Going Inksane (Nice Ink Book 1)

by Trish Edmisten

  “I just wish I had a nice, normal family like yours.”

  Ned gave me a wry smile. “You think my family’s normal?”

  “Yes, especially compared to mine.”

  “Then they’re yours too, for as long as you want them.”

  “Thank you, baby.”

  “You might want to wait a bit and get to know them better before you decide whether or not you want to thank me,” Ned joked, and I finally cracked a smile. “There’s that sexy smile.”

  I just shook my head.

  “What? It’s true,” Ned insisted. “Speaking of our family, Mom wants us to have dinner with them again next week if you can manage it.”

  “Of course, you don’t even have to ask.”

  “Good, I’ll let her know. So, is there a bathroom or maybe an office in this place?”

  I frowned at the odd request. “Yeah, we have both. Why?”

  “Oh, good, I vote for the office then.”

  “Vote for the office for what?”

  Standing on his tiptoes, he whispered in my ear, “For the place to give you a take your mind off things blowjob.”

  I barely held in my groan as I tightened my hold on him.

  “Is that a yes?” Ned asked.

  “I wish, but these walls are thinner than you think.”

  “I guess I’ll just have to save it for tonight. You are coming home tonight, right?”

  It was probably just a figure of speech, but it warmed me inside that he was asking if I was coming home. Coming home as if it was my place too, which I hoped it would be someday.

  “Yeah, I’m coming home.”

  “Good, and now you have something to look forward to.”

  Coming home to Ned was more than enough to look forward to. I was done looking for anyone else. Ned was it for me, which meant it was time to tell him the truth about who I really was.

  For the first time since we’d met, I was worried about seeing Ned; seeing the disappointment in his eyes when I told him about Ty Harder.

  Taking a deep breath, I killed the engine and emerged from my truck and started toward the front door. As badly as I wanted this to go well, I was prepared for his anger, prepared for him to hate me.

  Daisy ran to greet me when I opened the front door. Having spent every night there for the past week, Ned had given me a spare key. It was silly to have to ring the bell whenever I came over, especially when it was so late. That’s what he’d told me.

  Now, as I petted my dog with one hand, I fingered the key with the other, wondering if I would have to give it back.

  “Hey, honey.” Ned’s smile was bright as he came down the hall.

  God, he was so beautiful. Lean and lithe with his dark brown eyes and tousled brown hair, he was my walking wet dream. Please don’t let this be the last time I see him.

  “I thought you were home,” Ned said. “Before you actually opened the door I mean. Every time you’re about to get home, Daisy jumps off the bed and races down the hall like she hears your truck or something.”

  Rising to my full height, I planted a kiss on his lips. “You let her in your bed, huh?”

  Ned’s cheeks pinked. “She likes it, and she doesn’t take up much room.”

  “Hey, it’s your bed. I’m cool with it if you are.”

  “Can I fix you something to eat?”

  “No, thanks, baby. I’m still full from your amazing enchiladas.”

  Ned beamed at me. “I’m glad you liked them. What about something to drink?”

  “Actually, I was hoping we could talk.”

  Ned’s smile faded and concern filled his eyes. “Is everything okay?”

  “I don’t know yet.”

  “Um, okay, I guess we should sit down.”

  With a growing sense of dread, I followed him to the couch. For now, we were sitting side by side, but I suspected that would change in a few minutes.

  Staring at Ned, I did my best to catalog his features and commit them to memory.

  “What did you want to talk about?” Ned asked, biting his lush lower lip.

  There wasn’t an easy way to answer that question. Blurting out that I used to do porn seemed too abrupt, but I wasn’t sure how to ease into it either.

  Ned reached for my hand. “Whatever it is, you can tell me. We’ll figure it out together.”

  “I hope so,” I said, squeezing his hand as I gave him a thin smile. “I just don’t want you to hate me.”

  “I could never hate you.”

  “Even if I did something bad, something that makes you look at me differently?”

  There was a flicker of panic in his eyes, but he didn’t let go of my hand.

  “Did you murder someone? Rape someone?”

  “No, I could never do either of those things.”

  And I couldn’t. No matter how miserable Marjorie and Gary had made our lives, I had never wanted to kill them. For a long time, I’d wanted them to change and be the parents they should have been. When I realized that couldn’t happen, I didn’t wish them dead. I just wanted them to leave us alone.

  While I hadn’t mourned Gary’s death, I hadn’t celebrated either. I couldn’t deny the sense of relief I’d felt to know he wasn’t going to be able to hurt us again, but after everything he’d put us through, I felt like I was entitled to that.

  “Then there’s nothing you can say that will change how I feel about you,” Ned assured me.

  “Nothing?”

  “Nothing.”

  “Not even if I told you that the only way I was able to come up with the money to open the shop was by doing porn?”

  Ned blinked at me. “What?”

  “I couldn’t get a loan,” I answered. “We tried, X and I both, but we didn’t have any collateral and we were too young. The banks didn’t want to take a chance on us. Even with me and X and Cooper being paid to apprentice, it wasn’t enough money for us to save for the shop and live on. We were thinking about giving up, just trying to get hired on at the shops we were working at, but…”

  Ned leaned back, disbelief on his face. “But you thought, ‘hey, let’s try porn’?”

  “Not exactly,” I said. “It was Cooper’s idea, believe it or not. He got on the internet to look up ways to make good money fast. Some of the stuff wasn’t gonna work. Things like selling our stuff or renting a room in our house, but one of the sites he saw said something about getting into porn, either by doing your own or signing with a studio.”

  “And you guys did that?”

  “X and I did. I told Cooper there was no way I was letting him do it. He was only eighteen, and I didn’t want his innocence ruined by something like that.”

  “So you sacrificed your own instead?”

  I shrugged. “His was more important to me.”

  “How long did you do it?”

  “A few years.”

  Ned’s eyes widened. “That’s…a long time.”

  “I know. It pays well, but not when you first start. You have to prove yourself, prove you can make money.”

  “And you did that?”

  “Yeah, we did and as soon as we had enough money to buy the building outright, we quit, refused to sign anymore contracts.”

  Ned let go of my hand, leaning back against the couch. I was hoping it was a good sign that he hadn’t kicked me out, that he seemed more curious than angry.

  “How long has it been since you quit?”

  “I stopped when I was twenty-four, so almost six years now.”

  “What kind of, um, porn was it?”

  I frowned. “What do you mean?”

  “Was it, you know, gay or straight? Did you do weird fetish stuff?”

  “It was all gay, and I don’t know about fetish, but I did do a few, uh, threesomes.”

  Ned’s grimace made me flinch.

  “You said X did it too. Did you guys ever do one together?”

  “No, I told you I’ve never been with X, and I meant it.”

  “You also never told m
e you did porn for three years,” Ned snapped. “How am I supposed to know what to believe? What else have you lied to me about?”

  “I’ve never lied to you.”

  I knew it was the wrong thing to say as soon as I said it. Ned’s eyes narrowed and his face reddened, but this wasn’t one of his sweet blushes. This was pure anger.

  My heart sank, but I deserved this. I’d kept this from him when I shouldn’t have and I was going to pay dearly for my mistake.

  “God, you must think I’m so stupid,” Ned spat.

  “I don’t think that, baby.”

  “Don’t call me that. You don’t get to call me that when you’ve spent our entire relationship lying to me.”

  “I know I should have told you, but I was afraid of exactly this happening,” I admitted. “Afraid you wouldn’t understand how desperate I was, that I would have done anything to get me and Cooper out of our shitty neighborhood and away from our fucked up parents, even if it meant selling my soul to the devil.”

  Ned snorted. “You sold your body to him instead.”

  I couldn’t argue with that.

  “How many movies did you make? It must be a lot right? I mean, you did it for three years. Did you win any awards? Porn has awards right?”

  I stayed silent under the verbal onslaught, knowing he didn’t really want to hear the answers. He just needed to purge the poison from his system, but I was under no illusions that he would still be mine once he did.

  “Did you use your real name, or did you have one of those stupid porn names like Steele Cox or Dick Banger?”

  I did my best not to let my lips quirk upward since I knew he wouldn’t appreciate just how awesome those names were.

  “Well?” Ned demanded.

  “Well, what?”

  “Did you use your real name or not?”

  “No.”

  “So, what was your name? Come on, Heath, I want to know.”

  I didn’t want to tell him. I knew what he would do with that information, but I didn’t have a choice. Ned wasn’t going to let this go, and I didn’t blame him.

  “Ty Harder, that was the name I used,” I admitted.

  Ned snorted. “Not bad, but I think mine are better.”

  They were, but I didn’t say so.

  “What about X? What was his name?”

  “I’m not going to tell you that. If he wants you to know, he’ll tell you, but I’m not taking that choice from him.”

  “Wow, a porn star with integrity,” Ned said, and I flinched. “I didn’t know there was such a thing, but it doesn’t matter anyway. I’ll probably find it when I’m looking you up.”

  “I wish you wouldn’t.”

  “I’ll bet you do, but guess what? You don’t get to make that choice for me.”

  “It’s not about that. I just don’t want to hurt you. I never wanted that.”

  “Yeah, well, it’s a little late for that,” Ned snapped. “I think…”

  The way his eyes glistened broke my heart. I wanted to reach for him, take him in my arms and beg forgiveness. I stayed put, knowing he wouldn’t welcome my touch.

  Ned took a deep breath. “I think it’s best if you leave. I…I need some time.”

  Even though I knew the words were coming, they still felt like a punch to my gut. My heart was crumbling, but I forced myself not to react. This wasn’t about my feelings. Those didn’t matter.

  “I understand,” I said, getting to my feet. “Come on, Daisy. Time to go.”

  When my dog trotted toward me, I scooped her up. For once, she didn’t try to squirm away from me, and I was grateful. I couldn’t take another rejection right now.

  I didn’t expect Ned to follow me, but he did. Probably to make sure I actually left. God knows I didn’t want to, but I would respect his wishes.

  At the door, I turned to face him. “I’m here whenever you’re ready, baby.”

  I wanted to kiss him so badly, but I didn’t. He didn’t want it, and I sure as hell didn’t deserve it.

  Ned gave me a sad smile. “Goodbye, Heath.”

  The door closed behind me, followed by the turning of the locks, the finality of it echoing in the silence around me.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Ned

  Heath had done porn. I still couldn’t believe it. Of all the things, he could have told me that was the last thing I expected.

  With the door locked and chained behind him, I headed for my room, but sleep wasn’t my goal. Instead, I removed my phone from where it sat charging atop my dresser.

  This was a bad idea. I knew it, but at the same time I needed to see the truth for myself.

  Dropping into bed, I typed in the pin to unlock my phone and opened the internet option. My fingers shook as I typed in the name Ty Harder. Within seconds, I was staring at multiple matches for the name Ty Harder, including the one I knew I was looking for. The one billed as an actor for a sight called Lush Puppies. I couldn’t decide if that was clever or stomach turning.

  I couldn’t lie and say I’d never watched porn. Every guy had watched at least one adult movie in his lifetime, but I didn’t know the names of all the studios or anything. The text under the web address claimed Lush Puppies was the premier gay porn studio for some of the hottest stars in the business.

  My heart sped up when I clicked on the website and was taken to a picture. Even though I was looking at a picture of a much younger Heath, my brain and my heart didn’t want to accept it, but there it was. Proof that he hadn’t been lying when he said he’d been in porn.

  The picture was small but still a full body shot. Beside his photo was a rundown of everything from his name and age, height and weight and even his hobbies to the movies he’d been in.

  God, there were so many and the names. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Man Eaters, The Meat Packers, Power Tools, Campfire Orgy, How the Best Are Hung and my personal favorite for worst title ever, The Hanging Judge.

  For a second, I let myself laugh. I mean, really. Who named these things?

  My good humor was short lived though when I got brave and clicked on the link for The Hanging Judge. The cover was Heath, decked out in a black judge’s robe, which of course was wide open and that wasn’t even the worst part. No, that would be the fact that Heath stood fisting his fully hard dick with this look on his face that I assumed was supposed to be sultry but looked too forced.

  Heath hadn’t just done porn. He was on the cover, which meant he was a star. My boyfriend was The Hanging Judge, and I had no idea what to do with that information.

  The sound of my phone pinging with multiple text messages let me know I had actually managed to catch a little bit of sleep after Heath dropped his porn bomb on me.

  Not much though. It was only a little bit after seven. The last time I remembered looking at the clock it was just after three in the morning.

  With the way my phone was going crazy with texts, I knew it was the group message my brothers and I had. I thought about ignoring it and trying to go back to sleep, but I would have to face them sooner or later.

  I didn’t even bother to sit up as I reached for my phone and thumbed it open to read the messages that had been sent so far.

  Derek: Wakey, wakey bitches! Who’s up for breakfast?

  Oliver: It’s not even seven yet, Ricky.

  Derek: Does that mean you’re not in?

  Kiel: I’m in. I’m not on duty for another two days.

  Roger: Not happening. I’m pulling a double. One of my coworkers is sick.

  Kiel: You can’t work forty-eight straight, Gerry. It’s dangerous.

  Roger: I’ll be fine. You know we sleep on our downtime.

  Kiel: Just be careful.

  Roger: I always am. Gotta go.

  Oliver: Are we going for real breakfast, or are we going to get donuts and sneak into Neddie’s place so we can see Heath shirtless again?

  I knew that’s what those sluts had been up to!

  Ned: Excuse me you bitches, but H
eath isn’t here this morning so no seeing him naked.

  Typing those words hurt, but I ignored it. Later, I would unpack my feelings about Heath. Right now, I needed to deal with these dumb asses.

  Derek: Damn, real breakfast it is then. Waffle House in an hour work for everyone?

  Oliver: You’re such a slut for waffles.

  Kiel: He’s such a slut for EVERYTHING.

  Derek: Don’t hate me cuz you ain’t me!

  Oliver: That was so lame. I’m embarrassed for you.

  Kiel: Gotta agree with Ollie on this one.

  Derek: You’re just jelly because I’m so fab-u-lous.

  Oliver: Stop, just stop. I can’t deal with this shit until I get some coffee in me.

  Derek: I’d like something strong and black in me, but it sure as hell isn’t coffee.

  Kiel: Damn, Ricky, you really are a slut.

  Derek: Nope, just an out and proud gay man with a healthy sexual appetite.

  Oliver: Please never say those words to me again.

  Kiel: I second that emotion.

  Ned: Agreed, I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

  Derek: Screw you, bitches. You’re just mad because you’re not getting any.

  Oliver: I’m done. See you at Waffle House in an hour.

  Derek: Be there or be square.

  Kiel: I’ll be there.

  Derek: What about you, Neddie? Think you can tear yourself away from your tattooed Titan long enough to have waffles with your favorite brothers?

  Derek had just given me the perfect excuse to avoid having to face them. Instead of taking it, I found myself typing an affirmative response.

  Setting my phone aside, I climbed out of bed and headed straight for the shower. While I was hoping it would wake me up and help me clear my head, my mind went straight for the whole my boyfriend was a porn star torture.

  I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do or how I should feel.

  Part of me was hurt. Why didn’t he tell me sooner? How could he do something like that and not tell me? Better yet, how could he do porn at all? Who did something like that?

  Then there was the part of me that was afraid. Had he been safe when he’d made all those movies? Did he have something he was going to give me? I wanted to say no, but I honestly couldn’t be sure. Heath hadn’t told me about the porn upfront so maybe this was something else he was keeping hidden.