Paint it Black: 4 (The Black Knight Chronicles)

by Hartness, John G.

  “Why do we need to keep our origins a secret?” Greg asked. I hate the fact that he takes things in stride better than me. And he’s smarter than me. I take solace in the fact that I have a girlfriend, unlike certain male vampires that live in confiscated fraternity houses in North Carolina.

  “Oh, no one cares that you’re from the mundane world, my dear Sanguine. Everyone can see that within a breath of laying eyes on you. But you don’t want the vendors to find out this is your first Market. They’ll fleece you terribly if they catch on, and you won’t have a gem left to your name before you even find what you’re looking for.”

  “Oh, we’re not here shopping,” I said.

  The lizard held up a hand. “I never mentioned shopping, sir. I said before you find what you’re looking for. And everyone is looking for something, now aren’t they? So what, dear vampires, are you looking for?”

  Greg punched me before I could answer. “I think, my unnamed friend, the question is what are you looking for.”

  “Not to mention who are you?” I chimed in. Greg shot me one of his “let me deal with this” looks, and I stepped back, digging for sunglasses in my jacket pocket. After our last trip to Faerieland, I went out and bought a pair. Wearing the glasses wasn’t just about looking like a badass, they were also a necessity. My eyes hadn’t been exposed to sunlight in fifteen years, I needed a pair of shades. Cool was just a bonus.

  “I am Martifluousyntherianthemum Gregorovichinglingaringdingdingdong, but you may call me Marty. I wish to assist you for no reason other than the goodness of my cold-blooded little heart. And because this is my uncle’s stall, and if I give you information hopefully you will leave quickly and allow the real customers access.”

  I could understand that motive—greed, and said so. The lizard nodded and went on. “You are obviously from the world of Man, so you are likely unfamiliar with the rules of common courtesy in the Market. I can help you learn these rules so you are less likely to be killed.”

  “For what price?” I growled.

  “Simple. When you leave Faerie, take me with you.”

  “What?” Greg and I said in unison.

  “Seriously, dude, how many lizards do you see around here, talking or otherwise? I need to get some action, and it’s not happening in Faerie. Besides, there might be a few entities in the Market that aren’t very interested in my well-being at the moment. Or, to be more precise, they are very interested in my well-being, that is to say, in the less well and perhaps ending of my being.”

  I took a minute to try and parse the sentence, then realized that he said somebody wanted to kick his ass.

  “I am not pimping out a lizard. That’s . . . ,” Greg spluttered. I elbowed him and pushed in front of him to shake Marty’s hand.

  “If you swear not to eat or harm humans, that’s just fine, Marty. When we leave, we’ll take you with us. But you’re not living with us. We’re vampires, not an animal shelter. You’re out on your own as soon as you get through the portal, deal?”

  “Deal. I wouldn’t live with vampires anyway. You’d only cramp my style.”

  I took a look around to see if anyone thought it was strange that I was talking to a waist-high lizard in a tux jacket, but none of the passersby had even given us a second glance. “So, Marty. If you wanted to buy a jawbone in this Market, where would you go?”

  “What type of jawbone are you looking for?”

  “Human.”

  “Hmmmmm . . . there are only a couple of stalls in the Market that sell human bits, and they’re quite expensive. Wouldn’t you be better off getting a jawbone yourself? After all, there are plenty of humans where you come from.”

  “We’re not looking for a jawbone, Marty,” Greg said, looking around nervously.

  “Well, if you’re not looking for a jawbone, why are you asking me where to buy one? Is this a test? Oh, I do love examinations! Let me see, you want to know if I’m truly worthy of your time and trust, so you’re asking for a purveyor of parts just to see if I truly know the lay of the land. Very wise, good sirs, very wise.”

  “Yeah, it woulda been, if I’d thought of that,” I said, putting a hand on the excited lizard’s shoulder. He’d started thwacking me with his tail at the first mention of a test, and I needed to calm him down before he did one of us serious injury. I hadn’t seen anybody that excited about taking a test since Greg got his first trigonometry exam. My partner was captain of the high school math team. Seriously, his nerd-fu is off the charts.

  I patted Marty on the shoulder and leaned down so we were at least eye-to-collarbone. “Marty, we’re not looking for a jawbone, but we’re looking for someone who sells jawbones. Someone has been kidnapping humans from our world, and we need to find out who and then we need to stop them.”

  “Oh! Then you want fresh jawbones! Well, that’s a whole different color unicorn, as the saying goes. There are lots of places to get garden-variety old, stale jawbones, but if you want fresh jawbones, there are only two places to look. We are looking for human jawbones, right?”

  “Yes,” I confirmed. Again.

  “Well, then, I suppose we should start with Doctor Orbly. He is likely to have harvested a human or two for his experiments, so we’ll start there.” Marty darted out into the throng of people with an agility you wouldn’t expect from a lizard in formal wear. Greg and I turned to follow, and Greg stepped right into the path of a giant something. The something couldn’t stop in time, and it smacked into Greg with a wet thwack like a cooked ham hitting a tile floor on the way to the Thanksgiving table.

  Greg staggered back a couple of steps and looked up at a huge, shaggy beast with a protruding lower jaw and curved fangs sticking out between its lips. The thing grunted and took one step back, then stepped forward and glared down at my partner. “Get out of the way, bloodsucker!” It stuck out a huge paw to backhand Greg into the middle of next week, but I caught its wrist before he picked up much momentum.

  “I don’t think so, pal,” I said, looking up at the thing. “My friend is sorry for getting in your way, but that’s no reason to go hitting people.”

  “I feel like hitting someone! That’s all the reason I need.” And it drew back a fist and threw a haymaker at my face. I stepped sideways, stuck out a foot, and gave the monster a little shove in the small of the back as it barreled past. It landed face-first in the dusty walkway, rolled over and did a perfect kip-up to a ready position—then stopped cold as it saw my Glock six inches from its face.

  “We’re leaving. You’re not going to try to jump us from behind. You’re not going to challenge us at all. You’re going to go on your merry way, and so will we. And if I ever see you again, I’m going to shoot you in the face.”

  “You dare break peace-bond in the Market? You’re crazier than a werejaguar in a catnip field!” It turned and ran, and I holstered my weapon. I turned to see where Marty had gone, and found myself face-to-face with four very angry-looking faeries holding swords. One had his blade at Greg’s throat, and the other three were pointing weapons at me. I knew from past experience that I wasn’t going to be able to shoot all three of them before they killed me, so I just put up my hands.

  “Um . . . Hi?” I said.

  One of the faeries stepped forward and beat his right fist against his chest. He was a little taller than the others, gorgeous, with cheekbones you could slit your wrists on, a dimpled chin, and curly blond hair. Blue pupil-less eyes glittered at me like giant sapphires, and I felt my heart race. Then I remembered everyone’s warnings about the beauty of the Fae, and all the warnings not to fall in love with one. Then I remembered that I like chicks, and managed to curb my baser instincts. His armor had a couple extra stripes on the shoulders that the other guys didn’t have, so I assumed he was the sergeant or ranking fae. “By the orders of the Ancient Ones, no weapons are to be drawn in the Market on penalty of death. One infraction is allowed without punishment. What is your name, offender?”

  “Jimmy Black,” I said, thinking th
at maybe he’d heard of me and might cut me some slack. We’d done a couple of favors for the Queen of Faerie a while back, including setting things up for her to live happily ever after with her beloved dragon.

  Apparently the faeries aren’t networked, because the sarge just looked me up and down and said, “You may go, but know this, Sanguine. You draw steel in the Market only on pain of death. We do not tolerate violence within these walls.”

  As usual, my mouth started to operate without any involvement from my brain. “So if I need to kill someone, drag them outside the fence, is that the deal?”

  The faerie stared at me for a second, then burst out laughing. “Indeed, Sir Sanguine. If you must kill someone, please remove them from the Market first.” He stuck out a hand, and I reflexively grasped his.

  “I am glad to see that we understand each other. Now, please move along. There is much to be done, and I must return my men to their work.” The faerie gave my hand a firm shake and led his troops on through the Market.

  I stared at their backs, jaw hanging open. Apparently, I had narrowly avoided starting a huge inter-dimensional incident. For a change. Greg stepped up beside me, eyes wide, and Marty crawled out from under a nearby fruit stand, brushing dust off his waistcoat as he did so.

  “Dear sir, I apologize most sincerely for not informing you of the penalties for drawing a weapon in the Market. Had I any inkling you were so unfamiliar with local custom, I never would have let you wander about with your hands unbound.” The little lizard’s tail was twitching again, but this time just the tip and much more slowly.

  I took this to mean some type of embarrassment, so I patted him on the top of his head. “Don’t sweat it, Marty. I’m used to stepping on my own junk in new places. It’s what makes being me so exciting.”

  “And what makes being your friend so terrifying,” Greg muttered.

  I shot him a look and turned back to the somewhat mollified lizard. “Now Marty, you were talking about going to see a doctor about human jawbones?”

  Marty jumped, his tail twitching faster than ever. “Yes, yes, yes! We must go see Doctor Orbly! If there is one creature in the Market likely to have fresh jawbones for sale, it will be the doctor.”

  I danced back to save my ankles from a thrashing and asked, “What exactly does he do with the jawbones, Marty?”

  “Or the rest of the people?” Greg added.

  “I’m sure I have no idea. But the doctor is a wise man, very wise, and he does great things. Very great things. We should go to him at once.” Marty started off down an aisle in a bizarre hopping stride. Apparently lizards were never intended to walk on two legs, or wear tuxedos, so the strain of doing both at the same time was making Marty walk like an old cartoon character. Of course, half the things around us looked like they were imagined by George Lucas and the other half looked like Jim Henson creations. I never thought I’d find a place that made Greg look normal, but this was it. This and anime conventions. I smothered a laugh and started after our little green guide.

  “What?” Greg asked as he fell into step beside me.

  “Just thinking that if he breaks out a ukelele and starts singing ‘Rainbow Connection,’ I’m gonna lose it.”

  “Pay attention. I don’t think I trust our guide.”

  “Why not? He’s just looking to get a little tail. I figure that’s the oldest motivation in the world, so I can kinda buy it.”

  Greg gave me his patented “my partner is a moron” look. “Isn’t it a little too convenient that he happened along right as we showed up? Don’t you think he might be the Goblin Market’s equivalent of the guy waiting at the bus station for the cute girl from Kansas to land in LA?”

  “And we’re the cute girls?”

  He nodded.

  “Man, your imagery sucks. But I get it. He’s probably working an angle. And not just one that gets him a nice square of swamp in Human-Land. I’ll keep an eye on him. But for now, he knows people, and we don’t. So if he can get us around in here without drawing Milandra’s attention, that would be a pile of awesome.”

  “Why don’t you want Milandra to know we’re here? She could help us.”

  “Yes, but help from monarchs isn’t usually stealthy, at least from what I’ve read in the funny books. And I don’t think we have time to go to seventeen state dinners before our kidnap victims are rendered down to their component parts. Nor do we have time for a quest. We have a need for speed, and dealing with the court politics in Faerieland is not likely to get us out of here quickly.”

  “Well, when you put it that way, it all makes sense. Now where did the lizard go?”

  I looked around and saw our little guide about a hundred yards in front of us. Marty was moving fast, and his head was barely visible in the distance, so I stretched my legs to catch up. I rounded a corner and found the lizard leaning up against a pole, one foot on the ground, one foot on the pole, filing his nails with an insolent posture that came straight out of an old James Dean movie. He even had the collar of his tailcoat popped. “’Bout time you got here,” he sneered.

  “What’s gotten into you?” I glared at the snotty little lizard.

  He immediately dropped the bad-lizard pose and fell back into what I had come to think of as “Normal Marty,” where normal could be applied to a talking lizard. “I am sorry, oh Sir Sanguine. This is not the bestest area of the Market, and it may perhaps behoove one to appear to be more dangerous than one is. Unless one is, in fact, dangerous, as you are, sir.”

  As usual, it took me a second to untangle his sentence, but no time at all to recognize the thugness in the four guys that had come out of the alley behind him. I backed up into the main thoroughfare to give myself a little room to move, and took a look at our new friends. All four of them were mostly humanoid, but with pig heads and long, curved tusks jutting out from their lower jaws. They were garbed in what looked like scrapyard armor, with bits of chain mail showing between layers of hardened leather and what looked like pots and pans hammered flat and fastened on as breastplates.

  The leader was the biggest guy in front, rocking a bright red Mohawk and steel points capping his tusks. He had fists the size of Christmas hams and huge, knobby knuckles that sprouted tufts of black hair from the backs of his hands.

  “Martifluousyntherianthemum Gregorovichinglingaringdingdingdong, how good to see you.” He had a surprisingly mellifluous voice for somebody that looked like a cross between Star Wars and Mad Max.

  “K’thoth, fancy meeting you here!” Marty bowed so deeply that his head almost scraped the dirt, then scuttled around behind me. I looked down at the lizard, who looked back up at me with huge eyes.

  “Help me,” Marty whispered. I patted him on the head and hoped he was more reassured than I was.

  “Our boss wants a word with you, Martifluousyntherianthemum,” the one I now knew as K’thoth said. He still had that super-pleasant tone to his voice that just screamed imminent bloodshed.

  “I’m sorry,” Marty said from behind me. “I’m on very important business right now. As soon as I complete this quest, I will seek out Lord Buterin Great-Teeth and settle our accounts. I swear upon my tail.”

  “I think that’s my tail, Gregorovichinglingaringdingdingdong. If I recall correctly, and I always do, you wagered that tail on a mundane sporting event several moons ago.” I had to look way up past K’thoth’s head to see where this new, high-pitched voice came from.

  There was a squirrel with a red Mohawk of his own standing on K’thoth’s head. The squirrel wore a leather jacket and a sword, but before I could draw any Reepicheep comparisons, I looked down at Marty, who had gone so pale as to be nearly transparent. He was scared shitless of this squirrel.

  “Lord Buterin Great-Teeth, I presume?” I asked the squirrel.

  “Yes. And what is your business with this welcher?”

  “He is our guide through the Market. We are on very important business, and Marty is essential to that. I’m sure he can settle any debt he owes y
ou as soon as our work here is done.”

  “Unfortunately, that’s not an option. Too many people are aware of Martifluousyntherianthemum Gregorovichinglingaringdingdingdong’s debt to me and his reluctance to pay it in a timely fashion. If this is allowed to continue, I risk a decline in my ability to collect other debts. I’m sure you see the problem with that.”

  “I do, and I understand that this puts you in a very difficult position. But we cannot be delayed in our mission, and finding another guide would delay us greatly.” Crap, now I was starting to sound like these guys.

  “I don’t care. K’thoth, bring me the lizard’s hide for a new jacket,” the squirrel said, then scampered down K’thoth’s back and vanished into the throngs of the Market.

  “Hey guys. Nobody wants any trouble here, do we?” I asked, both hands in the air. Marty nodded so hard I thought his head-ridge was going to flop off. Greg took up a position to my left and a few feet away, close enough to cover my weak side but out of the way enough that I could move freely.

  “Seems like you’ve got trouble, Sanguine. Either give us the lizard, or we kill you too. Come to think of it, some fresh Sanguine blood would be excellent for my stew tonight.” K’thoth licked along the edge of a huge cleaver he’d pulled from his waist.

  “Now boys, I’m sure you know the rules against weapons at the Market,” I said, looking around at the array of kitchen implements the hoodlums were polishing.

  K’thoth grinned back at me. “What weapons? We just got our cooking tools. Ain’t no rule about using our cooking tools, is there? And if you just happen to fall down on my cleaver, well, that’s just bad luck, ain’t it?” He laughed, and his friends followed suit. Everybody wants to laugh with you when you’re the guy holding all the blades.

  I whirled my head from side to side, looking for a handy alley to run down or a stall to hide in, or a friendly guard who’d come running at a scream for help, but there was nothing. The few stalls near us had hastily shut their tent flaps and covered their wares when the upcoming scrap became obvious.