She's Not There

by Joy Fielding

  “Do you remember where you were living then?” Caroline asked, recalling that Lili had said they’d moved around a lot.

  “Rome, I think. My father owned an import-export business that had offices all over the world. We were always traveling.”

  “And when did you first suspect you might not be who you thought you were?” Steve asked.

  Caroline was actually grateful that Steve had taken over the questioning. She didn’t trust her own voice, and his questions allowed her to focus on the girl’s reactions.

  “Like I told Caroline on the phone,” Lili said, glancing briefly in Caroline’s direction, “I’d always felt as if I didn’t quite belong. I don’t look anything like anyone else in my family and our interests are so different.”

  “In what way?” Michelle asked, returning to the room, although she remained in the doorway.

  “Well, my brothers are real jocks, and I’m not.”

  “Not particularly shocking,” Steve said.

  “They’re not really interested in school. And I love it. Especially math.”

  A slight groan escaped Caroline’s lips.

  “How convenient,” Steve said.

  “Convenient?”

  “You’ve undoubtedly read that my sister is a math teacher.”

  “Yes. That’s one of the things that made me suspect…”

  “And the other things?”

  “I’ve already discussed this with Caroline.”

  “Discuss it with me.”

  Lili swallowed, twisting her hands in her lap. “Well, the most obvious thing, of course, is the sketches on the Internet.”

  “She does look like the sketches,” Caroline said.

  “Half the teenage girls in America look like that sketch.”

  “She has Hunter’s jaw.”

  They heard a car screech to a halt in front of the house.

  “Speak of the devil,” Michelle said.

  Caroline pushed herself off the sofa and ran to the front window. “What’s he doing here?”

  “I called him.”

  “What? When?”

  “A few minutes ago. I caught him as he was leaving the gym, told him to get over here as fast as he could. Looks like he broke the sound barrier.”

  “You shouldn’t have called him.”

  “Why not? Don’t you think he has the right to meet his own flesh and blood? You’re anxious to meet your father, aren’t you, Lili? Or would you prefer we call you Samantha?”

  “I’d prefer to wait until we find out the truth,” Lili said.

  “Which will probably take at least a few days,” Michelle calculated. “Tell me, where are you planning on staying in the interim? Excuse me,” she said, walking to the front door without waiting for an answer.

  “Welcome home,” Steve said with a smile.

  “How’d you get here so fast?” Caroline heard Michelle ask her father as he stepped inside the foyer.

  “You said it was urgent. What’s going on?” Hunter asked in return.

  “See for yourself.”

  Hunter entered the living room, looking warily around. “Steve,” he acknowledged in greeting. “Mary.”

  Caroline looked toward her mother. She’d been so quiet since Lili’s dramatic entrance that Caroline had almost forgotten she was there.

  “What’s going on?” Hunter asked again, this time of Caroline, his gaze shifting to the young girl sitting on the sofa. “Who is this?” he asked warily, although his eyes said he already knew.

  “This is Lili,” Caroline said. Then, to Lili. “This is Hunter, my ex-husband.”

  “And quite possibly, your father,” Michelle elaborated. Her tone indicated she didn’t believe for a second that that was possible.

  “This is the girl who phoned you? The one you flew to Calgary to see?” Hunter proceeded cautiously into the room. “Stand up,” he directed Lili.

  Lili got to her feet. Hunter drew within inches of her, circling her slowly, studying her face from every angle as Caroline watched him, holding her breath.

  “Well?” Steve asked as Hunter took a few steps back. “What’s the verdict, counselor?”

  Hunter shook his head. “I don’t know. I just don’t know.” He looked toward Michelle, then back at Lili. “The two of you don’t look anything alike.”

  “They never did,” Caroline reminded him. “She has your jaw.”

  “Well, I guess that settles that,” Michelle said. “She has Dad’s jaw. Pretty definitive evidence, if you ask me. Don’t think we even have to bother with some pesky little DNA test. The prodigal daughter has returned. Let the celebrations begin.”

  “You sound so angry,” Caroline said.

  “I am angry. Some girl calls out of the blue and claims to be Samantha and the two of you are so blinded by your fantasies and your guilt that you throw reason out the window and welcome her with open arms…”

  “Nobody is doing that,” Hunter protested.

  “She’s come all this way,” Caroline began. “What harm could it do to take the test…?”

  “What harm?” Michelle demanded. “How many times do we have to go through this? Do you think I enjoy having my mother made a fool of—again? Haven’t you suffered enough humiliation? Have you forgotten what happened five years ago when that reporter—?” She broke off. “What’s the use? You never listen to me.”

  “Who are you, really?” Steve asked Lili, picking up where Michelle left off. “What is it you want? Money? Publicity?”

  “No.”

  “You think that by showing up here, by playing on my sister’s vulnerability, her desperate desire for some sort of closure, you’ll make a name for yourself, maybe be interviewed on TV? Have your fifteen minutes of fame?”

  “That’s not why she’s here,” Caroline said. Was it?

  “I don’t want fame. I don’t want publicity,” Lili said. “I just want to know the truth. We’ll take the DNA test. If it’s negative, I’ll be on the first plane out of here.” Her voice broke, the first sign that she was as nervous and confused as the rest of them.

  “We need to ease up a bit here,” Caroline said to the others. “This is a big risk she’s taken. Leaving her family, flying here on her own. It’s pretty amazing when you think about it.”

  “What’s amazing is how naïve you still are,” Michelle said. “And she still hasn’t answered my question: where are you planning to stay till the test results are in?”

  Lili shrugged, her lower lip trembling. “I don’t know. I guess I thought…”

  “You’d stay here?” Michelle asked.

  “Of course she’ll stay here,” Caroline said.

  “Mother, for God’s sake…”

  “You’ll stay here,” she told Lili.

  “I can’t. Not if it’s going to cause trouble.”

  “A little late for that, don’t you think?” Steve said.

  Hunter turned toward Caroline, his eyes filled with both hope and pain. “You really think there’s a chance in hell she could be Samantha?”

  “Oh, please,” said Michelle, making fists in the air. “You’re as bad as she is.”

  “What say you, Mother?” Steve asked. “You’ve been curiously quiet throughout all this. It’s not like you to be so restrained.”

  “Mother?” Caroline said, growing alarmed. “Are you all right?”

  “It’s her,” Mary said softly.

  “What are you talking about?” Steve protested.

  “She looks just like you did at that age,” Mary told Caroline.

  “You’re crazy,” Steve said. “She doesn’t look anything like Caroline did as a teenager.”

  Mary got up from her chair and approached Lili, reaching for the young girl’s chin, turning her head from side to side. “I’m not sure what it is exactly,” she said. “You’re right. The features aren’t the same. But it’s Caroline. I can see it.”

  “Are you sure?” Caroline asked.

  “It’s her,” Mary said firmly. “It
’s Samantha.”

  “So, what happens now?” Steve asked after several seconds of stunned silence, voicing the question on everyone’s lips.

  “I’ll call Peggy first thing in the morning,” Caroline said, remembering that Peggy and Fletcher were at a wedding and probably wouldn’t be back until late. “See if she knows where to go for a DNA test.”

  “Oh, please,” Michelle said. “Hasn’t anybody here ever heard of the Internet?” She left the room. Seconds later, her footsteps could be heard running up the stairs.

  “I’m really sorry,” Lili apologized to Caroline. “She seems so upset.”

  “Can you blame her?” asked Steve. “It’s not every day your sister returns from the dead.”

  “Let’s not get off track here, people,” Hunter interjected, in full lawyer mode. He glanced toward Lili, who sat perched on the edge of the sofa, her hand resting in Mary’s lap. “We won’t know anything until we take a DNA test and the results either confirm or deny. So I suggest we call it a day, get a good night’s sleep, Caroline will speak to Peggy first thing in the morning, and we’ll proceed from there. There’s little to be gained from further speculation or discussion. And nothing to be gained from telling anyone else about this. The last thing we want is for the press to hear about it. Are we agreed? Are we clear?”

  “Clear,” Steve said, although the question had been directed at Caroline.

  “I’m not going to tell anyone,” Lili said.

  “You have to call Calgary,” Caroline told her. “Your mother…” She stopped, the word sticking in her windpipe, like an errant piece of hard candy.

  “I forgot about her,” Hunter said. “She doesn’t know you’re here?”

  Lili shook her head.

  “Caroline’s right,” Hunter said. “You’ll have to call her.”

  “What do I tell her?”

  “The truth.”

  “You really think that’s a good idea?” Steve asked. “What if she calls the police?”

  “I guess that’s a chance we’ll have to take.”

  “She wouldn’t do that,” Lili said.

  “Certainly not if she has anything to hide,” Mary said, not quite under her breath.

  “Is there anything you can tell us that might make me a believer?” Steve asked Lili. “Anything at all that you remember from that night…?”

  Lili shook her head.

  “She was only two years old,” Caroline reminded her brother.

  A phone rang, a muffled collaboration of Beyoncé and Jay-Z emerging from Hunter’s pocket. He shrugged sheepishly and answered it, turning away from Caroline as he spoke. “Hi, babe.”

  Caroline felt an unexpected and unwanted twinge in the pit of her stomach at such easy intimacy. He’d never called her “babe.”

  “Yes, I’m fine. Sorry I haven’t called. I’m at Caroline’s. Something unexpected came up. I’ll tell you about it when I get home.”

  “I thought we weren’t supposed to tell anyone,” Steve reminded him.

  “You can’t expect me not to tell Diana,” Hunter protested, returning the phone to his pocket. “This affects her, too.”

  “He’s right,” Caroline said, her eyes boring into Hunter’s. “It’s not good to keep secrets from your wife.”

  Hunter had the good grace to look embarrassed. “I should go.”

  “Don’t you want to know what I found out?” Michelle asked, reentering the room and holding up a piece of paper. “It seems there are a whole slew of places in San Diego that test for DNA, including a clinic right here in Mission Hills. Unfortunately, results take three to five business days, which means we’re kind of stuck with each other for the next little while.”

  “Talk to Peggy,” Hunter said to Caroline. “See if she can speed things up.” He turned to leave, then stopped. “You want to stay at my place in the meantime?” he asked Michelle.

  “Nah. Think I’ll stay here.” She glanced at Caroline. “You don’t mind if I stick around, do you, Mom?”

  “Of course I don’t mind,” Caroline said, although in truth, there was a part of her that did mind, that had been hoping Michelle would spend the night, maybe even the next few days, at her father’s, thereby allowing Caroline to concentrate on Lili, get to know her better without Michelle’s negative energy hovering.

  “Not quite ready to give up my room just yet,” Michelle said.

  “Nobody’s asked you to give up your room.”

  “Oh, right. She can sleep in her old room.”

  “Michelle…”

  “It used to be your nursery. Mom insisted on keeping the crib and everything for years, but now it’s a guest room,” she explained to Lili. “It has a foldout sofa. Not that comfortable, but since I doubt you’ll be staying long…”

  “I think that’s quite enough, Michelle,” Mary said firmly, holding tight to Lili’s hand.

  “Grandma Mary?” The shock in Michelle’s voice bounced off the living room walls.

  Mary let go of Lili’s hand and rose to her feet. “Your father is right. There’s no point in further discussion. We need to get some rest and carry on in the morning. Steve, darling, I think it’s time we went home.”

  Steve was instantly on his feet. “Your wish, as always, is my command.”

  Mary bent down to kiss Lili’s cheek. “Good night, sweetheart.”

  “Sweetheart?” Michelle repeated incredulously. “Just like that?”

  “Goodnight, Micki,” her grandmother said. “Try to behave.”

  “What the hell was that?” Michelle asked after they were gone.

  “That was your grandmother,” Caroline told her, recognizing Mary’s ingrained habit of playing one family member off against another. The woman simply could not help herself. “Welcome to my world.”

  —

  “What did she say?” Caroline asked Lili as she hung up the phone.

  “She was pretty upset.” Lili sat down across from Caroline at the kitchen table. The remains of the cheese omelet Caroline had made for dinner sat congealing on their plates. Michelle, of course, had declined to eat. She’d been holed up in her room with the door closed ever since the others left. “She wants me to come home.”

  “You told her no,” Caroline stated, replaying Lili’s end of the conversation in her mind.

  I’m in California. I’m fine. Please don’t worry.

  “Tell me what she said.”

  I’m with Caroline Shipley. You know, the woman whose little girl was stolen out of her crib in Mexico fifteen years ago? I know you think I’m crazy, but I think I might be that girl.

  “She said I’m being ridiculous, that she’s my mother.”

  I have to know one way or the other. I have to know for sure.

  “She said she wants me home immediately or she’ll call the authorities.”

  We’ll take a DNA test in the morning. I’ll have the results by the end of the week.

  “Do you think she will? Call the authorities, I mean?” Caroline asked.

  “I don’t know.”

  I’ll call you tomorrow. Please try to understand. I have to do this.

  “At least she knows you’re all right.”

  I love you.

  “She was crying.”

  Goodbye, Mommy.

  “This can’t be easy for either of you,” Caroline said, the word Mommy echoing in her ears, a word directed at another woman, a word she’d been denied hearing from Samantha’s lips for fifteen years.

  Mommy, Mommy, Mommy.

  “What can’t be easy?” Michelle asked, materializing in the doorway.

  Caroline jumped. “You scared me.”

  “Forgot I was here, did you?”

  “Would you like something to eat?” Caroline said, refusing to take the bait.

  “Let me think,” Michelle said, surveying the leftover omelets on their plates. “Greasy fried eggs smothered in processed cheese. How can I resist?” She opened the fridge, withdrew a green apple and took a large bite. “W
hat can’t be easy?” she repeated.

  “I phoned Calgary,” Lili told her.

  “Your mother give you a hard time?”

  “She doesn’t understand why I’m doing this.”

  “She’s not the only one.” Michelle pulled out a chair between Caroline and Lili and straddled it, crunching on her apple. “So, what’s she like? Your mother?” she asked pointedly.

  “She’s really nice,” Lili answered, tears filling her eyes. “Quiet. A little shy. She likes crossword puzzles and watching cooking shows on TV. She’s a really good cook.”

  “Does she have a job?”

  “No. We’re pretty much it. She homeschooled my brothers and me, nursed my father when he got sick.”

  “She sounds awful,” Michelle deadpanned. “No wonder you’re so anxious to leave.”

  “Michelle…”

  “So, you want to know what I found out about this whole DNA business?”

  Caroline sighed, grateful for the reprieve. “Please.”

  Michelle struggled to read her writing. “Well, it appears you have two choices, a private test option and a legal test option.”

  “What’s the difference?”

  “In a legal test option, the sample collection is witnessed, which, I assume, is the one you’d want. It’s the one that would stand up in court.”

  Caroline looked to Lili. They nodded in unison.

  “Okay, so, you go to the clinic and they take a buccal swab specimen—don’t know if I’m pronouncing that right—which is a fancy way of saying a mouth swab, from each of you. Painless, relatively non-invasive, takes just a few seconds, you’ve seen it a million times on TV. ‘This sample contains cells, and most cells in our body contain a full set of genetic information in the form of DNA.’ That’s short for de…oxy…ribo…nucleic acid,” she said, struggling with the long word. “For sure I didn’t pronounce that one right. Anyway”—she continued reading from her notes—“ ‘DNA is essentially a genetic blueprint, much like a fingerprint, and is unique to each individual.’ You know that already, right?”

  Again Caroline and Lili nodded together. “Is there more?” Caroline asked.