The Goddess Gets Her Guy

by Ashlyn Chase

  “Wait a minute…magic wands?”

  “Oh yes. We use those in our rituals. In the very beginning, we open the circle by casting energy clockwise while surrounding ourselves with protective light. And then at the end of the ritual, we open the circle by casting the energy counterclockwise.”

  All this was confusing to Gaia. She had dropped in on some of those rituals, since they often called on her specifically, but she just didn’t understand all the rigmarole that went with it. “So what else is involved in a ritual?”

  “Well, we all write down our intentions in the form of spells, recite and burn them so the energy rises to the heavens, and we bring offerings to the Goddess.”

  Her back straightened. “Really? What kinds of offerings?”

  “Usually wine and some kind of sweets. Small honey cakes or bakery items she might enjoy. But of course, at the end of the ritual, we eat them ourselves.”

  She laughed. “You have an interesting definition of offering a gift. ‘Here’s a yummy cake. Oh no, that’s not for you. I’ll eat it myself, thank you.’”

  He smiled. “It’s more of a symbolic thing.”

  After a long pause to mull that over, she said, “So tell me about these other tools. You mentioned capes?”

  “Yes. Black capes. For protection.”

  “Oh, like raincoats?”

  “No.”

  “So they’re warm coats to protect you from snow and cold?”

  “No. Not that kind of protection. Magical protection from evil spirits.”

  Her eyebrows shot up. “Protection from a cape?”

  “I…uh…the cape is really more of a tradition. Our pagan ancestors had to meet in secret or risk being burned at the stake, so they wore black to blend in with the night.”

  She laughed. “You realize your ancestors met in their best brown burlap because that was all they had, right?”

  His face fell. At last, their waitress arrived with their sandwiches in paper bags inside another paper bag with handles.

  “Oh, thank God,” he muttered under his breath.

  God? Now he’s talking to one of my subordinates? This date was not going as expected, but at least they could finally get outside. Maybe he’d make more sense with some fresh air.

  They took the food and walked down to the river. There was a lovely winding pathway beside it. “Have you ever been here before?” he asked.

  “Yes, as a matter of fact, I have.” She smirked. She wasn’t taking this very seriously anymore, so she might as well have a little fun while she could. Glancing over at him, she asked, “So what are your books about?”

  “Oh, all kinds of things having to do with the craft. I have a number of thoughts on spells, spirit guides, herbs, crystal and candle magic…”

  “I’ll bet you do. So you must be pretty powerful?”

  “My magic is always spot-on, but it’s actually the Goddess who has all the power. I just ask her for what I need.”

  “How do you know what’s needed?”

  He glanced over at her and frowned. “Well, I know what I want. That’s usually all any of us know. The Goddess knows what we need.”

  She nodded. “I think I understand.” That seemed like a pretty good answer.

  Suddenly, as they were passing a copse of bushes, a familiar figure emerged.

  Bruce gasped and froze in place.

  Gaia stuck one hand on her hip. “Pan? Really? You’re crashing my date?”

  Bruce just stayed frozen in one spot, staring directly at the young god with hairy goat legs, hoofs, and horns, who was laughing. His long goatee bobbed with his chin.

  “I’ll bet he doesn’t know who you really are, does he?” Pan asked.

  “And I’ll bet I wasn’t ready to tell him. I might never have, since I don’t think it’s a good idea anymore.”

  Bruce finally recovered from his shock and stared at Gaia. “What does he mean ‘who you really are’? Wait a minute. Your name is Gaia…”

  Mother Nature rolled her eyes. “Yes, it’s me. The Goddess.” She watched his expression as it changed from incredulous to starstruck.

  “But…wait, you…I mean…how…”

  Pan laughed again. “What’s the matter, priest? Cat got your tongue?” A black cat appeared in Pan’s arms, bit him, and ran away. “Fickle feline. So, mortal, did you think she wasn’t real? Have you been pretending all this time?”

  “I…I…”

  Pan crossed arms. “Oh, come on. Spit it out.”

  The Goddess sighed. “Pan, now that you’ve ruined everything, I’ll have to erase his memory. In fact, get going, and I’ll do that right now.”

  “Sure thing, Sugar.” Pan scampered off into the woods, and Bruce’s wide-eyed gaze followed him.

  When they were alone again, he asked, “Are you really the Goddess? Gaia? Mother Nature herself?”

  “Yes, I am. And I’m sorry, but I don’t want to continue this date. It’s all right. Really. It’s not you. I mean, not really. You have some odd ideas, but I’m trying hard not to correct people if they’re not harming anyone.”

  “Yes! That’s the Witches’ Rede. If it harm none, do what ye will…”

  She shrugged. “Most people don’t even realize the harm they do.”

  His posture slumped. “I guess when I thought you were too good to be true, I was right.”

  She smiled. “Why don’t you continue to meet up with your cronies and do whatever it is you do? You’ll find someone there. But for heaven’s sake, you can just talk to me. You don’t need all the rituals and tools and…um…offerings.” She snorted.

  He looked crestfallen. “I—I don’t know what to do with my life now. It’s—it’s all a sham.”

  She placed a hand on his shoulder. “No, it’s not that bad. You’re doing what you learned to do, which is nice. But it’s for you, not me. You understand, right?”

  He nodded but still looked confused.

  “Tell you what. It won’t matter in a minute.” She swiped her hand across his face, and he blinked.

  She stuck out her hand. “Well, it was nice to meet you, Bruce. I think I’m going to head home now.”

  “Would you like a ride? I have my car parked around the corner.”

  “No, that’s okay. I’ll just walk. It’s a nice evening.”

  “Okay. Take care.” And with that, he jogged across the street, and she strolled off into the sunset.

  Chapter 8

  “Kizz?”

  “Ruthie. How are you? It’s so good to hear your voice!” Kizzy exclaimed.

  “I’m okay. I’m really sorry to bother you, but it’s Dad. He’s acting very depressed. Just moping around, and…I don’t know. He’s just not himself.”

  “Oh dear. Did something happen?”

  “I’m not sure. He seemed to be fine at first, but when he saw that I was doing better—great, in fact—he seemed to get upset. Like it wasn’t okay that I snapped right out of it.”

  “That’s strange,” Kizzy said. “How’s your pregnancy going? Do you feel like you’re ready to pop any second?”

  Ruth laughed. “Yes. But I was wondering if I could come and visit before that happens? I miss you. And no offense to Dad—he’s a doctor and everything—but I don’t want him around me in his depressed state. I need some excited support when I go into labor. I think I’d rather have you with me.”

  “I’d love that! You’ve got to get down here soon, before it’s too late to travel. It might even be too late now.”

  “I’m sure some doctors will say ‘yes, it’s too late,’ and others will say ‘no, it’s not. Go ahead.’ I think I’d rather make up my own mind.”

  “You’re still seeing your obstetrician, aren’t you?” Kizzy asked.

  Ruth sat on the sofa and put her feet up. “Yes, and she’s wonderful,
but she’s not you. You know how it is. If anything goes wrong… Well, I’d want you to be my doctor, and early in the day before you save anyone else!”

  Kizzy laughed. “Don’t be silly. You’re not going to need any supernatural help. Emergency or otherwise. You’ll be fine.”

  “I don’t know, Kizz. My doctor was concerned about my small hips. Apparently, this baby’s got Gordon’s big head.”

  Kizzy was quiet. At last, she said, “In that case, I’d rather have you down here too. How soon can you get here?”

  “I don’t know. It depends on whether or not Dad will come with me. I don’t want to leave him here alone like this.”

  “Now you’ve got me concerned. I thought he was just a little down. It sounds like you’re really worried for him. What’s going on?”

  “I don’t really know. He’s just moping around. It’s weird. He mutters to himself. He’s up late at night, pacing. And you should see his white whiskers! He’s not shaving every morning like he always has.”

  “Oh dear. That’s not like him. He’s always groomed to perfection and has a plan for every day. What could’ve happened?”

  “I’m not sure. I think it may have been something with a neighbor.”

  “A neighbor? I can’t think of anyone who would upset him to this point. Can you?”

  Ruth adjusted her posture and stuffed a pillow behind her back. “Maybe. Have you met the woman from one street over? I’m not sure which house she lives in, but she’s very beautiful. She has long white hair and dresses like Jackie O.”

  “Huh? I don’t think I’ve seen any neighbors like that. But if she broke his heart, we have to snap him out of it. Do you think they were having a fling?”

  “It wouldn’t surprise me. He’s been alone for twenty years.”

  “Yeah, ever since Mom died. It’s about damn time he got out there. But to get out there and get your heart broken? Oh, I feel so bad for him.”

  “You know, it’s weird, but that neighbor said he called her after I called him crying. And about an hour later when I got here, she came over and we had tea. She made it with an actual leaf from a plant she had in her bag. And after that, I felt incredibly good. I thought it was just the chat and caffeine that perked me up, but that feeling of strength and vitality hasn’t gone away. When I offered Dad a cup, he looked like he’d seen a ghost.”

  “Did he drink it?”

  “No. He refused. Then he sent me shopping. He hasn’t been the same since.”

  “This is definitely weird. Yes, come to Puerto Rico, and bring him with you.”

  Ruth let out a sigh of relief. “Thanks. There’s a little something I have to do here, but count on us showing up very soon.”

  “Just give me a call or text with your flight information. I’ll come and get you at the airport. If I can’t for some reason, Noah will.”

  “That sounds good. I miss you, Kizz.”

  “I miss you too, Ruthie. I’m so glad you’re coming. I can’t wait to see you!”

  “Me too. Maybe Dad will snap out of his depression down there.”

  “He was perfectly fine when he was here last week. In fact, he seemed to really like it here. I think it will do him good to get away from whatever it is up there that’s bothering him.”

  “I agree. Let’s figure out a way to get him to come with me, and if I have to, I’ll ask for help to kidnap him.”

  Kizzy laughed. “Well, you sound great. And soon, I hope all three of you will be here!”

  * * *

  “Your idea was a bust, Fate.”

  “What idea?”

  “The Wiccan priest you fixed me up with. At first, he seemed nice—a little old-fashioned, but not in a bad way. Then he began telling me how he and his friends worship me. Did you know they bring me food and wine, then eat and drink it themselves?”

  Fate rolled her eyes. “Talk about old-fashioned. Bringing an offering is a custom from ancient pagan times.”

  “Well, whatever it was, Pan showed up and ruined everything.”

  Fate shrugged. “Hey, if it’s meant to be…”

  “Stop. I don’t want to hear it!”

  “Look, it’s not as bad as all that. It was only your first try. There’s a saying, ‘You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince.’”

  “Huh?”

  “Look, I have to go. There’s a wedding that isn’t meant to be. I need to get the husband who’s still alive to the ceremony before…well, before she commits bigotry.”

  “You mean bigamy?”

  “Oh.” Fate giggled. “Yeah, that. Well, toodles!”

  Fate disappeared, leaving Gaia more frustrated than ever. Then she decided even though it sounded ridiculous, she was going to try kissing a few frogs. She loved her adorable little coqui in the rain forest, so why not just start there?

  Sitting on a damp rock in the middle of some dripping trees and pungent green foliage, she peeked around to be sure she was alone. Before long, one of her cute little coqui hopped up to her.

  “Ribbit.”

  “Hi there,” Mother Nature said sweetly. “Would you mind just hopping up onto my hand for a moment?”

  The little frog happily jumped up onto her hand and allowed her to bring him up to eye level.

  It didn’t look like a prince was in there, but oh well. She wouldn’t know if she didn’t try. She gave the little frog a kiss on the head.

  Nothing happened.

  I hope I don’t have to kiss him on the mouth. I may have invented my beautiful creatures and love every one of them, sort of, but kissing frogs on the nonexistent lips? I just don’t know…

  “Ribbit.”

  “Sure. You can go now.” She set her hand down next to the rock, and the little frog jumped off. With one more leap, he disappeared into the brush.

  She sighed. What now? Fate did say I had to kiss a lot of frogs, right? Oh dear. This had better work.

  “Come to me, little frogs. It’s your Mother who loves you.”

  Many frogs came hopping over to her, and she rose and scanned the dozen or so that just showed up. Then she saw more and more hopping from a distance. “Oh brother,” she mumbled. “I’d better get started if I’m going to do this.” She picked up one frog after another, kissing each on its head. Nothing happened. Rinse, repeat. Nothing happened. What the heck? This wasn’t the way it was supposed to go, was it? How many is a lot of frogs? At last, she grew weary, and the frogs had all had their turn and hopped off happily.

  “I have no idea what that was about.” Was Fate trying to be funny? Had she and Karma set up this little joke? It was too embarrassing to ask. She just knew that there was more behind it, but she hated to admit when she didn’t understand something. Well, it would have to wait. She had other things to do.

  When the last of her stupid frogs departed, she looked around at her beautiful tropical forest. Deciding to take a short break from her usual routine of trying to fix everyone else’s problems, she strolled along the hillside, valuing some of her accomplishments.

  It was time she took a few moments for herself. She never took an hour or even a few minutes just to witness and appreciate all her hard labor. Gazing over the landscape, she saw the cliff where she and Aaron had stood and admired her beautiful little heart-leaf plants. She strolled over there and gazed down over the mountainside, which was still covered with plants, but some of them looked like they had broken in half.

  That was weird. She refused to believe it meant she had a broken heart, but who else could cause all that damage? “Must’ve been a rainstorm,” she mused. “Those are pretty sturdy little leaves, but nothing really does well when it’s bombarded with heavy rain.”

  She couldn’t help thinking about Aaron as she gazed out over the plants. She didn’t understand why he would continue refusing her help when she could’ve cut th
rough so many layers of red tape for him. It must be that stupid false pride thing she accidentally injected the male of the species with. She was trying to give them pride in their accomplishments. Instead, she seemed to give them pride to the point of being full of themselves.

  This could have been one of Aaron’s finest accomplishments. She still wanted it to be, but she didn’t dare interfere with the proud American doctor. He would eventually find the things he was looking for if he really wanted to succeed. He said he had to find a place to analyze it, then test it, then document all the side effects he was fearing.

  She really didn’t think there would be any if it was used in its most raw form. Her leaf could just be swirled in a cup of water, and he’d have exactly the right formula without adding anything to it. She recalled the same situation happening with other plants. Ancient people just chewed the leaf or root or dropped the leaf in their drinking water, but not modern man. They had to powder it and grind it and liquefy it and then do all kinds of things to preserve it. Why did they have to interfere with her expertise all the time?

  She really couldn’t continue along this line of thinking. She would just get depressed. So she made up her mind to go talk to Fate about the next date, because she could do this. She could find a person or paranormal to enjoy companionship with. Maybe there was nothing else she could have except a partnership or friendship, but she still longed for a loving relationship. She didn’t need marriage. She would be hard-pressed to come up with a birth certificate. What would it say, anyway? Place of birth: the universe. Date: more than thirteen billion years ago, give or take a million. Yeah, that would go over well with a justice of the peace.

  A little froggy leapt up to her feet. “Ribbit.”

  She folded her arms and looked down at the little coqui. “You didn’t get your kiss on the head?”

  “Ribbit.”

  Well, just in case… What’s one more? She picked up the frog, kissed it on the head, placed it on the ground, and watched it hop away. “That really was a useless exercise.”

  She needed an explanation for this. “Fate?” When her sister didn’t appear, she opened her mouth wider and bellowed “Fate!”