The tears start pouring down my face and I can’t stop them. He’s right, and this is exactly why I needed him to give me his opinion. I needed brutal honesty.
“Sis, please don’t cry,” he tells me with a softened voice. “You have a right to be mad. He handled it like a total asshole. But it’s been a week, and he’s had time to come down from it and probably regrets the way he handled it. If you care about him, and I’m guessing you do, you’ll give him the opportunity to apologize and explain.”
“You’re right. I knew you’d tell me what I needed to hear. Thanks, Bry,” I choke out.
He gives me a minute to pull myself together before he speaks again.
“All right, little sister. It’s closing in on midnight here, so I’m going to let you go,” he yawns into the phone. “I love you, and I know you’ll make the best decision for you when it comes to the Eli situation. Give him a chance to say what he has to say. If he still acts like a total asshat, you have your answer and can leave for Arizona with a clear conscious.”
“Thank you. Call me soon please. I miss you terribly,” I tell him.
“Miss you too. Talk to you soon,” he replies before hanging up.
It’s still fairly early, so I make myself a cup of hot chocolate, add a little bit of caramel syrup to it, and grab my Kindle. I need to turn my brain off for a bit, and for me, the best way to do that is reading.
I dive into a book I’d heard great things about. It’s called Can’t You See by Dawn Chiletz and it’s a cross between a psychological thriller and a romance. It’s full of twists and turns and is perfect to take my mind off my life. For the next several hours, I’m lost in the story of Meredith and Devin. When Diesel whines next to me and I look, I realize I’ve been reading for hours and he needs to go outside.
Walking him to the back door, nose still buried in the book, I let Diesel out and stand on the back porch waiting for him to do his business. When he’s done, we head back into the house and my phone starts ringing the minute I step into the kitchen.
“What’s up, hooch?” I answer Ramzi’s call.
“So dinner tomorrow night with Eli, huh?” she asks with her sassy tone.
“How the hell do you know that already? We seriously just made those plans a few hours ago.”
“Well, I’m assuming you guys made up since Ben called and asked me if he could come stay at my place so you two could be alone,” she replies.
“We haven’t made up. We haven’t even talked actually. He texted me last night after I turned my phone off and asked me to come over for dinner so we can talk. I’m sure Ben and Destry are just trying to get the hell out of Dodge. Plus, he gets you all to himself so I’m sure he’s not complaining.”
“He gets me to himself all the time. I mean, it’s not like the big bastard takes me anywhere. He comes over here, hangs out, either leaves before I wake up, or once in a blue moon he actually stays the night,” she fumes.
“You know you’re either going to have to put your foot down about that bullshit, or you’re going to have to let him go,” I rant.
“I know, but I’m not ready to do that yet. Right now, I’m enjoying the time I have with him.” She pauses. “I gotta go, girl. I hope you two work things out tomorrow.”
“Thanks, sweets. I’ll call you in a couple days. Love you.”
“Love you too. Behave.”
And she’s gone.
THIS HAS TO BE the longest day of my life. I know it’s because I’m anxious about dinner with Eli tonight, but seriously, every single minute feels as if an hour has passed. I’ve cleaned my house from top to bottom, taken Diesel for a walk, gone grocery shopping for the week, taken a shower, and I still have several hours before I need to head to Eli’s.
I didn’t sleep well last night because my nerves are shot to hell, so I figure lying down for a nap would probably be a good idea. Taking my phone with me, I head to my room, stripping off the clothes I just put on as I go. Getting into bed, I let the cool sheets soothe my heated skin, and I almost immediately relax. After setting an alarm on my phone, I sink deeper into my blankets and close my eyes, drifting off almost instantly.
Watching Eli walk across the grass toward me, my breath catches at the sight of him. He’s so handsome, and the stunning smile on his face tells me he’s happy to see me. Looking down, I realize that I’m in scrubs. Why am I in work clothes?
When he reaches me, he doesn’t stop. He pulls me into his big, strong arms, lifting me off the ground and hugging me tight.
“We’ve missed you,” he mumbles into my hair.
My heart starts to hammer so fast I almost feel nauseous. What the hell is going on? One minute he’s pissed about the pregnancy scare and the next minute he misses me? I let him hold onto me as long as he wants, because truthfully, I’ve missed him too, but I’m not telling him that. I’m still mad.
When he pulls back to look at me, he must see the confusion in my eyes. “Are you okay? How was work?” he asks with what appears to be genuine interest before placing a quick, gentle kiss to my lips.
Before I can answer, his eyes lift from mine to look behind me. Then he whispers, “Samuel.” I’m about to ask him who Samuel is, but when I see the expression on his face, I pause. Pure love is written there. Who is he looking at?
I turn in his arms, and he lets me go willingly. The moment my eyes take him in, I can’t breathe. A little boy, about three years old, is playing in the yard behind us. He has his arms stretched out wide and he’s spinning in circles, making himself dizzy and causing him to fall over several times. He squeals with delight at his little game and has the biggest smile on his face. My heart longs to reach out to him, to pull him into my arms and hug him to me, but in the back of my mind, I know his parents probably wouldn’t appreciate a strange woman hugging their kid. I’m confused by my reaction to this child. I long for him. My heart knows him.
And then he turns to me, and a gasp falls from my lips. His angelic green eyes stare back at me, and it’s then I notice how much he looks like Eli. I put my hand to my mouth, and the tears start to come as I watch this perfect child’s face light up.
He slowly starts toward me, which quickly turns into a toddler’s version of running. I can’t help the smile that breaks out across my face, and I bend down so I can pull him into my arms when he gets to me. But the harder he runs, the further away he seems to be getting. When I look back toward Eli in question, he’s gone.
Turning my attention back to Samuel, I’m immediately confused by how Eli made it over to Samuel without me seeing him. Samuel is no longer running. Instead, his hand is grasped in Eli’s, and they are heading right toward me. I watch, truly amazed at how much they look alike.
When they finally reach me, Samuel throws his little arms around my neck and hugs me with all his might. My heart stops when I hear his little voice.
“Hi, Mama,” he says sweetly.
I gasp as my body flies off the bed, my eyes instantly scanning for my little boy. Where is he? I need to get to him.
As I take in my bedroom, it finally hits me that I was dreaming. How the hell can a dream feel so real? I clutch my chest and fall to the bed again, taking slow deep breaths. My heart aches for him, a child who never existed.
Tears quickly appear, and I’m so lost in this feeling of longing for him that it’s hard to breathe. How is that even possible? To miss and long for someone who doesn’t exist? I almost feel like I’m still asleep, my heart aching to hold Samuel in my arms.
When my alarm goes off, I peel myself out of bed and head for the shower. I’m going to need another one. It feels as though I’ve been crying for hours and I can only imagine the mess my face looks right now.
Throwing my hair up into a bun, I make the shower cool so that it will soothe my red and blotchy face. Stepping in, my mind won’t let go of the image of Samuel, and I find myself unable to think of anything else.
DRIVING TO ELI’S PLACE, my stomach is in knots. I’m not sure if it’s from
my nerves about seeing Eli or from the dream that seems to be haunting my thoughts.
As I pull into the driveway, I watch as Eli’s youngest brother, Destry, comes out, carrying a bag and heading toward the car parked on the street. I can see a figure in the passenger seat and watch as she turns her head toward Destry and smiles. Getting out of the car, he stops when he hears me and then changes direction and walks to me with a smile on his face.
“Hey, Sara,” he says politely. “It’s good to see you again.” He reaches out his hand and I shake it happily.
“Hey, Destry,” I reply. “Welcome back.”
“Thanks. I can’t even tell you how happy I am to be home. As much as I thought I wanted to get away from here to go to school, it didn’t take long to realize I need to be near my family. Being so far away from everyone was torture.” He stops talking for a second, taking in the frown that has taken over my face. “What’s wrong?” he asks.
I shake my head and smile. “Nothing. I was just thinking about what you said. Being away from my friends and family is definitely going to be hard.”
“It’s only for two years though, right,” he says after a few awkward minutes of silence.
I nod before turning back toward the house. “It was good to see you again, Destry. Behave yourself,” I throw back over my shoulder, making him laugh out.
“I’m the good one,” he yells after me, as he also turns and heads back toward his car.
I chuckle under my breath as I make my way up to the house, but falter when I see Eli is standing on the front porch watching me. He has a sad smile on his face, but it’s not a scowl so that’s promising.
As I make my way up to the porch, he holds the screen door open for me to enter before him. As I step through the entryway, he places his hand on my lower back and ushers me to the kitchen, where I can smell something amazing.
“You cooked?” I blurt out.
He chuckles before replying, “Yeah, I figured it was the least I could do since I was such an asshole the other day.”
Well, that’s a start.
“Do you want a glass of wine or a beer?” he asks me, turning toward the fridge.
“No, thanks. A glass of water would be great though.” This night is probably not going to be easy and I need my attention to be on point.
I watch as he pulls a glass from the cabinet, fills it with ice and water, and places it on the bar in front of me.
“Thanks,” I reply, bringing the glass to my lips, and hoping the water will help the desert in my throat.
He nods and returns to the stove, where he’s cooking some sort of pasta dish. I’m enthralled in watching him move around fluidly in the kitchen, like he’s comfortable there.
“How’s work been?” he inquires.
“Busy, unfortunately,” I answer. I’ve been working crazy hours lately, and although the distraction has been nice, I need to finish up packing. For the first time since I accepted the invite to Arizona, the thought of packing and moving makes my stomach churn and dread to seep in.
“Job security I guess,” he replies with a smile.
The quiet is unnerving. Neither of us really know how to start this discussion I guess.
He plates our food and sets them on the bar where I’m already seated.
“This smells amazing, Eli. Thank you for dinner. I love spaghetti.”
“It’s one of the few recipes my mom taught me that I can remember off the top of my head,” he chuckles. “It’s one of my favorites too, so I made sure I knew how to make it when I moved out of the house.”
“How is your mom? She’s still in Italy right?” I ask, hoping to make idle chat while we eat.
“Yeah. She’s loving it but missing home. She said she’s enjoying the sights and she’s learning a ton of stuff with the internship. She e-mails me pictures, and I just can’t get over how amazing it is there.”
“I bet,” I reply with a smile. His face always lights up when he talks about his mom. She’s such a strong woman to have gone through what she did and still pull herself up and make things better for herself. She is definitely someone I look up too.
We finish up dinner, and I grab our plates to rinse them. “You don’t have to do that, Sara. Just set them in the sink and I’ll do them later,” he instructs me.
“No way, sir. You made dinner, I clean the kitchen,” I respond with sass. I rinse a few dishes and put them in the dishwasher but freeze when I feel him behind me.
Placing his hands on my hips, he turns me around, takes the dish from my hand, and sets it in the sink before turning the water off.
“Let’s talk,” he states. Grabbing my hand and lacing his fingers through mine, he steers us into the living room and sits down, pulling me down beside him.
He doesn’t release my hand, and when I look up at his face, I find him watching his thumb rub back and forth across the top of my hand.
Taking a deep breath, he begins. “First, I want to say I’m sorry for how I handled that whole situation.” He pauses, releases my hand, and stands up, pacing for a moment before he continues. “The fact of the matter is, it scared the hell out of me.”
“Eli—” I start, but he stops me.
“Just let me get this out, Sara.”
I nod, clasping my hands together so he can’t see that they’re shaking.
“I’ve always known I want to have a family someday. I love kids, and I can only pray that I’ll be blessed with some one day. However, I’m only twenty years old. I want to finish school and have a career before I bring a child into this world. I need to be able to provide for my children and my wife.” He stops pacing and sits down at the end of the couch. Placing his elbows on his knees, he leans forward, resting his head in his hands. “Look, I know that before you dropped the bomb on me, I’d mentioned us trying to make a relationship work while you’re in Arizona.” When he pauses to take another deep breath, I know what’s coming, and already my anger starts to rise. “I’m not ready for this, Sara. I feel like my whole life flashed before my eyes when you said you might be pregnant. I saw our lives morphing into what happened to my parents. Us getting married because of the baby, you resenting me for having to give up school, and us falling apart later because we married for the wrong reason.”
My face must be bright red because when his eyes meet mine, his eyes widen and look down at my clenched hands. I stand up slowly, and when he reaches for my hand, I take a step back from him.
I walk over to the living room window and look outside, watching as children ride their bikes down the street. The ache I felt this morning after waking up from that dream returns, and I smile sadly before turning around to face him.
“Thank you for being honest with me. I really do wish you the best, Eli. I hope you get your chance to have the career you want and a family when you’re ready.” I pause to choke down the lump in my throat and take another step back from him when he once again tries to grab my hands.
And then it all hits me at once, and a tidal wave of warmth spreads through my chest.
My entire life, I’ve made goals for myself. In high school, I made a checklist of things I wanted to accomplish, like making the varsity cheerleading squad, keeping a three point eight or higher GPA, and taking enough early college credits that I could start college as a sophomore. I’d accomplished all those goals. Then when I started college, I made another list and accomplished all of those. I’d been an RN for about two years when I felt as if there was something missing. I assumed I just needed a new goal. Something to look forward too. That’s when I’d decided to apply to PA school. It wasn’t a goal I’d set for myself when I was a child. I mean, I’d always known I wanted to be a nurse. But the PA thing was an afterthought when I felt as though my life had become stagnant. So, just as I had every time before, I’d made new goals. I loved being a nurse. I didn’t need to be a PA. I mean, what would be after that? I’d be a PA for a few years and then decide I needed another goal? Medical school maybe? I’d been doing
it all for the wrong reason, and now I was done.
“The one thing that this whole mess has made me realize is that sometimes the goals we set for ourselves aren’t about our dreams. They’re just distractions.” I feel the constriction in my chest start to loosen more. I close the distance between us and press my lips gently to his. He grabs the back of my head and tries to deepen the kiss, but I pull his hand away and press my forehead to his. “Good-bye, Eli,” I whisper before letting go of him and turning to leave.
“Sara, wait,” he pleads, and I stop. I owe him at least the chance to respond. “You’re not leaving for another week. Can’t we just hang out until then? I mean, just as friends? I miss you.”
I turn back toward him and see the anguish written all over his face. “I’m sorry, but we both know that our attraction to each other won’t just go away, and we’d end up sleeping together again. As much as I enjoyed our time together, this whole thing also made me realize I’m not good at the whole ‘undefined relationship with benefits’ thing we had going on. My heart gets too involved and you see how that turned out,” I tell him, blinking quickly to try to avert the tears that fall anyway.
His face pinches in frustration, and that’s my cue to leave. I don’t want to fight with him.
Striding out of the house and down the driveway, I’m trying my damnedest not to run. I need to be away from here, in the sanctuary of my home. As I back out of the drive, I let the tears fall freely. I put the car in drive and look one more time at his house, my eyes meeting his as he stands on the front porch watching me drive away. He doesn’t smile. His face is void of emotion, and I have to turn away because knowing he’s not feeling the loss I’m feeling hurts deep down in my bones.
I’m only a couple of miles from Eli’s when my phone rings, making me jump. I glance at the screen to see who it is and am relieved to see my mom’s face.
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