by Dixon, Ruby
"No, you should have." He skims his finger along my jaw. "If something bothers you, we should speak of it. There must be no secrets between us."
Easier said than done, especially if your secret is bound to make your mate miserable. I don't point that out, though. I just watch him, since he keeps staring at me so very thoughtfully. Is he…going to break up with me, I wonder? What happens in that situation? I know the sa-khui have the concept of pleasure-mates, but that goes out the door once resonance kicks in. The only unhappy resonated couple I've seen are Hemalo and Asha, and I've been told there's a lot of messy history there.
"Where did you go?" I ask, reaching out and touching the damp tip of his long braid.
"I walked to gather my thoughts."
"Ah." I'm afraid to ask. I'm really afraid to ask.
Dagesh is quiet. The moments seem to tick past like hours, and I worry he's steeling himself for something awful. Finally, he speaks. "May I ask you something?"
"Of course. I'm your mate. You can ask me anything."
"How did you know this was what you liked?" He gestures at the furs. "This roughness?"
Oh. I sit up, the furs falling from my body. I'm wearing one of his heavy tunics, one that he rarely wears because the cold doesn't bother him like it does me. It smells like him, and wearing it makes me feel closer to my mate. His gaze moves to my body and I know he notices what I'm wearing, too. "Well, I didn't at first. But sex was not all that exciting for a long time. Then I met a guy that was in the lifestyle—that's what they call it back on Earth—and it was like a piece of the puzzle slid into place.
Dagesh looks surprised. "Then our mating was not your first time?"
"Not at all. I had my first time when I was fifteen. Young, but I was a bit of a teenage hellion." I give him an awkward smile. "I've had several relationships since then." I bite my lip, worried he's going to be jealous or upset. "You thought it was my first time? Are you disappointed?"
His shoulder slump. "Relieved. When we first came together, I thought…I was rough with you. I thought I hurt you. I was upset with myself for not being more attentive to your needs."
I lean forward, putting my hand on his knee. "I loved being with you like that. Was it a little rough? Yes. Did it bother me? Not at all."
"I bruised you."
I chuckle at that and extend my arm. "See this? I bruised myself earlier when I stumbled while picking berries. And yesterday I bruised here." I point at a different spot on my arm. "This was because I smacked my elbow against the cave wall. I bruise, Dagesh. I bruise at everything. It's not because you hurt me. That's just how my body works." I shrug. "And if something gets painful enough, I go see Maylak and ask her to heal it. It's really not a big deal."
My mate licks his lips. He takes my wrist in his and then runs his thumb lightly over my lower bruise. "Hurting you goes against everything I believe a good mate does. But I spoke with Jo-see and she said it is not about hurting, it is about consent."
I'm startled to hear the words coming from him. Josie talked to him about consent?
Oh mercy, I could kiss her right about now.
There's a knot of hope and worry forming in my throat. I swallow hard. "Consent is the biggest part of it. It's knowing the other person's boundaries. What feels good for them versus what is too much."
"And what feels good for you?" He studies me so very intently.
"I like…" I want to laugh, because what I like is so very tame in a lot of kink communities, and yet he's panicking at hurting me. "I like being dominated. I like it when you're rough with me. I like hair pulling and spankings. I like it when you take your pleasure instead of giving it. I like it when you boss me around and bend me to your will."
Dagesh puts his hand in my hair, gripping a handful of it, and I hold my breath. He pauses and then releases me again. "Jo-see said we should have a word."
She really is the best. I make a mental note to do something special for her. "Yes, most couples have a word. It's one you don't normally say in conversation, because if we're playing together and I say 'stop,' sometimes it doesn't mean stop. It means I'm playing at wanting you to stop. But if I say the random word we've established, like 'bicycle,' then you know that I'm not having fun anymore and it's our cue to pause things. Does that make sense?"
He nods, and his expression is so very serious. "What is your word, then?"
My heart flutters with hope. "You don't have to do this if you don't want to, Dagesh—"
"If I do not do this," my mate says, "I will not make you happy. More than anything, I want my mate to be happy. So we will do this." He pauses. "Do I get a word, too? In case it is too much for me?"
My heart feels like it's cracking in my chest. I sit up and cup his face in my hands, kissing him. "You can absolutely have a word, babe. I think that's a wonderful idea."
He kisses me back, nipping lightly at my mouth. "I worry I will not be good at this."
"We can try. That's all I ask." I press my lips to his hungrily. "Trying is more than I ever hoped for."
Big hands roam over my body and then settle on my hair. "What is your word?" Dagesh asks in a soft, serious voice that sends shivers up my spine. "Tell me so I can begin."
I think for a moment, though it's hard to concentrate when he's touching me, when I'm getting turned on just by the thought that we're about to actually give this a try. His hand is in my hair and I'm waiting for him to give it a firm tug. Not a yank, but a nice, hard tug to let me know he's the boss. A word. A safe word. In the past, my word was “bicycle,” but he won't know what that is, and it's important to me that I'm not talking around him. "It has to be something we wouldn't bring up in bed. How about 'Earth'?"
Dagesh nods solemnly. "I will remember."
"What's your word, then?"
He considers. "Mine is 'Pashov.'"
I giggle in surprise. "What?"
He shrugs, and a hint of a smile curves his beautiful mouth. "I do not wish to think of him when I am in the furs with you."
I giggle even harder, because, well, there's no reason a safe word can't be someone else's name. It just strikes me as incredibly funny, though, and I keep laughing. Maybe it's the tension of the day, but when Dagesh pulls me into his arms, I slide a hand to the back of his neck, chuckling, and snuggle close. In this moment in time, I'm intensely, utterly happy.
Dagesh's big hand slides into my hair again, and then he grips it tight.
I suck in a breath.
"How do we begin?" he asks, voice soft, and my head is pinned in place.
I bite back a whimper of arousal. "That…that's a pretty good start."
He tilts his head, studying my reaction. "And you will tell me if I am too rough? Or not rough enough?"
I try to nod, but my head remains locked in his grasp. I'm powerless, and the feeling of it makes me shudder with need. "Yes, Dagesh."
He continues to watch me with hooded eyes, as if assessing my reaction. He reaches under the tunic and cups my pussy—and I'm utterly drenched. My big alien mate growls with pleasure. "This pleases you?"
"Fuck, yes," I breathe. This is what I've wanted all along.
Dagesh leans in and skims his lips along my jaw. He holds me tightly in place, my head tilted so I can't see his expression. I feel teeth, though—he grazes them over my skin and I moan.
"Can I bite you?" he asks, voice low and husky.
Okay, talking about rough sex might be almost as fun as actual rough sex. Just the fact that he's asking is making me wild. "Please."
He bites down on my neck, at the slope where my shoulder meets, and he bites down hard. I suck in a shocked breath, startled at how powerful his bite was…and how much heat it sent through me. I whimper in distress, and he stiffens against me, lifting his head. "Too hard?"
"I didn't use my word," I pant.
Dagesh mulls this. "No, you did not." His hand tightens in my hair and then he bites down on my neck again, teeth grazing hard against my throat. I gasp, and he licks at the spot he bit, his to
ngue moving in lazy circles over my stinging skin. He lifts his head, considering. "I am marking you."
"I don't care."
My mate studies me. "You like biting. What other things do you like?"
"Do what you want with me," I tell him.
"This is not about what I want. It is about what you want," he reminds me.
Somehow hearing that doesn't make me happy. He makes it sound like it's all me, like he's servicing me. Like he's only tolerating it because he knows I need it. "But I need you to want it, too, Dagesh." When he doesn't respond, I push at his chest. "Maybe this was a mistake—"
His big hand tightens harder in my hair. He bites me on the throat again, his teeth digging in. He bears me down to the furs, one big hand roaming over my body as I'm pinned under him. "I am not going to lose you," he growls against my skin. He shoves the tunic up around my waist, then pushes my legs apart.
Oh yes. Oh yes. I begin to pant as he moves over me, tearing at his loincloth. He shoves one of my legs up, exposing me wide. Oh yes.
And then, my mate pauses. He shakes his head and rolls away. "Pashov."
Oh no. Oh no no no.
I sit up, reaching over to touch his shoulder. "Are you okay, babe?"
"It did not…feel right." He shakes his head, then tugs on his long braid. "It felt…"
I can guess. It felt like he was forcing me. He's not into the moment, like he was before. His mind is still freaking out on him. My poor, sweet mate. He's trying so hard to make me happy. I press my cheek to his shoulder. "Thank you for trying, love. It's a process, you know? It doesn't have to be overnight."
The look he gives me is tortured. "I am trying to be the male you need me to be."
"You already are," I say softly. I hate that this is making him feel like less. That he feels like he's messing things up. I reach for him. "Come to bed."
"But you…and me…"
"We can just snuggle if you want?" I offer, and hold my arms out.
Dagesh turns and nods. We settle into the furs, my arms around him, his head pressing against my breasts. As he drifts to sleep, I stroke his hair and his horns, thinking. He's so worried about hurting me that he can't lose himself in the moment. I need to somehow get him in that moment with me, to where he forgets all about his boundaries and just focuses on taking what he wants.
We'll get there. Eventually.
His hand twitches on my waist, and I realize he's still awake. "Dagesh? Can you not sleep?"
He holds me a little tighter. "It is nothing."
I skim my fingers over his jaw. "What's nothing? Talk to me." When he's silent, I press on. "Come on. A secret for a secret. Tell me yours and I'll tell you mine."
I mean, I'll have to come up with a “secret” but sure. Right now, I'm more interested in hearing what's going on in that head of his. What's worrying him so much that it's keeping him awake.
"It is not really a secret," Dagesh admits.
"Then spit it out."
He chuckles, then falls silent again. I think he's not going to answer me at all, and then he finally speaks. "Not all of me can go to sleep."
I chuckle at that. "Poor baby. Is your dick so hard it's bothering you?" I stroke his velvety skin, touching him everywhere I can reach. "You want some help with that?"
"But you do not enjoy matings…not like that." He lifts his head and gazes down at me, worry written across his features. "And I am not sure—"
I press a finger to his lips, quieting him. He's overthinking everything. "It can just be about you this time, you know."
"How?" His lips move against my finger.
I sit up and press my hand to his shoulder. "Get on your back for me, and I'll show you."
Dagesh does, and I can see his cock in the darkness, stiff as could be. He must have been holding back so he wouldn't rub it against my leg and give himself away. No wonder he can't sleep. I gaze down at my big, vulnerable mate, and I'm filled with such love for him. He's trying. He's really trying. And me, I haven't tried nearly as hard, have I? I realize I've never gone down on him. Part of me just kept hoping he'd lose control or start barking orders while in bed, and I never took any kind of initiative to pleasure my mate.
If our sex has been…not bad, but not great…it's partially my fault, too. I haven't been clear with what I needed, despite knowing that he was a virgin and inexperienced. It's time for me to quit feeling sorry for myself and go about fixing things with my mate before I mess everything up.
I lean over him and kiss his mouth lightly. "You lay back, all right?"
"I am already on my back."
I giggle at his obviousness. "Well, stay there. And you can't touch me, unless it's to pull on my hair, all right?"
He hesitates. "I am not sure…"
Does he think I'm going to try and pressure him into something he doesn't want? "Just trust me, all right? I promise you'll like this."
Dagesh nods, his eyes glowing in the darkness.
I smile and kiss him again, my tongue flicking against his in a tease. He kisses me back, all hunger and yearning, and for a moment, I'm lost in his lips, letting the world ebb away. There's nothing but the two of us in the darkness, together. When I end the kiss, I move lower, pressing my lips to his chest. His khui is humming, the song gentle and affectionate, the satisfied purr of a man with his mate. It's such a different song than the one from before that was all urgency, and I press a kiss over his heart, as if I can reassure his khui that he's in good hands.
And then I kiss lower. I trail my lips down his hard abdomen, scooting my body down in the furs as I go. To think that I've waited weeks to get my mouth on my mate like this. All of our matings have been for the most part, missionary style and quick. I've never been one to prolong things because I'm greedy in bed, but it's clear I've been going about all of this all wrong. Instead of demanding from my mate what I need, I should have been showing him all this time.
I'm such an idiot sometimes.
"Remember," I tell him in a husky whisper. "No touching unless you want to grab my hair."
I kiss even lower, teasing my mouth over his obliques and skirting wide around his cock deliberately. I want to tease a bit more before I go in for the kill. I can hear Dagesh's breathing speed up, and his tail twitches on the furs next to his thigh. I know he likes it stroked, and so I take it in one hand, rubbing my thumb on the underside as I kiss the inside of his thigh.
My mate groans. His hand twitches, lifts, and then returns to the furs. It's a good sign, though. He will pull my hair, damn it.
I nibble at the soft skin on the insides of his thighs, rubbing his tail as I do.
"No-rah." His breath is ragged. "Are you going to touch my cock?"
"Oh yeah," I purr. "I absolutely am." I figure I've done enough teasing for now, and grasp his length with one hand. I love how magnificent he is here. He's at least nine or ten inches of hard, ridged cock, so thick around that my fingers don't touch. Maybe he'd be far too much for a lot of girls, but I fucking love how gargantuan he is. I run my thumb over the thick ridges, then work his foreskin over them until my hand is gliding back and forth in quick, efficient strokes. "Does that feel good?"
"Yes," he groans, his eyes closed tight. His hands fist in the blankets.
"Do you want more?" I ask sweetly, loving this torture of my big, delicious mate.
He groans again, and the sound might be a yes.
"Well then," I tease, dragging my hand up his rigid length. I work the head of his shaft a little, rubbing my thumb on the underside. There's a vein there that just begs to be licked, and I tickle it with my finger for a moment. There's just enough light in our dim cave for me to watch as beads of pre-cum form on the head and slide down the side, wetting my hand. He looks delicious.
Maybe I've teased him—and me—long enough. I lean over, watching my mate as I do, and give the head of his cock a blatant and thorough lick.
Dagesh nearly comes off the blankets. He makes a strangled sound, his eyes flying open, an
d his hips buck.
Instinctively, I lean away so he doesn't stab me in the face with his dick. "Everything okay?"
"You…you licked me." He sounds utterly shocked.
My sweet, sweet mate. How have I not done this to him a thousand times yet? I really am the biggest idiot. I love his reaction. I love how completely floored he is at the thought of me licking his cock. Like he hasn't gone down on me a dozen times before? Does he think women just never return the favor? I give his shaft another little squeeze. "Should I not? Do you need to safe word?"
His lungs heave, and he stares at me, then at my hand on his cock. I drag my thumb through the wet beads on his skin as I wait for his answer. After a moment, he makes another strangled sound and drops back to the furs. He gestures quickly with one hand, indicating that I should continue, and I have to bite my lip not to laugh. He's so cute.
I can't resist teasing him a little more. "You sure you don't mind?"
"I…no," he manages. "I do not mind."
"If you're sure…" I lean down and let my breath fan over his skin. "I mean, I can stop at any time…"
To my immense satisfaction, he takes one big hand and plants it on the back of my head, pushing me toward his cock. Hot lust blazes through me, and I make a low sound of pleasure in my throat, even as I do as he asks. I grip him just below the flaring crown and tease the tip with swirls of my tongue, licking up every bit of his salty release. I flick and tease, and when his fingers tighten in my hair again, I take the entire head of him into my mouth and suck.
His hips jerk. He makes another choked sound that's so damn gratifying, and a fresh taste of salt bursts on my tongue.
I can't resist teasing him a little more. I lift my head, giving him one last lick, and then glance up at him. "Do you—"
Dagesh's hand tightens in my hair and then he's forcing my head back down onto his cock. My toes curl with bliss and I want to weep with delight. Oh fuck yes. This is absolutely what I like. I like him holding me in place like this. I like his hand tight and needy on my hair. Maybe some girls would find this demeaning or repulsive, but I've never been so turned on. I let his hand push me down, and I take the head of his cock into my mouth again, as far as I can along the slippery length of my tongue. He's so big that I can't take him very far, but it doesn't matter. I let my mouth fill with saliva and use it to lubricate his shaft as I work him back and forth.