Connie laughed lightly, a contrast to her dark Domme tone. “Sweetheart, he wears kid gloves with you now. The manner in how he treats you won’t change—the way he claims you the first time will be the only difference.”
“Then what does it matter? Rough or gentle, does it actually fucking affect him if he doesn’t know?” A little freaked out by the fact she was actually discussing losing her virginity, she paced like a rabid wolf, biting her index finger. “If I’m going to have sex, I just want it over with, goddamn it.”
Connie shoved onto her feet and crossed her arms over her chest. The look in her eyes—when Bodie dared meet them—was intimidating. “And if he hurts you in the process? That not only affects him, Boadicea, but be damn sure it will have lasting and damaging consequences for you. One bad experience can sour sex for you for the rest of your life, instead of opening possibilities.”
Screwing her eyes shut didn’t stop the memories assaulting her like fists raining down on her head. That one awful night when she’d dragged herself to the Callahan’s house to turn herself into the whore her father told her she was. Standing in the shadow of the house, her insides freezing with the depravity of what she was seeing, and the soul-consuming fear that the girl bleeding and strapped down on the picnic bench could have been her if she’d arrived just a little bit earlier.
Three teenaged boys she’d known for years—more through their father’s connection to hers than through actual interaction with them—tormenting the petite blonde no more than a couple years older than Bodie had been. Coarse blue rope tied around her wrists and ankles, rubbing her pale skin until blood stained both.
The edges of a dirty rag stuffed into her mouth visible around the duct tape muffling her frantic screams, reducing them to incoherent grunts.
Bodie remembered gagging once, swiftly, as the youngest Callahan—Robert, named after his asshat of a father—stripped off his clothes and stood bathed in the murky yellow light of the security lights. His brothers had slapped him on the back, cheering him on, and he’d gleefully climbed onto the table, on top of the girl, and...
Bodie had already had her one bad experience and it hadn’t even been hers. She was still paying for her cowardice now, the moral weight of running from the gruesome tableau instead of trying to help the girl still crushing Bodie into the ground eleven years later.
Bodie’s parents had brushed it off when she told them what the Callahan brothers were doing—because after all, boys will be boys. They’d threatened her with the same experience, complete with the Callahan boys doling out the punishment, if she dared breathe a word to anyone else.
Monsters guarding monsters.
To this day, Bodie didn’t know whether the girl had been left alive. No body matching her description was ever reported found, there’d never been a mention of her on the news as missing or dead, but knowing what her father was capable of and how close he was to Callahan Senior, Bodie had no foolish dreams of the girl surviving that night.
The only one left suffering was Bodie.
“I thought guys wanted virgins?” Here came the cocky attitude again, the walls drawing in to shield herself from memories and Connie’s wrath. “The whole ‘my penis is Christopher Columbus’ fantasy they have.”
Connie snorted out a laugh. “Jesus, where do you come up with this stuff? I don’t think any man I’ve ever known has fantasized about his cock emulating Christopher Columbus. And honestly? As much as they brag about what they’d do to a virgin, half of them would run a mile in the opposite direction if given one. Too much responsibility for them to handle—unless you end up with a fuckwit who doesn’t give a damn whether she has a good time or not. That isn’t Braun, Bodie. Trust me, you need to tell him.”
Bodie shook her head and hugged herself.
“Would you like me to? I can ask him to come in here, away from everyone else, and tell him in private. It won’t go any further than Braun, sweetheart. No one else needs to know; it’s not their business. But I’d be doing you both a disservice if I didn’t strongly advise you to tell him.”
Tell him, tell him, tell him.
Letting Connie do the deed was too easy.
Bodie knew she was too weak to do it herself.
So she took the easy way out, and hated herself for it.
“Do what you want. What you think is right. I don’t...I don’t care anymore.” She rubbed her mouth to conceal a shuddering inhale, then dropped her hand. “Are we done here? I’m tired and I want to go home.”
“I’ll go get Braun and your clothes. We’ll get you dressed and something to drink while I talk to him, then he can take you to his place and get you settled for the night.” Connie ran her hand over Bodie’s shoulder. “Don’t feel embarrassed or ashamed, sweetheart. This is a rite of passage for everyone.”
Maybe, but right now, this wasn’t happening to everyone, it was happening to her. “I don’t want to be in here when you tell him. Just let me get dressed and I’ll go sit with Liam at the bar until...after. If he still wants to see me once he knows.”
“He’s not stupid enough to throw you away, Bodie. I’ll go speak with him now and get your clothes. I’m sure Liam will love having you with him for a few minutes; I know he’s missed you terribly the past few weeks. Will you be okay by yourself?”
By herself. Some time alone sounded like heaven.
“Yeah, don’t worry about me.” Bodie flapped the blanket a bit. “Not like I can go far, right?”
“Good. Braun will scalp me if you vanish again. Sit down, take the weight off your feet and just rest, sweetheart. Tonight’s been a huge shock to your system, whether you realize it or not.” Connie walked to her shoes and slipped into them, instantly gaining several inches. Without a hitch in her stride, she did that floating thing to the door, gliding along effortlessly. “I won’t be long.”
A breath whooshed from her as soon as the door closed behind the Domme. Bodie thought they’d gone well over Braun’s allocated fifty minutes and, while she hadn’t thought much about the time, the conversation and internal struggle had taken its toll on her body. Muscles ached as though she’d gone ten rounds with a heavyweight champ, particularly in her neck and shoulders, and her chest felt bruised.
Could she put herself through this every week? An hour, if not more, of self-torture? Not to mention the burden of dumping all her family shit on someone else. She carried that burden because of what she’d done. Penance for not helping the girl who’d needed her so badly.
For telling the wrong people, then letting years of conditioning control her.
Somehow, offloading that guilt onto Connie seemed like cheating. Not just that, how was she supposed to explain how she’d bolted like a frightened rabbit without doing anything worthwhile to stop the girl’s demise?
How could she tell someone, who was fast becoming a friend, the kind of hell she’d lived through as a child, a teenager, and into adulthood? How she dreaded going home at night in case her parents had been there and ransacked her apartment or, worse, waited for her in the dark?
Sitting in silence wasn’t going to work, either. Connie’s skills were more than a match for Bodie’s bullheadedness. She wormed her way into Bodie’s brain and simply unlocked her secrets from the inside, waiting patiently for Bodie to voice them as though it was her idea to divulge.
She jumped when the door swung open and Connie strolled back into the office, clothes in her arms, but no sign of Braun. For a horrible moment, she considered the possibility the Domme had told him the dirty little secret out there among the Dominants and submissives, and that he no longer wanted anything to do with her.
Her heart was ready to shatter at the news.
“Here you go, sweetheart. I think your Dom is a bit confused but he’s promised to listen quietly and calmly. He’s giving you a few minutes to get changed before he comes in. Liam’s saving you a seat at the bar, and Braun’s added you onto his tab so just order what you like. Try not to hit the heavy stuff after a n
ight like tonight. Liam makes fabulous margaritas.” Connie winked as she handed over the bundle of clothing.
A bottle of Macallan and a shot glass is all I need.
Bodie nearly snatched her clothes from the other woman, turning her back to her and hunching over to keep the blanket on her shoulders while she quickly rummaged through the material. “Where the hell is my underwear?”
Connie laughed. “Yeah, about that. Braun says don’t expect to see those panties or bra again anytime soon; they’re being held hostage until he tastes you again. He also said don’t fret about going commando—it’s something you’ll need to get used to.”
“Arrogant jackass,” she hissed, suddenly on the verge of a crying jag for the stupidest umpteenth time that night. She liked the protection of panties, and she preferred her breasts securely confined in a bra. “He should get used to going commando, because I’m going to shred every pair of boxers and briefs I can find in his drawers.”
The Domme snorted. “Sweetheart, the day that man wears underwear is the day hell freezes over and snowmen frolic like little ice demons. He damn near always goes commando.”
Startled, Bodie whirled with her jeans in her hands. “He what?”
“Jasper and Atticus are the same. Something about well-endowed cocks and tight confines.” Connie shrugged nonchalantly. “I wouldn’t know; I don’t have one, well-endowed or otherwise.”
“Jesus.” Banishing images of all three men wandering around, strutting through the club like roosters with their equipment swinging free, she wriggled into the loose denim hastily. She did not want those visuals in her head...
Liar, liar, no panties left to set on fire.
“Oh sweetheart, just no. Is that what you’ve been wearing in the club?”
Shielding her bare breasts from view, Bodie wrestled her arms into the hoody. Yanking it over her head, she replied with a muffled, “Yes?”
“Do you have anything less...casual?”
Her head popped out of the hole. “This is what I wear. It’s all I’ve got and it’s comfortable.”
Connie tapped her finger on her lower lip thoughtfully. “Outside club hours, you’ll be fine. I think you and I will go shopping. Casual is all well and good, Boadicea, but when there are members playing, you should be able to fit in. You’re Braun’s submissive now. The correct clothing goes a long way to setting you in the right mindset for submission, believe me. I know a few places with stock that will suit you without offending your style. And,” she added gleefully, “we’ll have the opportunity to knock your Dom’s socks off.”
Bodie folded the blanket carefully and set it on Braun’s desk. “Just what I need, Braun sans boxers and socks. Might as well ban him from wearing a shirt and pants too.”
“We’d need an additional security team to protect him from the unattached flock of subs roaming the club. Let’s leave the getting naked until you’re alone.”
Before she could splutter out her response, there was a sharp double tap on the door before it eased open wide enough for the man in question to poke his head through. Seeing she was dressed, Braun’s face lit up and he stepped inside, moving straight to her to claim her with a searing kiss.
Yeah, she really needed those stolen panties right about now.
“There’s my gorgeous girl,” he murmured against her lips. “Missed you.”
“It’s been an hour,” she muttered, blushing brilliantly.
“More like ninety minutes. Seems like forever when all I want to do is wrap myself around you and go to sleep with you in my arms.”
Ninety minutes? Baby Jesus, where had the time gone?
“That’s my cue. Bodie, if you’re sure you don’t want to stay for this, why don’t you go hit Liam up for that drink? This won’t take more than a few minutes and I’m sure Braun is eager to finish off your aftercare.”
She didn’t need inviting to leave twice. No, Sir, she was gone before Connie could change her mind and Braun persuaded her to stay and witness her mortification level ring the bell of Ultimate Humiliation.
She half ran down the walkway, stumbling slightly as she braced for Braun’s roar of outrage to chase her into the social area. Panic seized her chest as she realized that, with every step she took, Connie was discussing her with Braun.
Telling him her secret.
Changing the way he’d look at her.
Altering their relationship, whatever it might be.
Her stride didn’t falter when she reached the bar. She just kept going, driven by anxiety so acute, it stole her breath and every scattered thought.
Chapter Ten
“Should I be worried?”
Braun asked the question as his friend pinched the bridge of her nose and walked over to the couch. The door still shuddered in its frame following Bodie’s hasty departure. He was relieved neither woman looked too worse for wear—he’d harbored concerns for their safety when time passed the fifty-minute mark and no one emerged from his office.
“That girl is so twisted up inside, it’s a wonder she can function.” Connie said wearily, letting her bubbly demeanor slide away to reveal the exhausted woman beneath. “I’m not at liberty to say too much, as you know, but I will warn you Bodie is likely to give your patience and your skills one hell of a workout. I’ll need your office a couple times a week for the foreseeable future.”
Impressed, Braun winged up an eyebrow. “You convinced her to see you as a patient?”
“She’s agreed to once a week, but I’d like to steer her toward more. However, she needs to believe that more is her idea. Not yours or mine.” She leaned forward and grabbed the pad, ripping off a page filled with her meticulous shorthand, folding it neatly, and shoving it into her cleavage. “You’ll want to sit down now, Braun.”
The world around him went very still, and he found himself not wanting to breathe in case one wrong exhale changed the outcome of what his friend was about to say. “Connie, if Bodie’s been molested or raped in the past, you don’t need to sugarcoat it. I can handle it so long as I know. It wouldn’t come as a surprise.”
What did surprise him, however, was the Domme's soft laugh. “Oh, it’s going to be a surprise, all right. I shouldn’t laugh, I’m sorry. Tiredness is catching up to me. The chaos inside her is mentally exhausting. Please, sit. My neck aches and trying to look at you up there isn’t alleviating it.”
With a grunt, he crossed to the couch and dropped onto the opposite end. “Bodie hasn’t been...damaged?”
“She has, in too many ways to guess. She hasn’t openly admitted to a specific incident, but there’s something lurking. Rape is a definite no; molestation hasn’t yet been discounted. I’ll get to the bottom of things eventually, but what I’ve been given permission to tell you takes higher precedence at the moment.” Heavy gray eyes met his, were serious down to the soul. “I need your word you’re not going to overreact, Braun. This is a very real, very delicate issue for Bodie, and I’ve assured her it won’t change the way you think about or treat her from here on out.”
For the life of him, he couldn’t think of anything that could change the way he felt about his raven-haired little subbie. “Hit me with it.”
Connie took a deep breath. “Boadicea is a virgin.”
Maybe he blinked. He knew he was still breathing, but the rest of him was numb. Good call on the sitting down part of the meeting. “I have it on good authority she’s not.”
“Unless that authority has personally had his cock inside the girl, you can disregard him. Liam didn’t lie to you,” she said quickly as his thoughts turned viciously to that possibility. “Liam doesn’t know. For reasons belonging to Bodie, it’s been safer for everyone to believe she’s...experienced.”
“Safer? What the fuck?”
“What I tell you goes no further than us and these walls, Braun. It falls under the boundaries of what I’m allowed to divulge, but barely. I hope Bodie will have the courage to explain it further when she’s ready, but perhaps it’s best f
or you to get the rage out of the way before she does.” Connie scrubbed at her eyes. “Bodie believes that her parents, if they find out she’s still innocent, will auction off her virginity to the highest bidders. We haven’t covered her parents too deeply tonight, but from the little she’s said, I think she’s right in her assumptions. Liam was kept out of the loop specifically.”
Blindsided, Braun blew out a long, long breath. Fuck, this was worse than he expected. Questions streamed into his head by the dozen, more piling up behind. They jammed up his ability to process and left him sitting in stunned silence.
Thank God I didn’t fuck her tonight.
He’d wanted to, had come perilously close to yanking his cock out of his pants and slamming home after she’d orgasmed on his tongue. If she’d had an ounce of perception left, any capability to consent to intercourse, he would have driven his cock inside her without hesitation. Hunger for her would have cast gentleness aside. The taste of her in his mouth had banished all thoughts from his head but claiming her.
Jesus Christ, he’d been so fucking close to ruining a beautiful thing.
“Would she have told me, do you think?”
“Under the right circumstances, possibly.”
He shook his head slowly. “That’s a no and we both know it. I want to be furious with her for keeping this from me, but I’m torn between hunting her parents down and ripping them apart, and kicking my own ass for misreading the signs.”
“I’ll help annihilate her parents, but you read the signals she’s been giving off with the information you had at hand from her closest friend. We can’t automatically assume every nervous little soul who ventures through those doors is an actual virgin, Braun. BDSM virgins, sure, we get our fair share, but an honest to god virgin? Not an everyday occurrence.”
“Fuck. I’ve hunted her, Con. Pushed her into working here, done my fucking utmost to persuade her to be my sub, and she’s not got a fucking clue what she's agreed to. That makes me a bigger asshole than those fuckers who raised her!”
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