“I will make sure that you don’t,” I assured her as I wrapped my arms around her. “I’ll do what needs to be done to heal her, nothing more.”
“I know that you’ll heal her,” Tási replied as she gripped me back tightly. “But once you do, I think you’ll find it hard to let her go.”
Tási’s words were like a dagger to my heart. She spoke them with such conviction and certainty, yet they were still laden with her love for me—the pain that they caused her was clearly excruciating.
“I’m sorry, Tási,” was all I could say.
“I know that you are,” she answered me. “I know that your heart is in the right place, and that you only want to help people. That’s why I love you, and why I’m willing to… overlook so much for you.”
“Now, if you don’t mind, I need to help Venna with her patient,” she said as she let go of me and returned to the infirmary.
The fact that the patient she was tending to was the cause of Tási’s pain only twisted the knife that was still in my chest, and it took a moment for me to gather myself before I could return to the Garrison.
“Did she survive?” Evans asked in jest when I approached him.
“Yes, but I want her on restricted duty,” I replied to him humorlessly. “You were right—she’s much too wild and reckless. I’ll be working with her to correct that issue, but until I clear her for full duty, she’s not to leave the Garrison.”
“I will make sure she’s put on guard duty only, no patrols beyond the wall,” Evans said in acknowledgement.
“Thank you,” I replied more warmly. “Ella’s an old friend, one that I owe a debt to. I need to see that she’s got herself under control before we put her in any truly dangerous situations.”
“I agree. In fact, I had already decided against assigning her to any patrols for that very reason.”
“You’re a good man, First Marshal,” I replied. “Not many would be so considerate.”
“I appreciate the compliment,” he responded flatly. “But my concern was more for those who would accompany her.”
“Even so,” I replied again. “Your concern for those who serve under you reflects well upon you.”
With the matter settled, I moved on to my next priority. If I was to treat Ella discreetly, she needed more private accommodations than the barracks where she was currently assigned, so I sought out Ilvain to see if he had anything more suitable in his inventory.
Luckily, Ilvain had been quite efficient in his efforts, and an unoccupied home was ready for her to move into. Even more fortunate was that the shelter was very close to the path I usually took on my daily rounds, so stopping by there would not be too difficult for me or raise any suspicions. Once I secured the home for Ella, he sent a runner to inform her of her change in accommodations for me, and I returned home for the day. Even though it was still early, and I hadn’t completed my rounds, I simply couldn’t handle any more that day.
When the others made it home, I was laying on Bane’s cushion, waiting for him to join me. Tási saw me there, and simply nodded to me before she went to help Broda prepare our dinner. As she left, Venna came and whispered to me that the runner had made it to the infirmary, and Ella was in her new home. She had been there for part of the discussion Tási and I had and knew enough to guess at what was happening, and her discretion was as much for Tási’s benefit as it was for mine. Bane returned soon after, and I wrapped myself around him as he lay himself beside me.
You hurt Sintári, I can feel it.
‘I do Bane. Let me lay with you for a while; it will help ease the pain.’
He curled around me in return, and I nestled myself in his embrace, seeking peace in his soft purr and the rhythm of his heartbeat. It wasn’t long before I felt myself falling asleep, and I let the warm comfort of Bane’s presence take me away from my troubles for the night.
For the next two days, I made my usual rounds. The only difference was that when I inspected the Garrison, I also took the time to spar with Ella for a while. Her technique was horrible, and she tried to make up for it with a viciousness that might have been intimidating to a lesser opponent. But time after time, I countered her wild slashes and thrusts, and turned her uncontrolled fury against her. I could see Ella’s blows from a mile away, so despite the fury that she put into them, I parried her strikes easily and landed my own in return.
“I almost had you that time,” Ella gasped for breath after I slapped her hard with the flat of my blade.
“No, you didn’t,” I corrected her. “I just let you get that close so that I could smack you.”
“What am I doing wrong? I haven’t even managed to graze you once in two days.”
“Aside from your poor technique, which the First Marshal is working on with you, you have no control, Ella,” I told her yet again. “You’re wild and overly aggressive. You try to use raw strength where only a subtle touch is required.”
“I know,” Ella confessed not for the first time. “But once I start fighting, I can’t control it—my anger takes over and I lose myself in it.”
“I’d like to try to work with you again tomorrow, if you’re ready,” I offered. “I can stop by your house on my way here in the morning.”
“I’m ready,” Ella replied. “I’ve been thinking about what you told me in the infirmary, and I know that you’re right. I can’t keep living like this, and I don’t want to be a prisoner to these feelings any more. I’m willing to do whatever it takes for you to free me from them.”
“Alright then,” I sighed, knowing that the path to Ella’s freedom would be a dangerous one for both of us to walk. “I will see you in the morning.”
I finished my rounds that day, but most of my attention was elsewhere as I did. My mind was preoccupied, and I was truly anxious over what was to come in the morning. Worst of all, I couldn’t speak about it with the one person who I wanted to talk to, the only person who might be able to offer me some reassurance. As I considered that, I realized that there was another person whose feelings I hadn’t even taken into account—Venna. So, since I was close enough to the infirmary, I stopped in to see her before I went home.
“Are you hurt?” Venna inquired as she quickly looked me over.
“Not on the outside,” I replied openly.
“It bothers you a great deal, doesn’t it?” She asked as she took a seat on one of the beds.
“Yes, it does,” I admitted as I sat down beside her. “But that’s not why I’m here. I came here for you, Venna. I’m so sorry, but in all of this, I’ve never even thought to ask you how you feel about what’s happening, what will be happening with me.”
“I was wondering when you’d ask me that,” Venna smiled.
“I know how much you love Tási,” Venna continued, “and I know that your love for me is separate from that. Just like my love for Stel is a separate thing from my love for you. It is not something I ever considered before I met you, yet now, I can’t imagine living without it.”
“What you did for me is beyond my ability to explain to you. The hole you filled in my heart was a wound I never knew that I had, yet you healed it for me without even knowing it. Having felt your touch and experiencing your power, I cannot even consider denying it to another who is in need of your unique healing ability.”
“But, just like Tási, I don’t want to know about your… other relationships. You need to keep them private. Tási is yours, and she deserves to at least be seen as that in public, even if you need to act differently in private. And you’re not the only one who needs to practice discretion. Your… patients will need to respect your relationship with Tási as well.”
“Thank you, Venna,” I said as I kissed her gently on the forehead. “I needed to hear that. All of it.”
“I know you did,” she smiled back at me as I got up.
“I’ll see you back home tonight,” I replied as I headed outside again.
She didn’t answer me, but I felt her warm smile on my back as I lef
t the building.
The rest of that day passed almost normally, and when it was time for bed, I curled myself around Tási and clung to her tightly. Although we had been around each other for the past few days, I might as well have been absent due to my preoccupation.
“Lay down,” Tási whispered to me. “You’re an absolute mess. I’ll put you to sleep.”
I let go of her and rolled onto my stomach and Tási began to knead at the bundle of knots in my neck and shoulders. The tension inside me melted away under her fingers and the sensation of warm flowing water that she channeled into me. As she washed away my burdens, Tási leaned in and kissed me on the cheek before she whispered softly in my ear.
“Stop torturing yourself,” she soothed as she added even more calming influences into her gentle waters. “I’ve accepted what’s to come. You’re only making it worse for both of us.”
“I’m so sorry, Tási,” I cried when I recognized the truth in what she had said.
“Shh,” Tási hushed me before I could continue. “No more—no more guilt, no more anxiety. Just do what you have to do and come home to me when it’s over.”
“I will,” I promised her through my tears.
She didn’t say anything else after that, she only fed me even more of her soothing waters and sent me into the night with gentle waves of relief.
I started the next morning with a few quick stops in the valley before I dragged myself to Ella’s house. Although I was determined to follow Tási’s advice, and simply do what was required of me without wallowing in my guilt, it wasn’t easy. When I knocked on the door Ella answered almost immediately, and I had to start our first session on a rather harsh note.
“For fuck’s sake, Ella, how difficult are you trying to make this for me?”
“What?” She replied in apparent confusion as she stood in front of me in her flimsy night dress.
“Put some damn clothes on!”
“Oh,” she blushed. “I thought it would be easier this way.”
“Not for me,” I told her bluntly. “Not unless you’re trying to turn this into something more.”
“I’m sorry, I’ll go get dressed,” Ella replied quickly.
Her tone was odd, and I couldn’t decide whether or not she had intentionally worn the thin dress that barely concealed her shapely figure. If she had, it was a rather sudden change in attitude from the very reluctant stance she’d had before—a change that I realized might actually benefit both of us.
“Ella,” I called out to her. “Can I join you?”
“Sure, come in,” she replied from her bedroom.
She was almost dressed when I got there, but I stopped her from going any further.
“That’s good enough for now,” I told her. “Lay down. It will be easier for you that way.”
Ella only had her boots left to put on, so she did as I instructed and lay atop the bed. As she fidgeted nervously, I placed my hand on her arm and spoke to her before I began.
“Ella,” I said to her as calmly as I could. “I need to ask you something before we start.”
“Of course,” she replied. “You can ask me anything.”
“Did you do that on purpose?” I asked her.
“I... I don’t know what you mean,” she stuttered.
“I thought you might have. Now I’m sure of it,” I sighed.
“I’m sorry,” she offered. “I don’t know why I did it. It just felt like the right thing to do.”
“Ella,” I said as I took a deep breath. “It will be easier for me to do what I need to if I don’t have to hold back my desires the whole time, but that can… no, that will become very intense for both of us. It may lead you to do things you might not otherwise want to do. So, the decision is yours to make. Do you want to proceed cautiously, or was it your intention to be more… bold?”
“I…,” Ella blushed. “I’m not sure I’d say bold, but I’m willing to let things go wherever they may.”
“I understand,” I smiled at her warmly. “But there is one more thing. I think you already understand this, but I need to make sure that it’s perfectly clear.”
“What we do here is between us, and us alone,” I told her as I looked into her eyes, letting her see the conviction in my words. “Not a hint of this gets out. No one must ever learn of what we do, especially not Tási. Do you understand?”
“Is it wrong?”
“No, Ella, it’s not,” I assured her. “But it would hurt her deeply, and as much as I want to help you, I’m not willing to make her pay that price.”
“I understand, I think,” Ella replied.
“Then I’ll begin. Slowly,” I said as I trickled a tiny tendril into her.
I tried to restrain most of my passions, but I let some of them flow along with the tentative thread. Ella reacted immediately, and even with my eyes closed as I concentrated on the tendril inside her, I felt her body tense and heard the soft gasp that escaped her lips.
There was far more passion that I was holding back, more than she could handle at the time. Yet even that thin thread, and the sliver of desire that slid through her with it, easily kindled Ella’s urges. I barely had time to begin my probe of her before it was clear that it was time for me to stop. Ella’s body was quivering next to me, and if I held her any longer, it would be more than she could bear. So, I withdrew the thin strand, and with it, the power of my presence within her.
“Is that what it’s like?” Ella asked breathlessly after a moment.
“That was a taste of it,” I said as I brushed her hair aside from her face. “There’s much more, but you’re not ready for that yet.”
“I want it,” she practically demanded. “I want it all. When can I have more?”
She reminded me of Tási just then. Like in the early days when I had been helping Tási after she had saved Venna, she had been overcome with the desires that were inherent in my touch, and lost focus on our true purpose.
“Ella,” I tried to calm her. “You will have more, a great deal more. But only in time, and only when you’re ready for it. Remember why I’m here, and why we’re doing this—our goal is to heal you, to rein in your anger. The rest will come with that, I promise you, just be patient.”
“That’s not going to be easy,” she confessed.
“I know, and I’m sorry,” I told her. “But ultimately, this will be easier than trying to do it while I’m holding back.”
“I felt you… inside me,” Ella whispered in amazement.
“I know, I was there,” I smiled back at her.
“How were you able to stop?” She asked. “There’s no way I could have done that.”
“It took a very long time for me to gain the level of control I have now,” I told her. “A very long time, and I still have a long way to go. I don’t think you need to achieve that same level of discipline, and I hope that with my help, you can get where you need to be much more quickly.”
“When can we do this again?”
“In a day or two,” I promised her. “You need time to recover, and I don’t want to give you too much too soon.”
“I’ll be ready,” Ella assured me.
“You better be,” I offered her with a grin.
I left her to rest for a while before she headed off to the Garrison, and I continued on my rounds in the valley before I also went in that direction. Ella was waiting for me in the training area when I arrived, and our daily sparring went as usual, although instead of parting in frustration, Ella favored me with a smile as she left.
Over the next two weeks, I tended to the affairs of my growing community, and continued Ella’s care. Our time together grew more intense with every meeting, and it wasn’t long before our mornings together turned into very passionate affairs. She was a woman who had been deeply wounded, and when she finally found someone who made her feel whole again, she dove into our relationship with abandon. But even though our desires were being satisfied, I had trouble delving into her deeply enough to find the
source of her pain. I knew it was there, and I could even sense it at times—it was almost as if she clung to it and kept it away from me on purpose, and the morning that I realized that she was doing precisely that, I confronted her.
“You’re doing it on purpose!” I spat at Ella when I walked into her room where she was waiting for me. “You’re shielding your pain from me so I can’t find it.”
“No!” Ella pleaded. “If you fix it then you won’t ever come back to me again!”
“Ella,” I said as calmly as I could manage. “If you ever want to see me again, you’re going to lay down right now and let me do what needs to be done.”
“But then it’s over,” she cried. “I can’t do that.”
“It won’t be over, Ella,” I soothed her. “I think we both know that, but I won’t need to see you as often, and you’re going to have to accept that.”
“Do you promise?” Ella begged me.
“Yes, I do,” I told her. “I may heal you today, but your wound will still need to be tended from time to time. Your pain will fade, Ella, but I will always be there for you when you need me.”
She reluctantly accepted my words, and once she lay on the bed, I pressed my hand to her chest, just above her heart. I had delved into her like this several times but had never managed to reach her core. This time, however, she didn’t try to hide from me, and when I felt myself slipping inside her, I located her cracked and broken center almost instantly. Unlike Tási’s core, Ella’s was a perfect sphere of bright light—uniform and singular in its essence, save for its single gaping flaw.
A deep fissure of angry red magma erupted from inside the otherwise perfect circle. Hot, fiery vapors leaked out from the deep crack, poisoning everything around it. This was the wound that had been inflicted on Ella, the ugly consequence of the vile act that had been perpetrated on her. I dove towards the seething pit almost recklessly and poured all my energy into sealing the deep rent on her soul.
My efforts yielded some results but were not entirely successful. Despite the raw power that I funneled into it, the wound was simply too much, too deeply entrenched, for me to heal in any single attempt. So, when I was spent and had nothing left to give, I slowly withdrew from her. As I took a final glance back before pulling away, the gash was still there, poisoning her soul as it had for years, but it was smaller, and obviously less powerful than it had been before.
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