Just Breathe

by Rachel Brookes

  Tanzi stepped toward Chelsea with fire swarming within her eyes. “Chelsea, just leave. You’ve done enough,” she warned through clenched teeth, not bothering to hide her clenched fists by her sides.

  “I am not leaving until I get what I came here for, and that is to fuck Tate in his office. That desk is mine, the couch is mine and that floor is mine, bitch,” she spat in my direction.

  “You are really making yourself look classy, aren’t you? Just leave, Chelsea. You’ve done what you’ve set out to do tonight. You are nothing but a dirty whore,” I blasted in her direction.

  Her fist connected with my jaw and the metal taste of blood encased my mouth. The force of her blow made me stumble back into who I assumed was Jack, who lightly pushed me back toward Chelsea, giving me a small amount of encouragement. I took a step toward her and smirked. I just smirked. I had no intention to fight this girl but the urge was definitely there. I imagined that she would be the type of person who would put me up for assault, and I valued my visa too much for this skank to wreck anything else in my life. She had destroyed my relationship and I sure as hell wasn’t allowing her to destroy my career. My smirk only infuriated her more. Her hands pulled, ripped, grabbed and tugged my hair. She got another hit in; this time at the top of my cheek, which immediately began throbbing…this was going to look great at the office on Monday.

  “Fuck! Off!” I screamed at her and with one almighty push, she crashed to the floor at my feet. She immediately started pleading at Tate to help her. He looked between the crying mess of a girl on the floor and me. She no longer looked like the rabid dog she was moments ago. I couldn’t watch this any longer. I couldn’t allow myself to be destroyed any more. I’d had enough of this.

  The music continued to boom through the bar, but all I heard was silence. I was panicking, my heartbeat was racing way too fast and I felt myself losing control. I clenched my fists beside my body and took a step toward her; she was now cowering and trying to huddle behind Tate. I felt Tanzi follow me.

  “You know what? You can have him.” I shoved past her and stormed into the crowd; my body was shaking in pure rage. I felt someone’s hand grabbing mine. I looked up and found Lucas looking at me.

  “Take me away from here, Lucas. I can’t be here.” Lucas fingers interlocked with mine as he pulled me away from the scene and away from a furious Tanzi, who was now telling Tate exactly what she thought and she did it in a way where she didn’t care who heard her.

  Walking in a complete daze, my thoughts were crushing me. If I hadn’t turned up would Tate be fucking Chelsea right now? He didn’t trust me; he had never trusted me. The bar suddenly felt claustrophobic, everything about this place felt wrong.

  “What do you want to do?” Lucas stopped me and turned me toward him. His eyes roamed my face as he examined my busted lip and slowly swelling eye.

  “Drink. I just want to drink.”

  We hurried through the crowd with only one thing on my mind and that was to get obscenely drunk. The main bar would be my sanctuary tonight. It would be my savior and provide me with everything I needed to get myself drunk so nothing and no one would matter. I didn’t hesitate as I walked toward the bar, ignoring the people waiting in line; I just didn’t care. I took it upon myself and walked behind the bar and began pouring my own drinks. I heard the young woman who was working the bar start to object. Bring it on, bitch, I thought.

  “Let her.” I heard Tate say. I didn’t acknowledge him. I couldn’t look at him. I stood behind the bar pouring myself shot after shot of tequila, it burned my throat but didn’t cure my aching heart. I knew four of the most important people in my life were now staring at me, helpless. I heard Tanzi tell Lucas to make me stop. I heard Jack sigh and call Tate a pathetic prick, and I heard Tate muttering under his breath. The tequila wasn’t doing anything for me. I don’t think there was anything that would help at the moment. My heart was freezing again at a rapid rate, my walls were being rebuilt and tequila would not help me.

  “Sav, I think that’s enough,” Tate said, breaking my concentration on the tequila bottle in front of me.

  I finally looked at him, my eyes focusing on a man who looked pained and full of regret. And I didn’t give a shit.

  Stalking around the bar I stood in front of Tate. He had claimed my heart but had no sooner ripped it into a thousand pieces. I slapped him—hard. I saw the shape of my handprint quickly take over his cheek. He didn’t move. He didn’t speak. He just stared at me with those damn blue eyes that could make my heart miss a beat.

  I felt the lump in my throat rise. I felt the tears threatening to spill. I felt my palms begin to sweat as panic swept through me like a freight train. I took a deep breath and faced Tate.

  “Do not talk to me, do not come near me, do not call me, do not look at me and do not think about me. I can’t believe you did this. Why did you have to do this, Tate?” I sobbed as my heart constricted. “Lucas is my friend, my friend who is dating your cousin.”

  I walked through the crowd in a daze. I needed to go home. I needed to get away from him. Stevie looked at me with sympathetic eyes as I walked through the double doors and out to the busy street.

  “Sav, let me call you a cab,” he yelled as I walked away from Red Velvet.

  “It’s okay, Stevie. I’m taking her home.” Tanzi’s arm went around my waist and pulled me tightly in for a hug. It was at that moment, standing on the sidewalk in Los Angeles, that I lost it. I was breaking another promise to myself, the promise of never crying for a guy again, but here I was, crying for Tate and everything I knew I had lost.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  “Is she here?” Tate’s deep voice echoed through the apartment. I sighed as I heard his footsteps rushing toward the kitchen, where Tanzi and I were huddled at the kitchen table, bottles of alcohol and shot glasses in front of us. Why hadn’t we gone to my apartment?

  “Yes, I’m here and I don’t want to talk to you,” I scolded and then slammed down my third or fourth shot of tequila, the thought of getting obscenely drunk and forgetting this night was looking good.

  Tate stopped in the doorway and looked at me; his eyes were pained but relief swam through them as he finally found me. I looked behind him and saw Jack and Lucas standing hesitantly in the shadows. Tate rushed toward me and crouched down low in front of me, his hands resting on my legs. I looked down at his hands and tried to move away from him but he wouldn’t have it, his hands clasped over my knees to lock me in. “You need to let me explain,” he insisted.

  I looked at him as my heart constricted, someone had cleaned up his cheek and lip, but it was his eyes that ripped my heart apart. They were raw, empty and pleading. The thought of listening to what he had to stay was too much. I was angry at him, angry that he didn’t trust me, angry that Chelsea was there, angry that my plans of having him to myself had been ripped from me but more than anything, I was scared. I was scared that I would crumble, that I would show weakness, I would show truth, I would show my true feelings…and that’s one thing I couldn’t risk.

  “I don’t need to let you do anything.” I stood from my seat, pushing his hands from my legs and walked toward the living room, putting the couch between us. Lucas, Jack and Tanzi were now watching nervously, and I smiled slightly at the protective look on Jack’s and Lucas’ faces as they watched the drama unfold.

  “Savannah, please. This isn’t how this is going to end. You need to listen to me, let me explain.”

  “How are you going to explain it, Tate? You punched one of my friends for no reason at all, you accused me of cheating on you, you invited your fuck buddy to Los Angeles at the first sign of our supposed trouble and you would have fucked her if I hadn’t turned up when I did. How are you going to explain that?” I took a deep breath before continuing. “You had a choice, Tate, and you made your decision. You need to give me space. I can’t do this now. You have to back off.” I turned my face away from his eyes as a sign of dismissal. I never wanted to say those word
s to him. I wanted nothing more than for him to wrap his arms around me and rock me into a sleepy daze. I wanted him to pinch me to show me that this was a crazy dream.

  He walked around the couch toward me while my heart rate increased. He softly placed a palm on each side of my face to ensure that I was looking directly at him with barely an inch between us before he spoke. “I’ll give you the space you need, but I promise you this. I will fight for this. I will fight for you, and believe me, I will fight for us. If you thought I was stubborn before, you haven’t seen anything yet,” he whispered with a promise lingering in his words. “I was stupid, scared. I was terrified it was happening all over again. I promise you I didn’t call her. I didn’t tell her to come to the bar. She turned up. I would never cheat on you. Ever.”

  “I thought I had found the one,” I sobbed as my body shook. I wrapped my arms around my body in protection. I looked up at him through tear-laden eyes and found a shattered man.

  Tate took a hesitant step toward me and grabbed my hands. I loved my hands in his, the size of his hands made mine look so small and delicate. “You did. I need to be your one, Sav. Please.”

  My eyes closed tightly as his thumb grazed my cheek so innocently and softly. I breathed out deeply as he let his hands fall from my face. I watched him slowly move toward the door that led to the balcony of the apartment. His shoulders were slumped and his body language was screaming at me. He was hurting. I knew at that moment that I was done for the night. The hangover that I would suffer in the morning was something that I didn’t want to comprehend, and I needed to leave. Tate turned toward me as his hand cradled the door handle of the double glass doors that led to his quiet sanctuary. “I need you, Sav. It’s as simple as that. I am not me without you.” His voice cracked under the heavy emotion of his words. He didn’t look anywhere but me. My overwhelming urge to comfort him was stronger than it ever was, but I knew I couldn’t and it absolutely killed me.

  “I’ve got to go. Can you take me home, Lucas?” I stumbled drunkenly to the front door, bouncing off the walls. I heard muttered words behind me as the alcohol set in, and I felt myself crashing fast.

  Within seconds, Lucas had his arm tight around my waist and my head rested on his shoulder as he half-carried me to the lift and then into my apartment. I was so incredibly drunk and I didn’t care one bit. Passing out and forgetting everything was the plan. The moment Lucas pulled back my comforter and gently laid me in my bed the room began to spin. I felt like I was on the world’s worst roller coaster.

  Lucas sat beside me and looked down at me sadly. “I’ll stay on the couch. Yell if you need anything.”

  “I’m so sorry, Lucas. I didn’t mean for this to happen.” I looked up at the guy who had become one of my closest friends. His eye looked painfully swollen but he was here concerned about me. I didn’t deserve this.

  “Hey…this isn’t your fault. None of this is your fault.” His hand swamped mine and with his other hand he pushed my hair behind my ear. His eyes burned into mine with forgiveness.

  I squinted painfully as he placed a kiss on my cheek a little too close to the bruise that had been left my Chelsea’s fist. Luckily, Tanzi had cleaned me up when we got back to the apartment; otherwise I’d still look like a hot mess. My fingers softly skimmed my busted lip and I flinched as I touched my eye. My head was swimming with Tate, Chelsea and Los Angeles. I was hurting; every part of my heart was aching. My feet wanted to run toward Tate and smother him with my body and tell him that I didn’t care, that I needed him that everything now revolved around him.

  ***

  When had the sun become so annoyingly bright?

  My head was thumping like a jackhammer had been shoved in there. The combination of the dryness of my mouth and the churning of my stomach made the bathroom look like a great place to spend the day.

  As soon as he heard movement from my bedroom, Lucas rushed in and began fussing over me like I was wrapped in cotton wool. He was being adorably cute, but I knew he needed to leave and go see Ali. He and Ali had just started dating and I wasn’t going to allow our friendship to destroy another relationship.

  “Go see Ali. Thank you for everything though; you don’t know how much it meant to me. You are the type of guy friend every girl needs and wants. I think I’m going to be spending my day in the bath with a good book and a constant supply of aspirin.” I faked a smile and slowly stood up from my bed, my shakes from the excessive consumption of alcohol last night hitting me quickly.

  “Are you sure? I can stay, it’s not a problem.” He looked me over in quick concern and held out his hand to steady me.

  “I’ll be fine. I am Savannah, Queen of Hard Knocks. See!” I gave him an exaggerated smile and double thumbs up and attempted to walk half normal to the kitchen.

  “Okay, but I’m bringing dinner back later,” he said sternly. He hesitated before walking out of my apartment and leaving me in an unwelcomed silence.

  I couldn’t believe I had allowed someone to affect me like this. The memory of Tate and Chelsea was burned into my brain—the words she said to me, the words he said to me and the look on both of their faces. But the feeling of my heart crushing was almost unbearable. It felt like Corey all over again. I knew I should be able to shake this off, I should be able to go back to be Savannah, man-eater, heartbreaker, Miss Get Around Town, but I knew the moment Tate had burst into my life she had disappeared.

  My apartment was silent besides the buzzing of my refrigerator, the room only lit by scattered candles and the snaps of lightning breaking through my window blinds. Wrapping the comforter around my body, I sank farther into my sofa and prayed for sleep to take over my body. Lucas had kept to his promise and turned up with an armful of brown paper bags, which contained my favorite Mexican food.

  We ate dinner in comfortable silence and I could see him watching me closely. His eyes furrowed as he watched me protectively, like I was a porcelain doll threatening to break. He pulled my legs onto his lap, breaking my attention from the commercial I was absorbed in.

  “What are you thinking about?” he questioned.

  “Tate,” I replied honestly. I sighed and rested my head back against the couch, closing my eyes tight to hold in the tears threatening to spill. I would not cry.

  “I know you aren’t going to want to hear this but let me finish.” I nodded and he continued. “Tate somehow got my cell number and has been texting me all day to find out how you are. He sent me a text at fucking five this morning to make sure you were okay. Does he not sleep? Anyway, I know you’re pissed, I know you are broken and I know you are as stubborn as fuck, but he isn’t forgetting you any time soon. He isn’t going to give up on you.”

  “Since when have you two become besties?” I snickered at him.

  “Savannah, just fucking listen to me. I’m not the biggest fan of his, and he certainly doesn’t think I deserve the air I breathe, but you were happy. He made you happy. That’s what matters. He shouldn’t have done what he did, he should have spoken to you, and I am certainly not defending him, but talk to him.”

  “I miss him,” I whispered.

  “And he misses you.” His arm wrapped around my shoulder and I huddled into him. Our friendship had taken another massive leap forward during the past two days, and right at this moment, he was what I needed. He provided a comfort that only Lucas could provide, and I was more grateful than he would ever realize. He was stopping me from doing the stupid things that were going through my mind. He was stopping me from escaping into the city in search of a comfort I didn’t need. He was stopping me from quickly disappearing into the black hole of my past. I couldn’t become that Savannah again. I wouldn’t let her reappear. I couldn’t, because I didn’t know if I’d survive her again.

  My week involved nothing more than shuffling between the couch and my bed, doing my job from home was working well for me because there was no chance that I would run into Tate. My stubbornness, however, decided to kick in and I was craving sunshin
e on my skin and human contact. It was Thanksgiving eve when I finally gave myself the slap across the face I deserved. I was sick of being stuck inside feeling sorry for myself. I had called Mr. Davenport and informed him that I would be coming back to work in the office after Thanksgiving and I could hear in his voice that he was happy about it.

  Taking the opportunity to gain some much-needed vitamin D, I left my apartment, went down to the pool and lounged on a chair with my book. Maybe a few hours with a book boyfriend would help.

  I shut my eyes tight under my sunglasses when I heard Tate’s infectious laugh. I knew he had noticed me when he abruptly stopped. Shit! I didn’t know if I was ready to see him. These were the moments when my wish for invisibility should become reality. I felt a weight press down on the lounge near my legs. I immediately curled my knees to my chest.

  “Miss Savannah, I’ve missed you.” I sighed in relief when I heard Jack’s voice. I lifted my sunglasses off my eyes and smiled at my friend. I had been hiding out in my apartment, which meant I hadn’t seen Jack or Tanzi either. I hated it.

  “I’ve missed you too, Jacky.” Leaning down, he wrapped his arms around me, holding me in a tight hug. I took my chance and looked over Jack’s shoulder and sure enough, Tate’s eyes were boring into mine. He looked tired and he had the stubble on his face that I found so incredibly sexy. I watched as the corners of his mouth moved as he gave me a small smile.

  Tanzi’s squeal ignited the pool area and I laughed as I watched my best friend run across the paved area with her hands flailing in the air.

  “Are you sure you don’t want to come with us to San Diego? Mom really wants to meet you, and I don’t want to leave you here on your own. It’s Thanksgiving,” Tanzi pouted. For the past week Tanzi had been bombarding me with text messages and emails begging me to go to San Diego with her, Jack and Tate for Thanksgiving. No matter how many times I said no, she kept at me. Today was no different. Although she knew my answer before she even asked the question, she still had a lingering hope.