Pictures of Lily

by Paige Toon

  ‘I’m sorry,’ he says, coming through to me without removing his coat.

  ‘I’m sorry too,’ I say. ‘I should have asked you before buying it.’

  ‘You don’t have to ask me, of course you don’t,’ he says. ‘I just wish you’d talked to me about it.’

  ‘I know I should have. I’m sorry.’

  He pulls me to him and we hug each other tightly.

  ‘Are you still hungry?’ I ask over his shoulder.

  He glances through to the kitchen. ‘Is the rice ruined?’

  ‘Probably.’

  ‘I could put some more on?’

  I smile through the tears welling up in my eyes. ‘Yeah. Let’s do that.’

  My camera stays on the floor where I left it. I don’t have the will or inclination to play with it now.

  Chapter 25

  I’m sitting on a yellow swing in a park full of purple and pink wildflowers. A black and white magpie is singing in the background and I sense that it’s early morning. I’m in a playground I recognise in the Adelaide hills, but it’s different. Not quite the same. I hear my husband walking through the grass behind me and I smile and turn my face up to the sun. And then he’s in front of me and I open my eyes to see Richard standing there, holding the hand of a little boy. My son. And he looks like Ben. I wake up with a start.

  My family – minus Mum, of course – leave on Saturday afternoon. Richard and I see them off at the airport before heading to Nathan and Lucy’s for a drink before dinner. I’m glad of the distraction because I always feel morose when Dad and the girls fly home.

  ‘I’m so sad you’re leaving,’ I moan to Lucy. We’re sitting on the decked terrace in the back garden. The boys are inside talking shop.

  ‘Aah,’ Lucy says. ‘We’ll be back before you know it.’

  ‘Will this renovation really only take six months?’

  ‘Hopefully,’ she replies. ‘We’ll have to get cracking on it straight away. I can’t wait. Obviously I’ll miss you lot,’ she adds. ‘But it’ll be good to spend some time with my mum.’

  I take a sip of my rosé and dig into the salted macadamia nuts. ‘Do you have many other friends over in the UK?’ I haven’t really spoken to Lucy much about her life on the other side of the world. I don’t know why. I guess it’s because I left it all behind.

  ‘I have a few,’ she says. ‘They live in London mostly, but I’m hoping they’ll come down occasionally to Somerset where we’ll be staying with my mum, and Nathan and I will get up to see them, too.’

  ‘Do you miss them?’

  ‘Of course. But you can’t have everything, can you? I chose Nathan, and everything else has a knock-on effect. We’re lucky that we can spend time in two countries.’

  I vaguely remember knowing that Lucy had a boyfriend when she met Nathan. Now I’m curious about him. ‘Do you ever hear from your boyfriend before Nathan?’

  ‘James? No, not any more. He harassed me for a while after we broke up, but he had to call it quits after I found out more about the lies he’d been telling me.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Screwing around with women, taking drugs . . . Loads of things, but they were the ones that bothered me the most. That, and the fact that so many people knew the truth about him, yet I’d been with him for years and was completely clueless. I felt so stupid. And the worst thing was, I didn’t find out everything at once. I used to hear dribs and drabs from people at his work and my work, since a friend of mine was going out with a colleague of his, and it was horrible – horrible! – not being able to get over him once and for all because some new shitty thing would always come along and make me feel like crap again. I know that no one likes to be the bearer of bad news, but I wish everyone had sat me down and told me everything they knew in one go.’ Her hazel eyes are sparking as she remembers.

  ‘That sucks,’ I murmur, knowing my words can never fully sum up the extent of her ex-boyfriend’s betrayal.

  ‘It all worked out for the best in the end.’

  I smile. ‘It did. You and Nathan are perfect for each other.’

  She laughs. ‘I wish someone could have told me that two years ago. On paper it looked like we were anything but!’

  I stare at her, bemused.

  ‘James and I seemed like a match made in heaven, whereas Nathan’s two years younger than me, and when I met him he was a bit of a surf bum,’ she explains.

  She glances inside and I follow her gaze to see Nathan and Richard huddled over some architectural plans around the coffee table.

  We turn back and laugh at each other. ‘Not any more.’

  ‘I expect they’re looking at the plans for Somerset,’ Lucy muses, tucking her long chestnut hair behind her ears.

  ‘Do you like working with Nathan?’

  ‘I love it. Considering I thought my job in PR was the best job in the world, I should miss it more. Maybe if I didn’t get to do the odd freelance job I’d find it harder.’

  Lucy’s old boss in London still gives her the occasional gig when she’s over there and she also put her in touch with some PR friends of hers in Sydney.

  She continues, ‘The property developing and project management are what keep me really busy, though. You know Nathan’s parents ran a property development business together before they died?’

  ‘I don’t think I did know that.’

  She smiles. ‘Well, they did. And I know Nathan loves that we’re doing the same thing.’ She glances inside again. ‘It’s Saturday night, boys,’ she calls.

  ‘Just finishing up,’ comes Nathan’s reply.

  Moments later they join us on the terrace. Richard squeezes my shoulder. ‘Are you girls hungry?’

  ‘Starving,’ Lucy says. ‘Shall we walk into town and see what we fancy?’

  After a dinner spent laughing our heads off at Nathan and Lucy’s crap jokes and getting increasingly tipsy, we zigzag our way to a bar on the waterfront. We manage to snag a table outside on the deck under large white umbrellas, and Richard and Nathan go inside to fetch the drinks. Lucy’s eyes narrow as she studies a group of girls sitting at the next table.

  ‘Do you know them?’ I ask.

  ‘I think I recognise that blonde one there, but I can’t think where to place her.’

  I take a surreptitious look over my shoulder to see a pretty girl with mid-length, tousled hair laughing at something one of her friends has said. Then she glances towards the inside entrance and her smile vanishes.

  ‘Rich? Rich?’ She recovers from her shocked expression.

  I whip my head around to see Richard emerging from inside with two drinks. Nathan follows right behind him.

  ‘Ally?’ Richard asks, his brow furrowing.

  Shit.

  ‘It is you!’ Ally beams and gets to her feet, rushing over to my distinctly uncomfortable-looking boyfriend.

  ‘Hi!’ he exclaims, throwing me an awkward smile before turning his attention back to Ally. He lifts up the drinks in his hands to indicate he can’t give her a hug.

  ‘I knew I recognised her,’ Lucy murmurs.

  ‘Hey, Ally!’ Nathan appears from behind Richard. ‘What are you doing here?’

  ‘I’ve just rented a flat up the road.’

  ‘You live in Manly?’

  ‘Yeah!’

  This is getting better and better.

  ‘When did you get back from the UK?’ Nathan asks.

  ‘A couple of weeks ago. Settling in again, you know.’

  ‘Hey, come and meet Lily,’ Richard interrupts, indicating me with his beer glass.

  Ally turns to look my way and somehow manages to keep a smile on her face. I try to show her the same courtesy.

  ‘Cool.’ She follows Richard.

  ‘Lily, this is Ally.’ I can tell Richard is trying to act normal, but it’s obvious to me he finds this situation pretty excruciating.

  ‘Hello.’ I smile up at her.

  ‘Hi.’ She reaches down to shake my hand. ‘So you guys a
re engaged?’

  I nod.

  ‘Wow, that’s great! Congratulations.’

  ‘Thanks.’ My smile is starting to feel genuine.

  ‘Hello, Ally.’ Lucy gets up and gives her a hug.

  ‘Lucy!’

  ‘Look at you!’ Lucy cries. ‘Your hair’s grown.’

  ‘Aah, I could never afford to get it cut.’ She laughs.

  She’s so warm and friendly that it’s hard to feel jealous. ‘Take a seat,’ I urge, sliding up the bench. She glances over her shoulder at her friends.

  ‘Sure, okay, I’ll just grab my drink.’

  Richard sits down next to me. ‘Are you okay?’ he asks in my ear.

  ‘I’m fine,’ I reply. ‘She seems nice.’

  Ally returns and takes a seat next to me.

  ‘So you guys all knew each other in the UK?’ I ask.

  ‘Ally, Richard and Nathan shared a house in Archway,’ Lucy explains.

  ‘That place was a tip,’ Nathan jokes.

  ‘You can talk,’ Ally responds. ‘Your washing-up sat in the sink for days on end.’

  ‘What did you do over there?’ I ask her.

  ‘Nursing.’ She smiles at me. ‘What about you?’

  ‘I work for a publishing company,’ I reply.

  ‘That’s so cool!’ she exclaims.

  ‘You’re back at Marbles on Monday, aren’t you?’ Lucy chips in.

  I nod.

  ‘Marbles?’ Ally repeats. ‘As in that trendy, glossy guys’ mag?’

  ‘That’s the one,’ Richard interjects.

  ‘Wow – that’s such an awesome job!’

  ‘Aah, I’m only the secretary,’ I say.

  ‘Editorial assistant,’ Richard corrects, smiling across me at Ally. ‘She’s too modest.’

  ‘Sounds ultra-glam to me,’ she says. ‘What about you guys?’ She looks at Nathan, Richard and Lucy. ‘What are you up to these days?’

  She stays and chats for another ten minutes before getting back to her friends. Richard puts his arm around me and kisses my temple.

  ‘You okay?’ he asks again.

  ‘Yes.’ I smile. Bizarrely, I am. I don’t feel jealous or insecure. If Richard weren’t the man he is, I’m sure I would feel both. Love fills me up and I kiss his cheek.

  ‘Thank you for being so nice to her,’ Richard says sincerely.

  ‘It wasn’t hard.’

  He rubs my arm and gives me a squeeze. ‘Shall we go home?’

  I nod, happily.

  That night, lying in the crook of my boyfriend’s arm, I realise that I barely thought about Ben all evening. I almost felt as I did several weeks ago, when I didn’t have this additional complication in my life. Maybe this is the way it’s supposed to be. Maybe I can handle a future without Ben. But when I try to imagine it properly the pain is so intense I feel as if it could cripple me.

  Chapter 26

  It’s my first day back at Marbles today and it should be fantastic, but I’m finding it hard to smile. Ben is coming to meet me at lunchtime, but even that brings little comfort. I haven’t used my camera all weekend and I’m wondering if I should return it. I can’t bear to confess this to him.

  At one o’clock I walk down the five flights of stairs and attempt a cheery wave at Mel on reception. I’m hoping I’ll miss Nicola this time. I leave the building and turn the corner, looking around for Ben, but he’s not there. I stand and lean up against the wall and check the clock on my mobile phone.

  ‘Am I late?’ he calls, and I turn to see him walking briskly towards me.

  ‘No, you’re on time.’

  He engulfs me in a quick embrace, then pulls away and looks down at me. ‘What’s wrong?’

  ‘Nothing.’

  ‘You look sad.’

  ‘I’m okay.’ But I can barely turn up the corners of my lips.

  ‘Tell me.’ He’s still holding my arms as he searches my face.

  ‘It’s nothing,’ I lie, looking away.

  ‘No, it’s not,’ he insists, shaking me ever so slightly. ‘I know you.’

  ‘How can you say you know me when you’ve barely seen me?’ I step out of his grasp.

  ‘I just do.’

  ‘Maybe I’ve changed.’

  ‘You haven’t.’ He regards me so seriously that I can’t tear my eyes away. Suddenly they’re brimming with tears.

  ‘Hey,’ he says softly, putting his hand to my cheek.

  I quickly take another step backwards. He drops his hand to his side.

  ‘Shall we walk?’

  I nod my head in agreement and set off. He hurries after me.

  ‘Who needs sneakers when you can walk this fast in high heels, hey?’ he jokes.

  I glance at him sideways. ‘Trainers,’ I say.

  ‘Trainers, sneakers . . . We can call them trainers if it makes you happy.’

  I purse my lips to try to stop myself from smiling. ‘I’m back at Marbles magazine this week,’ I tell him.

  ‘Are you really? That’s excellent.’ He knows all about how I covered for Bronte before. ‘Is it just for a week?’

  ‘Yeah. Apparently the editorial assistant is on a shoot.’

  ‘A photo-shoot?’

  ‘Yes. In Bali.’

  ‘Cool. I didn’t know editorial assistants got to do things like that.’

  ‘Neither did I,’ I admit. ‘I think she’s started helping out on the picture desk a bit more. I suspect that’s where she’d like to work.’

  ‘Pretty good stepping stone, then.’

  ‘That’s what I was thinking.’

  ‘Would you like to work on the picture desk?’ he asks.

  ‘Yeah. Definitely more than what I’m doing now.’

  ‘But it’s still not photography, eh?’

  I say nothing as my mood dips once more, then I tell him: ‘I haven’t used my camera at all.’

  ‘Why not?’ He’s taken aback.

  ‘I’m thinking it cost too much.’

  He looks relieved. ‘Well, if that’s all it is, I can help you.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Let me help you buy it.’

  ‘No!’ I say loudly, coming to my senses.

  ‘Why not? Think of how many Christmases and birthdays I’ve missed out on over the years. I probably owe you a couple of grand by now,’ he jokes, but I’m not laughing.

  ‘No. Absolutely not.’

  ‘Alright. In that case, I’ll lend you the money and you can pay me back when you want to. Interest-free. How about that?’

  ‘No, Ben.’ I sigh.

  ‘You can’t return it,’ he says adamantly. ‘Have you looked into any courses?’

  I shake my head because I can’t bear to say it out loud.

  ‘You’ve got plenty of time,’ he says reassuringly. ‘Stop doubting yourself. If you’re worried you’ve left it too late now, think of how pissed off you’ll be in five years’ time when you’re still regretting never doing anything about it.’

  I sigh again. ‘I know you’re right. But enough about me. What have you been up to?’

  ‘Well . . .’ He hesitates outside a café. ‘Do you want to go in here?’

  ‘Sure. But Ben, what is it?’

  ‘Come inside and I’ll tell you.’

  A feeling of dread starts to fill me up. I can’t move.

  ‘Lily?’

  ‘No. I think you’d better tell me here.’

  Concern washes over his face. ‘It’s okay,’ he says. ‘It’s nothing bad.’

  ‘Tell me.’

  ‘It’s just that I’ve been offered my old job back in Adelaide.’

  The ground has opened up beneath me and I’m falling into darkness. Please God, not again . . .

  ‘It’s okay,’ he repeats, putting his hands on my arms. ‘I don’t have to take it.’

  Light returns. Light filling me up.

  ‘I won’t leave you.’ He wraps his arms around me and I press my face into his chest, trying to breathe. ‘If you’re h
appy here, if things are working out for you and your career, then I won’t go.’

  He would do that for me?

  ‘Do you want to go?’ I mumble. I pull my face away from his chest so he can hear me. ‘Do you want to go?’

  ‘Well, you know I love Adelaide.’ He glances down at me and shrugs. ‘But it’s okay. It’ll still be there in a few years’ time. Who knows what you’ll be doing then.’

  I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out.

  ‘You might be a professional photographer,’ he continues, smiling. ‘A laidback Adelaide lifestyle might be right up your street.’

  I can’t do this. I can’t go on like this. He’s looking at me, waiting for me to say something.

  ‘Or I might be married.’ My voice is barely audible.

  He chuckles, misunderstanding me. ‘Oh yeah? To whom?’

  ‘No one you know,’ I say very, very quietly.

  The smile leaves his face and he regards me gravely. ‘Lily?’ He’s uncomprehending. ‘What’s going on?’

  ‘I have a boyfriend,’ I whisper. ‘He’s asked me to marry him.’

  Ben drops my arms and steps away from me, his eyes never leaving my face.

  ‘No.’

  I nod. ‘It’s true.’

  ‘You’re engaged? No.’ He rubs his head, disbelieving.

  ‘He asked me a couple of months ago. Before I found you again.’

  ‘And you never told me!’ he exclaims, hurt written all over his face.

  ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘You’re not joking, are you? This isn’t some sort of sick revenge you’re getting on me for what I did years ago?’

  He’s still looking bemused, trying to work out what’s happening, but I can see that he’s slowly beginning to believe me.

  ‘Ben, I’m so, so sorry. I wanted to tell y—’

  ‘Then why didn’t you?’ he interrupts. ‘How could you keep something like this quiet?’

  ‘I was so confused when you came back into my life. I had no idea what was going to happen.’

  ‘And now you’re telling me this so I don’t put my life on hold for you? So I go back to Adelaide?’

  ‘No, that’s not it at all. I don’t want you to leave.’

  ‘But if I do, then that makes your decision pretty damn tidy, doesn’t it.’