Just Breathe

by Rachel Brookes

  “You didn’t sleep, did you?” he asked worry spreading across his face.

  I dropped my eyes and focused on my fingertips tracing the ripples of his chest. “I couldn’t. I was worried about you. What happened last night?”

  Tate rolled over toward me so we were face to face, our bodies pressed against each other and our eyes searching each other’s for some glimmer of reassurance. Anything. I just needed something. Tate let out a short rush of air as if mentally preparing himself for this conversation. I scooted closer to him, desperate to break any distance between us. His arm rested on my hip and his fingertips grazed the small of my back as he looked at me intently.

  “I panicked, Sav. I got scared and started to freak out. All I can see is that I am going to become my father, and the moment I think of Jellybean or I get excited about the future, I picture myself becoming him. Last night I was at work and I was thinking of how fun it’s going to be when we can go shopping and buy everything for a nursery and then boom, I panicked.” Tate suddenly broke his gaze from mine. “But then you rushed to me, Sav, you came to me and weren’t scared to find me like that. I hate that my father is creeping back into my thoughts; I hate that he’s doing this. You could have run for the hills but you didn’t.”

  “Tate, I am not going anywhere. You know that being in a relationship is hard for me. I promised myself that I would never fall in love again, that I would never allow myself to be in this situation again and that I would never give my heart to another man. But I didn’t know I’d meet someone like you. I’m always going to run to you; if you run from me I will stalk you.”

  Tate’s soft laugh broke the tension that was quickly taking over the air between us. “Oh, I’ve never had a stalker as hot as you!” Pulling me close to his body, the warmth of his chest on my skin made me tingle. He was my own personal hot water bottle and I wanted nothing more than I stay in bed with him all day. Damn work interrupting my plans. I buried my head in the crook of his neck as his hand trailed over my hip to rest on the small of my back. As we laid in silence together, it was the perfect solace.

  “Do you really have to go to work today? I could think of a lot of things we could do.”

  “I have to go and tell Mr. Davenport. It has to be today.”

  I had curled myself up in Tate’s arms as I listened to the booming thunderstorm outside his bedroom window and the rhythmic beat of his heart, two of my most favorite sounds in the world.

  “I can’t believe we are having a baby.” Tate’s deep voice cracked under his words as he pulled me closer to his body. The tough, confident, powerful man who had pulled me in now almost seemed fractured.

  “This little Jellybean is us together. I know I’m asking too much and I know I don’t deserve it, but can you give me time? I thought I had gotten over my daddy issues a long time ago, but obviously I haven’t. I need to be the perfect father to Jellybean, the perfect partner to you and I need you to see me as the person who’s going to be with you for the rest of your life,” he admitted frantically.

  I straddled him, placing my hands on his face so he would look at me. “Tate, I already do.”

  “I have to see it, Savannah. I have to believe that I’m worthy of you both. I need to believe that I deserve all this.”

  Nothing that I was going to say to him was going to make him see himself the way I did. All he saw was his father and he saw our baby as himself. He was already imagining that he was abandoning this baby and he already hated himself for it. I didn’t know what I could do.

  “Can we stay in bed together all day tomorrow?” I asked, desperate to lighten the mood. A smirk formed on his lips and I saw the Tate I loved creeping back.

  “Begging again, Savannah? It’s just sex, sex, sex with you, isn’t it?”

  “Who said anything about sex?” I laughed as I laid back in bed and pulled the covers taut under my chin.

  “What, you don’t want to have sex with me? I can leave. I am sure there is someone out there who would.”

  “You are such an arsehole.” I moved my body off his and laid beside him. Within seconds he was laying on top of me, his hands gliding up my sides tickling my skin. A soft giggle escaped from deep in my chest.

  “You call me an ass quite a lot…you could call me honey or sweetheart or babycakes, you know. Oh, but how I do love your accent when you call me an ass,” Tate teased. His hands had moved and his fingertips were tracing my lips.

  “It’s arse…you’ve got to get the arrrrr in there. Oh, and I will never call you one of those names.”

  Tate kissed me softly and rolled off my body. He pulled me closely to his body and entangled his legs with mine. His heavy eyes slowly closed as he gazed me intently and I knew that I wouldn’t be sleeping as all I wanted to do was watch him sleep. I clung to his body in a death grip for the hour I had before I needed to get organised for work. I needed to remember the feeling of being beside him. I needed to memorize the noise he made as when he slept. I needed my body to feel the warmth that only he could provide. I just needed Tate.

  “Sav, are you coming to work today?”

  My eyes shifted from Tate and landed on Tanzi standing in Tate’s doorway with a smile lingering on her lips as she looked over Tate and me.

  “Yep, I’ll be up in a minute,” I whispered. Tanzi nodded and slowly closed the door behind her.

  I twisted in Tate’s arms and drank him in while I could. His long eyelashes were touching his cheeks and his perfect pout was slightly parted, allowing me to hear the cutest little noises he was making. He looked so innocent when he slept, so far removed from the busy, laughing, crazy and charismatic guy that I knew.

  “I thought we had already discussed you gawking at me while I slept,” Tate mumbled and opened one eye to look at me suspiciously. I felt my cheeks flushing like they always did around him. I buried my face in his chest and muffled a giggle.

  “And I am pretty sure we already discussed that you are way too cute when you sleep,” I taunted and rolled onto my back, knowing that we had to leave the confines of his bedroom sooner rather than later.

  Moving his arms behind his head to stretch, Tate looked down at me with a mischievous look spreading over his face. “I really hope Jellybean doesn’t snore like its mother,” he teased.

  “I do not snore!” I huffed and rolled across the bed and away from him in protest.

  “I might just have to record you tonight so I can listen to your snoring while you are in New York, it will feel like you’re here with me,” Tate chuckled, clearly quite amused at himself.

  “I’ve got it! My nickname can be Asshole and yours can be Snorey.”

  “Tate Connors, I am going to slap you!” I warned as the corners of my lips turned into the beginnings of a smile.

  “Oh, and now she wants to get rough. I knew there was a reason I kept you around.” Tate winked at me and I couldn’t help but laugh.

  ***

  “Can I talk to you for a second?” I was nervous, my hands were shaking and the excitement of my news had floated out of my body the moment I knew I had to break the news to Mr. Davenport. I wasn’t sure how he was going to take this. I was only twenty-two and here I was about to tell him that I was pregnant. I was sure this wasn’t in his grand scheme of how my life in Los Angeles would turn out.

  Mr. Davenport closed his laptop and sat back in his oversized office chair and greeted me with a smile. “Of course.”

  I took a seat opposite him, panicking and trying desperately to gain confidence. I started to fiddle with my hands, clutching at the photo I was about to show him. My eyes glanced down into my lap and I felt my heart swell momentarily at the fuzzy black and white photo.

  “You know I love you, you are my family and I would never want to do anything that would disappoint you.”

  “What have you done Savannah?” he groaned and ran his hand through his blond hair. His grey eyes narrowed as he awaited the confession he was sure I was about to admit.

  “I need
to show you.” I stood with shaky legs and walked around the large desk and handed him the photo. My breathing faulted as panic soared through me.

  Silence.

  “Sav, what the hell is this meant to be? Shit, you really are a bad photographer.” He said as he twisted and turned the photo in his hand trying to work out what it was of.

  “Look closer,” I whispered, my voice shaking as I took a nervous step toward him.

  “I don’t get it.” His eyes were puzzled as he looked between the photo in his hand and me.

  “It’s an ultrasound photo. I’m pregnant.”

  Mr. Davenport’s eyes shot to mine as confusion swept through. His head dropped and he stared at the photo in his hands. For the first time in my life, I watched as his hands shook.

  “Come with me.” Mr. Davenport stood abruptly from his chair and walked out of his office without a glance in my direction. Brilliant, he was pissed. I followed him in silence. I didn’t bother to look at my colleagues as we walked through the office space and I had to take two steps to his one to keep up. I’m sure they all thought we were going for a quickie; my so-called sordid affair with him was now common knowledge.

  We walked out of the building and the sunshine hit my face with force. It was only eleven a.m. Was he going to scold me in public? I just wanted it over and done with. Mr. Davenport was walking with a confident stride; his face was hiding what he was feeling and his lips were tight. He was the hardest book to read.

  I climbed into the cab beside him and sat in silence. Where was he taking me? He never looked at me for the entire trip through L.A. I was nervous as hell. I was wringing my hands in my lap. The thought of him being disappointed in me crushed me. I couldn’t disappoint him.

  The cab pulled to the curb and I swallowed hard. We were at Red Velvet. I shot a look at Mr. Davenport with fear swarming in my eyes. This wasn’t going to end well. Without saying a word, he opened the door and slid out. My door swung open and I nervously got out and followed him through the double doors.

  The sound of my heels clicking on the wooden floorboards got Tate’s attention as he worked behind the bar. His eyes rose and flashed between Mr. Davenport and me as we walked toward him.

  “Tate. I need to speak with you.” Mr. Davenport’s voice boomed through the empty space of the bar.

  I told him, I mouthed toward Tate, who nodded in acknowledgement.

  “This girl is my world, Tate. She is the daughter that I never got to have. She is my family and I will not let you fuck this up, so this is me warning you. You hurt her and you have me to deal with. I like you, Tate. I think you are a great guy for my girl, but she comes first.”

  Tate walked toward me and wrapped his arm protectively around my waist, pulling me close to his body. “I love her, Simon. I’m not doing anything to hurt her. I promise you,” Tate stated. He didn’t break his gaze from Mr. Davenport. His voice was strong but as I felt his hand linger on the small of my back and brush the skin above the waist of my pants, I knew he was softening.

  “And how do you feel about being a father?”

  “If you want honesty, I’ll give it to you. I wanted to run, I wanted to hide and I didn’t want to believe it. I don’t have a relationship with my father and that has screwed me up. But I want this child. I want Savannah in my life and both of them come first. That I can promise you.”

  Mr. Davenport stood in silence, his eyes swimming from me to Tate. I couldn’t remember the last time I took a breath. My nerves were running rampant and the next words out of his mouth would affect me for the rest of my life.

  “Savannah, I need to speak to you.”

  I nodded and followed him to a corner lounge on the far side of the bar. I could feel Tate’s eyes watching us and it comforted me.

  “Sav, I should tell you this more often. I love you like you were my own. I know I’m not your dad, and I could never be the man he was.” His voice cracked under his words. “I am proud of everything that you are. You are twenty-two and look what you’ve achieved. You are sweet, caring, funny and frustrating as hell, but to me you are and will always be the closest thing I have to a daughter. You are my family.”

  “But look at who I am, who I was. I hurt you. I disappointed you more times than I like to remember. You have every reason to throw me to the curb.”

  “I would never. You deserve happiness, my girl, and if Tate gives you that, then I will always support your relationship however if he hurts you then I will rip off his balls and force feed them to him. It’s just you and me in this crazy world. I can’t believe you are having a baby.” He shook his head as a bright smile swept across his face.

  “So this doesn’t disappoint you?”

  “Sav, I have never seen you this happy. I am super happy for you. Shocked but happy. You are going to be an awesome mum and I’m going to be a damn sexy poppa.” He winked at me and I was soon clutching my stomach as the laughter boomed from deep within me. “Have the rest of the day off. Spend it with Tate.”

  He stood from the chair and walked across the bar toward Tate. The threatening glare that Mr. Davenport had when he walked in had now disappeared into a proud smile as he shook Tate’s hand before walking to the door and giving me a wink on the way.

  “Are you okay?”

  I looked up at the sound of Tate’s voice and found his worried eyes. His hands grabbed mine and pulled me to my feet as I smiled at him reassuringly.

  Tate put his hands on either side of my face and pulled my gaze to him. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

  “I am now.” I leaned in and placed an innocent kiss on his lips. We could do this.

  The living room was full of chatter as Tate and I walked in holding hands. Lucas, Ali, Jack and Tanzi were sitting on the living room floor, talking and having drinks. I watched in amusement as Tanzi threw an empty can at Jack for something he had said and I smiled at the sight of Ali sitting on Lucas’ lap. I mentally gave myself a high five for setting them up.

  “Oh my god!! You guys.” Ali was the first to see us and she quickly crawled off Lucas’ lap and bounded across the living room to wrap her arms around Tate and my neck, pulling us in for a tight hug.

  “Do you know what you’re having? How many weeks? Have you thought of names? Will I be the baby’s aunt? This is too exciting. Am I talking too fast? Lucas, am I talking to fast?” Ali babbled. Lucas grabbed Ali’s hand and pulled her toward him all the while she was still prattling on about taking the baby shopping. Lucas looked at both Tate and me and smiled brightly.

  “I am super stoked for both of you. Congrats.” Lucas directed it at Tate and shook his hand firmly. I looked between two of the most important men in my life and let out a content sigh.

  “Thanks, man,” Tate replied with a genuine smile and I squeezed his hand in reassurance.

  The night was full of too much pizza, wine for those who could drink and Tanzi and Ali chattering about all things babies. Their excitement was intoxicating and I could feel Tate warming by the second. I hadn’t seen his face drop once tonight and he was joining in on the conversation about the baby and was even talking about taking the baby surfing in the summer. I felt relieved. Lucas had been watching Tate closely, looking like he was analyzing every word Tate said. I gained Lucas’ attention and nodded in the direction of the kitchen.

  “What’s going through that handsome head of yours, Lucas?” I asked quietly so no one else would hear.

  “How’s Tate taking this?” Boy, he didn’t hold back.

  I pulled out a chair at the dining table and took a seat, motioning for Lucas to join me. I thought about the first night we met, when we were sitting in the exact same chairs.

  “He’s scared. There is a lot of stuff in his past that this has brought up. We’ve talked about everything and we are going to do this. It will be okay. It has got to be okay, Lucas.” I dropped my head in my hands and took a deep breath. I couldn’t get upset. I didn’t want people asking questions. I had to stay strong; I had to stay posi
tive for Tate.

  “If he hurts you, I swear to fucking god I will hunt him down.”

  “He won’t,” I softly spoke.

  “I’m just putting it out there.” Lucas wrapped his arm around me and engulfed me with one of his famous Lucas hugs. “I am pretty excited to become Uncle Lucas.”

  “This baby is going to be the luckiest kid ever.” It still tripped me out that I was pregnant, but the more I said it, the more I believed it. It was true, this baby was going to have the best family, and the love that would be surrounding the baby would be overwhelming. I knew I was going to be a sobbing mess. I was choking up at the thought of Jack and Lucas being uncles. Oh dear god.

  The night was perfect. It was just what I needed. I finally had a family. I finally had a group of people who loved me for all of my baggage and my craziness and provided me with love that I had so desperately been missing over the years. And they were mine. They were mine. They were the ones who made me feel alive, but more importantly they were the ones who allowed me to breathe again.

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  The dreaded morning arrived. I felt like chucking a tantrum and refusing to get on the plane, I felt like faking a case of food poisoning to give me more time with Tate, I felt like jumping in Tate’s jeep and running away from him but I knew I’d be in New York City before nightfall. With my eyes tightly closed, I heard birds chirping outside the window and the sun was shining through the thick blinds, forcing its way through my closed eyes. There was nothing happy about this morning and I didn’t want to open my eyes and face reality. Maybe if I ignored my grumbling tummy and the urge to go to the bathroom, I wouldn’t have to get up.

  Tate had other ideas though.

  I gasped as he ran his fingertips slowly up and down the length of my body before his hands rested on my stomach “I still can’t believe there is a little person in there.” A pleased smile pulled up each corner of my mouth at the sound of Tate talking about our baby. I needed to hear him talking about Jellybean. “And I can’t believe that I’m not going to see this body while you are gone.”