Since her birth. She’s going to wonder, all right.”

  Amy was horrified at her outburst, but it was true. Every single word was true.

  Andrew sighed heavily. “But don’t you think it will be worse if she sees you only some of the time?”

  Amy blinked, trying to stop the tears running down her face. “I don’t know…”r />
  “Mavis thinks—”

  “I’m sure I know exactly what Mavis thinks!” Amy snapped and then clamped her hand over her mouth. “I-I’m sorry,” she said through her fingers.

  Andrew pulled up on the reins, stopping the cart. “You don’t have to be sorry,” he said, looking miserable. “I understand. If it were up to me…” His voice faded off.

  But wasn’t it…? Wasn’t it up to him? Amy pressed her lips together, not trusting herself to speak further. Why was Andrew letting Mavis dictate everything? But she knew why. He had to depend on Mavis now—she was the baby’s grandmother. Did he really have a choice? And what was the alternative? To have her and Beulah live with him forever?

  Grace, Grace, Grace.

  “Maybe with time…” Andrew started and then slowly finished, “maybe with time, you could see her again. When she’s adjusted fully to Mavis.”

  Amy nodded. She hated that idea, but it had to be. Little Susie did need to adjust to Mavis. Little Susie did need to forget about her.

  “Take me home,” she eked out, trying desperately to sound normal. She failed miserably, her voice catching and jerking over the words.

  Andrew snapped the reins and did just that.

  Chapter Fourteen

  “Amy,” Fiona cried. “You’re back.”

  “I’m back,” she said flatly. “I need to unpack.”

  “Of course. Come down when you’re finished. I could use a bit of help with the noon meal.”

  Amy nodded and hurried upstairs as fast as she could without looking too obvious. She wanted to throw herself on her bed and cry for at least a week. She tossed her bag on the floor and flopped onto her bed. Now that she was there, the tears wouldn’t come.

  Beulah walked in. “You’re here.”

  Amy twisted around and looked at her. “It seems so.”

  “You didn’t want to leave, did you?”

  Amy took a deep breath. “It was time.”

  Beulah plopped on the bed. “According to who? Mavis?”

  Amy nodded. “But she’s right, Beulah. The longer I stay, the harder it will be on Susie.”