Just Breathe

by Rachel Brookes

  “Sav, are you okay with riding with Tate? Will you take the boards, bro?” Jack looked between Tate and me and smiled. He was as subtle as a brick. Tanzi stood behind her boyfriend and nodded in agreement, winking at me and raising her eyes swiftly. Subtlety was something that both Jack and Tanzi were in desperate need to learn.

  “Yeah, man, just load up my jeep,” Tate replied with a laugh.

  I walked beside Lucas and Ali, shuffling my feet as we made our way to the cars. I focused on Tate’s back as his muscles tensed with each step he took in front of me. I remembered so clearly kissing the tattoo on his back and I wished we could go back to that moment. I took two steps at a time until I was inches behind him; I didn’t care who was around or who saw. I just needed to show him that it was him. It had to be him. I raised my hand, softly placed it on his shoulder blade. He stiffened under my touch and stopped. He didn’t turn to face me and he kept his back toward me. I stood on my tiptoes and placed a light kiss on his shoulder blade and wrapped my arm around his waist. I felt reassured as I saw goose bumps rise on his skin.

  “I have a real dislike of Chelsea,” I whispered, my lips vibrating against his back. I pulled on his arm and turned him around so he was facing me.

  “You are so cute when you’re jealous but honestly, you’ve got nothing to worry about.”

  “And you have nothing to worry about when it comes to Lucas, he is totally in to Ali.” Tate’s eyes swung to where Lucas and Ali were in quiet conversation. “I’m going to set them up.”

  We walked in silence to his jeep and said goodbye to Tanzi, Jack, Ali and Lucas. Tate pulled out of the car park as I settled back for the hour-long trip back to the apartment. A nervous tension swamped the car; there were a lot of unspoken words that needed to be said between us but we were both stubborn.

  Tate was the first to break. “So do you forgive me?”

  I twisted in my seat toward him. “Forgive you for what?” I asked.

  “For not tell you who Chelsea was.” His eyes left the road in front of him for a brief moment to give me an apologetic look. He still hadn’t mentioned anything about who Candice was.

  “How about we just forget about last night?”

  “What?” he shrieked. “You want to forget about our kisses, the way we were pressed against each other, the way we made each other squirm, the way my fingers made you beg me? You want to forget that, Sav?” I looked at him is astonishment. A smirk lingered on his lips as his eyes darkened at the memory of the night before.

  “Yeah, I didn’t think you’d want to forget that.” He laughed softly and gave me a wink before turning his attention back to the road in front of us.

  I was so totally his.

  Chapter Eighteen

  The rain beat down hard as I stretched in my bed. I loved waking up to the sound of rain and when I heard the thunder rumbling in the distance, it made it even better. I grabbed my phone as a text came through.

  Tate: Are you ready for me?

  Me: What do you mean?

  Tate: Be ready in an hour. You are spending the weekend with me.

  Within the hour I was sitting in Tate’s jeep as we flew down the Pacific Coast Highway with our destination being San Diego. It was barely seven a.m. on a Saturday morning and all I wanted to do was sleep in. He hadn’t told me where exactly we were going in San Diego; the only hint was that he was going to show me who he was.

  The drive to San Diego was like a Q&A session. We spent the time firing questions at each other. Tate asked me everything from what my life in Australia was like, whether kangaroos really did roam the streets, what a Tim Tam was like and whether all Aussie chicks were as hot as me. Yep, he was a charmer all right.

  “I leave for New York in a couple of days, I go for three weeks. Do you reckon Mr. Davenport will let you come with me?” Tate asked from the driver’s seat.

  I pouted and shifted in my seat. “Really? I didn’t think it was for a few more weeks. And no I doubt that he will let me go.”

  “I’ve got to keep Lucas away from you while I’m gone.”

  “For the last god damn time, there is nothing with Lucas. Please get it out of your head. I am setting him up with Ali.”

  “I don’t know how I feel about that.”

  “You don’t have any say. I am doing it.”

  He smiled and rolled his eyes at me. “I have never met anyone as stubborn as you before.”

  The moment we drove into San Diego, the whole mood in the car shifted. Tate wasn’t joking anymore and he wasn’t responding to anything I was saying. I turned to face him when I heard a sigh escape from deep within him and I noticed his body stiffen and his face whiten. His hands gripped the steering wheel tightly as we stopped at a busy intersection and his eyes closed as I heard him let out a sad sigh. I shifted over in my seat and gently put my hand on his thigh, and I couldn’t help but notice the way he flinched under my touch.

  “Are you okay?” I whispered, lightly rubbing my hand over his thigh.

  “It’s hard being back here, Sav.”

  “Talk to me,” I whispered, begging for him to open up, wanting to know everything about him.

  He shifted in his seat, turning to look at me; his eyes showed sadness I had never seen before.

  “I will, I promise. I need to show you though.” His voice was thick with emotion, full of sadness, begging for acceptance. Nodding, I grabbed his hand, not taking my eyes off him for the rest of trip.

  We drove out of the city, leaving the high rises behind us and moving toward the outskirts of the city, where the traffic started to disperse and the scenery changed to feature the stunning coastline. Tate hadn’t said a word and his grip remained tight on the steering wheel.

  Tate suddenly turned off the main road into a large driveway with a large set of cast iron gates. As I read the sign that hung above the gates my heart sank. Haven Hills Cemetery.

  I held my breath as he switched off the engine. He dropped his head and I could hear him mutter something under his breath, it was as if he was saying a silent prayer. He gave me a lingering look that I could only describe as heartache. In silence, he got out of the car and slowly walked toward my side. Opening my door, he grabbed my hand and we walked through the cemetery in silence. He knew exactly where we were going.

  I heard his breathing become unsteady and he inhaled sharply as we stopped in front of a large marbled headstone surrounded by beautiful roses in shades of pinks, reds and yellows.

  Candice Ryan

  19 years old

  Forever loved, never forgotten

  Tate dropped my hand and moved slowly toward the headstone. He kneeled down and placed a kiss on the name Candice and then sat down and dropped his head into his head. He was in pain and I didn’t know what to do. The minutes ticked by and my eyes never left him. I could hear him whispering and watched as he ran his fingers over the name and the dates carved into the marble. He slowly rose to his unsteady feet. Kissing his fingertips, he placed them over the name one final time. My heart was completely and utterly breaking for him.

  My heart shattered when he turned to face me. His eyes were red and his cheeks were stained by tears that had run down his beautiful face. I couldn’t stand back any longer. I rushed toward him, never taking my eyes from his face. My arms engulfed him and I pulled him as close as possible. His body shook against mine and my shoulder dampened by the new tears he was shedding for this person I did not know.

  I felt him pull his shaking body away from mine. “I want to go home,” he whispered before pulling me toward the car.

  I turned in my seat, my eyes never leaving him for the two-hour trip back to Los Angeles. I had so many questions begging to be asked, but I knew I would wait until he decided to talk. The trip was eerily quiet, the sound of a pin dropping could have been heard in the silence surrounding us. His grip had loosened on the steering wheel and at every intersection he would look at me. Our gaze only broke when the car behind us honked.

  As we wal
ked into his apartment, I could feel the walls he was putting up slowly start to fall. He grabbed my hand and pulled me softly into his chest. “Thank you,” he whispered into my hair.

  “I’m going to make you the best macaroni and cheese you’ve ever had,” he said as he pulled me into the kitchen. The first smile that I had seen all afternoon graced his face.

  His face was suddenly serious. “Actually, do they even have mac and cheese in Australia?”

  “Yes, we have mac and cheese, but guess what? Kangaroos deliver it to us and then we put them in our backyard as pets,” I quipped. He glared at me before chasing me around the kitchen, trying to whip me with the hand towel. I squealed in amusement, which only made his booming laugh intensify.

  “You are not one bit funny,” he mused in defeat. Pouting, he moved toward the stove and minutes later the smell of melted cheese filled the kitchen, causing my stomach to growl in anticipation. We sat at the kitchen bench where I inhaled the mac and cheese in record time. Macaroni and cheese at midday was delicious.

  “You are too much. You inhaled that.”

  His face suddenly dropped and my stomach clenched. It was time. Tate grabbed my shaking hand and pulled me toward the couch in the living room. I watched silently as he lit the candles on the mantelpiece before he moved back to the couch. The way he rubbed the back of his neck made it clear he was uneasy. The thunder rumbling in the distance intensified the living room.

  When his eyes met mine, they exposed a fear in him that I had never seen before. The darkness of his eyes looked like it had been caused by a fear that he was constantly battling.

  “What happened?” I asked as I moved closer to him, hesitating for a moment before grabbing his hands hoping to provide some kind of comfort to the shattered man in front of me.

  He raised his head to look at me; his eyes looked like he was having an internal debate with himself as to whether to open up to me. “I’ve never told anyone this,” he whispered.

  “Who is Candice?” I moved an inch closer, breaking the space between us because I wanted and needed to give him comfort without pushing him further away. He looked at our joined hands and his eyes started to glisten with tears.

  “Candice was everything to me. She was my high school sweetheart. We were together for five years. We met in the cafeteria on a Tuesday and that was it. We were inseparable.” He smiled at the memory and his sad eyes twinkled.

  “We had our life planned out, Candice was going to college in L.A. and I was going to college in San Diego. We studied during the week and spent every weekend together. We had talked about buying an apartment together in San Diego after college, starting a family, getting married, everything.” His face darkened while his grip on my hand tightened almost to the point of pain but I didn’t move.

  “It was a Friday night and I knew Candice would be coming home for the weekend. I called, asking her to pick up dinner on the way home. I didn’t know that she had left half an hour earlier, if I had known I would never have called.” His voice cracked and I watched the color drain from his face.

  “I killed my girlfriend, Savannah. It was my fault.” His eyes closed at the memory and I watched as a single tear ran down his perfect face.

  “It was my call that killed her. I called thinking that she was still at school, thinking I would catch her before she left. She got it when she was driving; she took her eyes off the road to answer my call. She took her eyes off the road because of me; she smashed head-on into oncoming traffic because of me. She died because of me.” His eyes wouldn’t meet mine and he was shaking beside me, I felt utterly and completely helpless. What could I possibly do or say to make him stop torturing himself like this.

  I faced him, my eyes staring at his pain-filled face. I wanted to kiss him, I wanted to wrap my arms around him and never let go. I spun my legs and placed them over his lap and his eyes finally met mine. His hand came to rest softly on my bare legs and his thumb slowly began rubbing the spot just below my knee. I lifted my shaking hands, using my finger and thumb to turn his face to mine.

  “Tate, you had no idea. It’s not your fault. None of this is your fault. It was a horrific accident. You loved Candice with all your heart—you still love her and you always will. Please for the love you have for Candice and for her memory, don’t blame yourself.”

  “I don’t know how I can move on; I don’t know what’s real or fake anymore, Sav.” I could barely hear his voice. He was more broken than I could ever have imagined.

  “You have to grieve; you have to believe that this wasn’t your fault. You have to let people in.”

  His eyes suddenly glared with anger, his hand gripped mine tightly. “I did let someone in, and then Blake fucked her. I’ve never trusted or opened up to anyone ever since. I killed Candice and then my girlfriend cheated on me, so I started screwing around. I fucked anyone and everyone. I would never allow myself to get close to anyone. I was and still am an asshole, Sav. I can’t change that. I don’t know how to change that.”

  My eyes dropped and at that moment I realized we were more alike than I could ever have imagined. We were beautifully broken in so many ways. I needed to show him who I was.

  “My parents died in a car accident when I was ten years old. I remember seeing their lifeless bodies in the hospital and screaming that it wasn’t real. When I was eighteen and thought my life was going okay and I had someone to love me, my high school sweetheart cheated on me with my best friend and then killed himself when I wouldn’t take him back. He blamed me in his suicide letter. I have never dealt with it. To this day I still don’t believe my parents are really dead. I dealt with my grief with random guys, hiding behind the lies, never allowing anyone to get close, shutting myself off to everything and everyone. Everyone I got close to left me in some way, so I never let anyone in.”

  His muscular arms were around me within seconds, pulling me onto his lap and tightening around me in comfort. I buried my head in his chest as I felt tears threatening to spill.

  “Your parents would be so proud of you, and as for your ex-boyfriend, in a fucked-up way I have to thank him because if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t be here with you. I wouldn’t have you in my arms or be this comfortable or be this overwhelmed by you.”

  Lifting my head from his chest I sighed when I gazed at his face. My heart constricted, I knew I was falling for this man and for once the fear that had strangled me so many times before wasn’t holding me back.

  “Let me help you, Sav. I need you to help me. I am desperate for you to help me,” he begged as his arms tightened around me.

  I wanted him to help me but more than anything I wanted us to help each other. We were so similar—we were broken, but mostly we were scared. Scared to love, scared to be loved, scared to move on from the past and afraid of the future. He laid me on the oversized couch, moving his body closely behind mine. The closeness and the heat of his body brought on a comfort I craved. He spooned me as if he was holding on for dear life; I felt his breath on the back of my neck, his arms snaked around my waist. I sighed in contentment. There was no place I would rather be.

  Chapter Nineteen

  My eyes tried to adjust to the setting sun of Tate and Tanzi’s apartment as the shards of fading daylight peeked through the blinds. My eyes focused on the gorgeous face of Tate, whose perfect features were inches from mine. He still had his arms tightly around my waist and his eyes were closed and his breathing steady. My eyes dropped to stare at his pouting pink lips, the lips I constantly wanted.

  “It’s rude to stare.” His lips curled into a smile before his eyes opened and he gazed at me with contentment. It was taking everything I had not to launch myself at him.

  “It’s rude to look that good while you sleep,” I mustered.

  I sighed as he pulled me closer to his body. Our legs entangled in an attempt to get closer to each other before we fell into a comfortable silence. I knew I had given my heart to this man today. I finally admitted to myself that he had
my heart from the very first moment I saw him and from now on, I had to try not to fight it. His gaze only left my eyes when he looked at my lips. I didn’t want to make the first move, but I knew I couldn’t help myself.

  Running his finger from my lips and over my jawbone, I stiffened under his touch. “You are way too cute when you sleep. You make these little noises and you snore.”

  Outraged, I sat up quickly. “I do not snore,” I pouted as I softly pushed away from him in protest.

  “Now I understand why you don’t let people stay over.” Winking at me, his laughter filled the air.

  “I am going to pretend you didn’t say that! I’m going to go jump in the shower so you need to get in the kitchen and cook me something. I am your guest, after all.” Grabbing the nearest pillow, he whacked my bum as I got off the couch.

  “Don’t touch what you can’t afford, Mr. Connors.” I wiggled my bum in front of him before smirking and giving him my most seductive look.

  “I already own it, so why do I have to buy it?” His eyes travelled my entire body, stopping at my hips and lingering on my chest. I instantly began to crave his touch, my body aching under his gaze.

  “Oh really, you think you own this?” I moved toward the couch, exaggeratedly swaying my hips, biting my bottom lip, my bedroom eyes on full display, stopping just out of his reach.

  “Fuck, you are going to be the death of me, Savannah. Get upstairs and shower; you are stinking out my apartment.” Pushing me out the door, he laughed when I glared back at him over my shoulder.

  ***

  I sighed as I stood in the shower, letting the hot water cascaded over my body as my mind tried to come to terms with the events of the day. With the steam surrounding me, I closed my eyes, getting lost in my thoughts. In the last twenty-four hours life had taken a dramatic turn, and now I was here with the guy who I wanted to be with in every sense. He was the guy who had made every other guy nonexistent to me. The guy I had tried to hate so desperately, who had just told me his most inner thoughts and who I had completely opened up to. I was falling for this man.