by Kahlen Aymes
"You never seemed upset by it... I... I just thought that we'd be hounded even more than we already were, and...” I stopped and looked at the floor, my eyes filling with tears. "That beautiful night... you were... mad at me?"
I could understand why he was so hurt. He felt like he was admitting every feeling he had for me, over and over, and all I did was deny, deny, deny. My heart ached in my chest, I couldn't breathe.
He sighed. "No, not later. I was leaving you and I didn't want to think about it then, but it has all built up. What about today in that damn interview? I was pouring my fucking heart out like a lovesick idiot, and you and Jennifer were playing around like little girls. I was talking about how my feelings for you were what I base Ryan's emotions on, feelings I've had since the bloody audition! I was bloody talking to you, Brook! Telling you how much I love you, and you weren't even fucking listening!"
I started at the tone in his voice. I couldn't remember ever seeing him this upset and angry except when it had been about David.
His face was flushed and his eyes were glassy. I knew he was holding back tears by the way his fists clenched and his breath came in short bursts. "Brook, I'm sorry, but if things don't change, I just can't do this anymore. I'll have to distance from this," he said painfully. "It will kill me, but I can't keep looking like an idiot if you don't feel enough for me to be honest about it." His tone was defeated and I was sure that my heart stopped beating in my chest. I couldn't breathe.
Did he just say he was leaving me?
I willed my feet to walk and I moved to sit next to him on the edge of the bed. I tried to put my arms around him, but he flinched away from me. I felt the sobs well in my chest as my hand hovered in the air he'd just vacated. He'd never refused to touch me before. Even in Tokyo, he'd held me and kissed me despite everything. I realized now, how serious this was to him and I was scared. I needed to make him understand.
"I'm so sorry. I understand why you're mad, but...” My voice broke on the words and I had to stop for a moment. "But, I love you more than anything in the world. I thought you knew that. Haven't I done enough to make you sure of me?" The sobs broke from my chest and I huddled over my knees, my head in my hands as I cried. “Why do you want me to risk my career?”
He sighed but didn't say anything... and didn't touch me.
I raised my teary eyes to his and I tried to wipe the wetness from my cheeks with both of my hands; the emotions building; my desperation to make him understand overwhelming me.
"What do you think? That this hasn't been hard on me too? This whole thing has been hell for me, too, Cade! All the tabloids hooking you up with Wendy and now Davina! Over and over again, I had to deal with that fucked up bullshit! The paparazzi stalk me everywhere I go, constantly asking me, to my face, what I thought about you and your new co-star... and at other times hammering me about the relationship between us! They even asked me if we fucked!" I threw my hands in the air and then through my hair. "If we fucked, Cade! All the while I had to keep any emotion from showing on my face, when I was dying inside! I sat back and ate all of the jealousy and insecurity I felt whenever I heard you'd gone to dinner with Davina, or you were seen getting close off set, that she was hanging out in your trailer between scenes... and all of those fucking pictures of the two of you kissing! You know why? Because I told myself that we were solid! That it meant nothing to you, that you loved me, and it was only about the stupid film! And then, when you got hurt and I couldn't get to you, I thought I'd go out of my mind."
Cade didn’t move, but his nostrils flared. “The kissing thing was from set. We were acting!”
I nodded. “I know, but it still hurt.” I wiped at my tears again but they were endlessly raining from my eyes. "I was only doing my job today... just like you were, Cade! It has nothing to do with our relationship. I was just hugging Noah, and you don't know deep down, based on all we've shared, that I love you more than I can even deal with?" I cried.
"It's not about Noah and hugging him. It's about me pouring my bloody heart out, and you continually denying any feelings. It's fucked up, and I'm done with it!" he shouted back.
I felt myself crumbling and my voice lowered, cracking. I could barely form the words around the aching in my throat.
"I wish it was enough to know how much I love you. God, why isn't it enough? Don't you know yet, how you consume my... Entire. Fucking. Life?" I was almost screaming at him in my anguish.
He finally turned his pained features to look at me, and reached out to me, but this time it was my turn to withdraw from him. I got off of the bed and went to stand across the room with my back to him as my shoulders started to shake in silent sobs.
"And here we are, fi-finally together after over two months, and you want to fight with me?" My voice broke as I turned to face him. "I don't want to fight. All I want to do is hold on to you and never let go," I said softly, almost a whisper.
I covered my face in my hands after I said the words, my heart literally breaking in a million pieces and the next thing I knew, Cade's arms were around me and he was kissing my temple. My arms went around his waist and he crushed me to his chest as I continued to cry my heart out.
"Oh, Brook. I'm so sorry. I'm such a selfish bastard. I didn't consider all that you've had to deal with... you're always so strong. All I could see was how much I was hurting. I'm sorry, my love. So sorry."
Both of his hands moved to the sides of my face as his thumbs wiped the tears from my cheeks and he tilted my face up to his.
"I'm sorry too. I n-never meant to hurt you. It's like ripping my own heart out," I said brokenly. "I don't want to do this anymore."
He pulled back to look into my face, a worried expression flooding his features. "What?"
I saw the panic in his eyes and rushed to explain. "I don't want to do this anymore. You're right. We have to be able to show how we feel. I understand why you need this."
He closed his eyes and he sighed in relief.
He kissed my eyes, nose, and cheeks before moving to my mouth in a soul-wrenching kiss. All of the anger, pain and jealousy we felt, every emotion we'd had to bottle up over the past months manifesting in the urgency in our kiss and the way our arms wrapped around each other. Over and over he kissed me, and I wanted more.
Before I knew it, our clothes were scattered across the room and we were lying on the bed. Our bodies were joined in the same desperate urgency of our kisses. We forgot meeting the others for dinner, forgot the movie showings that Pinnacle wanted us to attend as part of the convention... we lost ourselves in each other. The overwhelming feelings of love and the months of pent up longing we had for each other, our only focus.
As our bodies moved and sweated together, we were sating not only our maddening desire for each other but also the utter desolation we had both suffered at our separation. The physical separation as we filmed on opposite sides of the country and the forced lie to keep our real relationship at bay for so long had taken a huge toll on both of us.
We gave to and took from each other until our bodies were sated and our hearts were healed. When it was over, we were both clinging to each other, looking in each other's eyes, running soft caresses over each other's exposed bodies. Cade brushed my hair off of my face and whispered that he loved me over and over as he placed soft kisses on my mouth.
"Don't you know how much I love you, Cade? My heart breaks when you doubt me." I still had tears spilling from my eyes as I looked at him.
His arms gathered me close and he buried his face in the side of my neck. His hot breath washed over my skin as he exhaled and then placed an open mouth kiss on the sensitive skin below my ear.
"My heart knows it, Brook. But it's been impossible for me to pretend that I don't love you and it completely devastates me that it seems like it’s getting much easier for you. I want to take your hand and go out to dinner, to go to a ball game, to just be bloody normal. I'm afraid all of the rumors floating around will rip us apart. We have to get our heads around
this before it gets out of hand. We know all of the headlines are rubbish and it still hurts us. These last weeks were unbearable."
I knew he was right, but somehow it all seemed less invasive and hurtful as long as he was by my side. I took a deep breath and let it out in a shudder. My hand stroked the hair at the back of his head as he held me tight. “Besides what Jeanne and Denise are doing to feed the press little bits of the truth, I think we need to do something drastic. Once we get back on set.”
“What? Do you mean without the managers?”
“Yes. Okay?”
I wondered what he was thinking, but at the moment the details didn’t seem to matter. I was just happy we’d made up. “Okay.” I turned my head toward him to place several soft kisses along the strong plane of his jaw, the stubble longer now and soft against my lips. "I can't breathe when you're mad at me.”
Cade sighed deeply. "I can never breathe when it comes to you. When I'm with you, you take my breath away. And when I'm without you, I'm suffocating."
His velvet voice saying those perfect words had me holding him tighter and fighting the tears again.
"Please don't go back to New York. Come home with me to L.A."
"You mean sneak back?" he asked quietly.
"We need to figure this out and we can talk about it over the weekend. Besides, I'm not ready to let go of you yet." I said against the skin of his chest as I lay next to him. His strong arms tightened around me and his lips brushed against my forehead. "I have my car, so I'll have to drive it back. Can you call Peter and have him drive down here to pick you up?"
"It would be faster just to hire a car from here. I'd like to spend the drive with you. I don't want to waste those hours alone in a bloody car. I still have to be back to New York, soon."
I thought about it for a second or two and bit my lip as I tried to figure out a way to get my car back up to L.A. without anyone being the wiser. My hands fluttered along his forearm as we lay quietly together.
"Maybe we could ask Noah to drive my car back up?"
"Do you think he would?" Cade asked hopefully, and hugged me closer, kissing my cheek. When he lowered his lips to mine, I pressed my mouth more fully to his for a brief, but deep kiss.
"I do. He's become a good friend."
I reluctantly untangled myself from Cade's limbs and walked to get my phone so I could dial Noah's number. I told him that Cade and I weren't going to attend the screenings like we were supposed to. We'd make an appearance at them and then sneak out when the lights went down. I'd slip Noah my extra key and a note about where I'd be leaving my beat up old Honda. He readily agreed. Cade dressed in a hurry and went into the bathroom to call Denise and ask her to send a car.
"I thought Cade was leaving?" Noah had asked on the phone.
"Change of plans. Change of, well… a lot of things now, Noah," I said softly as a sudden calm settled over me.
"Okay. That's good, Brook. I'm... well, I'm happy for you guys."
"Thank you, Noah. I really mean it," I said sincerely.
I LEFT MY CAR parked and let Noah know where to find it and was soon diving into the back of Cade's limousine and his waiting arms. He pulled me across his lap and his mouth found mine hungrily. I'd never get enough of him, for as long as I lived. I knew it, and I'd accepted it as something beyond my control. It was a scary prospect to a degree, giving that much of your heart and life to another person, but I realized as I melted into him, that it was a battle I'd lost eighteen months earlier and nothing would ever change it.
Shit, it was a battle I'd lost before I was even born.
"Do you think anyone saw you, love?" he breathed into my open mouth.
"It doesn't matter. I don't care anymore, Cade." My hand held his face gently, stroking his chin and I pulled back to look into his eyes, my fingers pushing his hair off of his forehead. "What do you need now?" I searched the clear blue eyes that looked into mine and then dropped to my mouth. He was sexy and I loved him; which made me want to rip his clothes off. His mouth dipped and his tongue laving mine as I answered his need with my own.
"Mmmm... to make love to you," was all he said, several minutes later after his mouth finally lifted off of mine. I chuckled softly in response.
"No, I didn't mean that."
He drew in his breath and pulled back to look at me seriously, brushing my hair behind my ear on the left side of my face, and then lifting my chin with his index finger. His brow crinkled slightly and the vein running up the center of his forehead pulsed. "Um, I just want to be with you and to love you openly. The whole world knows anyway and I just want to be honest," he said seriously. “What do you want to do?"
I swallowed and looked down at my lap. His hand closed around my fingers and he lifted it to his mouth, his lips ghosting over my knuckles. Even the softest touch of his lips could send shivers through me and I trembled. He smiled softly against my skin as he felt my reaction.
"I don't want you to be hurt. I never wanted that." The words throbbed across my voice. "I want to make you happy so I think you should tell me about the thing you want to do once we get back on set. I just hope we can keep the intimate details about our relationship to ourselves. Some part of it needs to be just ours. You belong to the world already, so I need to have some part of you that’s only mine." I raised my eyes up again to find him smiling, his hand still in my hair, stroking and threading through the strands.
"It's beautiful that you would speak my thoughts. Of course, I understand but you should know you have all of me. This is ours." I nodded and leaned my forehead on his shoulder before he continued. "The producers don’t have as much leverage for this series since we’re on the last movie. I’m defying them by driving up to L.A. to be with you.”
“Two weeks until you’re finished with Only Us?”
“Yes, but I'll come back next weekend too, Brook. I'm done letting them run us and keeping us apart."
I smiled up at him and then snuggled into the curve of his neck and against his chest. His arms tightened around me and my breath left in a whoosh. "Hmmph! I know you want us to be photographed, but we're supposed to keep it under wraps until Don’t Forget to Remember Me is in theaters, and that’s still four months away.”
“I know. But if something should just happen to slip through the cracks... well, that's no one's fault, right?" Cade smiled brightly, his eyes dancing.
“Like what?”
“Maybe if we can't exactly say we're together, we can let a few pictures speak for us. We’ll arrange a photo shoot with just us; that doesn't involve the films or the studio.”
I liked Cade’s plan. If we could pick and choose carefully and let just the right amount of information out, little by little and under our control, not Pinnacle's, that would be ideal.
"We don’t have to confirm it for sure, but I want to just stop denying it,” he said softly. I’d been the one saying we were friends, never Cade, and I understood what he needed. Enough time had passed since David was out of the picture, too, so that was no longer a concern.
My heart swelled and I realized that I wanted the same thing and finally, I was more than willing. The pain in his face at the hotel earlier was something I never wanted to see again.
I moved over his lap until I was straddling his hips and he smiled up at me while I wound my fingers in his hair. "Me, too." I nodded.
The lopsided grin that I loved lit up his beautiful face and his eyes widened. "Yeah? Bloody hell... really?" he asked incredulously.
I nodded slightly and bent my lips to his. "Yes," I whispered against his lips. "I won’t deny it again. I promise, Cade. I love you so much and I never meant to hurt you. You're the last person in the world I want to hurt. It's like hurting myself."
He groaned and cupped my face as he kissed me over and over. It wasn't long before Cade's hands were roaming my body and ripping at my clothes as he lowered me onto the seat beneath him and we started making out in a mad rush.
"Brook... I love you. You're the most
precious thing to me. I always want to take care of you, keep you safe and make you happy. I can't bloody wait until we're married."
His words made my pulse race and my heart swell as our bodies surged towards one another. We devoured each other, body and soul, like it was our last night on earth. Both of us desperate and hungry as we kissed again and again, kissing frantically, clinging to each other. His mouth followed every inch of skin that he uncovered as he undressed me and yet it wasn't enough. I wanted more and I could feel his need consume him as his breathing increased and he pressed his hardness into my soft heat.
When we were both panting and naked, he stopped, running his talented fingers down my body and into the wetness between my legs and I moaned against his mouth. "Uhhh... Cade," I panted as my hands closed around his shaft, moving on him, urging him to take me, even as his fingers moved in soft circles and small thrusts on and into my body, brought me to the edge of ecstasy.
"Brook. Baby... tell me what I need to hear. You know what it is, love. Tell me and I'll give you everything you need. "
My mind raced with a hundred things he could want me to say and I longed to tell him each and every one of them. I gasped and my fingers pulled his hair, dragging his mouth toward mine and I licked his top lip lightly and then pulled his lower one into my mouth to nip and suck on it. "It's only you... forever. You're the only one, the only one that will ever touch me like this for the rest of my life...”
His mouth crushed into my lips, parting them and plundering with his tongue and his fingers teased the tender peak of one of my breasts until it ached and caused a new surge of wetness and throbbing between my legs. My mouth opened to his, sobbing my need into him. I couldn't get close enough, sucking on his tongue like he was sucking on mine, moving against him and showing him how much I needed him.