Mortification: Writers’ Stories of Their Public Shame

by Robin Robertson

  Mortification

  Writers’ Stories of Their Public Shame

  EDITED BY ROBIN ROBERTSON

  Dedication

  to Ramona

  Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Dedication

  Epigraph

  Preface

  Margaret Atwood

  Glyn Maxwell

  Janice Galloway

  Rupert Thomson

  John Burnside

  David Harsent

  Carl Hiaasen

  Geoff Dyer

  Nicola Barker

  Bernard MacLaverty

  Simon Armitage

  Julian Barnes

  Rick Moody

  Paul Farley

  Edna O’Brien

  Andrew O’Hagan

  Deborah Moggach

  Thomas Lynch

  D.B.C. Pierre

  Val McDermid

  William Boyd

  William Trevor

  Julie Myerson

  James Lasdun

  Maggie O’Farrell

  Paul Muldoon

  André Brink

  Duncan McLean

  Vicki Feaver

  Paul Bailey

  Matthew Sweeney

  Chuck Palahniuk

  John Hartley Williams

  Margaret Drabble

  Colm Tóibín

  Louise Welsh

  Mark Doty

  Michael Ondaatje

  James Wood

  Patrick McCabe

  Adam Thorpe

  Jonathan Lethem

  Jonathan Coe

  Hugo Hamilton

  Claire Messud

  Michael Bracewell

  Darryl Pinckney

  Irvine Welsh

  Andrew Motion

  Karl Miller

  Michael Longley

  Hugo Williams

  Elizabeth McCracken

  Louis de Bernières

  John Banville

  Don Paterson

  Michael Holroyd

  Sean O’Reilly

  Charles Simic

  A.L. Kennedy

  Carlo Gébler

  Billy Collins

  Ciaran Carson

  Michael Donaghy

  Thorn Gunn

  Alan Warner

  Roddy Doyle

  John Lanchester

  Anne Enright

  Niall Griffiths

  Biographies

  Acknowledgements

  About the Author

  Copyright

  About the Publisher

  Preface

  I can date, with some precision, the genesis of this project. It was midwinter in Manchester; a cold, wet November evening many years ago. The audience in the city-centre bookshop was unusually small, but I bravely attributed this to the big match being played that night at Old Trafford. Two poems into my reading I looked up confidently, over the heads of the half-dozen, and saw, being pressed flatly against the plate-glass, a pair of huge white buttocks. Then a second. Then the rest of the back four. It is hard to regain one’s composure after being mooned at by a passing group of United supporters – particularly when they begin to outnumber the audience.

  Humiliation is not, of course, unique to writers. However, the world of letters does seem to offer a near-perfect microclimate for embarrassment and shame. There is something about the conjunction of high-mindedness and low income that is inherently comic; something about the presentation of deeply private thoughts – carefully worked and honed into art over the years – to a public audience of strangers, that strays perilously close to tragedy. It is entirely possible, I believe, to reverse Auden’s dictum that ‘art is born out of humiliation’.

  Having spent many years in the company of writers before and after public engagements, I have been regularly entertained by their tales of past deflations, and struck by their willingness to turn abasement into anecdote. These are the best stories, I think: those told against the teller. And for the reader, apart from the sheer schadenfreude of it all, there is admiration too: for that acknowledgement of human frailty, of punctured pride, but also of the seeming absurdity of trying to bring private art into the public space.

  Many of the stories collected in this book concern the audience (or, more commonly, the lack of one), fellow readers, the organizer, the venue, the ‘hospitality’, or the often interminable journey there and back. Then there are the experiences of teaching and being taught, reviewing and being reviewed, of festivals, panel discussions, symposia, signing sessions, literary parties and prizes, and the trips abroad, with all the attendant joys of translation. Finally there are also the forays into other media – particularly the bright worlds of television and radio – that can bring so many more people to share in your shame. Grief’s handmaiden through all this, it need hardly be said, is alcohol – in all varieties but only one size: too much. Drink courses through these pages like a Biblical flood.

  Despite inviting as many women as men to join this grim celebration, there is a distinct preponderance of male writers. This did not come as a huge surprise: the statistics show that the male of the species is more prone to indignity – or more used, at least, to having his indignities displayed in public. The Scots and Irish are out in force, but those countries are – as I know to my cost – the very cradles of shame. Nor do I make any excuse for the high proportion of poets. The whole enterprise of writing poetry is a de facto folly. These people devote days to single lines and years to preparing each slim collection, and then publish their work into a yawning maw of indifference. The poet, as Baudelaire explains,

  ‘is like the prince of the clouds,

  who rides the tempest and spurns the archer;

  exiled on the ground, amid scorn and derision,

  his giant wings prevent his walking.’

  The wings, certainly, but also the three bottles of house white.

  While there are occasional undercurrents of seriousness in these stories – a desire for something between expiation and exorcism, perhaps – their main intention is to make us laugh, while feeling a strong sense of ‘there, but for the grace of God, go I’. It is greatly to the credit of all the contributors that they have embraced their mortification so warmly – returning to the scene of the crime and leading us, hot-faced, through their hell.

  ‘Futility: playing a harp before a buffalo.’ Burmese proverb

  Margaret Atwood

  Mortifications never end. There is always a never-before-experienced one waiting just around the corner. As Scarlett O’Hara might have said, ‘Tomorrow is another mortification.’ Such anticipations give us hope: God isn’t finished with us yet, because these things are sent to try us. I’ve never been entirely sure what that meant. Where there is blushing, there is life? Something like that.

  While waiting for the mortifications yet to come, when I’ll have dentures and they’ll shoot out of my mouth on some august public occasion, or else I will topple off the podium or be sick on my presenter, I’ll tell you of three mortifications past.

  Early period

  Long, long ago, when I was only twenty-nine and my first novel had just been published, I was living in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. It was 1969. The Women’s Movement had begun, in New York City, but it had not yet reached Edmonton, Alberta. It was November. It was freezing cold. I was freezing cold, and I went about wearing a secondhand fur coat – muskrat, I think – that I’d bought at the Salvation Army for $25. I also had a fur hat I’d made out of a rabbit shruggie – a shruggie was a sort of fur bolero – by deleting the arms and sewing up the armholes.

  My publisher
arranged my first-ever book signing. I was very excited. Once I’d peeled off the muskrats and rabbits, there I would be, inside the Hudson’s Bay Company Department Store, where it was cozily warm – this in itself was exciting – with lines of eager, smiling readers waiting to purchase my book and have me scribble on it.

  The signing was at a table set up in the Men’s Sock and Underwear Department. I don’t know what the thinking was behind this. There I sat, at lunch hour, smiling away, surrounded by piles of a novel called The Edible Woman. Men in overcoats and galoshes and toe rubbers and scarves and earmuffs passed by my table, intent on the purchase of boxer shorts. They looked at me, then at the title of my novel. Subdued panic broke out. There was the sound of a muffled stampede as dozens of galoshes and toe rubbers shuffled rapidly in the other direction.

  I sold two copies.

  Middle period

  By this time I’d achieved a spoonful or two of notoriety, enough so that my US publisher could arrange to get me onto an American TV talk show. It was an afternoon show, which in those days – could it have been the late seventies? – meant variety. It was the sort of show at which they played pop music, and then you were supposed to sashay through a bead curtain, carrying your trained koala bear, or Japanese flower arrangement, or book.

  I waited behind the bead curtain. There was an act on before me. It was a group from the Colostomy Association, who were talking about their colostomies, and about how to use the colostomy bag.

  I knew I was doomed. No book could ever be that riveting. W.C. Fields vowed never to share the stage with a child or a dog; I can add to that, ‘Never follow the Colostomy Association.’ (Or any other thing having to do with frightening bodily items, such as the port-wine-stain removal technique that once preceded me in Australia.) The problem is, you lose all interest in yourself and your so-called ‘work’ – ‘What did you say your name was? And tell us the plot of your book, just in a couple of sentences, please’ – so immersed are you in picturing the gruesome intricacies of … but never mind.

  Modern period

  Recently I was on a TV show in Mexico. By this time I was famous, insofar as writers are, although perhaps not quite so famous in Mexico as in other places. This was the kind of show where they put make-up on you, and I had eyelashes that stood out like little black shelves.

  The interviewer was a very smart man who had lived – as it turned out – only a few blocks from my house, in Toronto, when he’d been a student and I’d been elsewhere, being mortified at my first book signing in Edmonton. We went merrily along through the interview, chatting about world affairs and such, until he hit me with the F-question. The do-you-consider-yourself-a-feminist question. I lobbed the ball briskly back over the net (‘Women are human beings, don’t you agree?’), but then he blindsided me. It was the eyelashes: they were so thick I didn’t see it coming.

  ‘Do you consider yourself feminine?’ he said.

  Nice Canadian middle-aged women go all strange when asked this by Mexican talk-show hosts somewhat younger than themselves, or at least I did. ‘What, at my age?’ I blurted. Meaning: I used to get asked this in 1969 as part of being mortified in Edmonton, and after thirty-four years I shouldn’t have to keep on dealing with it! But with eyelashes like that, what could I expect?

  ‘Sure, why not?’ he said.

  I refrained from telling him why not. I did not say: Geez Louise, I’m sixty-three and you still expect me to wear pink, with frills? I did not say: feminine, or feline, pal? Grr, meow. I did not say: This is a frivolous question.

  Whacking my eyelashes together, I said: ‘You really shouldn’t be asking me. You should be asking the men in my life.’ (Implying there were hordes of them.) ‘Just as I would ask the women in your life if you are masculine. They’d tell me the truth.’

  Time for the commercial.

  A couple of days later, still brooding on this theme, I said, in public, ‘My boyfriends got bald and fat and then they died.’ Then I said, ‘That would make a good title for a short story.’ Then I regretted having said both.

  Some mortifications are, after all, self-inflicted.

  ‘The dumbness in the eyes of animals is more touching than the speech of men, but the dumbness in the speech of men is more agonizing than the eyes of animals.’ Hindustani proverb

  Glyn Maxwell

  The West Midlands, 1990

  Library Lady: So. Excellent. Are there any questions for our poets? Yes?… From anyone… about anything … in the, the, the poetry? We’ve heard today?

  Really anything …

  Actually I – oh, yes?

  Schoolgirl: Like to ask Glen Maxwell something.

  Poet: Yep. Sure. Great.

  Schoolgirl: That last poem.

  Poet: ‘Seventh Day’?

  Schoolgirl: Yeah.

  Poet: What would you like to ask?

  Schoolgirl: Well. What’s it about?

  Poet: What’s the poem about?

  Schoolgirl: Yeah. What’s it about?

  Poet: Hmm … I suppose you could say it’s about it’s about it’s about let’s see. The speaker, or narrator, who may or may not be me, note … well all right I suppose it is me but it doesn’t necessarily follow it is anyway … The narrator. Is. Someone who’s woken up on a Sunday morning having obviously you know enjoyed himself wahay on the previous Saturday night if-ya-know-what-I-mean, I expect you do! so, right, so what I mean is is he’s dealing with a hangover that’s in the second stanza those are hangover cures or they’re not, nothing is, at least I find. Sleep maybe. But you know what a hangover is, don’t you, right yes, you do, of course ha ha, maybe you’ve got one now! maybe not, no of course, no. You haven’t, you’re you’re 13. And I’m anyway fourth stanza. I haven’t either of course, fourth stanza he’s feeling sort of wired, sort of sensitive you could say, and he’s suffering, he feels like he’s got one skin less than you know, the average, er, skin allocation, and he cares what people say, that’s an aspect certainly – of it. So he wanders around the house, sort of not engaging with this or that, feeling kind of existential – er … feeling kind of like an existing you know thing, thinking about himself like in the universe, alone in it, with as I say, that skin thing, from earlier. And the breathing, obviously. That regular, sort of, measure like a, I don’t know, like a … listen. Can’t hear it … And he what, I’m just checking it now he, he can’t sleep, on top of all that he’s lying there or sitting there and he can’t sleep, he looks out of the window see in the middle of the eighth stanza, eighth stanza … Stanza. Italian for room. He’s in a room, just as he’s in a oh GOD …

  Sorry, little sip of water, that’s good, Volvic, so he looks out, away, off, out at his own town, which is you know, just like your own town, but it’s my own town as opposed to, as opposed to … and he’s there, there with his water, and he takes a you know a pill to sleep which ends his his his consciousness his awareness as it indeed it ends the poem at that very exact point because beyond it there’s only the see for yourself the well the the the whiteness.

  Schoolgirl: Why didn’t you just write that then.

  ‘There smites nothing so sharp, nor smelleth so sour As shame.’ Langland, Piers Plowman

  Janice Galloway

  My granny had no patience with books and writers. None at all. A miner’s widow, she had a glass eye (a coal explosion in her own grate), a clay pipe (mostly unlit) and a habit of saying out loud what you hoped she wouldn’t. ‘Away and work’, was a favourite bon mot for oblivious glass-screen TV announcers; ‘Is that smell you?’ a witticism directed at doorstepping Mormons; ‘I’ve got my eye on you’ whilst removing the aforementioned glass appendage, the perfect remark to drain the blood from the faces of small children – you know the kind of thing. Years after she died in a house fire, my mother, unwell herself, told me in the manner of it being a last confession how much she had loved her mother, yet how embarrassed by her she had been. Not just embarrassed, marked. The worst, it seemed, needed to emerge.

/>   As a teenager, maybe eighteen or nineteen, she had taken her mother on a very rare, very special Big Night Out. The dazzling first showing of Gone with the Wind was the occasion in question, and women for miles had come in their fanciest duds to sit in the dark and watch it. The local fleapit had been done up and paper hankies and specially drafted-in boxes of Milk Tray were available in the foyer. This was glamour indeed, and my mother was enthralled with all of it before the movie even started. By the time a daring onscreen clinch reduced the cinema to sex-tingled silence, she was rapt almost beyond recall. At the pitch of the silence, however, a man sitting next to my mother, possibly despite his best efforts, possibly from a surfeit of unaccustomed chocolate, broke wind. My granny jumped to her feet, grey bun outlined in the projection beam, roaring, ‘It wasny me, it was him.’ She roared it repeatedly, pointing. By the time they were asked to leave, my mother already had and my granny had started a fight with two usherettes. ‘All those people,’ my mother sighed. Forty-five years later, she still blushed at the memory, the loss of fragile, teenage dignity. ‘She wasny what you’d call graceful.’

  Twenty years later still, I have no idea what either my mother or grandmother would have made of my being a writer, and that’s probably a damn good thing. I don’t know what I make of it either. I do know it works best when I’m alone and it’s when I haul myself in front of ‘all those people’ too that things seem more fraught. From the very first surreal radio interview, where I expected to be asked questions about the book I had just written and was instead asked by a ferociously chirpy Angela Rippon what I’d be doing to celebrate National Foot Week, this has been the case. It honestly never seems like me.

  Book in hand, I have been introduced in Leeds as ‘an up-and-coming comedienne from Billy Connolly country’. I have been heckled in Haworth as the organizer of a lesbian ‘happening’ about which I knew nothing, and had my invitation to a feminist conference in Motherwell rescinded on the grounds of being found out as ‘not feminist enough’. I have been thrown out of Amman University for being unable to truthfully promise I would not use the word ‘thighs’ during my session on the platform, yet dismissed as roundly as if I had won the Bad Sex Award by the all-too-audible snoring of a blue-rinsed lady as I read what I had hoped would be a pretty in-your-face fellatio story. I have been offered, free, a ‘cheerier ending’ for that story about ECT I just narrated, and one rather timid-looking chap waited for over an hour in a queue to tell me, as I signed his book, that he only wanted to say how much he hated my stuff and, while he was at it, my fucking earrings as well. I have been booked into a posh, would-be chic hotel with such vile green lighting I got a headache almost at once, and off-loaded into a dimly-lit warren where the wallpaper peeled down the wall, where the holes in the skirting looked too big to have been made even by Scottie dogs, where the locks didn’t work and the phone was disconnected and the local knocking-shop activity seemed set to begin at any second. I have even been asked if I minded not being paid.