Filth

by Irvine Welsh

  After the meal I signal for the bill. When it arrives Brother Blades gets a little shock.

  – I . . . I . . . don’t believe it . . . my wallet . . . it’s empty . . . I . . . I . . .

  – C’mon Cliff, you don’t expect the ladies to pay!

  – No . . . I . . .

  The dog looks disapproving, but the other, the ride, Annalise her name is, says, – I’ve got money . . .

  – I won’t hear of it! I insist, pulling out Bladesey’s wad and making a big show of paying.

  – I’m ever so sorry . . . I . . . Bladesey stammers.

  As the fanny are getting their coats I whisper to Bladesey, who’s in some distress, – I telt you about these hoors at the Ritz. Criminals can have vaginas as well as penises Bladesey. Right now they’re probably in some shitehoose of a pad in Leith with a cairry-oot of Tennents Super, Babycham and fags, provided by the generosity of one Brother Clifford Blades. I point at him, then put my extended hands on the top of my head to simulate donkey’s ears. – Hee-haw! Hee-haw! I bray at him.

  I run the dog hame, then Bladesey, who is too distressed to realise that she was gantin on it. I’m on the bypass with Annalise. I come off a slip-road and turn on to a country lane. – Where are we going? she asks. She’s a bit concerned but far more intrigued because she’s still smiling. Having flirted all night she won’t want to go home dickless.

  – A short cut, I say, pulling up in a deserted lay-by. – Ken how they call them lay-bys? I ask her, – Cause ye git laid when ye pill up in one.

  – What? she looks worried as the control has been wrested from her.

  – Right doll, stop fuckin aboot, c’ moan: cock it or walk it. That’s the options, I wink.

  – No here . . . she says morosely, – Have you no got a place?

  – You’re no listening Annalise, I tap my lugs. – The cock or the walk are the choices.

  – You mairried? she asks, looking straight at me.

  I ignore her. – What’s it tae be? I insist. There’s a lot of nutters prowling around at night.

  She wisely chooses the first option, although with a bit of reluctance. – Awright then . . . she says, looking intently at me, as if she expects me to say anything else. I pull her to me and push my whisky-saturated tongue into her mouth. As soon as she starts to respond and I feel the lump in my trousers, I gesture at her to get into the back seat.

  We get in and she takes off one of her boots and pulls both her thick tights and knickers down, pulling one leg out of them. I consider trying to get her tits out but she doesn’t look as if she’s got much up there so I decide to head straight for the main course. My finger goes to her fanny, and as I suspected she’s so juiced up I could have gone up to the elbow.

  My flannels and pants are sliding down my thighs, the trapped warm air from the car heater giving the sharp fumes coming from them an extra dig. My cock’s sweaty and my thighs sting, and at one point I think I’m not going to get it in after the distraction of fitting that fuckin condom. I shouldnae have fuckin well bothered. After a couple of duff attempts caused by the lager and the constricted space, I eventually manage to get it up and blow my load after a few strokes. My thighs chaffed badly on her tights and the car upholstery. A long fuck was out of the question in such circumstances. I got a little alcohol-anxious and was just chuffed to get a result.

  Annalise pulls a kleenex from her bag and tensely wipes herself, even though I was wearing a spunk-bag. Mind you, the juice she produced, she’d want to. As I pull off the bag and throw it out the window, I see her quickly pulling on her pants, tights and boots. I’m up with the keks and flannels and we silently move back into the front seats.

  I scarcely look at her again, although I can sense her mood of bitter lamentation as I drive her hame. Bruce Robertson, a gentleman to the last.

  – See you later doll, I wave a fond adieu at her long-coated back as her heels click over the Pilrig paving slabs. She doesn’t look back though.

  Our Cover Is Blown

  The aircraft. Peters and Lee. Lenny Peters was a great aviation singer. Jet plane flying high above me. Rainbow in the sky. But fuck that. I hate planes. All you can sense around you is sterile plane. The food tastes of plane; bland, cold, plastic. The air hostesses smell and look of plane; cool, pristine, fridgid. You just want to fill this environment with as much bawdy flatulence as you can muster. As we’ve had a few jags before getting on the flight, that’s quite a lot.

  So Bladesey and I are pontificating on the nature of arsefucking. That wee hairy last night, I should’ve fucked her up the arse. Mind you, it took me an age tae get it intae her fanny, Christ knows how I’d’ve got it up her chorus and verse! It was a bit of a waste though: tidy fanny ganting on it. I should’ve stayed cool and taken her hame and taken my time. Then I could have fired into her casually for a while. Still, there’s other fish. There’s a stewardess I’d gie one tae, but Bladesey’s on the outside and instead of getting a decko at her bum he’s thumbing through the in-flight journal like the specky wee cunt that he is.

  Bladesey’s problem is that he tries to intellectualise everything. Ye cannae dae that with shagging. It’s either gaun in the hole or it’s no. – Heterosexual anal sex need not actually imply an attitude of misogyny, he says in his whisper. – It’s just a valuefree activity between consenting parties. Yes, there is a cultural misogynistic baggage attached to it, as in the rap lyrics, but it’s essentially neutral. What people attach to it is their concern. I read in one of Bunty’s Cosmos that twenty per cent of heterosexual couples enjoy anal sex, while only fifty per cent of homosexual couples do . . .

  – Eh? I asked, – You’re telling me that half the poofs around dinnae fuck each other up the erse? That sounds shite to me!

  Bladesey looks shifty and panicky. – Keep your voice down Robbo. I’m only telling you what the article says.

  – Listen Bladesey, I don’t believe that for a second. And I’ll tell you something about all those niggers with their fucking rap lyrics, aw that guff about shagging birds and blowing away pigs, it’s just wishful thinking, that’s all.

  – The empowering fantasies of the dispossessed? Bladesey smiles, lowering those specs to the bridge of his nose. He’s a funny cunt alright, is Brother Blades.

  Mind you, he fits in well here, because there’s a right bunch a misfits on this plane. There’s a pair of comedians in front of me, dressed identically in dark blue suits and ties, carrying briefcases. Fuck travelling trussed up like that; what a pair of fuckin dildos.

  I turn to Bladesey. This is my mate for the trip, God help us. I’d better do the best with the shoddy material I’ve got and try and put the sorry fucker right. – Gangster rap is fuckin bollocks. Gangsters my hole, it’s a fuckin con job. If yir a real gangster the last thing ye dae is hing oot in a recording studio. Did Al Capone spend time in a recording studio? Did he fuck! He spent time being a gangster. Just wait till they get rap in Scotland. Every daft wee cunt who attended two or three matches at Easter Road wi a couple ay casual’ll be making rap records then.

  – But surely those chaps in America that got shot, they must have had mob connections?

  – Maybe they did. But the truth is, it’s we so-called pigs who offed the coons. When I was in the Met it was open season on the darkies. Same in New South Wales. Abos and Pakis were fair game to us. If you had a scoreboard with a tally of pigs versus niggers offed, we’d be well ahead. As for shagging, I read somewhere that white birds are ten times more likely to give blow jobs than black women. So all that rap shite is just nig-bo fantasy.

  – Unless it’s white women that are performing for them, Bladesey laughs.

  This gets my fuckin goat. – Only a slag that’s not right in the head, that’s sick and diseased would look at a darkie, I tell him.

  – But you’ve, eh, enjoyed liaisons with ladies from different racial backgrounds, Bladesey whispers.

  I clock the stewardess and gesture for another whisky. If you drink whisky you’ll
never get worms. Burn out the enemy within. – I’ve fucked hoors of different colours. That’s different Bladesey; we’re talking about the unalienable right of the Scotsman abroad: to fuck hoors up the arsehole! We’re a dispersed race. Slàinte! I raise my glass.

  – Do you mind?

  A voice coming from behind me. I turn to see a Brylcreemed cunt with prominent teeth.

  – What? I say, staring at him.

  – If you must talk such filth, I’d appreciate it if you lowered your voice. There’s women and bairns can hear you . . . he nods to a furtive looking wee lassie and an embarrassed wifie.

  Filth? Ah’ll gie the cunt fucking filth. Cunt’s never fucking well seen filth yit. – Are you asking me or telling me? I say to him.

  – What? he says.

  – Terry, the woman says, tugging at his sleeve.

  – Eh Bruce . . . I think actually eh . . . Bladesey’s shiting it.

  – Are you asking me or telling me? I repeat slowly and emphatically.

  – I’m asking politely . . . but if you don’t keep it down I’ll get the stewardess . . .

  I smile and shrug. – Fine. Sorry if we gave any offence. Just as long as you’re asking me.

  I turn round and grip the armrest until my knuckles go white. – I’ll show that cunt, I hiss at Bladesey. – Mark my words Brother Blades.

  – Leave it Bruce . . .

  The remainder of the flight is uneventful and we touch down in Brussels. Bladesey and I have an hour to kill before the connecting flight to Schipol. I change some cash and hit the bar to get in a couple of pints of Stella. You feel like a millionaire with those Belgian francs but they’re worth fuck all.

  I see that those suit and tie spastics who were in front of us on the plane have sat down and are having a beer.

  Then I clock that greasy lippy cunt, the arsehole that pulled me up on the plane, Mister Happy Families. He’s on his own, heading for a pish. I get up.

  – Where are you going? Bladesey asks, a little alarmed.

  – Business, I tell him. He raises an eyebrow in exasperation.

  I follow the wise cunt into the toilets. It’s just me and him. I let him pish and shake it out before he turns to face me. He looks puzzled for a moment, then his face contorts in recognition. – You . . . he sneers, dropping his hands by his side. – If you want trouble . . .

  A bit of a cowboy this cunt. Good.

  – I can assure you sir, that the last thing I want is trouble. I want the opportunity to explain myself to you. I pull out my ID. – Detective Inspector Robertson, Edinburgh and Lothians Police, I say quickly. Well, I will be an inspector soon.

  – What’s this? he says with a slight panic in his voice.

  – Sir, I’m torn between wringing your neck and shaking your hand. Shaking your hand because I’m a family man myself and you were right to object to my crude and disgusting talk. Wringing your neck because I was working undercover in conjunction with my Dutch colleagues. My foul conversation was an attempt to draw in the two men sitting in front of me. Do you know anything about child pornography sir?

  He nods uncomprehendingly.

  – Snuff videos? I enquire.

  – No . . . I . . .

  – When little children disappear off the streets in Britain, they spend the last few hours of their miserable lives being abused and tortured in deserted warehouses and barns. This is video’d for the porn trade on the continent; Amsterdam, Hamburg etcetera. That’s where those beasts in front of me were heading with their wares.

  – You mean . . . those gents in the suits were . . .

  I nod sombrely. – We planned to try and engage with those monsters to uncover their operation. We had to resort to that filthy talk in order to try to get on to their wavelength, to make contact. I could see they were almost ready to communicate with us, when, all of a sudden, a well-meaning but misguided member of the public comes along . . .

  The idiot stands and looks at me for a bit. – Oh my God . . . what have I done Inspector . . .

  – You’ve not helped our cause, it has to be said.

  – Is there anything I can do to help? Anything!

  – Sir, I came here to apologise to you as a husband and a parent for my language on the plane. The language I was forced to use in this investigation. I’m not asking for any assistance in a police matter. I want you to know that I hated talking like that, especially in front of your wife and child, but if you’d seen those videos, seen how those children are debased, made to suffer . . . I’ve been on the force for a good many years. I just feel so strongly that these bastards should be nailed. I’ll do anything to get them!

  – I want to help. Please Inspector . . .

  – There is one thing you can perhaps do . . . no, I can’t ask you, it’s outrageous.

  – No, I insist! I should have thought!

  – You weren’t to know sir, I shake my head.

  – Yes . . . but I caused your cover to be blown.

  – The situation is not irretrievable. We can still get them.

  – Yes, and I want to help!

  I raise my eyebrows and exhale. Another guy comes into the toilet, so I pull my man over to the wash basins and lower my voice. – Listen, you’re obviously a good citizen sir, but this is high risk. What happened on the plane made me the centre of their attention. What has to happen is another altercation of some sort. Sir, I’m asking you to go into that bar and noise the bastards up. Call them for everything, tell the whole world what they are. Then they’ll be ruffled, furtive and looking for friends. I’ll be on hand to befriend them. Their cover will be blown and they’ll get careless, I smile grimly, looking at my friend in the eye. – Have you got the bottle for it sir?

  – Oh, don’t you worry about that Inspector. I’ve got the bottle alright. I’ll show that inhuman scum what it’s all about!

  I go with the guy into the bar. I see the businessmen sitting having a drink. I stand back and saunter away over to the newsstand outside the bookstore and watch from behind it. The wee bastard goes right up to their table and leans over, resting his knuckles on it.

  – How’s business? he asks.

  – What?

  – I’m asking you how your sick business is, you filthy pair of animals! How is it then? The greasy wee cunt booms at the businessmen, – Eh? The pair of youse! Oh aye, I know your game!

  – What is this . . . what do you want . . .? one of the guys asks. Everyone’s looking round.

  – I know what you dirty bastards are up to!

  The guy’s wife comes over, – Terry, she screams, – what’s wrong?

  – I do not know what this is. Who is this man? One of the suits looks petrified with shock.

  – These people, he spits out, – are dirty sleazy bastards . . .

  – I don’t know what you are talking about . . . we are on business . . .

  – Oh is that what you call it? Is that what you call making those fucking videos? Porn merchants! CHILD PORNOGRAPHERS! He’s looking around and pointing to the two businessmen. Then he grabs one of the guys by the lapels and the other stands up and pushes him. Two security guys are over in a flash and they overpower the spazwit and lead him away, arm up the back, polis-style.

  – Terry! his wife screams. He turns to her and briefly catches my eye and pleads, – That man will tell you, he’s a police officer . . .

  – I’m sorry, I say to one of the guards, – this guy’s a bit of a nutter. He started on me on the plane. He seems a mite confused, I tap my head.

  Airport security drag the protesting, bemused clown away, as his shocked wife follows with the child who is now screaming. Bladesey comes over trying to figure it out.

  – No time to lose Brother Blades, it’s time for our connecting flight to the Dam, I tell him. – You know Bladesey, there’s some right fuckin nutters about.

  Cok City

  We’ve checked into the Cok City Hotel which is in Newzuids-voorburgwal, Amsterdam’s second red-light district, handy
for hoors if you’re too lazy to cross the Damrak. I’m not though, and I soon give Bladesey the slip and head out exploring. Serious hooring is a solitary activity.

  It’s too cauld for shoes, especially slip-ons, but you have to be dressed for hooring and you cannae be daein with the excruciating hassle of lace-up boots. In spite of the chill, just the sound and feel of my soles on the cobblestones of the canal streets is enough to give me a semi.

  I’ve gone into a cinema and paid for a hi-tech booth. The green light is off and the red light is on. I’m snug. It’s not too bad, the film, a sci-fi effort about two extraterrestrial space-dykes who kidnap nubile virgin schoolies from an American town; from schools, discos, outside shopping centres etc, and condition them into lesbianism through forcing them into repeated sex acts. The long-term plan of the crafty alien dykes is to make men superflous and Earth into a lesbian planet, ruled, of course, by them. A stud detective and his crew of sexual athletes have to save the young schoolies from carpet munching and bring them back over to the right side, through the power of their cocks. Eventually, after fucking the schoolies back into heterosexuality the ace detective faces his greatest challenge in a conflict with the superpowered cosmic lesbos. He has to bring them over to the other side. It turns out to be a happy ending for all. The dyke spacegirls find out that they love cock, but the cop admits that lesbianism is a turn-on for men, provided the women are good-looking and they can watch. So they decide to join forces and exterminate all homosexual men.

  Quite a sound movie, and it’s good to see a film so politically correct. I can relate. The schoolies are all hot and the spacedykes pretty fuckin superb. I’m tempted to have a wank, but I need to keep a full tank for the serious business of hooring.

  So I’m window shopping for a suitable prossy in the red-light district. Round by the Old Kirk it’s all fat black mamas and that’s no good to me at the moment. Then I come across an alley full of Thai girls, some with long pinched faces who are obviously rebuilt boys. Right now though, it has to be premium-priced caucasian minge after that video. Blonde as well, like in the film.