Red Saunders' Pets and Other Critters

by Henry Wallace Phillips

  The Demon in the Canon

  "_I know not where the truth may be; I tell the tale as 'twas told to me._" (Probable misquotation of old couplet.)

  There was once an earnest missionary who went to the trouble oflearning the Sioux language, in order to be of more use in his chosenfield. He spoke it with a strong Boston accent. One day he labouredwith a big Uncapapa brave long and eagerly. The Injun listened to allhe had to say. When at great length silence fell, the Redman spoke.

  "Have you any tobacco?" said he.

  "Why, no!" returned the missionary.

  "Hungh! So long!" said the Injun, and rode away on a trot.

  Now, there may be those who will object that the plain, unvarnishedtale of my friend "Hy" Smith, which follows, is lacking in the robustqualities that truth alone can bring; to them I recommend the attitudeof the Injun. But I must add this: Heaven forbid that I should have tostand good for any of Hy's stories! Still, some of what I consideredhis most outrageous lies afterward received strong and unexpectedconfirmation. For instance, the manner in which he earned hissobriquet of "Hydraulic" Smith I thought was pure fable, but no less aman than his former employer said that it was fact in every essential.Smith got his front name while working in a big hydraulic camp inIdaho. He was nozzleman. One day in an unusually merry mood he turnedthe monitor loose on a crowd of Chinamen who were working over tailings.

  "Hy" Smith]

  "And if ever you saw felt shoes and pigtails flying in the air 'twasthen," said Hy. "It looked for all the world like Old Faithful hadspouted in a poll-parrot cage. I don't know why I done it, no morethan the man in the moon--it was one of them idees that takes hold ofyou, and gets put through before you can more'n realise you're thinkingof it--but it was the greatest success of its kind I ever see. We hada two-hundred-foot head of water and a six-inch stream, and I might saythat there was a yaller haze of Chinamen in the atmosphere for the nextten seconds. I piped one Charley-boy right over the top of atool-shed. Well, our boss was a mighty kind-hearted man, and when thatcrowd of spitting, foaming, gargling, gobbling Chinamen went to him,and begun to pour out their troubles like several packs offire-crackers going off to oncet, waving all the arms and legs I hadn'tknocked out of commission, he was het up considerable. He never waitedto hear my side of the story, but just rolled up his pants and wadedinto me up to the hocks; he read me my pedigree from Adam's wife'ssister down to now, and there wasn't a respectable person in it,according to him.

  "I didn't like it, and I made a swipe for him with a shovel, but he wastoo soople for me, and of all the lickings I ever got, that is the oneI don't want to remember the most: he did a sort of double-shufflefandango on my back, while he brought my legs into the argument with asluice rake.

  "When he asked me if I had had enough, I told him I thought it would dofor the present, because, as a matter of fact, if all I had more thanenough was money in the bank, I wouldn't have done no more work for therest of my days.

  "So then he calls me up and gives me my time, and I must say he treatedme square when he said good-bye.

  "'You're the best darn man on a monitor lever that I ever did see,'says he, 'but anywheres else you're the foolest combine of small boyand dare-devil, and some other queer thing that I don't seem to be ableto find a name for, that ever cumbered this earth. Now, get the ----out of this, and good luck to you.'

  "I didn't feel a bit sorry for them Chinamen--they're only hairlessmonkeys that don't even know enough to wear their tails in the rightplace. Their arithmetic proves that. It's regular monkey figgering.They haven't any numbers that look like numbers at all. Suppose youwant to multipy twenty-five by thirty-six, Chinee system? First youput down a rooster's foot-track; that's twenty-five. Underneath thatgoes the ground-plan of a small house; that's thirty-six. Then youtake an hour off, and work out the sum with a lot of little balls onwires; then you put down the answer, and what do you think it is? Why,it's a map of Chicago after the fire! Shucks! And they callthemselves men. I'd go old Job three boils to his one rather than haveany Chinks around me.

  "Well, the boys labelled me Hydraulic Smith from that on, and I wentprospecting. Took up with a feller named Agamemnon G. Jones. Aggy wasa big, fine-looking man, with a chest like a dry-goods box, and a setof whiskers that would start him in business anywhere. They were theupstandingest, noblest, straightforwardest outfit of whiskers I mostever saw, and how they come to grow on Ag is a mystery; but they stoodhim in many a dollar, now, I tell you that!

  "He was a man of pretty considerable education, in some ways, and hecould make you believe that to-day was last Thursday a week ago, if youweren't on to him. At this time he was kind of under a cloud likemyself, and the way it come about was this:

  "He started an assay office when he first struck the gulch, and he usedto bring in results according to the looks of the customer. If the manlooked tender around the feet, Aggy'd knock it to him, and probably theshave-tail would be so pleased that he would fork out an extra ten; butif he was plainly vented as one of the boys, there would be just enoughpay in the return to encourage him. Now, Jones did everythingshipshape and in style. Here's the paper that made him trouble."

  Hy fished a slip out of the bundle in his old pocket-book and handed itto me.

  AGAMEMNON G. JONES, _Assayer_, Qualitative and Quantitative Analysis.

  _Sample left by Mr. Idaho Kid_ _No. 36,943_.

  Value per ton. Gold ...................................... $362.13 Silver .................................... 186.90 Platinum .................................. 14.77 Lead ...................................... 2.06 Iridium ................................... .02 Osmium .................................... .00003+ Copper .................................... 18.54

  10:36 A.M. 3/16/81

  Signed, AGAMEMNON G. JONES, _Assayer_.

  "Now, that was the worst that Aggy had ever sprung on anybody, becausethis Idaho Kid looked as if he hadn't been three weeks away from hismother; instead of which he was a hootin', tootin' son-of-a-gun inreality, and you might say he'd cut his teeth on a miner's candlestick.

  "When the Kid saw that miraculous result, his eyes bunged out; then hetook a long breath and wrecked the place. Aggy left at one thatmorning for fear that worse might follow. He fetched this paper withhim to remind him that 'genius has its limitations,' he said. But hedidn't seem to learn anything by it. Next he took up engineering. Hehit a blame good job on Castle Creek. The people wanted to turn thecreek through a tunnel, so that they could work the bed, and at thispoint it was rather an easy business. The stream made a 'U' aboutthree-quarters of a mile long, the bottom prong being at least ahundred and fifty feet below the water-level on the top one--a smashinggood fall--so Aggy started in on the down side to bore the hole up.Well, everything went lovely. He'd come around with his plans andspecifications twice a day, and draw his hundred once a week regularfor his great labours. At last, however, the shift-boss said they mustbe getting pretty near water; he could hear it roar through the face ofthe tunnel, he said. But Aggy told him not to be alarmed; he had itall worked out, and they weren't within forty foot of breaking through."

  He'd come around with his plans and specifications twicea day]

  "So at it they went again, as cheerful as could be, and the next newsthey got, down comes the face, and they were being piped through fourhundred foot of black-dark tunnel, trying to guess what was up, bumpingand banging against the walls, and the whole of Castle Creek on top ofthem. My, Chinamen weren't a circumstance. Aggy said they boiled outof the lower end of the tunnel where he was standing so fast hecouldn't recognise them, and, as a matter of fact, three or four of 'emwere washed a mile down creek before they could make land. Aggygathered that it was time to move again, so he pulled back for Idaho.There wasn't anybody really drowned, except old Tom Olley, acousin-Jack whose only amusement in life was to wear out his pantslaying low for
cinches in the stud-poker game, and you couldn't rightlysay he was any loss to the community. So Aggy used to regret sometimesthat he hadn't stayed to face the music. They might have played horsewith him for a while, but 'twould soon have blown over--miners notbeing revengeful by nature--and he was to have had an eighth interest,besides his salary, if the thing was a success.

  "But there was no good of crying over spilt milk, and us two wentprospecting.

  "We located for a permanent stand down on Frenchman's Creek, near wherethree of Cap' Ally's greaser sheep herders had their camp. They didour hunting for us, and as there was nobody but them around, and theywere the peacefullest people in the world, we didn't feel the need ofany gun except Ag's old six-shooter. That was the cussedest machinethat ever got invented by man. When you pulled her off she'd spit firein all directions, filling the crotch of your hand with powder burns,and sometimes two or three of the loads would go off at once, whenshe'd kick like a Texas steer. There was much talk of bear around, andwe were always going to buy a real gun, some day, but we never got atit.

  "Well, we prospered pretty well, considering how little we worked. Alarge part of the time was taken up with playing monte with theherders, and still more in arguing questions about religion and thingslike that; but we had a decent cabin built--with the kind assistance ofthe herders--and as we struck a rich little streak that run out tendollars per man a day with no trouble at all, we were in clover.

  "At last our stock of grub ran low, and Jones slid up to Salmon City toload up again. It was quite a trip, and as I didn't think it wassquare to work while Aggy was away, I took up with the herders. Theywere the decentest folks I ever struck. Play a little music on theguitar, sing songs that always wound up just where a white man's songswould begin, and tell stories and smoke cigarettes--that was the layoutfor them. Old Cap' Allys was a Christian, and he wouldn't let a manherd sheep all by himself--surest way to get crazy that ever wasinvented--so he sent the boys out three in a bunch.

  "Those fellers had the darndest lot of fairy tales I ever did hear.And superstitious! Great Jupiter! Any little blame thing thathappened meant something: this thing was good luck; that meant bad, andif you tried to josh them out of it, they'd shake their heads and lookat you as if they thought you weren't truly religious. One of theiryarns was about El Diablo de Fuego, 'The Devil of Fire,' which Miguelsaid ran in his family. Seems that when anything wrong was about tohappen, this blazing, ripping monster showed up as a warning. I toldMee that I thought the monster was misfortune enough, without anythingelse, but he was scandalised.

  "'Psst!' says he. 'Do not spik sooch t'eeng as dthat! Ay, di mi!Je-Maria-mi Cristo! Jesu, muy dolce y poquito! Dhat mek heemarrrrrrive dthat eenstant, eef djoo spik weez dees-rrreespeck!'

  "'All right, Mee,' says I. 'We'll let her go at that--todo el mismopor mi, sabe? But how's the bear crop?'

  "'Ay, cara! Is plenty goddam ba-are!' says Pepe. 'Keel three--fourship las' nigh'! That mek that two mus' seet oop for watch, an' alllship mus' be in close-corrrrallll! I speet on the soul of that ba-are!'

  "Gad! that wasn't cheerful news a little bit. If there's anything inthis world I more than don't like, it's a bear--he's so darn big andstrong and unreasonable, and unless you catch him sitting, you can pumplead into him until you're black in the face, and it's all one to him.Well, I thought I might as well camp with the herders until Aggy cameback.

  "When he did show up he was rather under the influence of strong drink,and from the looks of the waggon he'd brought with him, I should sayhe'd bought about everything that was movable in Salmon City. I ain'teasily astonished, but I must admit that some of the truck got the bestof me. I kept asking, 'What in ---- is this, Ag?' and he alwaysanswered, 'Ask the driver.' Well, now, if there was any choice betweenthe two, the driver was drunker than Aggy, so you can imagine what alot of satisfaction I got. There was one thing that I simply couldn'tmake head nor tail of, and I stayed with him until I got an answer onthat.

  "'Why, it's an alcohol cooking-stove,' said he, 'great medicine--notrouble to cook now at all. Just light her,' says he, waving his hand,'and whoop! away she goes! Where's that can of alcohol? Here she is!Have a drink, Hy?'

  "I took a small swig of it in a little water to please him, but thereweren't stimmilants enough in the country to raise my spirits thatnight. I put all the plunder that I could lift up in the cock-loft,and the rest I left sitting around.

  "I don't exactly know where you fellers are going to sleep,' says I,trying to be sourcastic. 'Pity you didn't order a folding-bed, Ag.'

  "'I did,' says he.

  "'A folding-bed?' I repeats, not believing my ears.

  "'And a piano,' says he. 'What is home without a piano? Answer: It'sa place that can't hold the forte--dam good joke--keno--go up to thehead, Jones.'

  "'Well,' says I, after some other things, 'who's going to pay for allthis?'

  "'God knows!' says he, waving his hand again. 'Good-night!' and withthat he fell down between a new bureau and a patent portableblacksmith's forge, and putting his head on a concertina, went soundasleep.

  "I couldn't follow suit for some time; it's one thing to come home fullof budge and animal spirits yourself, and it's quite different to haveyour pardner work it on you. At last, however, I concluded it would beall the same the next century, and turned in, but I was so rattled thatI forgot the bears, and didn't lock up with the usual care.

  "It must have been about two in the morning when I woke all in atremble. I had the feeling that things were away off, but I couldn'tplace what was the matter, until I looked at the square of moonlight onthe floor that came through the window, and I was near to screech likea tomcat, for there was a monstrous black shadow bobbing back and forthin the patch of light. I drew on my bank for all the sand I had andraised my eyes. My heart fairly knocked my ribs loose. Nicely framedin the window was the head of a grizzly, and I'll take my oath itwasn't over a size smaller than a beer-barrel!

  "'Now,' thinks I, 'if I can only get that gun before he sees me, and ifthe cussed thing will only do the right thing by me this once!'

  "So out I steps, and the first rattle out of the box I stumbled on afew dozen of the purchases Ag had brought home, and down them and mecame like an earthquake. It scart the bear so he drew back; no usetrying to work a sneak now. I jumped for the holster, unlimbered, andturned the gun loose for general results. I guess every load went off,from the noise, and she flew out of my hand and vanished behind me.The place was full of smoke and the plunder that was scattered around;you could neither see nor walk, and that bear was swatting the door ina fashion that showed he was going to give us a call any old how, and Iwas plumb distracted--for the life of me I didn't know what to do.

  "'Don't make such a damn noise!' growls Aggy.

  "'You'd better get out of that!' I yells. 'You'll get noise enough ina minute!' But he didn't pay the least attention.

  "Just before the door went down I broke for the cock-loft; it was theonly spot that seemed to hold the teeniest bit of safety. I clim upthe wall like a hopper-grass, but I had no more than made it when myfriend was in the house. 'Twas me he wanted to see, too, apparently;for he never noted anything else, but headed straight for the loft. Ihad kind of hoped the other two would amuse him for a while, but itwasn't to be. With the door down, the moonlight streamed in so it was'most as light as day.

  "'Keep your big feet off me!' says Ag, very indignant, as the bearwalked on him. It's a great thing not to know who you're talking tosometimes.

  "Well, brother bear upends himself, and reaches for the loft. He couldjust nicely hook his front toe-nails on the board, and when I saw that,I would have sold myself out hide and hair and good-will of thebusiness extremely reasonable. 'Here's where my esteemed friendHydraulic Smith gets piped out,' I thought, and I tried to meet myfinish like a man, but there was something about winding up as fillerfor a dirty, smelly bear wrapper that took all the poetry out of thesituation.

  "I saw
that Aggy had got on to the state of affairs at last; he wascrawling backward very cautious, and he had a look of pained surpriseon his face that beat anything I'd ever seen on the phiz of man orbeast before. For all I was so scart that I was sweating icicles, Icouldn't help but snicker. Howsomever, at that moment brother bearthrew his weight on the board, and she snapped like a toothpick, and mymerry smile took a walk. I was in a desperate fix! He had only tokeep on pulling down boards to the last one, and then, of course, I'dcome down with it. Something had to be done. I grabbed a sack offlour and heaved it at him; the sack caught on a splinter and ripped,so beyond covering him with powder it had no particular result. He_did_ stop and taste the flour; he had lots of time! There wasn't anygood in that. But as I reached around for another weapon my handstruck the can of alcohol, and right then I had a genuine three-Xinspiration. I pulled the plug from the can and poured the spiritsdown. The bear howled murder as the stuff ran into his eyes, andplunking himself on his hunkies, he began to paw and scrape it out.There was my chance! I fumbled through all my pockets as fast as myhand could travel--no matches! Then cussing and praying like asteam-engine, I tried it again; found a handful in the first pocket;dropped most of 'em, being so nervous, but scratched what was left andchucked 'em on Mr. Bear.

  "Great Moses in the bulrushes! Events began on that instant. I'veseen a cyclone, and an earthquake, and a cloudburst, and an Injunoutbreak, and a Democratic convention, but roll 'em into one and thatbear would give 'em cards, spades, big and little casino, a stuffeddeck, and the tally-board too, and then beat 'em without looking at hishand.

  "I simply can't begin to tell you all the different kinds of pure,unadulterated hell he raised with the stock of curiosities Aggy hadbought in town. And the looks of him! White with flour half-way,spouting flames and smoke, and apparently three times as big as he waswhen he started! He was something before the people now, I tell you!And the burning hair smelt scandalous, and the way he ripped and roaredmade the ground tremble.

  "When he finally broke through the door, I was so interested that Iforgot to be afraid, and hopped down to watch him go, and then I sawthe last act of the tragedy.

  "Miguel heard the shot, and knowing we were in trouble, he started upthe trail on his old buckskin, fairly burning the earth.

  "He rounded a little clump of trees, and came plump on my bear,roaring, foaming, blazing, smoking, ripping, and flying! Well, sir,you can believe me or not, but I want to tell you that that cayuse ofMee's jumped right out from under him, and was half-way up Wilkin'sHill before the Mexican touched the ground. He was headed due west,and he must have reached the coast the next day, the gait he wastravelling. Anyhow, he vanished from the sight of man forever, as faras we know.

  "Mee sat froze just as he had landed, scart so there wasn't no moreexpression on his face, and the bear hopped right over the top of hishead. Then I reckon Mee thought his family friend had come for him,for he jumped ten foot in the air, and when he touched ground he was infull motion. It's only fair to say that Miguel could run when he puthis mind to it. 'El Infierno esta suelto!' he yells. 'Santiago!Santiago! Ten quidado conmigo! Madre mia! Salvame! Salvame pronto!'Lord, I can see him now, scuttling over the fair face of the Territoryof Idaho in the bright moonlight like a little bird--chest out; handsup; head back; black hair snapping in the breeze; long legs waving likethe spokes of a flywheel, and yelling for Santiago to keep an eye onhim, and for his mother to save him quick, as long as he was in sight.And when he passed, he passed out. He took a different direction fromhis horse, so it ain't likely they met, but neither one of 'em was seenno more around our part of the country."

  Miguel could run when he put his mind to it.]

  "Still, by and by there floated back to us a story of how a greaser hadbeen chased by a horrible white devil that stood twenty foot high, withteeth a foot long, horns, hoofs, claws, and a spiked tail; whichtravelled at a rate of speed that made a streak of lightning seem likea way-freight, scattering red fire and brimstone as it ran; whichchased said greaser forty mile over hill and dale and gulch andmountain top and Bad-Land district, after polishing off his horse inone bite, and finally sank into the ground with a report like a ton ofgiant powder.

  "And I've often wondered what really become of that bear."