by Dixon, Ruby
"The ceremony was absolutely lovely," I tell him with a smile. "I feel twice as mated to you."
"And it was…what you wanted?" The look he gives me is searching.
Since he brought it up… "Dagesh, it was a gorgeous ceremony and it made me happy to feel so loved and have everyone celebrating our union. Where did you get the idea that I wanted a Jewish wedding, though?" I smile to take the sting out of my words. I don't want to sound accusing, because it was a lovely, thoughtful gesture. It's just that I don't talk religion with my mate. It's always been personal to me, and they don't have the same belief systems we do here. I'm not sure they have much of one at all, other than they join with the universe after death or something.
Dagesh doesn't know anything about being Jewish. Or weddings. I'm just curious who filled his head with the idea that I needed one.
He searches my face. "I want you to be happy with me."
"I am happy—"
"No," my mate says. "You have said before that there is something that holds you back. Something you need. I think it is this yoo-ish wedding, and so I ask others to help me make you happy." He takes my hands and brings them to his mouth, kissing my knuckles. "I can feel it when we are together, in the furs. You draw away from me in your mind. Is it because we were not mated properly in the eyes of your people?"
Oh boy. We had this conversation once and he made me feel like a degenerate for even asking for more in bed. But if he's noticed that I'm not as…into sex as he is, we need to have the conversation at some point. I steel myself for a moment, taking a deep breath, and then speak. "Dagesh, baby, when I said I wanted something you couldn't give me…I didn't mean a wedding."
"What was it, then?" He looks crushed. Absolutely crushed that he went to so much effort only for it to not be what I needed.
I feel like such an ass. I pull my hands from his, pacing. "It's just…something in bed." How do I explain this without sending my poor alien mate running for the hills? I think for a moment. "You know how with the trail cakes? How some people really like the food super, super spicy and others like them…uh, not spicy?"
I wanted to say “bland” or “normal,” but those two words would have such bad connotations in this conversation.
He watches me intently, and nods. "Humans do not like the spice that sa-khui tongues do."
"Right. Okay. Now let's take that thought and apply it to sex. Some people like it…spicy." I give him an encouraging look.
Dagesh blinks. "You want food when we mate?"
Oh yeah, this is going so great. "No. Babe. I'm saying that I need a little something…more when we have sex. Something that maybe the others don't when they have sex. For it to be what I need, it has to be…more."
"More what?"
I bite my lip, because I know he won't understand. Best to just rip the band-aid off quickly. "I need you to hurt me."
His eyes widen and he looks slightly aghast, just like he did when he bruised me before and I loved it. "You what?"
"I like rough sex," I say bluntly. "I'm fine with regular, vanilla sex, but…it's just okay for me. It doesn't hit all the cravings I have. It's just…nice." I'm on the verge of tears, because it feels as if I'm stabbing my sweet, wonderful mate in the heart. "It's not your fault, babe. I mean it when I say it's not your fault. It's just that…for me to truly, truly get off, I need you to be rougher with me."
Dagesh looks at me with wounded eyes. "You want me to harm you?"
"I know," I say dully. "You don't do that. It's wrong of me to even ask you. It's not your thing. But…you asked what I needed. And…it's not a wedding."
"You need me to…make you suffer." He says the words as if he's the one suffering.
I shake my head. "It's…it's not like that. It's a kink. Some people like sex from behind. I like my hair pulled or my ass slapped or when you get really rough with me. It's not that I want to be in pain. It's just…it's hard to describe when you look at me like that." A hot tear slips down my cheek. I feel so stupidly exposed and yet I know I'm doing him a disservice, because I'm having a difficult time talking about it. "I don't know how to make you understand."
"My No-rah," Dagesh says in a soft voice. "You have my heart. I have never been so happy in my life as I have been in these last hands of days when we mated. But I cannot hurt you. It goes against everything that I am."
"I know," I say sadly. "Trust me, you already made that really clear. I'm trying to be happy without it. I really am." I smile brightly at him. "It's just sex, right? It doesn't change how I feel about you. That's why I didn't say anything. And I was hoping that maybe in time, I wouldn't need that feeling anymore."
"But you still need it now?" he asks.
I think. Do I? I imagine my mate shoving me down into the furs and holding me down as he fucks me roughly, and it sends a hot tremor through me. Oh yeah. I still need it. I nod.
Dagesh runs a hand down his face. "I…I must think."
"It's okay if you can't give me what I need," I tell him softly. "Not everyone likes that kind of thing." In the past, if I was dating someone that wasn't into what I wanted, we'd just go our separate ways. We'd break up when the sex was no longer doing it for either one of us, and that would be the end of it. But I've never felt for anyone like I feel for Dagesh. I've never wanted someone to change in bed for me.
And I want it now, and that's wrong. I know it's wrong. So I say nothing, because what is there to say?
Dagesh watches me, his heart in his eyes. He rubs his face again, then turns and leaves our cave, pulling the screen behind him once more. Giving me privacy. I know he needs to think about what I've told him. I know he needs to process it.
It still hurts, though.
14
DAGESH
The moment I exit my cave, I am thrown back into the festivities.
The festivities that my mate did not want…because she was not sad about yoo-ish weddings. She was sad because she does not like our matings. She is sad because she wants to be hurt when we mate and I am too gentle with her. The thought makes my gut clench. How can I hurt my mate?
How can I do anything to harm her? It goes against everything that I am. A mate should be cherished and adored. I think about our first mating, when she came so hard I felt her ripple around my cock and clench around me so tightly. I have not felt that again…because I bruised her in that first mating and was ashamed. I have been careful ever since.
Too careful, it seems.
My heart hurts. I smile as the chief and his mate wave at me, but I do not approach them.
I need to think. I cannot think with everyone passing sah-sah around and laughing as if they have not a care in the world. My world feels as if it is tumbling to pieces around me. How did I not notice this before? Am I so blind to my mate's happiness? I knew something bothered her, but I did not think it was our matings.
She wants me to…harm her.
I shudder, tugging on my long braid as if it will somehow help me clear my mind. I head for the cave entrance, needing air. I need to draw a few deep breaths to calm myself. I step outside, and the air changes from over-warm to briskly cold. Good. I need this. I take a few more steps into the snow and suck down deep breaths, willing myself to calm down. To think about No-rah.
I have said I would do anything for her…but I am not sure I can do this. I look down at my hands. They are so much bigger than her small ones, and I could easily crush her underneath me. The thought makes my stomach clench miserably again.
"You okay?"
The voice is small, timid and female. I glance over and see one of the human females—an unmated one—sitting on a rock outside. She has a large fur bundled around her shoulders to keep her warm, and when she offers me a faint smile, I try to recall her name. She is a chatty one, I think. The one that had a broken leg when we rescued them and talked to Haeden as he carried her, making him so utterly annoyed that he could not wait to get away from her.
"Yo-see?" I ask?
"Close e
nough," the female says. "Josie." She lifts her chin at me. "You don't look happy. Is everything okay?"
"I am well, Jo-see," I say automatically, and then laugh harshly at my own lie. "No, I am not well. I am miserable."
"Oh." Her quiet answer hangs in the air between us. "Do you…need to talk to someone?"
"I do not know." I move toward the rock where she sits, tugging on my braid again. "Why are you out here?"
"You're not the only one miserable tonight." She gives me a faint smile. "I'm a little envious of the wedding. Okay, a lot envious. It was sweet and beautiful and I worry I won't ever have a mate. So I'm moping to myself out here in the cold when I should be in there partying. That's my big secret." The smile on her face does not reach her glowing eyes. "You won't tell anyone?"
I shake my head.
"Cool. I don't want Nora feeling I'm not happy for her. For you both. I really am. I'm just…sad for me."
"You will resonate soon," I promise her, not knowing what else to say.
"No." Jo-see sighs. "I don't think I will." She studies me as I move to stand near her. "I have to admit I'm kinda surprised to see you out here, though, given that you're the happy groom. Did you and Nora fight? Before you answer, you should know she absolutely loves you to pieces. You're all she talks about and she's so happy." That wistful expression crosses her face again.
I groan and sink to my knees in the snow, burying my face in my hands.
Jo-see is quiet for a moment. "Did…did I say something wrong?"
I glance over at her. She is young, this female. No-rah says they are all around the same age, but this one seems younger than my practical, smart-mouthed mate. "Do you know much of human mating?"
"More than I ever wanted." She lets out a bitter laugh. "Water under the bridge though, right?"
I do not know what a bridge is, but I suspect it does not matter. I am desperate to talk to someone about No-rah and perhaps this Jo-see will have ideas of what I can do. "No-rah has told me something and I do not know what to think."
"Oh?"
I try to think of how to say it without making it sound strange, but it all seems strange to my ears. "No-rah has told me she likes…a certain kind of mating."
"Like butt stuff?"
I pause, confused. "Butt…stuff?"
Jo-see nods. "You know. The dark hole. The wrong door." Her voice drops into a whisper. "The brown star. Some girls are into that."
I stare at her, trying to follow what she mentions. The wrong…oh. Heat flushes through me, and of course, now I am picturing my mate below me as I stuff my cock into her backside. It is a strange visual, but an enticing one. "She did not mention that to me. Humans do that?"
"Oh, my friend, humans do everything." Jo-see chuckles. "So what was it that's got you so rattled if not butt stuff?"
I tug on my braid again. "She…she has said she wishes for me to be rough with her when we mate."
"Okay. And?"
I frown over at the small human. "There is no 'and.' That is the problem! I do not want to be rough with her!" I grit my teeth, burying my face in my hands again. "She is small and delicate. I do not want to hurt her."
"Buddy, it's okay." Jo-see pats my shoulder. "You're freaking out over nothing. Look. Humans like to do a lot of crazy stuff, some more crazy than others."
I sneak a glance over at her. "You have done this?" I am shocked. Jo-see is even more delicate than No-rah. "How did your human mate not break you?"
Jo-see just giggles. She glances around and turns toward me, leaning in. "I had an ex that was into it. We didn't date long, but yeah, I've done that sort of thing." She shrugs. "It's not that weird. People like what they like in bed. I'm not going to judge."
"Hurting my mate is wrong." I shake my head. "I should be cherishing her, not hurting her."
She is quiet, and I look over at her again. Jo-see's lips are pursed and she studies me hard, as if she is trying to figure me out. "Here's the thing, Dagesh." She mangles my name but continues on. "It's not that she wants you to drop your pants and then beat the shit out of her. Ask her what she likes. Ask her what turns her on. Maybe it's not your thing, but maybe you guys can meet in the middle of that's what she needs."
"But—I cannot—"
"It's about consent, dude." Jo-see reaches over and pats my shoulder again. "I'm glad you think it's wrong to hurt your mate. That puts you leagues ahead of a lot of humans. But here's the thing. It's about consent. If you're in bed and Nora says 'Will you please spank me' and you spank her, then you're giving her what she needs. If you show up and smack her in the face for no reason, she didn't consent to that. Does that make sense?"
In a way, it does. "So I should only hurt her when she asks for it?" I am still baffled by the concept of hurting my mate—willingly harming her—but what Jo-see says is also logical.
"Right. It's about consent. Nora will set boundaries with you as to what she wants. You just need to talk with her and establish how things are going to go. It's like…" She thinks for a moment. "It's almost like choreography. Not that you know what that is." She taps her chin with a small finger. "Okay, it's like…you're planning it all ahead, if that makes sense, so the other partner isn't worried. And if you're too rough with her she'll let you know. And if you're worried she won't like something, ask permission."
"Ask permission," I repeat. This makes sense. It is not about hurting my mate because I am angry. It is about giving her what she needs, as Jo-see said.
"Absolutely ask permission. She'll give you a safe word, too, but that's a conversation you should have with her."
I consider this. It still feels wrong, the thought of harming my mate. But if it is as Jo-see says, if it is what she needs, why can I not be the one to give it to her? "May I ask you something, Jo-see?"
"Sure."
"What if I do not like it?"
She smiles. "If you don’t want to do it, you don’t have to. Nora wouldn’t want you doing something you find unpleasant. Consent goes both ways.”
I nod.
“And think about it. How do you know you won't? From my experience, a lot of the time it's about control and heightening emotions rather than actually someone beating the crap out of you. A little pain—or a little domination—just adds an edge to everything."
I envision putting my hands on No-rah's soft skin. I remember the bruises I left before and feel sick. "I do not know if I can do this."
"You didn't know you liked kissing until you tried it," Jo-see points out. "It's not a sa-khui thing, right? But everyone's kissing everywhere I turn nowadays, so it can't be that bad."
I stare at her. Jo-see is right. When Vektal first told us of mouth-matings, I did not know what to think. It seemed bizarre to stick tongues into each other's mouths, and yet…it is one of my favorite things to do now. Maybe mating No-rah in the way she wants will be one of my favorite things, too.
The female laughs at my expression, patting my shoulder again. "It's just sex, buddy."
It is more than that. I worry if I do not please my No-rah, I will not be able to keep her. And I worry that if I do as she asks, I will no longer be myself. I will be a thing of loathing—a male that beats his mate. "I do not know what to do."
"I know what you should do," Jo-see says briskly. "Quit talking to me and go in there and talk to your mate. Have an open conversation about what she needs and how to establish consent. Isn't she worth at least trying it out?"
She is. No-rah is worth everything. I get to my feet. "You have my thanks for this conversation, Jo-see."
"Hope it helps." The female waves. "I'm going to stay out here for a while longer. I think all the happiness inside is giving me heartburn."
Another strange human saying. Her chest is not on fire. I nod and gaze at the entrance to the cave. I can hear laugher and the sound of drums. Somewhere in there, No-rah is waiting for me in our cave. The moment I step inside, she will look at me with such worry in her eyes…
I turn and walk out into the night in
stead of returning to my mate. I need a bit longer to think.
15
NORA
Some wedding night.
I curl up in the furs and weep, miserable and frustrated. Every time I think of my mate, I think of the look of sheer horror and downright revulsion on Dagesh's face when I told him what I needed. No matter how I phrase it, he's appalled by the idea. It makes me feel like a freak. Like I'm wrong for liking what I like.
Why did I even say anything? I should have just smiled and thanked him for the wedding. It was thoughtful and so very sweet. That's Dagesh, of course. He's always thoughtful and hard-working. He really is the best of guys. I feel lucky to have him. I adore him. Absolutely adore. Love. It's just this one damn snag in our otherwise perfect relationship.
I should have never brought it up. He's made it clear he doesn't swing that way, and he's not going to, no matter how often I bring it up, so I'm just torturing myself.
With a new round of tears, I cry myself to sleep.
It feels as if I've barely closed my eyes when a warm hand brushes against my cheek. Sleepy, I pry my eyelids open with a yawn and look over. Dagesh sits next to me at the edge of our furs-strewn bed, his legs crossed. His braid is wind-disheveled and the strands are damp, probably from a snowy breeze. His horns have a bit of ice crusting them, and his expression is thoughtful as he touches my cheek. "I did not wish to wake you," he murmurs. "But I could not resist touching you."
"You can always touch me," I tell him, tucking a hand under my cheek to watch him. "Are you…okay?"
"I am a bad mate," Dagesh says softly, his finger stroking my cheek again. "I made you cry."
"You're a wonderful mate. It wasn't your fault. I shouldn't have said anything."