“Death is the worst thing those who stay alive can experience,” he said. I was too sad to say anything but the words he had said stayed in my mind. I repeated them to myself over and over until I finally understood them.
Ernest’s grave had been placed on a corner of Amber’s backyard a spot where he would have shade in the afternoon and shiny sunlight in the morning. It took me some time to realize Amber wasn’t crying in fact she was the one who was consoling me. Deep inside I hope she was okay, I saw Grace and Mr. Sanders carrying Ernest out, they placed on a white blanket and covered him. Mrs. Sanders placed some of Ernest favorite treats and Mr. Sanders began filling the grave. I didn’t dare look at Amber, not the way I was, I couldn’t stop crying. When Ernest’s was full Amber asked me to leave. It was unexpected she asked her mom and dad to go inside. I did as she wished and asked Mrs. Sanders to call me if something happened.
It was a long walk back home; I couldn’t believe life at this point. It was a big blur. I wanted to make Amber happy, I wanted to make her forget all the crap that was going but more importantly I wanted her to make feel the same.
I hid in my room and locked the door and tried to sleep it off. I slept for a while until the sound of my phone woke me up.
“Hello,” I answered.
“Noah, it’s Amber, we’re in the hospital,” said Mrs. Sanders. I hung up the phone and asked dad to drive me. Dad was supportive when it came to Amber and he said he’d pick me up at the time I needed to. Grace explained why Amber was here and Mrs. Sanders chewed her nails as all four us waited. It was a long wait until a doctor pulled Mr. and Mrs. Sanders into a different room and explained to them that Amber needed surgery. I wanted to stay until the surgery was over but Mr. Sanders reminded not even they would be able to see Amber until tomorrow morning. I called dad to let him know Mr. Sanders was getting me home. I had trouble sleeping that night and that caused me to be late the next morning. I called Mrs. Sanders several times but I got no response. It was until that same afternoon that Mrs. Sanders finally picked up and she explained how and why the surgery had taken place. I was glad Amber wouldn’t suffer from those severe stomach aches. I didn’t get to talk to Amber until she was back home. She explained all what Dr. Nahal had explained to her, I asked lots of questions to make sure the stomach aches wouldn’t come back. I spent most of my free time with Amber trying to cheer her up every time she remembered Ernest. It was a hard first few weeks but she eventually understood he was gone.
***
Seventh and grade were super easy for me, it was getting boring to know all the answers teachers would ask. Some even kept me from participating in class letting me know I had to give everyone else a chance. I accompanied Amber to her check-ups where Dr. Nahal told her the same things over and over again. He was a nice doctor but he wouldn’t allow me or anyone to be around when he talked to her.
A lot went on in High School, it was what some call it a jungle. On my last year of middle school I had built a prototype of an electric motor that could carry up to three pounds of weight and I had won the Science Fair State Championship all by myself so teachers were expecting great things from me on my freshmen year. To their surprise I was over Science Fairs and decided to run for school president, but had come in last with only a couple of votes; Amber’s being one of them.
At the start of sophomore year I decided that if I wanted to be president I would have to start being ‘cool’ again or otherwise I would end up in last place, again. I didn’t sign up for the science fair or any other academic activity, instead I tried out for all the teams possible trying to make varsity at least in one.
“Go back to the books,” said Mr. Fling the basketball coach.
“We really need a good chess player,” said Mr. Timer the soccer coach. I gave up the tryouts and focused only on being popular. Since that was the only thing the last school president had, a bunch of followers who liked the way he dressed and the actions he did for others. He wasn’t smart or handsome, if he could be president, I could too.
Before we turned sixteenth Amber and I had a brilliant idea to cook the dinner for out birthday it would be a little thank you for Mr. and Mrs. Sanders and small gift from us to us. Grace and Nick had dinner with us that day, to my surprise my brother Nick still hadn’t asked Grace to be his girlfriend but he had told me it would be soon. The dinner went great and it felt good to be sixteen. I didn’t feel sixteen though, most of the guys at school talked about dating as many girls as they could before they graduated, but not me. I had been in love with the same girl ever since I was eleven. I had gotten more than use to the fact that Amber saw me only as her best friend, besides rumors in school said she had a big crush on Levi Goldberg. It was the way she looked at him some girls said. “Who doesn’t have a crush on Levi,” said Isabella when I asked her for her opinion. I wanted Amber to like me as much as I liked her.
Dad had warned me about things changing in my body and I was beginning to notice. Every time I was close to her a desire of kissing her filled me, it was something I couldn’t control. I wanted to kiss Amber, I wanted to kiss her so bad but I knew she might freak out.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Amber: December 22nd was the day Dr. Nahal gave me the news. Three days before Christmas was the day I found out I had terminal cancer. December 22nd was the day Dr. Nahal explained I only had seven months left of life. It hit me hard, but showed no emotion what so ever and Dr. Nahal noticed it. He kept talking and explaining more things but I wasn’t listening anymore. My mind was busy thinking of all the things I wouldn’t be able to do. I pinched myself trying to wake up from this nightmare. I closed my eyes wishing to wake up in bed but instead I heard Dr. Nahal repeat what he had just explained. My heart started beating faster and an image of me going to college appeared in my mind, I wouldn’t be able to attend college, nor have kids or have a husband. It scared me, the more I thought about the more it frightened me. I didn’t know what to do or what to say, I thought about my family and how Grace cried over Ernest and eventually my tears burst out. It didn’t matter if I died today or seven months ahead. I had no time to do anything, whatever I did or say wouldn’t help. It took me some minutes to come down, Dr. Nahal left me alone for a few minutes and then came back to talk to me. It was then that I realized what a good person Dr. Nahal was. He wasn’t wearing his doctor coat, he wore regular clothes and looked like a complete different person.
“You’re so strong, that’s why I chose to tell you first,” he said sitting next to my bed.
“I’m off to tell your parents, but I’d like you to tell them,” he added.
“You have to be strong Amber, so strong for yourself and for everyone around you.”
“Go out there and make these months the best ones,” he said holding my hand. I stepped down from the chair and felt my feet shake. Mom and dad sat in the lobby waiting for me just like they had times before. I saw mom smile and it broke my heart to think about what she was about to hear. I didn’t want to tell her. I looked around looking for an exit, wanting to escape and never come back. I felt a warm hand in my back and heard his voice.
“I have to tell them,” said Dr. Nahal.
***
I don’t know what Dr. Nahal told mom and dad but whatever he did it didn’t seem they knew what was happening to me, Grace got the news a few days later when she was a bit calmer from Ernest. It was devastating so see all those who cared for me suffer in silence. I knew mom and dad had the worst part I heard them both cry a month later when I went to the restroom late at night. Mom sobbed while dad tried telling her everything would be okay. It took me an entire month to tell Noah. He didn’t take it well. He was a cry baby when it came to sad news. He didn’t believe me at first and begged me for it to be a joke. He hugged me and rested his head on my shoulders; it killed me to see him react this way. The least I needed was for my best friend to be sad over me. Luckily after a few days he toughened up and encouraged me to make a bucket list.
�
��Ten things you want to do in these months, and I’ll do anything in my power to help you achieve them,” he said holding his tears. I didn’t agree at first but ended up doing so when he said he’d make one of his own. It took me a good week to think about the things I wanted to do. It was hard to think just of ten.
“I still don’t know,” I said when Noah asked for the tenth time.
“Your first kiss should definitely be included,” he said.
“I want to photograph the Rockies,” I said. “That’s something that I want to do,” I added. Noah pulled out a second piece of paper and wrote:
- Visit the Rockies with Amber
Noah wrote number nine and ten on his list but wouldn’t let me see.
“Top secret,” he said winking.
“I guess go to the school dance could be a second one,” I said.
“But you hate dancing.”
“I just want to live that experience,” I said. We talked about my bucket list and filled and erased the list several times until it was finally done.
Amber’s Bucket List
Photograph the Rockies
First Kiss
Dance at the school’s dance
Make mom and dad proud
Skydive
Go fishing
Forgive Skylar
Adopt a puppy
?
Noah insisted more than once for me to tell him what number ten was but I couldn’t. I wanted to do something special for him so he’d remember me when I was gone but I wanted it to be a surprise.
He didn’t wait more than a week before he tried to help me complete one of the things on my list. His dad loved fishing so he started with number six. Sunday was the perfect day to go fishing so Noah’s dad got everything ready.
Nick and Grace were also invited and they wanted to be the first two catch something as much as I did. Mr. Paxton showed me how to throw the fishing rod and within minutes I felt something pull.
“I think I’ve got something!” I shouted. Mr. Paxton dropped his beer and hurried my way.
“Pull! Pull hard!” he screamed. Noah came running grabbed my camera and shot a photo of me while I pulled. It was a big fish according to Mr. Paxton and I felt great. Noah was very competitive and he spent the entire afternoon trying to catch something bigger. I caught a total of six fish and Mr. Paxton awarded me with the ‘Fisher of the Day’ badge that he carried in his car. Number six was done and Noah was already thinking on how to complete a different one.
Mom and dad had a hard time keeping eye contact with me specially mom. Every time she did she’d smile and start doing something else.
“Number eight, now,” said Noah on February 14th.
“It’ll be your valentine’s gift,” he said. Noah covered my eyes with his sweater and wouldn’t let me peak until we got there. Nick drove us out of town to a small village where a couple in their late eighties was giving away free puppies.
“There’s too many of them we can’t keep them all,” said the wrinkly man. His wife couldn’t stop looking at my bald head. I remembered the days when that would bother me, but not anymore. I had bigger things to worry about and surely the old lady was just curious on why I was bald.
“I’m a cancer survivor myself,” she said in a very low voice.
“Something tells you can survive too,” she added. If only she knew what Dr. Nahal had said, I thought.
“Which one of these puppies will be the one to go home with this young couple?” asked the old man. Noah looked at me and giggled.
“We’re just friends,” he answered the old man smiling. All the puppies looked friendly but one of them wouldn’t leave Noah’s side. Noah was looking around trying to find the cutest puppy but I had already made my decision.
“That one,” I said pointing at the pup trying to grab on to Noah’s leg. Noah picked up the pup for the first time and brought it close to his face. The pup tried biting on Noah’s nose and refused to come down from his arms.
“You chose the only female,” said the old man. Noah carried the pup out of the cardboard box and into the car.
“I want you to keep her,” I said. Noah and the pup looked at each other as if they’d known each other for a long time.
“She can be ours,” said Noah.
“Sure, but you’ll keep her,” I said. “You know, when I’m gone,” I said in a low voice so neither Nick nor Noah could hear me.
After a week the small golden retriever pup still had no name and both Noah and I agreed to name her once we had the perfect one for her.
***
At the beginning of March, Noah got his first job at an ice-cream shop. He served vanilla and chocolate cones all day and sometimes worked extra hours to try and save money to take me skydiving. I often visited him at work but learned it only made him nervous, and not focus on what he should be doing so I stopped doing it. Noah would often bring me ice-cream cones and waffles. It wasn’t hard to appreciate all he did for me and after two weeks of seeing how hard to work I tried getting a job myself.
“No way,” were dad’s words when I asked for his permission.
“You’re too young to work,” he said.
“But I want to help Noah,” I said.
“Help him on what?”
“Complete my list,” I said, handing him the paper. Dad analyzed it for a few seconds and then handed it back to me.
“I’ll think about it,” he said.
The days went on and Noah seemed more tired each day, I was dying and everyone around me was doing their best to keep me happy. I hadn’t realized deep inside they were trying to stay busy for me not to see them suffer. Getting used to the idea of dying was horrible, I felt so alive that it was hard for me to believe my diagnosis. After hours of writing in my diary I came to the conclusion that Dr. Nahal was right. I had to enjoy the rest of my life, I couldn’t waste any time. Not one day. Not one minute, I had to live and not only survive.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Noah: The desire of kissing Amber didn’t go away. I was building the same crush I had on her when we were kids. But all that would have to wait because on January 23rd my world turned upside down. Amber had been different since her last check up with Dr. Nahal and her family had been acting funny as well. I hadn’t received an invitation for dinner from Mrs. Sanders since December.
“I have to talk to you,” said Amber on a wiping voice on January 22nd. I didn’t know what to expect but I surely never imagined what she had to tell me.
“…terminal cancer,” she said ending her statement. I couldn’t believe what she said. It was the scariest part of my life, I knew what the world terminal meant in the world of cancer, but I was too afraid to ask her how long. Then as is she had read my mind she said it.
“Six or seven months,” she said. My body filled with terror and I felt sick. I couldn’t say anything back and stretched my arms for her to hug me. I squeezed my hands to her back and closed my eyes wishing this was unreal. I didn’t want her to let go.
The first few days were the hardest for me, I avoided Amber as much as I could, I didn’t want to see her the way I was. It made me feel vulnerable and unhappy to know she was going through. After a few days I finally told mom and dad who took it the same way I did, I saw mom cry for the first time in a long time and she encouraged me to try and make Amber as happy as she could be these last few months. Dad was the one who gave me the idea of the bucket list. I was unfamiliar with the term and asked him to tell me all about.
“A list of the things she wants to do in these last months,” he explained.
“They could be things she’s done before or things she’s never done before,” he added. I thanked dad for the great idea and headed to Amber’s to tell her about the list.
Ten things you want to do in these months, and I’ll do anything in my power to help you achieve them,” I said. Amber didn’t agree and at the end she ended up doing so if I promised I would do the same. I gave her some time to think of the thin
gs she wanted to do but it took her more than a week to finally come up with some.
“I still don’t know,” she said when I asked her.
“Your first kiss should definitely be included,” I said thinking about me being the lucky one to give her that kiss.
“I want to photograph the Rockies,” she said almost instantly. “That’s something that I want to do,” she added. I pulled out a piece a piece of paper and began filling up a list.
1.- Visit the Rockies with Amber
I wrote. Amber looked for her diary and I wrote number nine down on my list without her seeing it.
“Top secret,” I said when she asked what it was.
“I guess go to the school dance could be a second one,” said Amber. “But you hate dancing.”
“I just want to live that experience,” she winked. Amber’s bucket list was filled and erased more than once. I made sure all the things written down were things only Amber wanted to do. I didn’t want myself or anyone else to influence on her decisions. It surprised to see number eight on Amber’s list. Forgive Skylar it said. But it surprised me more that she filled in number nine with a question mark. I insisted on telling me what it was but she refused.
“Top secret,” she answered when I asked her for the last time.
I told dad about Amber’s list and tried to make it interesting for him so he could take us fishing over the weekend. I wanted to keep Amber busy. The less time she spent on her own, the less time she would have to over think. Dad agreed on taking us fishing only if I cleaned the entire garage, which looked more like a jungle. All of dad’s tools had to be cleaned and organized. It took me three afternoons to complete the task but on Sunday morning dad got the truck ready for us to go fishing. Nick and Grace also made the trip and I was happy to see dad fishing again. It reminded me when Nick and I were just toddlers and we would go fishing every weekend. Dad showed Amber and Grace the correct way to throw the fishing line and rod exactly how he had shown me and Nick. Amber was quite competitive and wanted to be the first one to catch something. I saw her looking at Nick and Grace as they attempted to catch something. I felt something pull and I backed away trying to free whatever I was pulling on.
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