Craving

by Kristina Meister

  The security staff and lab technicians had been corralled in the corner by a horde of incoherently groaning walking dead, somehow loosed from their cells. Karl had vanished and been replaced with the pleasant face of my tree-climbing friend and his ninja cohort.

  “Are you alright?” William hissed. His hands fumbled urgently with the tape that adhered my IV to the skin of my forearm. As if propelled by my body, the needle slid out and the wound closed. He leaned over me and punched a few keys on a numbered keypad. The metal locks popped open. “Lilith?”

  I blinked up at him, not sure what was real anymore. If I dared to believe in it, the pain of disappointment would be so much worse. Ananda was smiling at me, and like a drowning rat, I clung to that promise of safety.

  “I’m not dead?”

  “Do you feel dead?” he asked with a chuckle.

  “What does dead feel like?”

  “That is an excellent question that I fear will never be answered. Perhaps the only question like it.”

  I couldn’t help it; the absurdity and emotional shock were too much. I laughed, but my face was moist with loosed tears.

  William put a hand on my shoulder. “I would love to let you sit here and collect yourself, but we have a problem.”

  “What?” I looked to the corner of the room where my horde was holding my enemies at bay. “What’s happened? Where’s Moksha?”

  William glanced at Ananda, but the Arhat was busy staring at the blood as if he were looking for fluffy animal shapes in the clouds. His sandals and feet were red with it, but he did not seem to mind.

  “We don’t know.”

  “And Karl?”

  “He’s the problem.” He reached out and took hold of my wrist, pulling me to my feet, though my legs were shaky. “I fully intended to do what you asked me to, but . . .”

  “We are not finished yet,” Ananda whispered airily, “and neither is he.”

  William frowned and turned back to me, with a wave at Ananda. “He refused to leave. Then he said we should come to you, that you were in need of our help. I’m not sure how he knew, when even I couldn’t see it.”

  “Why couldn’t you see it?”

  “I can’t see you,” he revealed with a guilt-riddled blink. “Not anymore. I tried.”

  Ananda reached up and smoothed his long skein of dark hair. “You could not see her, because she is unknowable.”

  “Then how did you know?”

  “The earth spoke.”

  His companion frowned, but I understood. Those of us beyond the Crossroads were no longer a part of this reality. Neither alive, nor dead, we were as silent as the hum of electrical energy to human ears.

  Parinirvana.

  That was the secret of Arthur’s invisibility. “Are you unknowable too, Ananda?”

  He closed his eyes and seemed to be listening to the strains of faraway music that no one else could hear. “I have never wished to be, but desire is the cause of suffering.”

  William turned to the door. It clanged as he opened it and an unconscious body tipped toward him through the opening. “We have to get out of here. If what he saw is real, then we’re running late.”

  I stepped around the machinery, trying to ignore the tangy smell of my own blood staining the ground. “What did you see, Ananda?”

  “A storm.”

  Without warning, the ground lurched again. My foot slipped and I collided with William’s squared back. The walls shivered under the strain, dust shook free from the concrete ceiling, and one of the large monitors fell from its mount and smashed to pieces. I threw myself into the doorway where William was bracing himself, but Ananda and the assembly of hostage-takers seemed to be completely unmoved.

  “Ananda, it’s not safe!” William shouted over the rumble of the angry ground, but even as he said it, I realized how silly he was to do so. With our strength, insight, and longevity, we were indestructible. There was nothing to fear.

  I relaxed and as if the tectonic plate had ears, its thunderous voice fell silent. I leaned away from the jamb. “Where is Karl?”

  William looked around hesitantly, his steps careful and light. “I don’t know! The whole system is down. All their cell doors were already open, and the elevator wasn’t working.”

  A loose piece of the ceiling broke free suddenly, and crashed to the floor in front of us, announcing that even if the ground was safe, the danger had not vanished. I turned to find that Ananda was immediately behind me, still hearing commands I could not. At his heels were a few eyeless monsters, wandering after him like sheep.

  I don’t know why, but I reached for his hand and was calmed by the feel of his fingers twisting through mine. “How did you get them out?”

  “We didn’t,” William grunted as he stepped over the giant chunk of concrete. “They were climbing out of the elevator shaft when we got to it. When they saw him, they just sort of stopped and followed after us.”

  Ahead of us, I heard a shout and instantly, William had flattened himself to the wall and was inching toward the corner. There was no way of knowing what sorts of people were left inside the compound, but I was finished with them. I wanted out safely. My friends depended on it.

  Suddenly, in a loud roar, an aftershock jerked the building’s foundation to the left viciously. Ananda’s fingers squeezed mine gently.

  “What the hell is going on?” I whispered. “This part of the country never gets earthquakes.”

  “Nature itself rises up in defense of him,” Ananda quoted in my ear. “You must calm yourself.”

  I spun to face him. “How can I? Karl knew about Jinx. He’s probably on his way there now!”

  “Do not be afraid,” he replied. “Your friends are in good hands.”

  I wanted to believe him, but knowing the cryptic Arhat as I did, I could not trust that those hands were not my own. I freed myself from him and without regard for consequences, walked around the corner at top speed.

  Two men lay crushed beneath slabs of concrete. One was dead, nothing more than a pulp leaking from the roughened edges. The other was pinned at the legs, leaving red finger strokes on the ground where he clawed to pull himself free.

  It would have been easy to leave him there to bleed out, but it was also easy to save him. I squatted down, a woman possessed, and grasped the edge of the slab. I cannot imagine how it must have looked, my tiny, feminine frame hoisting hundreds of pounds in the air, but I did it casually, and without another thought, left the man to heal among the rubble. I could think of only one thing and that was getting to Jinx before Karl could punish him for his own flaws.

  As we ran through the labyrinthine halls toward our escape, it seemed as if the entire complex had been deserted just before it was picked up in the air and smashed to the ground. We encountered only a few souls, all of whom were trapped inside rooms, buried in debris, or injured in some way. By the time we reached the entrance, we had nearly ten people in tow, ten people I might have considered enemies. In dire circumstances, however, I could now clearly see that there were no differences between us.

  William slid across the hood of a four-door sedan, unlocking it with the touch of a button on his keychain. I didn’t want to leave the others there, but when I turned and saw them looking after each other, I reluctantly got into the car.

  Adjusting the mirror, William shot Ananda a speculative look in it. “Where to?”

  “Head south.”

  The tires kicked up dust and pebbles as he tore out of the long drive. The security gates stood stubbornly closed, and as he gunned the engine, I made sure to buckle my seatbelt. Immortal or not, I didn’t relish the thought of anymore physical trauma. Behind me, Ananda did the same, though he seemed almost amused by the cloth strap meant to protect him from metal.

  We slammed into the gate going top speed. One panel flew outward from us, but the other twisted itself over the hood of the car, tearing metal and paint as it scraped away.

  I watched the Vihara shrink away in the mirror and w
hen it was gone, sank back into my seat with a relieved sigh.

  At the crown of my head, Ananda placed his hand, warming my soul. “It is a shame our vehicle was not large enough for them.”

  My mind went back to Moksha. I was surprised to find that I felt almost guilty.

  “He is free,” Ananda said quietly in my ear.

  I turned and caught his eye. “Dead?”

  He said nothing, but I could see the truth. I turned back to the road, and wiped a hand across my face.

  “He murdered your family,” William said in wonder. “I’m stunned you’re not more vengeful.”

  “Nothing lasts forever,” Ananda replied, “and the end is always soon enough. There is no need to hurry anyone.”

  My T-shirt was covered with several weeks’ worth of gore. It stank of earth, blood, and whatever wastes my body had secreted on its way to perfection. I pulled it off over my head and leaned back against the cool leather in my bra.

  “I promised him I’d save him.”

  “You promised you would free him,” Ananda corrected, “and you did.”

  The car was speeding toward the freeway. It would be a few hours before I could do anything for my impatient friend. There was no point in worrying.

  “As gifted as I am, an earthquake is not something I can pull off,” I grumbled. “He’s not free because of me.”

  “Then perhaps it was unbelievable luck,” he breathed in my ear.

  “Yeah.” I reached out and tapped the touch screen on the center console. It had a GPS function. I entered the approximate address of Jinx’s villa and closed my eyes.

  Behind me, I heard the sound of cloth being torn. “Do you believe in unbelievable luck?” Ananda persisted.

  “No, unfortunately, but can we not talk about it now?”

  He chuckled. Before long, a length of golden fabric was passed between the seats to me. It was a piece of Ananda’s beautiful robe. I took it with a grateful blink and wrapped it around my neck and torso, tying it with a knot like a halter top.

  My modesty preserved, I returned to meditation. The jhana dilated time, which to me sounded like the best medicine. I looked for Arthur, but again, could not find him. He was not at the coffee shop, or either Sam or Matthew’s homes. I jumped to Jinx, but the mathematician was, as yet, unharmed, slurping down a caffeinated Icee as if it was manna from heaven, his attention wholly on his work. Matthew and Sam were upstairs in the records room, running the paperwork through a scanner as if they expected the worst.

  Jinx’s voice came over the home’s internal speaker system. “I’m blind, guys. The whole fucking Vihara just blinked off the grid.”

  With a frown, Matthew walked over to the speaker and pushed the button. “Good . . .”

  “Wasn’t me. Dunno what happened. I was tearin’ shit up and all of a sudden it went offline.”

  “Did you—?”

  “No.” The boy sounded harassed. “Could’a been the quake, but when I started jerkin’ ‘em around, they stopped uploading their activities into the mainframe. It’s like they knew it had been infiltrated and didn’t want us to figure out what they’d done with her. They’re fucking obnoxiously prepared.”

  The two men exchanged dark looks.

  “Anything from Art?”

  Sam shook his head dismally.

  Matthew pulled a cigarette out of his pocket and lit it as if annoyed with the whole world in general. “Does he do this a lot? Disappear when you need him the most?”

  “No,” Sam rasped. “If he’s flying under radar, it’s because he has to.”

  “That’s very comforting. I’m sure we don’t need to know what threatens an immortal. I mean, we’re only his fucking coconspirators. Human coconspirators, I might add.”

  The city lay before us, sprawling across the gentle curve of the hills like tiny gems stitched to the black gown of night.

  “The old monk is dead.” I lowered my visor and found Ananda’s face with the mirror. “It’s my fault. I shocked his system when I used him to communicate with Sam.”

  “He was happy to be of use to you.”

  “Doesn’t make me feel any better about it.”

  He tilted his lovely head to one side as his eager gaze took in the intricacies of the encroaching metropolis. “That is the price of leadership, I have learned.”

  The rest of the ride was silent except for the false voice of the GPS directing us to the fray. Ananda stroked and smoothed my hair, pulling it back and with my scrunchie, plaiting and twisting it into a sleek topknot. When we entered Jinx’s golf course community, William cut the headlights and coasted to the nearest corner. We sat in the car as the engine rumbled into silence.

  “What’s the plan?”

  “Stay in the car,” I replied, opening my door.

  William’s hand shot out and captured my wrist. His face had gone pale, anxiousness building in his eyes with each second. “What kind of plan is that? I’m supposed to protect you.”

  I covered his hand with my own and tried to give him a heartening smile. “I’m stronger than you. If you come, I might end up having to protect you.”

  His brows tugged together sharply. “What should I do?”

  I took my hand back carefully. “You’re backup. Stay here and watch.”

  To my surprise, Ananda opened his door and got out. Even though he was as brightly colored as a traffic light, on the asphalt, his leather sandals were silent.

  “Are you up for this?” I asked doubtfully. “Aren’t you a pacifist?”

  He smiled and patted my head. “There are other ways to win a battle.”

  Reminded of Arthur’s question about the ability of a warrior to prepare for peace, I stood up and got my bearings. With one last glance at William, I pointed to the corner. “His house is around there. The one with all the motorcycles.”

  Within five strides, there was the sharp report of gunfire. We turned the corner to find that the entire street had been blocked off with black vans. The SWAT team had already assembled at the gate and was in the process of dismantling it. The security camera hung by its cord in pieces, a jagged hole in its lens.

  I stepped back into the shadow of an ivy vine that climbed the stony wall, but Ananda stood, as bold as day, watching their activities with curiosity.

  “The overseer is here,” he said.

  I glanced around the corner. Karl was jumping from the back of a van in a flurry of rage. As he ran to the gate, the men destroyed the electronic keypad and pried the door open at the hinges. Within seconds, they were swarming like carpenter ants, headed straight for the building’s foundations.

  “They’re setting up explosive charges,” I whispered. “They’re going to burn down the house.”

  “Old habits,” he replied, unworried. He smiled at me and with another pat to my head, wandered toward the gate as if he merely had an interest in the horticulture. Baffled, I followed behind him.

  The SWAT teams had closed in on the house leaving only one posted guard at the gate, but as Ananda waltzed past him, it was not the man in the orange robe that caught the guard’s attention, it was the woman walking behind him.

  Ananda was invisible.

  “Freeze!” He pointed the gun at me.

  But as his hand went to his radio to alert them I had arrived, Ananda leaned toward him and whispered in his ear. Without warning, the man took a seat on the ground and closed his eyes. His weapon lay beside him with the safety on.

  As we continued past him toward the circular drive, I glanced back in awe. “How did you do that? No, what did you just do?”

  Ananda stopped and turned to me. “Your focus is too narrow. You desire to save your friends, and because his aim is to destroy them, your energy disrupts his.”

  “You mean, if I want something, then they can see me?” I thought back to my practice session on Karl, and the indifferent separation it took to use Moksha’s gift—using a lack of judgment to bring weakness into high relief. What if this was something like
that? “So how can I possibly get past them if we don’t agree on anything?”

  He tilted his head. “You cannot choose which life is valuable. Either all life is sacred, or none of it is.”

  I dropped my eyes to the ground and understood. If I walked into this situation discriminating against them, their heckles would go up and I would be in much more danger than necessary. Really, the more I thought about it, the less I saw the value in discriminating anyway. I wanted to save everyone.

  “The night is very beautiful,” Ananda breathed, his eyes cast upward. Overhead, the sky was darkening with thick, rolling clouds, threatening the world below.

  “Yes.” I watched the shadows twist over each other, hearing them clash and growl. “It is.”

  Things seemed brighter then, and for the first time since the rock garden, the little life forces around me began to buzz and hum within my soul, vibrating in my chest like sound from a subwoofer. The air glowed, each tiny insect and animal shining like twinkle lights in mist, little halos circling them as they wandered through the foliage.

  “Can you see them?”

  “Yes,” I whispered. “They’re so beautiful!”

  “Each in its own way.”

  I stood there for a long time, looking around me with my eyes unfocused, delighting in the glitter and sparkle. When I found the house with my gaze, the distant forms of crouching men shimmered in a rainbow of colors, beckoning me. I turned to ask Ananda if he could see them too, but he was gone.

  I wasn’t bothered by this. I ambled toward the house, wondering if I would cross paths with him, but perfectly fine with my fate if, in fact, we never met again. I found a red aura standing in the side yard and out of sheer curiosity, moved toward it. When I was close enough to reach out and pass my hand through the auroral shards of light, I realized it was a person and that that person was afraid.

  On impulse, I leaned forward and found its ear. “Be at ease,” I whispered. Before I could lean away, the tension drained from his form. The colors shifted and changed, turning from red, to orange, to gold, and the man sank to the ground with a deep sigh.

  I made a slow and meandering path toward the back door of the family room. It did not disturb me that the glass was broken; the blinking light of the explosive charge on the load-bearing wall did not seem out of place. I met another man on the stairs; he was angry, arguing with his shoulder radio.